CHAPTER III.

The author sent for to court. The queen buys him of his master the

farmer, and presents him to the king. He disputes with his majesty’s

great scholars. An apartment at court provided for the author. He is in

high favour with the queen. He stands up for the honour of his own

country. His quarrels with the queen’s dwarf.

The frequent labours I underwent every day, made, in a few weeks, a

very considerable change in my health: the more my master got by me,

the more insatiable he grew. I had quite lost my stomach, and was

almost reduced to a skeleton. The farmer observed it, and concluding I

must soon die, resolved to make as good a hand of me as he could. While

he was thus reasoning and resolving with himself, a _sardral_, or

gentleman-usher, came from court, commanding my master to carry me

immediately thither for the diversion of the queen and her ladies. Some

of the latter had already been to see me, and reported strange things

of my beauty, behaviour, and good sense. Her majesty, and those who

attended her, were beyond measure delighted with my demeanour. I fell

on my knees, and begged the honour of kissing her imperial foot; but

this gracious princess held out her little finger towards me, after I

was set on the table, which I embraced in both my arms, and put the tip

of it with the utmost respect to my lip. She made me some general

questions about my country and my travels, which I answered as

distinctly, and in as few words as I could. She asked, “whether I could

be content to live at court?” I bowed down to the board of the table,

and humbly answered “that I was my master’s slave: but, if I were at my

own disposal, I should be proud to devote my life to her majesty’s

service.” She then asked my master, “whether he was willing to sell me

at a good price?” He, who apprehended I could not live a month, was

ready enough to part with me, and demanded a thousand pieces of gold,

which were ordered him on the spot, each piece being about the bigness

of eight hundred moidores; but allowing for the proportion of all

things between that country and Europe, and the high price of gold

among them, was hardly so great a sum as a thousand guineas would be in

England. I then said to the queen, “since I was now her majesty’s most

humble creature and vassal, I must beg the favour, that Glumdalclitch,

who had always tended me with so much care and kindness, and understood

to do it so well, might be admitted into her service, and continue to

be my nurse and instructor.”

Her majesty agreed to my petition, and easily got the farmer’s consent,

who was glad enough to have his daughter preferred at court, and the

poor girl herself was not able to hide her joy. My late master

withdrew, bidding me farewell, and saying he had left me in a good

service; to which I replied not a word, only making him a slight bow.

The queen observed my coldness; and, when the farmer was gone out of

the apartment, asked me the reason. I made bold to tell her majesty,

“that I owed no other obligation to my late master, than his not

dashing out the brains of a poor harmless creature, found by chance in

his fields: which obligation was amply recompensed, by the gain he had

made in showing me through half the kingdom, and the price he had now

sold me for. That the life I had since led was laborious enough to kill

an animal of ten times my strength. That my health was much impaired,

by the continual drudgery of entertaining the rabble every hour of the

day; and that, if my master had not thought my life in danger, her

majesty would not have got so cheap a bargain. But as I was out of all

fear of being ill-treated under the protection of so great and good an

empress, the ornament of nature, the darling of the world, the delight

of her subjects, the phœnix of the creation, so I hoped my late

master’s apprehensions would appear to be groundless; for I already

found my spirits revive, by the influence of her most august presence.”

This was the sum of my speech, delivered with great improprieties and

hesitation. The latter part was altogether framed in the style peculiar

to that people, whereof I learned some phrases from Glumdalclitch,

while she was carrying me to court.

The queen, giving great allowance for my defectiveness in speaking,

was, however, surprised at so much wit and good sense in so diminutive

an animal. She took me in her own hand, and carried me to the king, who

was then retired to his cabinet. His majesty, a prince of much gravity

and austere countenance, not well observing my shape at first view,

asked the queen after a cold manner “how long it was since she grew

fond of a _splacnuck_?” for such it seems he took me to be, as I lay

upon my breast in her majesty’s right hand. But this princess, who has

an infinite deal of wit and humour, set me gently on my feet upon the

scrutoire, and commanded me to give his majesty an account of myself,

which I did in a very few words: and Glumdalclitch who attended at the

cabinet door, and could not endure I should be out of her sight, being

admitted, confirmed all that had passed from my arrival at her father’s

house.

