CHAPTER III.
THE AUTHOR SENT FOR TO COURT. THE QUEEN BUYS HIM OF HIS MASTER THE
FARMER, AND PRESENTS HIM TO THE KING. HE DISPUTES WITH HIS
MAJESTY'S GREAT SCHOLARS. AN APARTMENT AT COURT PROVIDED FOR THE
AUTHOR. HE IS IN HIGH FAVOR WITH THE QUEEN. HE STANDS UP FOR THE
HONOR OF HIS OWN COUNTRY. HE QUARRELS WITH THE QUEEN'S DWARF.
The frequent labors I underwent every day, made in a few weeks a very
considerable change in my health; the more my master got by me, the more
insatiable he grew. I had quite lost my stomach, and was almost reduced
to a skeleton. The farmer observed it, and, concluding I must soon die,
resolved to make as good a hand of me[52] as he could. While he was thus
reasoning and resolving with himself, a _slardral_, or gentleman-usher,
came from court, commanding my master to carry me immediately thither,
for the diversion of the queen and her ladies. Some of the latter had
already been to see me, and reported strange things of my beauty,
behavior, and good sense. Her majesty, and those who attended her, were
beyond measure delighted with my demeanor. I fell on my knees and begged
the honor of kissing her imperial foot; but this gracious princess held
out her little finger towards me, after I was set on a table, which I
embraced in both my arms, and put the tip of it with the utmost respect
to my lip.
She made me some general questions about my country, and my travels,
which I answered as distinctly, and in as few words, as I could. She
asked whether I would be content to live at court. I bowed down to the
board of the table, and humbly answered that I was my master's slave;
but if I were at my own disposal, I should be proud to devote my life to
her majesty's service. She then asked my master whether he were willing
to sell me at a good price. He, who apprehended I could not live a
month, was ready enough to part with me, and demanded a thousand pieces
of gold, which were ordered him on the spot, each piece being the
bigness of eight hundred moidores[53]; but, for the proportion of all
things between that country and Europe, and the high price of gold among
them, was hardly so great a sum as a thousand guineas[54] would be in
England. I then said to the queen, since I was now her majesty's most
humble creature and vassal, I must beg the favor, that Glumdalclitch,
who had always attended me with so much care and kindness, and
understood to do it so well, might be admitted into her service, and
continue to be my nurse and instructor.
Her majesty agreed to my petition, and easily got the farmer's consent,
who was glad enough to have his daughter preferred at court, and the
poor girl herself was not able to hide her joy. My late master withdrew,
bidding me farewell, and saying he had left me in good service, to
which I replied not a word, only making him a slight bow.
[Illustration: "THIS GRACIOUS PRINCESS HELD OUT HER LITTLE FINGER."
P. 32.]
The queen observed my coldness, and, when the farmer was gone out of
the apartment, asked me the reason. I made bold to tell her majesty
that I owed no other obligation to my late master, than his not
dashing out the brains of a poor harmless creature, found by chance in
his field; which obligation was amply recompensed by the gain he had
made in showing me through half the kingdom, and the price he had now
sold me for. That the life I had since led was laborious enough to
kill an animal of ten times my strength. That my health was much
impaired by the continual drudgery of entertaining the rabble every
hour of the day, and that, if my master had not thought my life in
danger, her majesty would not have got so cheap a bargain. But as I
was out of all fear of being ill-treated under the protection of so
great and good an empress, the ornament of nature, the darling of the
world, the delight of her subjects, the phoenix[55] of the creation;
so, I hoped my late master's apprehensions would appear to be
groundless, for I already found my spirits to revive, by the influence
of her most august presence.
This was the sum of my speech, delivered with great improprieties and
hesitation; the latter part was altogether framed in the style peculiar
to that people, whereof I learned some phrases from Glumdalclitch, while
she was carrying me to court.
The queen, giving great allowance for my defectiveness in speaking, was,
however, surprised at so much wit and good sense in so diminutive an
animal.
[Illustration: "SHE ... CARRIED ME TO THE KING." P. 36.]
She took me in her own hand, and carried me to the king, who was then
retired to his cabinet.[56] His majesty, a prince of much gravity and
austere countenance, not well observing my shape at first view, asked
the queen, after a cold manner, how long it was since she grew fond of a
_splacnuck_; for such it seems he took me to be, as I lay upon my breast
in her majesty's right hand. But this princess, who hath an infinite
deal of wit and humor, set me gently on my feet upon the scrutoire,[57]
and commanded me to give his majesty an account of myself, which I did
in a very few words; and Glumdalclitch, who attended at the
cabinet-door, and could not endure I should be out of her sight, being
admitted, confirmed all that had passed from my arrival at her father's
house.
