CHAPTER V.

Several adventures that happened to the author. The execution of a

criminal. The author shows his skill in navigation.

I should have lived happy enough in that country, if my littleness had

not exposed me to several ridiculous and troublesome accidents; some of

which I shall venture to relate. Glumdalclitch often carried me into

the gardens of the court in my smaller box, and would sometimes take me

out of it, and hold me in her hand, or set me down to walk. I remember,

before the dwarf left the queen, he followed us one day into those

gardens, and my nurse having set me down, he and I being close

together, near some dwarf apple trees, I must needs show my wit, by a

silly allusion between him and the trees, which happens to hold in

their language as it does in ours. Whereupon, the malicious rogue,

watching his opportunity, when I was walking under one of them, shook

it directly over my head, by which a dozen apples, each of them near as

large as a Bristol barrel, came tumbling about my ears; one of them hit

me on the back as I chanced to stoop, and knocked me down flat on my

face; but I received no other hurt, and the dwarf was pardoned at my

desire, because I had given the provocation.

Another day, Glumdalclitch left me on a smooth grass-plot to divert

myself, while she walked at some distance with her governess. In the

meantime, there suddenly fell such a violent shower of hail, that I was

immediately, by the force of it, struck to the ground: and when I was

down, the hailstones gave me such cruel bangs all over the body, as if

I had been pelted with tennis-balls; however, I made a shift to creep

on all fours, and shelter myself, by lying flat on my face, on the

lee-side of a border of lemon-thyme, but so bruised from head to foot,

that I could not go abroad in ten days. Neither is this at all to be

wondered at, because nature, in that country, observing the same

proportion through all her operations, a hailstone is near eighteen

hundred times as large as one in Europe; which I can assert upon

experience, having been so curious as to weigh and measure them.

But a more dangerous accident happened to me in the same garden, when

my little nurse, believing she had put me in a secure place (which I

often entreated her to do, that I might enjoy my own thoughts,) and

having left my box at home, to avoid the trouble of carrying it, went

to another part of the garden with her governess and some ladies of her

acquaintance. While she was absent, and out of hearing, a small white

spaniel that belonged to one of the chief gardeners, having got by

accident into the garden, happened to range near the place where I lay:

the dog, following the scent, came directly up, and taking me in his

mouth, ran straight to his master wagging his tail, and set me gently

on the ground. By good fortune he had been so well taught, that I was

carried between his teeth without the least hurt, or even tearing my

clothes. But the poor gardener, who knew me well, and had a great

kindness for me, was in a terrible fright: he gently took me up in both

his hands, and asked me how I did? but I was so amazed and out of

breath, that I could not speak a word. In a few minutes I came to

myself, and he carried me safe to my little nurse, who, by this time,

had returned to the place where she left me, and was in cruel agonies

when I did not appear, nor answer when she called. She severely

reprimanded the gardener on account of his dog. But the thing was

hushed up, and never known at court, for the girl was afraid of the

queen’s anger; and truly, as to myself, I thought it would not be for

my reputation, that such a story should go about.

This accident absolutely determined Glumdalclitch never to trust me

abroad for the future out of her sight. I had been long afraid of this

resolution, and therefore concealed from her some little unlucky

adventures, that happened in those times when I was left by myself.

Once a kite, hovering over the garden, made a stoop at me, and if I had

not resolutely drawn my hanger, and run under a thick espalier, he

would have certainly carried me away in his talons. Another time,

walking to the top of a fresh mole-hill, I fell to my neck in the hole,

through which that animal had cast up the earth, and coined some lie,

not worth remembering, to excuse myself for spoiling my clothes. I

likewise broke my right shin against the shell of a snail, which I

happened to stumble over, as I was walking alone and thinking on poor

England.

