CHAPTER 38. A DISSOLUTION OF PARTNERSHIP

I did not allow my resolution, with respect to the Parliamentary

Debates, to cool. It was one of the irons I began to heat immediately,

and one of the irons I kept hot, and hammered at, with a perseverance

I may honestly admire. I bought an approved scheme of the noble art and

mystery of stenography (which cost me ten and sixpence); and plunged

into a sea of perplexity that brought me, in a few weeks, to the

confines of distraction. The changes that were rung upon dots, which

in such a position meant such a thing, and in such another position

something else, entirely different; the wonderful vagaries that were

played by circles; the unaccountable consequences that resulted from

marks like flies’ legs; the tremendous effects of a curve in a wrong

place; not only troubled my waking hours, but reappeared before me in

my sleep. When I had groped my way, blindly, through these difficulties,

and had mastered the alphabet, which was an Egyptian Temple in itself,

there then appeared a procession of new horrors, called arbitrary

characters; the most despotic characters I have ever known; who

insisted, for instance, that a thing like the beginning of a cobweb,

meant expectation, and that a pen-and-ink sky-rocket, stood for

disadvantageous. When I had fixed these wretches in my mind, I found

that they had driven everything else out of it; then, beginning again, I

forgot them; while I was picking them up, I dropped the other fragments

of the system; in short, it was almost heart-breaking.

It might have been quite heart-breaking, but for Dora, who was the stay

and anchor of my tempest-driven bark. Every scratch in the scheme was

a gnarled oak in the forest of difficulty, and I went on cutting them

down, one after another, with such vigour, that in three or four months

I was in a condition to make an experiment on one of our crack speakers

in the Commons. Shall I ever forget how the crack speaker walked off

from me before I began, and left my imbecile pencil staggering about the

paper as if it were in a fit!

This would not do, it was quite clear. I was flying too high, and should

never get on, so. I resorted to Traddles for advice; who suggested

that he should dictate speeches to me, at a pace, and with occasional

stoppages, adapted to my weakness. Very grateful for this friendly aid,

I accepted the proposal; and night after night, almost every night, for

a long time, we had a sort of Private Parliament in Buckingham Street,

after I came home from the Doctor’s.

I should like to see such a Parliament anywhere else! My aunt and Mr.

Dick represented the Government or the Opposition (as the case might

be), and Traddles, with the assistance of Enfield’s Speakers, or a

volume of parliamentary orations, thundered astonishing invectives

against them. Standing by the table, with his finger in the page to keep

the place, and his right arm flourishing above his head, Traddles, as

Mr. Pitt, Mr. Fox, Mr. Sheridan, Mr. Burke, Lord Castlereagh, Viscount

Sidmouth, or Mr. Canning, would work himself into the most violent

heats, and deliver the most withering denunciations of the profligacy

and corruption of my aunt and Mr. Dick; while I used to sit, at a little

distance, with my notebook on my knee, fagging after him with all my

might and main. The inconsistency and recklessness of Traddles were not

to be exceeded by any real politician. He was for any description of

policy, in the compass of a week; and nailed all sorts of colours to

every denomination of mast. My aunt, looking very like an immovable

Chancellor of the Exchequer, would occasionally throw in an interruption

or two, as ‘Hear!’ or ‘No!’ or ‘Oh!’ when the text seemed to require it:

which was always a signal to Mr. Dick (a perfect country gentleman)

to follow lustily with the same cry. But Mr. Dick got taxed with

such things in the course of his Parliamentary career, and was made

responsible for such awful consequences, that he became uncomfortable in

his mind sometimes. I believe he actually began to be afraid he really

had been doing something, tending to the annihilation of the British

constitution, and the ruin of the country.

Often and often we pursued these debates until the clock pointed to

midnight, and the candles were burning down. The result of so much good

practice was, that by and by I began to keep pace with Traddles pretty

well, and should have been quite triumphant if I had had the least idea

what my notes were about. But, as to reading them after I had got them,

I might as well have copied the Chinese inscriptions of an immense

collection of tea-chests, or the golden characters on all the great red

and green bottles in the chemists’ shops!