The king, although he be as learned a person as any in his dominions,
had been educated in the study of philosophy, and particularly
mathematics; yet, when he observed my shape exactly, and saw me walk
erect, before I began to speak, conceived I might be a piece of
clockwork (which is in that country arrived to a very great perfection)
contrived by some ingenious artist. But when he heard my voice, and
found what I delivered to be regular and rational, he could not conceal
his astonishment. He was by no means satisfied with the relation I gave
him of the manner I came into his kingdom, but thought it a story
concerted between Glumdalclitch and her father, who had taught me a set
of words, to make me sell at a better price. Upon this imagination he
put several other questions to me, and still received rational answers,
no otherwise defective than by a foreign accent, and an imperfect
knowledge in the language, with some rustic phrases, which I had learned
at the farmer's house, and did not suit the polite style of a court.
His majesty sent for three great scholars, who were then in their weekly
waiting[58] according to the custom in that country. These gentlemen,
after they had a while examined my shape with much nicety, were of
different opinions concerning me. They all agreed that I could not be
produced according to the regular laws of nature, because I was not
framed with a capacity of preserving my life, either by swiftness or
climbing of trees, or digging holes in the earth. They observed by my
teeth, which they viewed with great exactness, that I was a carnivorous
animal; yet most quadrupeds being an overmatch for me, and field-mice,
with some others, too nimble, they could not imagine how I should be
able to support myself, unless I fed upon snails and other insects,
which they offered, by many learned arguments, to evince that I could
not possibly do. They would not allow me to be a dwarf, because my
littleness was beyond all degrees of comparison; for the queen's
favorite dwarf, the smallest ever known in that kingdom, was nearly
thirty feet high. After much debate, they concluded unanimously that I
was only _relplum scalcath_, which is interpreted literally, _lusus
naturae_;[59] a determination exactly agreeable to the modern philosophy
of Europe: whose professors, disdaining the old evasion of occult
causes, whereby the followers of Aristotle endeavored in vain to
disguise their ignorance, have invented this wonderful solution of all
difficulties, to the unspeakable advancement of human knowledge.
After this decisive conclusion, I entreated to be heard a word or two. I
applied myself to the king, and assured his majesty that I came from a
country which abounded with several millions of both sexes, and of my
own stature; where the animals, trees, and houses were all in
proportion, and where, by consequence, I might be as able to defend
myself, and to find sustenance, as any of his majesty's subjects could
do here; which I took for a full answer to those gentlemen's arguments.
To this they only replied with a smile of contempt, saying, that the
farmer had instructed me very well in my lesson. The king, who had a
much better understanding, dismissing his learned men, sent for the
farmer, who, by good fortune, was not yet gone out of town; having
therefore first examined him privately, and then confronted him with me
and the young girl, his majesty began to think that what we had told him
might possibly be true. He desired the queen to order that a particular
care should be taken of me, and was of opinion that Glumdalclitch should
still continue in her office of tending me, because he observed that we
had a great affection for each other. A convenient apartment was
provided for her at court; she had a sort of governess appointed to take
care of her education, a maid to dress her, and two other servants for
menial offices; but the care of me was wholly appropriated to herself.
The queen commanded her own cabinet-maker to contrive a box, that might
serve me for a bed-chamber, after the model that Glumdalclitch and I
should agree upon. This man was a most ingenious artist, and, according
to my directions, in three weeks finished to me a wooden chamber of
sixteen feet square and twelve high, with sash-windows, a door, and two
closets, like a London bed-chamber. The board that made the ceiling was
to be lifted up and down by two hinges, to put in a bed ready furnished
by her majesty's upholsterer, which Glumdalclitch took out every day to
air, made it with her own hands, and, letting it down at night, locked
up the roof over me. A nice workman, who was famous for little
curiosities, undertook to make me two chairs, with backs and frames, of
a substance not unlike ivory, and two tables, with a cabinet to put my
things in. The room was quilted on all sides, as well as the floor and
the ceiling, to prevent any accident from the carelessness of those who
carried me, and to break the force of a jolt when I went in a coach. I
desired a lock for my door, to prevent rats and mice from coming in: the
smith, after several attempts, made the smallest that ever was seen
among them; for I have known a larger at the gate of a gentleman's house
in England. I made a shift to keep the key in a pocket of my own,
fearing Glumdalclitch might lose it. The queen likewise ordered the
thinnest silks that could be gotten to make me clothes, not much thicker
than an English blanket, very cumbersome, till I was accustomed to them.