I cannot tell whether I were more pleased or mortified to observe, in

those solitary walks, that the smaller birds did not appear to be at

all afraid of me, but would hop about within a yard’s distance, looking

for worms and other food, with as much indifference and security as if

no creature at all were near them. I remember, a thrush had the

confidence to snatch out of my hand, with his bill, a piece of cake

that Glumdalclitch had just given me for my breakfast. When I attempted

to catch any of these birds, they would boldly turn against me,

endeavouring to peck my fingers, which I durst not venture within their

reach; and then they would hop back unconcerned, to hunt for worms or

snails, as they did before. But one day, I took a thick cudgel, and

threw it with all my strength so luckily, at a linnet, that I knocked

him down, and seizing him by the neck with both my hands, ran with him

in triumph to my nurse. However, the bird, who had only been stunned,

recovering himself gave me so many boxes with his wings, on both sides

of my head and body, though I held him at arm’s length, and was out of

the reach of his claws, that I was twenty times thinking to let him go.

But I was soon relieved by one of our servants, who wrung off the

bird’s neck, and I had him next day for dinner, by the queen’s command.

This linnet, as near as I can remember, seemed to be somewhat larger

than an English swan.

The maids of honour often invited Glumdalclitch to their apartments,

and desired she would bring me along with her, on purpose to have the

pleasure of seeing and touching me. They would often strip me naked

from top to toe, and lay me at full length in their bosoms; wherewith I

was much disgusted because, to say the truth, a very offensive smell

came from their skins; which I do not mention, or intend, to the

disadvantage of those excellent ladies, for whom I have all manner of

respect; but I conceive that my sense was more acute in proportion to

my littleness, and that those illustrious persons were no more

disagreeable to their lovers, or to each other, than people of the same

quality are with us in England. And, after all, I found their natural

smell was much more supportable, than when they used perfumes, under

which I immediately swooned away. I cannot forget, that an intimate

friend of mine in Lilliput, took the freedom in a warm day, when I had

used a good deal of exercise, to complain of a strong smell about me,

although I am as little faulty that way, as most of my sex: but I

suppose his faculty of smelling was as nice with regard to me, as mine

was to that of this people. Upon this point, I cannot forbear doing

justice to the queen my mistress, and Glumdalclitch my nurse, whose

persons were as sweet as those of any lady in England.

That which gave me most uneasiness among these maids of honour (when my

nurse carried me to visit them) was, to see them use me without any

manner of ceremony, like a creature who had no sort of consequence: for

they would strip themselves to the skin, and put on their smocks in my

presence, while I was placed on their toilet, directly before their

naked bodies, which I am sure to me was very far from being a tempting

sight, or from giving me any other emotions than those of horror and

disgust: their skins appeared so coarse and uneven, so variously

coloured, when I saw them near, with a mole here and there as broad as

a trencher, and hairs hanging from it thicker than packthreads, to say

nothing farther concerning the rest of their persons. Neither did they

at all scruple, while I was by, to discharge what they had drank, to

the quantity of at least two hogsheads, in a vessel that held above

three tuns. The handsomest among these maids of honour, a pleasant,

frolicsome girl of sixteen, would sometimes set me astride upon one of

her nipples, with many other tricks, wherein the reader will excuse me

for not being over particular. But I was so much displeased, that I

entreated Glumdalclitch to contrive some excuse for not seeing that

young lady any more.

One day, a young gentleman, who was nephew to my nurse’s governess,

came and pressed them both to see an execution. It was of a man, who

had murdered one of that gentleman’s intimate acquaintance.

Glumdalclitch was prevailed on to be of the company, very much against

her inclination, for she was naturally tender-hearted: and, as for

myself, although I abhorred such kind of spectacles, yet my curiosity

tempted me to see something that I thought must be extraordinary. The

malefactor was fixed in a chair upon a scaffold erected for that

purpose, and his head cut off at one blow, with a sword of about forty

feet long. The veins and arteries spouted up such a prodigious quantity

of blood, and so high in the air, that the great _jet d’eau_ at

Versailles was not equal to it for the time it lasted: and the head,

when it fell on the scaffold floor, gave such a bounce as made me

start, although I was at least half an English mile distant.