There was nothing for it, but to turn back and begin all over again. It

was very hard, but I turned back, though with a heavy heart, and began

laboriously and methodically to plod over the same tedious ground at a

snail’s pace; stopping to examine minutely every speck in the way, on

all sides, and making the most desperate efforts to know these elusive

characters by sight wherever I met them. I was always punctual at

the office; at the Doctor’s too: and I really did work, as the common

expression is, like a cart-horse. One day, when I went to the Commons as

usual, I found Mr. Spenlow in the doorway looking extremely grave, and

talking to himself. As he was in the habit of complaining of pains in

his head--he had naturally a short throat, and I do seriously believe

he over-starched himself--I was at first alarmed by the idea that he was

not quite right in that direction; but he soon relieved my uneasiness.

Instead of returning my ‘Good morning’ with his usual affability, he

looked at me in a distant, ceremonious manner, and coldly requested me

to accompany him to a certain coffee-house, which, in those days, had

a door opening into the Commons, just within the little archway in St.

Paul’s Churchyard. I complied, in a very uncomfortable state, and with a

warm shooting all over me, as if my apprehensions were breaking out into

buds. When I allowed him to go on a little before, on account of the

narrowness of the way, I observed that he carried his head with a lofty

air that was particularly unpromising; and my mind misgave me that he

had found out about my darling Dora.

If I had not guessed this, on the way to the coffee-house, I could

hardly have failed to know what was the matter when I followed him

into an upstairs room, and found Miss Murdstone there, supported by

a background of sideboard, on which were several inverted tumblers

sustaining lemons, and two of those extraordinary boxes, all corners and

flutings, for sticking knives and forks in, which, happily for mankind,

are now obsolete.

Miss Murdstone gave me her chilly finger-nails, and sat severely rigid.

Mr. Spenlow shut the door, motioned me to a chair, and stood on the

hearth-rug in front of the fireplace.

‘Have the goodness to show Mr. Copperfield,’ said Mr. Spenlow, what you

have in your reticule, Miss Murdstone.’

I believe it was the old identical steel-clasped reticule of my

childhood, that shut up like a bite. Compressing her lips, in sympathy

with the snap, Miss Murdstone opened it--opening her mouth a little

at the same time--and produced my last letter to Dora, teeming with

expressions of devoted affection.

‘I believe that is your writing, Mr. Copperfield?’ said Mr. Spenlow.

I was very hot, and the voice I heard was very unlike mine, when I said,

‘It is, sir!’

‘If I am not mistaken,’ said Mr. Spenlow, as Miss Murdstone brought a

parcel of letters out of her reticule, tied round with the dearest bit

of blue ribbon, ‘those are also from your pen, Mr. Copperfield?’

I took them from her with a most desolate sensation; and, glancing at

such phrases at the top, as ‘My ever dearest and own Dora,’ ‘My best

beloved angel,’ ‘My blessed one for ever,’ and the like, blushed deeply,

and inclined my head.

‘No, thank you!’ said Mr. Spenlow, coldly, as I mechanically offered

them back to him. ‘I will not deprive you of them. Miss Murdstone, be so

good as to proceed!’

That gentle creature, after a moment’s thoughtful survey of the carpet,

delivered herself with much dry unction as follows.

‘I must confess to having entertained my suspicions of Miss Spenlow, in

reference to David Copperfield, for some time. I observed Miss Spenlow

and David Copperfield, when they first met; and the impression made upon

me then was not agreeable. The depravity of the human heart is such--’

‘You will oblige me, ma’am,’ interrupted Mr. Spenlow, ‘by confining

yourself to facts.’

Miss Murdstone cast down her eyes, shook her head as if protesting

against this unseemly interruption, and with frowning dignity resumed:

‘Since I am to confine myself to facts, I will state them as dryly as I

can. Perhaps that will be considered an acceptable course of proceeding.

I have already said, sir, that I have had my suspicions of Miss Spenlow,

in reference to David Copperfield, for some time. I have frequently

endeavoured to find decisive corroboration of those suspicions, but

without effect. I have therefore forborne to mention them to Miss

Spenlow’s father’; looking severely at him--‘knowing how little

disposition there usually is in such cases, to acknowledge the

conscientious discharge of duty.’

Mr. Spenlow seemed quite cowed by the gentlemanly sternness of Miss

Murdstone’s manner, and deprecated her severity with a conciliatory

little wave of his hand.