The king, although he be as learned a person as any in his dominions,

had been educated in the study of philosophy, and particularly

mathematics; yet when he observed my shape exactly, and saw me walk

erect, before I began to speak, conceived I might be a piece of

clock-work (which is in that country arrived to a very great

perfection) contrived by some ingenious artist. But when he heard my

voice, and found what I delivered to be regular and rational, he could

not conceal his astonishment. He was by no means satisfied with the

relation I gave him of the manner I came into his kingdom, but thought

it a story concerted between Glumdalclitch and her father, who had

taught me a set of words to make me sell at a better price. Upon this

imagination, he put several other questions to me, and still received

rational answers: no otherwise defective than by a foreign accent, and

an imperfect knowledge in the language, with some rustic phrases which

I had learned at the farmer’s house, and did not suit the polite style

of a court.

His majesty sent for three great scholars, who were then in their

weekly waiting, according to the custom in that country. These

gentlemen, after they had a while examined my shape with much nicety,

were of different opinions concerning me. They all agreed that I could

not be produced according to the regular laws of nature, because I was

not framed with a capacity of preserving my life, either by swiftness,

or climbing of trees, or digging holes in the earth. They observed by

my teeth, which they viewed with great exactness, that I was a

carnivorous animal; yet most quadrupeds being an overmatch for me, and

field mice, with some others, too nimble, they could not imagine how I

should be able to support myself, unless I fed upon snails and other

insects, which they offered, by many learned arguments, to evince that

I could not possibly do. One of these virtuosi seemed to think that I

might be an embryo, or abortive birth. But this opinion was rejected by

the other two, who observed my limbs to be perfect and finished; and

that I had lived several years, as it was manifest from my beard, the

stumps whereof they plainly discovered through a magnifying glass. They

would not allow me to be a dwarf, because my littleness was beyond all

degrees of comparison; for the queen’s favourite dwarf, the smallest

ever known in that kingdom, was near thirty feet high. After much

debate, they concluded unanimously, that I was only _relplum scalcath_,

which is interpreted literally _lusus naturæ_; a determination exactly

agreeable to the modern philosophy of Europe, whose professors,

disdaining the old evasion of occult causes, whereby the followers of

Aristotle endeavoured in vain to disguise their ignorance, have

invented this wonderful solution of all difficulties, to the

unspeakable advancement of human knowledge.

After this decisive conclusion, I entreated to be heard a word or two.

I applied myself to the king, and assured his majesty, “that I came

from a country which abounded with several millions of both sexes, and

of my own stature; where the animals, trees, and houses, were all in

proportion, and where, by consequence, I might be as able to defend

myself, and to find sustenance, as any of his majesty’s subjects could

do here; which I took for a full answer to those gentlemen’s

arguments.” To this they only replied with a smile of contempt, saying,

“that the farmer had instructed me very well in my lesson.” The king,

who had a much better understanding, dismissing his learned men, sent

for the farmer, who by good fortune was not yet gone out of town.