The queen, who often used to hear me talk of my sea-voyages, and took

all occasions to divert me when I was melancholy, asked me whether I

understood how to handle a sail or an oar, and whether a little

exercise of rowing might not be convenient for my health? I answered,

that I understood both very well: for although my proper employment had

been to be surgeon or doctor to the ship, yet often, upon a pinch, I

was forced to work like a common mariner. But I could not see how this

could be done in their country, where the smallest wherry was equal to

a first-rate man of war among us; and such a boat as I could manage

would never live in any of their rivers. Her majesty said, if I would

contrive a boat, her own joiner should make it, and she would provide a

place for me to sail in. The fellow was an ingenious workman, and by my

instructions, in ten days, finished a pleasure-boat with all its

tackling, able conveniently to hold eight Europeans. When it was

finished, the queen was so delighted, that she ran with it in her lap

to the king, who ordered it to be put into a cistern full of water,

with me in it, by way of trial, where I could not manage my two sculls,

or little oars, for want of room. But the queen had before contrived

another project. She ordered the joiner to make a wooden trough of

three hundred feet long, fifty broad, and eight deep; which, being well

pitched, to prevent leaking, was placed on the floor, along the wall,

in an outer room of the palace. It had a cock near the bottom to let

out the water, when it began to grow stale; and two servants could

easily fill it in half an hour. Here I often used to row for my own

diversion, as well as that of the queen and her ladies, who thought

themselves well entertained with my skill and agility. Sometimes I

would put up my sail, and then my business was only to steer, while the

ladies gave me a gale with their fans; and, when they were weary, some

of their pages would blow my sail forward with their breath, while I

showed my art by steering starboard or larboard as I pleased. When I

had done, Glumdalclitch always carried back my boat into her closet,

and hung it on a nail to dry.

In this exercise I once met an accident, which had like to have cost me

my life; for, one of the pages having put my boat into the trough, the

governess who attended Glumdalclitch very officiously lifted me up, to

place me in the boat: but I happened to slip through her fingers, and

should infallibly have fallen down forty feet upon the floor, if, by

the luckiest chance in the world, I had not been stopped by a

corking-pin that stuck in the good gentlewoman’s stomacher; the head of

the pin passing between my shirt and the waistband of my breeches, and

thus I was held by the middle in the air, till Glumdalclitch ran to my

relief.

Another time, one of the servants, whose office it was to fill my

trough every third day with fresh water, was so careless as to let a

huge frog (not perceiving it) slip out of his pail. The frog lay

concealed till I was put into my boat, but then, seeing a

resting-place, climbed up, and made it lean so much on one side, that I

was forced to balance it with all my weight on the other, to prevent

overturning. When the frog was got in, it hopped at once half the

length of the boat, and then over my head, backward and forward,

daubing my face and clothes with its odious slime. The largeness of its

features made it appear the most deformed animal that can be conceived.

However, I desired Glumdalclitch to let me deal with it alone. I banged

it a good while with one of my sculls, and at last forced it to leap

out of the boat.