‘On my return to Norwood, after the period of absence occasioned by my

brother’s marriage,’ pursued Miss Murdstone in a disdainful voice, ‘and

on the return of Miss Spenlow from her visit to her friend Miss Mills,

I imagined that the manner of Miss Spenlow gave me greater occasion for

suspicion than before. Therefore I watched Miss Spenlow closely.’

Dear, tender little Dora, so unconscious of this Dragon’s eye!

‘Still,’ resumed Miss Murdstone, ‘I found no proof until last night.

It appeared to me that Miss Spenlow received too many letters from her

friend Miss Mills; but Miss Mills being her friend with her father’s

full concurrence,’ another telling blow at Mr. Spenlow, ‘it was not

for me to interfere. If I may not be permitted to allude to the natural

depravity of the human heart, at least I may--I must--be permitted, so

far to refer to misplaced confidence.’

Mr. Spenlow apologetically murmured his assent.

‘Last evening after tea,’ pursued Miss Murdstone, ‘I observed the little

dog starting, rolling, and growling about the drawing-room, worrying

something. I said to Miss Spenlow, “Dora, what is that the dog has in

his mouth? It’s paper.” Miss Spenlow immediately put her hand to her

frock, gave a sudden cry, and ran to the dog. I interposed, and said,

“Dora, my love, you must permit me.”’

Oh Jip, miserable Spaniel, this wretchedness, then, was your work!

‘Miss Spenlow endeavoured,’ said Miss Murdstone, ‘to bribe me with

kisses, work-boxes, and small articles of jewellery--that, of course,

I pass over. The little dog retreated under the sofa on my approaching

him, and was with great difficulty dislodged by the fire-irons. Even

when dislodged, he still kept the letter in his mouth; and on my

endeavouring to take it from him, at the imminent risk of being bitten,

he kept it between his teeth so pertinaciously as to suffer himself

to be held suspended in the air by means of the document. At length I

obtained possession of it. After perusing it, I taxed Miss Spenlow with

having many such letters in her possession; and ultimately obtained from

her the packet which is now in David Copperfield’s hand.’

Here she ceased; and snapping her reticule again, and shutting her

mouth, looked as if she might be broken, but could never be bent.

‘You have heard Miss Murdstone,’ said Mr. Spenlow, turning to me. ‘I beg

to ask, Mr. Copperfield, if you have anything to say in reply?’

The picture I had before me, of the beautiful little treasure of my

heart, sobbing and crying all night--of her being alone, frightened,

and wretched, then--of her having so piteously begged and prayed that

stony-hearted woman to forgive her--of her having vainly offered her

those kisses, work-boxes, and trinkets--of her being in such grievous

distress, and all for me--very much impaired the little dignity I had

been able to muster. I am afraid I was in a tremulous state for a minute

or so, though I did my best to disguise it.

‘There is nothing I can say, sir,’ I returned, ‘except that all the

blame is mine. Dora--’

‘Miss Spenlow, if you please,’ said her father, majestically.

‘--was induced and persuaded by me,’ I went on, swallowing that colder

designation, ‘to consent to this concealment, and I bitterly regret it.’

‘You are very much to blame, sir,’ said Mr. Spenlow, walking to and fro

upon the hearth-rug, and emphasizing what he said with his whole body

instead of his head, on account of the stiffness of his cravat and

spine. ‘You have done a stealthy and unbecoming action, Mr. Copperfield.

When I take a gentleman to my house, no matter whether he is nineteen,

twenty-nine, or ninety, I take him there in a spirit of confidence.

If he abuses my confidence, he commits a dishonourable action, Mr.

Copperfield.’

‘I feel it, sir, I assure you,’ I returned. ‘But I never thought so,

before. Sincerely, honestly, indeed, Mr. Spenlow, I never thought so,

before. I love Miss Spenlow to that extent--’

‘Pooh! nonsense!’ said Mr. Spenlow, reddening. ‘Pray don’t tell me to my

face that you love my daughter, Mr. Copperfield!’

‘Could I defend my conduct if I did not, sir?’ I returned, with all

humility.

‘Can you defend your conduct if you do, sir?’ said Mr. Spenlow, stopping

short upon the hearth-rug. ‘Have you considered your years, and my

daughter’s years, Mr. Copperfield? Have you considered what it is to

undermine the confidence that should subsist between my daughter and

myself? Have you considered my daughter’s station in life, the projects

I may contemplate for her advancement, the testamentary intentions I

may have with reference to her? Have you considered anything, Mr.