They were after the fashion of the kingdom, partly resembling the
Persian, and partly the Chinese, and are a very grave and decent habit.
The queen became so fond of my company that she could not dine without
me. I had a table placed upon the same at which her Majesty ate, just at
her left elbow, and a chair to sit on. Glumdalclitch stood on a stool on
the floor, near my table, to assist and take care of me. I had an entire
set of silver dishes and plates, and other necessaries, which, in
proportion to those of the queen, were not much bigger than what I have
seen in a London toy-shop for the furniture of a baby-house: these my
little nurse kept in her pocket in a silver box, and gave me at meals
as I wanted them, always cleaning them herself. No person dined with the
queen but the two princesses royal the elder sixteen years old, and the
younger at that time thirteen and a month. Her majesty used to put a bit
of meat upon one of my dishes, out of which I carved for myself: and her
diversion was to see me eat in miniature; for the queen (who had,
indeed, but a weak stomach) took up at one mouthful as much as a dozen
English farmers could eat at a meal, which to me was for some time a
very nauseous sight. She would craunch the wing of a lark, bones and
all, between her teeth, although it were nine times as large as that of
a full-grown turkey; and put a bit of bread in her mouth as big as two
twelve-penny loaves. She drank out of a golden cup, above a hogshead at
a draught. Her knives were twice as long as a scythe, set straight upon
the handle. The spoons, forks, and other instruments, were all in the
same proportion. I remember when Glumdalclitch carried me, out of
curiosity, to see some of the tables at court, where ten or a dozen of
these enormous knives and forks were lifted up together, I thought I had
never till then beheld so terrible a sight.
It is the custom that every Wednesday (which, as I have before observed,
is their Sabbath) the king and queen, with the royal issue of both sexes
dine together in the apartment of his majesty, to whom I was now become
a great favorite; and, at these times, my little chair and table were
placed at his left hand, before one of the salt-cellars. This prince
took a pleasure in conversing with me, inquiring into the manners,
religion, taws, government, and learning of Europe; wherein I gave him
the best account I was able. His apprehension was so clear, and his
judgment so exact, that he made very wise reflections and observations
upon all I said. But I confess that after I had been a little too
copious in talking of my own beloved country, of our trade, and wars by
sea and land, of our schisms in religion, and parties in the state; the
prejudices of his education prevailed so far that he could not forbear
taking me up in his right hand, and, stroking me gently with the other,
after a hearty fit of laughing, asked me, whether I was a whig or a
tory? Then turning to his first minister, who waited behind him with a
white staff, near as tall as the mainmast of the "Royal Sovereign[60],"
he observed how contemptible a thing was human grandeur, which could be
mimicked by such diminutive insects as I: and yet, says he, I dare
engage these creatures have their titles and distinctions of honor; they
contrive little nests and burrows, that they call houses and cities;
they make a figure in dress and equipage; they love, they fight, they
dispute, they cheat, they betray. And thus he continued on, while my
color came and went several times with indignation, to hear our noble
country, the mistress of arts and arms, the scourge of France, the
arbitress of Europe, the seat of virtue, piety, honor, and truth, the
pride and envy of the world, so contemptuously treated.
But, as I was not in a condition to resent injuries, so upon mature
thoughts, I began to doubt whether I was injured or no. For, after
having been accustomed, several months, to the sight and converse of
this people, and observed every object upon which I cast mine eyes to be
of proportionable magnitude, the horror I had at first conceived from
their bulk and aspect was so far worn off, that, if I had then beheld a
company of English lords and ladies in their finery, and birthday
clothes, acting their several parts in the most courtly manner of
strutting and bowing and prating, to say the truth, I should have been
strongly tempted to laugh as much at them as the king and his grandees
did at me. Neither, indeed, could I forbear smiling at myself, when the
queen used to place me upon her hand towards a looking-glass, by which
both our persons appeared before me in full view together; and there
could nothing be more ridiculous than the comparison; so that I really
began to imagine myself dwindled many degrees below my usual size.