But the greatest danger I ever underwent in that kingdom, was from a

monkey, who belonged to one of the clerks of the kitchen. Glumdalclitch

had locked me up in her closet, while she went somewhere upon business,

or a visit. The weather being very warm, the closet-window was left

open, as well as the windows and the door of my bigger box, in which I

usually lived, because of its largeness and conveniency. As I sat

quietly meditating at my table, I heard something bounce in at the

closet-window, and skip about from one side to the other: whereat,

although I was much alarmed, yet I ventured to look out, but not

stirring from my seat; and then I saw this frolicsome animal frisking

and leaping up and down, till at last he came to my box, which he

seemed to view with great pleasure and curiosity, peeping in at the

door and every window. I retreated to the farther corner of my room; or

box; but the monkey looking in at every side, put me in such a fright,

that I wanted presence of mind to conceal myself under the bed, as I

might easily have done. After some time spent in peeping, grinning, and

chattering, he at last espied me; and reaching one of his paws in at

the door, as a cat does when she plays with a mouse, although I often

shifted place to avoid him, he at length seized the lappet of my coat

(which being made of that country silk, was very thick and strong), and

dragged me out. He took me up in his right fore-foot and held me as a

nurse does a child she is going to suckle, just as I have seen the same

sort of creature do with a kitten in Europe; and when I offered to

struggle he squeezed me so hard, that I thought it more prudent to

submit. I have good reason to believe, that he took me for a young one

of his own species, by his often stroking my face very gently with his

other paw. In these diversions he was interrupted by a noise at the

closet door, as if somebody were opening it: whereupon he suddenly

leaped up to the window at which he had come in, and thence upon the

leads and gutters, walking upon three legs, and holding me in the

fourth, till he clambered up to a roof that was next to ours. I heard

Glumdalclitch give a shriek at the moment he was carrying me out. The

poor girl was almost distracted: that quarter of the palace was all in

an uproar; the servants ran for ladders; the monkey was seen by

hundreds in the court, sitting upon the ridge of a building, holding me

like a baby in one of his forepaws, and feeding me with the other, by

cramming into my mouth some victuals he had squeezed out of the bag on

one side of his chaps, and patting me when I would not eat; whereat

many of the rabble below could not forbear laughing; neither do I think

they justly ought to be blamed, for, without question, the sight was

ridiculous enough to every body but myself. Some of the people threw up

stones, hoping to drive the monkey down; but this was strictly

forbidden, or else, very probably, my brains had been dashed out.

The ladders were now applied, and mounted by several men; which the

monkey observing, and finding himself almost encompassed, not being

able to make speed enough with his three legs, let me drop on a ridge

tile, and made his escape. Here I sat for some time, five hundred yards

from the ground, expecting every moment to be blown down by the wind,

or to fall by my own giddiness, and come tumbling over and over from

the ridge to the eaves; but an honest lad, one of my nurse’s footmen,

climbed up, and putting me into his breeches pocket, brought me down

safe.

I was almost choked with the filthy stuff the monkey had crammed down

my throat: but my dear little nurse picked it out of my mouth with a

small needle, and then I fell a-vomiting, which gave me great relief.

Yet I was so weak and bruised in the sides with the squeezes given me

by this odious animal, that I was forced to keep my bed a fortnight.

The king, queen, and all the court, sent every day to inquire after my

health; and her majesty made me several visits during my sickness. The

monkey was killed, and an order made, that no such animal should be

kept about the palace.

When I attended the king after my recovery, to return him thanks for

his favours, he was pleased to rally me a good deal upon this

adventure. He asked me, “what my thoughts and speculations were, while

I lay in the monkey’s paw; how I liked the victuals he gave me; his

manner of feeding; and whether the fresh air on the roof had sharpened

my stomach.” He desired to know, “what I would have done upon such an

occasion in my own country.” I told his majesty, “that in Europe we had

no monkeys, except such as were brought for curiosity from other

places, and so small, that I could deal with a dozen of them together,

if they presumed to attack me. And as for that monstrous animal with

whom I was so lately engaged (it was indeed as large as an elephant),

if my fears had suffered me to think so far as to make use of my

hanger,” (looking fiercely, and clapping my hand on the hilt, as I

spoke) “when he poked his paw into my chamber, perhaps I should have

given him such a wound, as would have made him glad to withdraw it with

more haste than he put it in.” This I delivered in a firm tone, like a

person who was jealous lest his courage should be called in question.

However, my speech produced nothing else beside a loud laughter, which

all the respect due to his majesty from those about him could not make

them contain. This made me reflect, how vain an attempt it is for a man

to endeavour to do himself honour among those who are out of all degree

of equality or comparison with him. And yet I have seen the moral of my

own behaviour very frequent in England since my return; where a little

contemptible varlet, without the least title to birth, person, wit, or

common sense, shall presume to look with importance, and put himself

upon a foot with the greatest persons of the kingdom.

I was every day furnishing the court with some ridiculous story: and

Glumdalclitch, although she loved me to excess, yet was arch enough to

inform the queen, whenever I committed any folly that she thought would

be diverting to her majesty. The girl, who had been out of order, was

carried by her governess to take the air about an hour’s distance, or

thirty miles from town. They alighted out of the coach near a small

foot-path in a field, and Glumdalclitch setting down my travelling box,

I went out of it to walk. There was a cow-dung in the path, and I must

need try my activity by attempting to leap over it. I took a run, but

unfortunately jumped short, and found myself just in the middle up to

my knees. I waded through with some difficulty, and one of the footmen

wiped me as clean as he could with his handkerchief, for I was filthily

bemired; and my nurse confined me to my box, till we returned home;

where the queen was soon informed of what had passed, and the footmen

spread it about the court: so that all the mirth for some days was at

my expense.