Copperfield?’

‘Very little, sir, I am afraid;’ I answered, speaking to him as

respectfully and sorrowfully as I felt; ‘but pray believe me, I have

considered my own worldly position. When I explained it to you, we were

already engaged--’

‘I BEG,’ said Mr. Spenlow, more like Punch than I had ever seen him,

as he energetically struck one hand upon the other--I could not help

noticing that even in my despair; ‘that YOU Will NOT talk to me of

engagements, Mr. Copperfield!’

The otherwise immovable Miss Murdstone laughed contemptuously in one

short syllable.

‘When I explained my altered position to you, sir,’ I began again,

substituting a new form of expression for what was so unpalatable to

him, ‘this concealment, into which I am so unhappy as to have led Miss

Spenlow, had begun. Since I have been in that altered position, I have

strained every nerve, I have exerted every energy, to improve it. I am

sure I shall improve it in time. Will you grant me time--any length of

time? We are both so young, sir,--’

‘You are right,’ interrupted Mr. Spenlow, nodding his head a great

many times, and frowning very much, ‘you are both very young. It’s all

nonsense. Let there be an end of the nonsense. Take away those letters,

and throw them in the fire. Give me Miss Spenlow’s letters to throw in

the fire; and although our future intercourse must, you are aware, be

restricted to the Commons here, we will agree to make no further mention

of the past. Come, Mr. Copperfield, you don’t want sense; and this is

the sensible course.’

No. I couldn’t think of agreeing to it. I was very sorry, but there

was a higher consideration than sense. Love was above all earthly

considerations, and I loved Dora to idolatry, and Dora loved me. I

didn’t exactly say so; I softened it down as much as I could; but I

implied it, and I was resolute upon it. I don’t think I made myself very

ridiculous, but I know I was resolute.

‘Very well, Mr. Copperfield,’ said Mr. Spenlow, ‘I must try my influence

with my daughter.’

Miss Murdstone, by an expressive sound, a long drawn respiration, which

was neither a sigh nor a moan, but was like both, gave it as her opinion

that he should have done this at first.

‘I must try,’ said Mr. Spenlow, confirmed by this support, ‘my

influence with my daughter. Do you decline to take those letters, Mr.

Copperfield?’ For I had laid them on the table.

Yes. I told him I hoped he would not think it wrong, but I couldn’t

possibly take them from Miss Murdstone.

‘Nor from me?’ said Mr. Spenlow.

No, I replied with the profoundest respect; nor from him.

‘Very well!’ said Mr. Spenlow.

A silence succeeding, I was undecided whether to go or stay. At length

I was moving quietly towards the door, with the intention of saying that

perhaps I should consult his feelings best by withdrawing: when he said,

with his hands in his coat pockets, into which it was as much as he

could do to get them; and with what I should call, upon the whole, a

decidedly pious air:

‘You are probably aware, Mr. Copperfield, that I am not altogether

destitute of worldly possessions, and that my daughter is my nearest and

dearest relative?’

I hurriedly made him a reply to the effect, that I hoped the error into

which I had been betrayed by the desperate nature of my love, did not

induce him to think me mercenary too?

‘I don’t allude to the matter in that light,’ said Mr. Spenlow. ‘It

would be better for yourself, and all of us, if you WERE mercenary, Mr.

Copperfield--I mean, if you were more discreet and less influenced by

all this youthful nonsense. No. I merely say, with quite another view,

you are probably aware I have some property to bequeath to my child?’

I certainly supposed so.

‘And you can hardly think,’ said Mr. Spenlow, ‘having experience of what

we see, in the Commons here, every day, of the various unaccountable

and negligent proceedings of men, in respect of their testamentary

arrangements--of all subjects, the one on which perhaps the strangest

revelations of human inconsistency are to be met with--but that mine are

made?’

I inclined my head in acquiescence.

‘I should not allow,’ said Mr. Spenlow, with an evident increase of

pious sentiment, and slowly shaking his head as he poised himself upon

his toes and heels alternately, ‘my suitable provision for my child to

be influenced by a piece of youthful folly like the present. It is mere

folly. Mere nonsense. In a little while, it will weigh lighter than

any feather. But I might--I might--if this silly business were not

completely relinquished altogether, be induced in some anxious moment

to guard her from, and surround her with protections against, the

consequences of any foolish step in the way of marriage. Now, Mr.

