CHAPTER XVII

IN WHICH YOU READ, DEAR FRIENDS, SOMETHING ABOUT A LIVE ALARM CLOCK

AND A SOODOPSY BATHER AND RUBBER.—OUR FIRST BREAKFAST IN THE CITY

OF SILVER.—A NEW WAY TO CATCH FISH WITHOUT HURTING THEIR

FEELINGS.—HOW THE STREETS AND HOUSES WERE NUMBERED, AND WHERE THE

SIGNBOARDS WERE.—A VERY ORIGINAL LIBRARY IN WHICH BOOKS NEVER GET

DOG-EARED.—HOW VELVET SOLES ENJOYED HER FAVORITE POETS.—I AM

PRESENTED TO THE LEARNED BARREL BROW, WHO PROCEEDS TO GIVE ME HIS

VIEWS OF THE UPPER WORLD.—THEY ENTERTAINED ME AMAZINGLY AND MAY

INTEREST YOU.

I can’t tell you, dear friends, exactly how long Bulger and I slept, but

it must have been a good while, for when I was awakened I felt

thoroughly refreshed. I say awakened, for I was awakened by a gentle

tapping on the back of my hand—six taps.

At first I thought I was dreaming, but, upon rubbing my eyes, I saw

standing by the side of my bed one of the Soodopsies who, feeling me

stir, took up his tablet and wrote as follows:—

“My name is Tap Hard. I am a clock. There is a score of us. We keep the

time for our people by counting the swing of the pendulum in the Time

House. It swings about as fast as we breathe. There are one hundred

breaths to a minute and one hundred minutes to an hour. Our day is

divided into six hours’ worktime and six hours’ sleeptime. It is now the

rising hour. If thou wilt be pleased to rise, one of our people from the

Health House will rub all the tired out of thy limbs.”

I touched Tap Hard’s heart to thank him, and made haste to scramble out

of bed. Now, for the first time, I looked about the silver chamber in

which I had slept. On silver shelves lay silver combs and silver shears

and silver knives; on a silver stand stood a silver ewer within a silver

basin; on silver pegs hung silken towels, while spread upon the silver

floor lay soft, silken rugs, and above and around on ceiling and walls

the tongues of flame were a thousand times repeated in the panels of

burnished silver.

I had made trial of all sorts of Oriental rubber and bath attendants in

my day, but the silent little Soodopsy who laved and rubbed and tapped

and stroked me exceeded them all in dexterity, added to which was a new

charm, for I was not obliged to listen to long and senseless tales of

adventure and intrigue, but was left quite alone to my own thoughts.

Bulger was also treated to a sponging and a rubbing—a luxury which he

had not enjoyed since we had left Castle Trump.

My toilet was no sooner completed than Long Thumbs made his appearance

to inquire after my health and to superintend the serving of my

breakfast, which consisted of a piece of most delicate boiled fish

flanked with oysters of delicious flavor, and trimmed with slices of

those monstrous mushrooms which I had eaten among the Mikkamenkies, the

whole served in a beautiful silver dish on a silver tray with silver

eating utensils.

Remembering the strange way in which the fish were caught and killed in

the Land of the Mikkamenkies, I was curious to know how the Soodopsies

managed it, for I knew enough of them to know that the sensation of

anything struggling for its life in their hands would suffice to throw

them into fits of great suffering, to fill their gentle hearts with

nameless terror.

“At the end of one of the many corridors leading out of our city,”

explained Long Thumbs, “there is a rocky chamber which was called by our

ancestors Uphaslok, or the Death Hole, because any being which breathes

its air for a few moments is sure to die. So they closed it up forever,

leaving only a small pipe projecting through the door; but, strange to

say, those who breathe this air suffer no pain whatever, but presently

drop off into a pleasant dream, and, unless they be rescued, would, of

course, never wake again. Now, as our laws forbid us to cause any pain

to the most insignificant creature, it occurred to our ancestors that by

means of a long pipe they could turn this poisoned air into the river

whenever they wanted a supply of fish for food. This they did, and,

strange to say, the moment the fish felt the gas bubbling into the

river, they at once swam up to the mouth of the pipe, and struggled with

each other for a chance to catch the deadly bubbles as they left its

mouth, so pleasant a sensation do they cause as they gradually plunge,

the creature breathing them into his last sleep. And in this way it is

we are enabled to feed upon the fish in our river, without breaking the

law of the land.”