Nothing angered and mortified me so much, as the queen's dwarf, who
being of the lowest stature that ever in that country (for I verily
think he was not full thirty feet high) became so insolent at seeing a
creature so much beneath him, that he would always affect to swagger,
and look big, as he passed by me in the queen's ante-chamber, while I
was standing on some table, talking with the lords or ladies of the
court, and he seldom failed of a smart word or two upon my littleness;
against which I could only revenge myself, by calling him brother,
challenging him to wrestle, and such repartees as are usual in the
mouths of court pages. One day, at dinner, this malicious little cub was
so nettled with something I had said to him, that, raising himself upon
the frame of her majesty's chair, he took me up, as I was sitting down,
not thinking any harm; and let me drop into a large silver bowl of
cream, and then ran away as fast as he could. I fell over head and ears,
and, if I had not been a good swimmer, it might have gone very hard with
me; for Glumdalclitch, in that instant, happened to be at the other
end of the room, and the queen was in such a fright, that she wanted
presence of mind to assist me. But my little nurse ran to my relief, and
took me out, after I had swallowed above a quart of cream. I was put to
bed; however, I received no other damage than the loss of a suit of
clothes, which was utterly spoiled. The dwarf was soundly whipped, and,
as a farther punishment, forced to drink up the bowl of cream into which
he had thrown me; neither was he ever restored to favor; for, soon
after, the queen bestowed him on a lady of high quality, so that I saw
him no more, to my very great satisfaction; for I could not tell to what
extremity such a malicious urchin might have carried his resentment.
[Illustration: "I COULD ONLY REVENGE MYSELF BY CALLING HIM BROTHER."
P. 42.]
He had before served me a scurvy trick, which set the queen a-laughing,
although, at the same time she was heartily vexed, and would have
immediately cashiered him, if I had not been so generous as to
intercede. Her majesty had taken a marrow-bone upon her plate and, after
knocking out the marrow, placed the bone on the dish erect, as it stood
before. The dwarf watching his opportunity, while Glumdalclitch was gone
to the sideboard, mounted upon the stool she stood on to take care of me
at meals, took me up in both hands, and, squeezing my legs together,
wedged them into the marrow-bone above my waist, where I stuck for some
time, and made a very ridiculous figure, I believe it was near a minute
before any one knew what was became of me; for I thought it below me to
cry out. But, as princes seldom get their meat hot, my legs were not
scalded, only my stockings and breeches in a sad condition. The dwarf,
at my entreaty, had no other punishment than a sound whipping.
I was frequently rallied by the queen upon account of my fearfulness;
and she used to ask me, whether the people of my country were as great
cowards as myself? The occasion was this; the kingdom is much pestered
with flies in summer; and these odious insects, each of them as big as a
Dunstable lark,[61] hardly gave me any rest, while I sat at dinner, with
their continual humming and buzzing about my ears. They would sometimes
alight upon my victuals. Sometimes they would fix upon my nose or
forehead, where they stung me to the quick, and I had much ado to defend
myself against these detestable animals, and could not forbear starting
when they came on my face. It was the common practice of the dwarf, to
catch a number of these insects in his hand, as school-boys do among us,
and let them out suddenly under my nose, on purpose to frighten me, and
divert the queen. My remedy was, to cut them in pieces with my knife, as
they flew in the air, wherein my dexterity was much admired.
[Illustration]
I remember, one morning, when Glumdalclitch had set me in my box upon a
window, as she usually did in fair days, to give me air (for I durst not
venture to let the box be hung on a nail out of the window, as we do
with cages in England) after I had lifted up one of my sashes, and sat
down at my table to eat a piece of sweet-cake for my breakfast, above
twenty wasps, allured by the smell, came flying into the room, humming
louder than the drones[62] of as many bag-pipes. Some of them seized my
cake, and carried it piece-meal away; others flew about my head and
face, confounding me with the noise, and putting me in the utmost
terror of their stings. However, I had the courage to rise and draw my
hanger, and attack them in the air. I despatched four of them, but the
rest got away, and I presently shut my window. These creatures were as
large as partridges; I took out their stings, found them an inch and a
half long, and as sharp as needles. I carefully preserved them all, and
having since shown them, with some other curiosities, in several parts
of Europe, upon my return to England, I gave three of them to Gresham
College,[63] and kept the fourth for myself.
[Illustration]