Copperfield, I hope that you will not render it necessary for me to

open, even for a quarter of an hour, that closed page in the book of

life, and unsettle, even for a quarter of an hour, grave affairs long

since composed.’

There was a serenity, a tranquillity, a calm sunset air about him, which

quite affected me. He was so peaceful and resigned--clearly had his

affairs in such perfect train, and so systematically wound up--that he

was a man to feel touched in the contemplation of. I really think I saw

tears rise to his eyes, from the depth of his own feeling of all this.

But what could I do? I could not deny Dora and my own heart. When he

told me I had better take a week to consider of what he had said, how

could I say I wouldn’t take a week, yet how could I fail to know that no

amount of weeks could influence such love as mine?

‘In the meantime, confer with Miss Trotwood, or with any person with

any knowledge of life,’ said Mr. Spenlow, adjusting his cravat with both

hands. ‘Take a week, Mr. Copperfield.’

I submitted; and, with a countenance as expressive as I was able to

make it of dejected and despairing constancy, came out of the room. Miss

Murdstone’s heavy eyebrows followed me to the door--I say her eyebrows

rather than her eyes, because they were much more important in her

face--and she looked so exactly as she used to look, at about that

hour of the morning, in our parlour at Blunderstone, that I could have

fancied I had been breaking down in my lessons again, and that the

dead weight on my mind was that horrible old spelling-book, with

oval woodcuts, shaped, to my youthful fancy, like the glasses out of

spectacles.

When I got to the office, and, shutting out old Tiffey and the rest of

them with my hands, sat at my desk, in my own particular nook, thinking

of this earthquake that had taken place so unexpectedly, and in the

bitterness of my spirit cursing Jip, I fell into such a state of torment

about Dora, that I wonder I did not take up my hat and rush insanely to

Norwood. The idea of their frightening her, and making her cry, and of

my not being there to comfort her, was so excruciating, that it impelled

me to write a wild letter to Mr. Spenlow, beseeching him not to visit

upon her the consequences of my awful destiny. I implored him to spare

her gentle nature--not to crush a fragile flower--and addressed him

generally, to the best of my remembrance, as if, instead of being her

father, he had been an Ogre, or the Dragon of Wantley. This letter I

sealed and laid upon his desk before he returned; and when he came in,

I saw him, through the half-opened door of his room, take it up and read

it.

He said nothing about it all the morning; but before he went away in the

afternoon he called me in, and told me that I need not make myself at

all uneasy about his daughter’s happiness. He had assured her, he said,

that it was all nonsense; and he had nothing more to say to her. He

believed he was an indulgent father (as indeed he was), and I might

spare myself any solicitude on her account.

‘You may make it necessary, if you are foolish or obstinate, Mr.

Copperfield,’ he observed, ‘for me to send my daughter abroad again,

for a term; but I have a better opinion of you. I hope you will be wiser

than that, in a few days. As to Miss Murdstone,’ for I had alluded to

her in the letter, ‘I respect that lady’s vigilance, and feel obliged to

her; but she has strict charge to avoid the subject. All I desire, Mr.

Copperfield, is, that it should be forgotten. All you have got to do,

Mr. Copperfield, is to forget it.’

All! In the note I wrote to Miss Mills, I bitterly quoted this

sentiment. All I had to do, I said, with gloomy sarcasm, was to forget

Dora. That was all, and what was that! I entreated Miss Mills to see

me, that evening. If it could not be done with Mr. Mills’s sanction

and concurrence, I besought a clandestine interview in the back kitchen

where the Mangle was. I informed her that my reason was tottering on

its throne, and only she, Miss Mills, could prevent its being deposed.

I signed myself, hers distractedly; and I couldn’t help feeling, while

I read this composition over, before sending it by a porter, that it was

something in the style of Mr. Micawber.

However, I sent it. At night I repaired to Miss Mills’s street, and

walked up and down, until I was stealthily fetched in by Miss Mills’s

maid, and taken the area way to the back kitchen. I have since seen

reason to believe that there was nothing on earth to prevent my going in

at the front door, and being shown up into the drawing-room, except Miss

Mills’s love of the romantic and mysterious.