I began to understand that I had fallen in with a very original and

interesting folk, but Bulger was not altogether pleased with them, for

several reasons, as I soon observed. In the first place he couldn’t

accustom himself to the cold and glassy look of their eyes, and in the

next he was a bit jealous of their wonderfully keen scent—a sense which

with them was so strong that they invariably gave signs of being

conscious of Bulger’s approach even before I could see him, and always

turned their faces in the direction in which he was coming.

You will remember, dear friends, that I mentioned the fact that the

Formifolk went barefoot, and that their feet as well as their hands

seemed altogether too large for their bodies, and I wish to add, that

while Bulger and I were being led through the long corridors and winding

passages on our way into the City of Silver, the three Soodopsies

frequently half halted and seemed to be feeling on the floor for

something with the balls of their feet. I thought no more about it,

until Bulger and I started out for our first stroll through their

wonderful town, when, to my great delight, I made the discovery that the

numbers of the houses, the names of the occupants, the names of the

streets, as well as all signboards, so to speak, and all guide-posts

were in slightly raised letters on the floors and pavements, and then

the truth dawned upon me, that Long Thumbs and his companions were

simply halting now and then to read the names of the streets with the

balls of their feet, in order to know if they were taking the right

road.

[Illustration: BARREL BROW ENGAGED IN READING FOUR BOOKS AT ONCE.]

Ay, more than this, dear friends, the first time Bulger and I passed

through one of the open squares of the City of Silver, you may imagine

my satisfaction upon the discovery that the silver pavements were

literally covered with the writings of the Soodopsy authors in raised

characters.

Now, in Don Fum’s wonderful book he had, in his masterly manner, given

me the key to the language of the Formifolk, so that with very slight

effort I was able to make the additional discovery that some of the

streets were given up to the writers of history, and some to story

writers, while others were filled with the learned works of

philosophers, and others still contained many thousands of lines from

the best poets which the nation had produced.

And I had very little difficulty in discovering which were the favorite

poems of the Soodopsies, for, as you may readily suppose, these were

polished like a silver mirror by the shuffling of the many thankful feet

over their sweet and soulful lines.

I noticed that the writings of the philosophers in this, as in my own

world, found few readers, for the raised letters were, in many cases,

tarnished and black from lack of soles trampling over them in search of

wisdom.

Somewhat later, when I had become acquainted with Velvet Soles, the

daughter of Long Thumbs, a gracious little being as full of inward light

as she was blind to the outer world, and she invited me to “come for a

read,” I had a hard task of it in persuading her that I could not remove

what she called my ridiculous “foot boxes” and join her in enjoying some

of her favorite poems. It was to me a delicious pastime to accompany

this happy little maiden when she “went for a read,” to walk beside her

and watch the ever-varying expression of her beautiful face as the soles

of her tiny feet pressed the words of love and hope and joy, and her

heart expanded, and she clasped her hands in attitudes of blissful

enjoyment, seemingly just as deep and fervent as if the blessed sunlight

rested on her brow, and her eyes were drinking in the glory of a summer

sunset. O dwellers in the upper world with the light streaming into the

windows of your souls, with your ears open to the music of pipe and

flute and violin, and to the sweeter music of the voice of love, how

much more have ye than she, and yet how rarely are ye as happy, how

rarely do ye know that sweet contentment which, as in this case, came

from within?

“Go to the ant; consider her ways, and be wise, which, having no guide,

overseer, or ruler, provideth her meat in the summer and gathereth her

food in the harvest.”

In a short time the Formifolk seemed to become quite accustomed to

having Bulger and me among them, and they apparently “touched hands”

with me in quite as friendly a fashion as if I had been one of them.

One day Long Thumbs conducted me to the house of the most aged and

learned of the Soodopsies, Barrel Brow by name.

He received me very cordially, although I interrupted him at his

studies, for, as I entered his apartment, he was in the act of reading

four different books at the same time: two were lying on the floor, and

he was perusing their raised characters with the soles of his feet, and

two others were set up on a frame in front of him and he was deciphering

them with the tips of his fingers.

But when informed who I was he stopped work at once and taking up his

tablets, asked me a number of questions concerning the upper world, of

which he had, however, no very exalted opinion.