In the back kitchen, I raved as became me. I went there, I suppose,

to make a fool of myself, and I am quite sure I did it. Miss Mills had

received a hasty note from Dora, telling her that all was discovered,

and saying. ‘Oh pray come to me, Julia, do, do!’ But Miss Mills,

mistrusting the acceptability of her presence to the higher powers, had

not yet gone; and we were all benighted in the Desert of Sahara.

Miss Mills had a wonderful flow of words, and liked to pour them out. I

could not help feeling, though she mingled her tears with mine, that she

had a dreadful luxury in our afflictions. She petted them, as I may say,

and made the most of them. A deep gulf, she observed, had opened between

Dora and me, and Love could only span it with its rainbow. Love must

suffer in this stern world; it ever had been so, it ever would be so. No

matter, Miss Mills remarked. Hearts confined by cobwebs would burst at

last, and then Love was avenged.

This was small consolation, but Miss Mills wouldn’t encourage fallacious

hopes. She made me much more wretched than I was before, and I felt (and

told her with the deepest gratitude) that she was indeed a friend. We

resolved that she should go to Dora the first thing in the morning,

and find some means of assuring her, either by looks or words, of my

devotion and misery. We parted, overwhelmed with grief; and I think Miss

Mills enjoyed herself completely.

I confided all to my aunt when I got home; and in spite of all she could

say to me, went to bed despairing. I got up despairing, and went out

despairing. It was Saturday morning, and I went straight to the Commons.

I was surprised, when I came within sight of our office-door, to see the

ticket-porters standing outside talking together, and some half-dozen

stragglers gazing at the windows which were shut up. I quickened my

pace, and, passing among them, wondering at their looks, went hurriedly

in.

The clerks were there, but nobody was doing anything. Old Tiffey, for

the first time in his life I should think, was sitting on somebody

else’s stool, and had not hung up his hat.

‘This is a dreadful calamity, Mr. Copperfield,’ said he, as I entered.

‘What is?’ I exclaimed. ‘What’s the matter?’

‘Don’t you know?’ cried Tiffey, and all the rest of them, coming round

me.

‘No!’ said I, looking from face to face.

‘Mr. Spenlow,’ said Tiffey.

‘What about him!’

‘Dead!’ I thought it was the office reeling, and not I, as one of

the clerks caught hold of me. They sat me down in a chair, untied my

neck-cloth, and brought me some water. I have no idea whether this took

any time.

‘Dead?’ said I.

‘He dined in town yesterday, and drove down in the phaeton by himself,’

said Tiffey, ‘having sent his own groom home by the coach, as he

sometimes did, you know--’

‘Well?’

‘The phaeton went home without him. The horses stopped at the

stable-gate. The man went out with a lantern. Nobody in the carriage.’

‘Had they run away?’

‘They were not hot,’ said Tiffey, putting on his glasses; ‘no hotter, I

understand, than they would have been, going down at the usual pace. The

reins were broken, but they had been dragging on the ground. The house

was roused up directly, and three of them went out along the road. They

found him a mile off.’

‘More than a mile off, Mr. Tiffey,’ interposed a junior.

‘Was it? I believe you are right,’ said Tiffey,--‘more than a mile

off--not far from the church--lying partly on the roadside, and partly

on the path, upon his face. Whether he fell out in a fit, or got out,

feeling ill before the fit came on--or even whether he was quite dead

then, though there is no doubt he was quite insensible--no one appears

to know. If he breathed, certainly he never spoke. Medical assistance

was got as soon as possible, but it was quite useless.’

I cannot describe the state of mind into which I was thrown by this

intelligence. The shock of such an event happening so suddenly, and

happening to one with whom I had been in any respect at variance--the

appalling vacancy in the room he had occupied so lately, where his chair

and table seemed to wait for him, and his handwriting of yesterday was

like a ghost--the indefinable impossibility of separating him from the

place, and feeling, when the door opened, as if he might come in--the

lazy hush and rest there was in the office, and the insatiable relish

with which our people talked about it, and other people came in and

out all day, and gorged themselves with the subject--this is easily

intelligible to anyone. What I cannot describe is, how, in the innermost

recesses of my own heart, I had a lurking jealousy even of Death. How

I felt as if its might would push me from my ground in Dora’s thoughts.

How I was, in a grudging way I have no words for, envious of her grief.

How it made me restless to think of her weeping to others, or being

consoled by others. How I had a grasping, avaricious wish to shut out

everybody from her but myself, and to be all in all to her, at that

unseasonable time of all times.

In the trouble of this state of mind--not exclusively my own, I hope,

but known to others--I went down to Norwood that night; and finding from

one of the servants, when I made my inquiries at the door, that Miss

Mills was there, got my aunt to direct a letter to her, which I wrote.

I deplored the untimely death of Mr. Spenlow, most sincerely, and shed

tears in doing so. I entreated her to tell Dora, if Dora were in a

state to hear it, that he had spoken to me with the utmost kindness and

consideration; and had coupled nothing but tenderness, not a single or

reproachful word, with her name. I know I did this selfishly, to have my

name brought before her; but I tried to believe it was an act of justice

to his memory. Perhaps I did believe it.

My aunt received a few lines next day in reply; addressed, outside, to

her; within, to me. Dora was overcome by grief; and when her friend had

asked her should she send her love to me, had only cried, as she was

always crying, ‘Oh, dear papa! oh, poor papa!’ But she had not said No,

and that I made the most of.

Mr. Jorkins, who had been at Norwood since the occurrence, came to the

office a few days afterwards. He and Tiffey were closeted together for

some few moments, and then Tiffey looked out at the door and beckoned me

in.

‘Oh!’ said Mr. Jorkins. ‘Mr. Tiffey and myself, Mr. Copperfield, are

about to examine the desks, the drawers, and other such repositories

of the deceased, with the view of sealing up his private papers, and

searching for a Will. There is no trace of any, elsewhere. It may be as

well for you to assist us, if you please.’

I had been in agony to obtain some knowledge of the circumstances

in which my Dora would be placed--as, in whose guardianship, and so

forth--and this was something towards it. We began the search at once;

Mr. Jorkins unlocking the drawers and desks, and we all taking out the

papers. The office-papers we placed on one side, and the private papers

(which were not numerous) on the other. We were very grave; and when we

came to a stray seal, or pencil-case, or ring, or any little article of

that kind which we associated personally with him, we spoke very low.

We had sealed up several packets; and were still going on dustily and

quietly, when Mr. Jorkins said to us, applying exactly the same words to

his late partner as his late partner had applied to him:

‘Mr. Spenlow was very difficult to move from the beaten track. You know

what he was! I am disposed to think he had made no will.’

‘Oh, I know he had!’ said I.

They both stopped and looked at me. ‘On the very day when I last saw

him,’ said I, ‘he told me that he had, and that his affairs were long

since settled.’

Mr. Jorkins and old Tiffey shook their heads with one accord.

‘That looks unpromising,’ said Tiffey.

‘Very unpromising,’ said Mr. Jorkins.

‘Surely you don’t doubt--’ I began.

‘My good Mr. Copperfield!’ said Tiffey, laying his hand upon my arm, and

shutting up both his eyes as he shook his head: ‘if you had been in the

Commons as long as I have, you would know that there is no subject on

which men are so inconsistent, and so little to be trusted.’

‘Why, bless my soul, he made that very remark!’ I replied persistently.

‘I should call that almost final,’ observed Tiffey. ‘My opinion is--no

will.’

It appeared a wonderful thing to me, but it turned out that there was

no will. He had never so much as thought of making one, so far as his

papers afforded any evidence; for there was no kind of hint, sketch, or

memorandum, of any testamentary intention whatever. What was scarcely

less astonishing to me, was, that his affairs were in a most disordered

state. It was extremely difficult, I heard, to make out what he owed, or

what he had paid, or of what he died possessed. It was considered likely

that for years he could have had no clear opinion on these subjects

himself. By little and little it came out, that, in the competition on

all points of appearance and gentility then running high in the Commons,

he had spent more than his professional income, which was not a very

large one, and had reduced his private means, if they ever had been

great (which was exceedingly doubtful), to a very low ebb indeed. There

was a sale of the furniture and lease, at Norwood; and Tiffey told me,

little thinking how interested I was in the story, that, paying all the

just debts of the deceased, and deducting his share of outstanding bad

and doubtful debts due to the firm, he wouldn’t give a thousand pounds

for all the assets remaining.

This was at the expiration of about six weeks. I had suffered tortures

all the time; and thought I really must have laid violent hands upon

myself, when Miss Mills still reported to me, that my broken-hearted

little Dora would say nothing, when I was mentioned, but ‘Oh, poor papa!