“You people,” said he, “if I understand correctly the ancient writings

of those of our nation who still preserved certain traditions of the

upper world, are endowed with several senses which are utterly lacking

in us, I am happy to say, for if I understand correctly ye have in the

first place a sense which ye call hearing, a most troublesome sense, for

by means of it ye are being constantly disturbed and annoyed by

vibrations of the air coming from afar. Now, they can be of no possible

good to you. Ye might as well have a sense that would inform you what

was going on in the moon. Therefore, my conclusion is, that the sense of

hearing only serves to distract and weaken the brain.

“Another sense that ye are possessed of,” continued Barrel Brow, “ye

call the sense of sight—a power even more useless and distracting than

hearing, for the reason that it enables you to know things which it is

utterly bootless to know, such as what your next door neighbors may be

doing, how the mountains are acting on the other side of your rivers,

how your sky, as ye call it, might feel if you could touch it with your

fingers, which ye can’t do, however; how soon rain will fall, which is a

useless piece of knowledge if ye have roofs to cover you, as I suppose

ye have; but the most ridiculous use which ye make of this sense of

sight is the manufacture of what ye call pictures, by means of which ye

seem to take the greatest pleasure in deceiving this very sense of which

ye are so very proud. If I understand correctly these pictures, if felt

of, are quite as smooth as that panel there, but so cunningly do ye draw

the lines and lay in the colors, whatever they may be, that ye really

succeed in deceiving yourselves and stand for hours in front of one of

these bits of trickery when ye might, if ye chose, feast your eyes, as

ye call it, upon the very thing which the trickster has imitated. Now,

as life is much shorter in the upper world than in ours, it seems very

strange to me that ye should wish to waste it in this foolish manner.

Then, there is another thing, little baron,” continued the learned

Barrel Brow, “which I wish to mention. It is this: The people of the

upper world pride themselves very much upon what they term the power of

speech, which, if I understand correctly, is a faculty they have of

expressing their thoughts to each other by violently expelling the air

from their lungs, and that this air, rushing into the ventilators of the

brain, which ye call ears, produces a sensation of sound as ye term it,

and in this way one of thy people standing at one end of the town might

make his wishes known to another standing at the other end. Now, thou

wilt pardon my thinking so, little baron, but this seems to me to be not

a whit above the brute creature, which, opening its vast jaws, thus sets

the air in motion in calling its young or breathing defiance at an

enemy. And if I understand correctly, little baron, so proud are thy

people of this power of speech that they insist upon making use of it at

all times and upon all occasions, and, strange to say, these ‘talkers’

can always find plenty of people to open their ears to these vibrations

of the air, although the effect is so wearying to the brain that in the

end they invariably fall asleep. But if I understand correctly, the

women are even fonder of displaying their skill in thus puffing out the

air from their lungs than the men are; but, that not satisfied with this

superior power of puffing out the words, they actually have recourse to

a potent herb which they steep in boiling water and drink as hot as

possible on account of its effect in loosening the tongue and allowing

the talker to do more puffing than she could otherwise.

“But all this, little baron,” continued the learned Barrel Brow, “might

be overlooked and regarded in the light of mere amusement were it not

for the fact, if I understand correctly, that brain ventilators being of

different sizes in different persons, the consequence is that these

puffs of air which ye use to make known your thoughts to each other

produce different effects upon different persons, and the result is,

that the people of the upper world spend half their time repeating the

puffs which they have already sent out, and that even then thou canst

rarely find two people who will agree exactly as to the number, kind,

strength, and meaning of the puffs blown into each other’s brain

ventilators, and that therefore has it become necessary to provide what

ye call judges to settle these disputes which often last for lifetimes,

the two parties spending their entire fortunes hiring witnesses to come

before these judges and imitate the sound which the air made when it was

set in motion years ago by the angry puffs of the two parties. I

sincerely trust, little baron,” wrote the learned Barrel Brow on his

tablet of silver, “that when thou returnest to thy people thou wilt make

known to them what I have written for thee to-day, for it is never too

late to correct a fault, and the longer that fault has lasted the

greater the credit for correcting it.”

I promised the learned Soodopsy to do as he requested, and then we

touched each other on the back of the head, which is the way they say

good-by in the land of the Formifolk, a touch on the forehead meaning,

“How d’ye do?”