Oh, dear papa!’ Also, that she had no other relations than two aunts,

maiden sisters of Mr. Spenlow, who lived at Putney, and who had not held

any other than chance communication with their brother for many years.

Not that they had ever quarrelled (Miss Mills informed me); but that

having been, on the occasion of Dora’s christening, invited to tea, when

they considered themselves privileged to be invited to dinner, they

had expressed their opinion in writing, that it was ‘better for the

happiness of all parties’ that they should stay away. Since which they

had gone their road, and their brother had gone his.

These two ladies now emerged from their retirement, and proposed to

take Dora to live at Putney. Dora, clinging to them both, and weeping,

exclaimed, ‘O yes, aunts! Please take Julia Mills and me and Jip to

Putney!’ So they went, very soon after the funeral.

How I found time to haunt Putney, I am sure I don’t know; but I

contrived, by some means or other, to prowl about the neighbourhood

pretty often. Miss Mills, for the more exact discharge of the duties of

friendship, kept a journal; and she used to meet me sometimes, on the

Common, and read it, or (if she had not time to do that) lend it to me.

How I treasured up the entries, of which I subjoin a sample--!

‘Monday. My sweet D. still much depressed. Headache. Called attention to

J. as being beautifully sleek. D. fondled J. Associations thus awakened,

opened floodgates of sorrow. Rush of grief admitted. (Are tears the

dewdrops of the heart? J. M.)

‘Tuesday. D. weak and nervous. Beautiful in pallor. (Do we not remark

this in moon likewise? J. M.) D., J. M. and J. took airing in carriage.

J. looking out of window, and barking violently at dustman, occasioned

smile to overspread features of D. (Of such slight links is chain of

life composed! J. M.)

‘Wednesday. D. comparatively cheerful. Sang to her, as congenial melody,

“Evening Bells”. Effect not soothing, but reverse. D. inexpressibly

affected. Found sobbing afterwards, in own room. Quoted verses

respecting self and young Gazelle. Ineffectually. Also referred to

Patience on Monument. (Qy. Why on monument? J. M.)

‘Thursday. D. certainly improved. Better night. Slight tinge of damask

revisiting cheek. Resolved to mention name of D. C. Introduced same,

cautiously, in course of airing. D. immediately overcome. “Oh, dear,

dear Julia! Oh, I have been a naughty and undutiful child!” Soothed

and caressed. Drew ideal picture of D. C. on verge of tomb. D. again

overcome. “Oh, what shall I do, what shall I do? Oh, take me somewhere!”

Much alarmed. Fainting of D. and glass of water from public-house.

(Poetical affinity. Chequered sign on door-post; chequered human life.

Alas! J. M.)

‘Friday. Day of incident. Man appears in kitchen, with blue bag, “for

lady’s boots left out to heel”. Cook replies, “No such orders.” Man

argues point. Cook withdraws to inquire, leaving man alone with J. On

Cook’s return, man still argues point, but ultimately goes. J. missing.

D. distracted. Information sent to police. Man to be identified by

broad nose, and legs like balustrades of bridge. Search made in

every direction. No J. D. weeping bitterly, and inconsolable. Renewed

reference to young Gazelle. Appropriate, but unavailing. Towards

evening, strange boy calls. Brought into parlour. Broad nose, but no

balustrades. Says he wants a pound, and knows a dog. Declines to explain

further, though much pressed. Pound being produced by D. takes Cook

to little house, where J. alone tied up to leg of table. Joy of D.

who dances round J. while he eats his supper. Emboldened by this happy

change, mention D. C. upstairs. D. weeps afresh, cries piteously, “Oh,

don’t, don’t, don’t! It is so wicked to think of anything but poor

papa!”--embraces J. and sobs herself to sleep. (Must not D. C. confine

himself to the broad pinions of Time? J. M.)’

Miss Mills and her journal were my sole consolation at this period.

To see her, who had seen Dora but a little while before--to trace the

initial letter of Dora’s name through her sympathetic pages--to be made

more and more miserable by her--were my only comforts. I felt as if I

had been living in a palace of cards, which had tumbled down, leaving

only Miss Mills and me among the ruins; I felt as if some grim enchanter

had drawn a magic circle round the innocent goddess of my heart, which

nothing indeed but those same strong pinions, capable of carrying so

many people over so much, would enable me to enter!