Having therefore first examined him privately, and then confronted him

with me and the young girl, his majesty began to think that what we

told him might possibly be true. He desired the queen to order that a

particular care should be taken of me; and was of opinion that

Glumdalclitch should still continue in her office of tending me,

because he observed we had a great affection for each other. A

convenient apartment was provided for her at court: she had a sort of

governess appointed to take care of her education, a maid to dress her,

and two other servants for menial offices; but the care of me was

wholly appropriated to herself. The queen commanded her own

cabinet-maker to contrive a box, that might serve me for a bedchamber,

after the model that Glumdalclitch and I should agree upon. This man

was a most ingenious artist, and according to my direction, in three

weeks finished for me a wooden chamber of sixteen feet square, and

twelve high, with sash-windows, a door, and two closets, like a London

bed-chamber. The board, that made the ceiling, was to be lifted up and

down by two hinges, to put in a bed ready furnished by her majesty’s

upholsterer, which Glumdalclitch took out every day to air, made it

with her own hands, and letting it down at night, locked up the roof

over me. A nice workman, who was famous for little curiosities,

undertook to make me two chairs, with backs and frames, of a substance

not unlike ivory, and two tables, with a cabinet to put my things in.

The room was quilted on all sides, as well as the floor and the

ceiling, to prevent any accident from the carelessness of those who

carried me, and to break the force of a jolt, when I went in a coach. I

desired a lock for my door, to prevent rats and mice from coming in.

The smith, after several attempts, made the smallest that ever was seen

among them, for I have known a larger at the gate of a gentleman’s

house in England. I made a shift to keep the key in a pocket of my own,

fearing Glumdalclitch might lose it. The queen likewise ordered the

thinnest silks that could be gotten, to make me clothes, not much

thicker than an English blanket, very cumbersome till I was accustomed

to them. They were after the fashion of the kingdom, partly resembling

the Persian, and partly the Chinese, and are a very grave and decent

habit.

The queen became so fond of my company, that she could not dine without

me. I had a table placed upon the same at which her majesty ate, just

at her left elbow, and a chair to sit on. Glumdalclitch stood on a

stool on the floor near my table, to assist and take care of me. I had

an entire set of silver dishes and plates, and other necessaries,

which, in proportion to those of the queen, were not much bigger than

what I have seen in a London toy-shop for the furniture of a

baby-house: these my little nurse kept in her pocket in a silver box,

and gave me at meals as I wanted them, always cleaning them herself. No

person dined with the queen but the two princesses royal, the eldest

sixteen years old, and the younger at that time thirteen and a month.

Her majesty used to put a bit of meat upon one of my dishes, out of

which I carved for myself, and her diversion was to see me eat in

miniature: for the queen (who had indeed but a weak stomach) took up,

at one mouthful, as much as a dozen English farmers could eat at a

meal, which to me was for some time a very nauseous sight. She would

craunch the wing of a lark, bones and all, between her teeth, although

it were nine times as large as that of a full-grown turkey; and put a

bit of bread into her mouth as big as two twelve-penny loaves. She

drank out of a golden cup, above a hogshead at a draught. Her knives

were twice as long as a scythe, set straight upon the handle. The

spoons, forks, and other instruments, were all in the same proportion.

I remember when Glumdalclitch carried me, out of curiosity, to see some

of the tables at court, where ten or a dozen of those enormous knives

and forks were lifted up together, I thought I had never till then

beheld so terrible a sight.

It is the custom, that every Wednesday (which, as I have observed, is

their Sabbath) the king and queen, with the royal issue of both sexes,

dine together in the apartment of his majesty, to whom I was now become

a great favourite; and at these times, my little chair and table were

placed at his left hand, before one of the salt-cellars. This prince

took a pleasure in conversing with me, inquiring into the manners,

religion, laws, government, and learning of Europe; wherein I gave him

the best account I was able. His apprehension was so clear, and his

judgment so exact, that he made very wise reflections and observations

upon all I said. But I confess, that, after I had been a little too

copious in talking of my own beloved country, of our trade and wars by

sea and land, of our schisms in religion, and parties in the state; the

prejudices of his education prevailed so far, that he could not forbear

taking me up in his right hand, and stroking me gently with the other,

after a hearty fit of laughing, asked me, “whether I was a whig or

tory?” Then turning to his first minister, who waited behind him with a

white staff, near as tall as the mainmast of the Royal Sovereign, he

observed “how contemptible a thing was human grandeur, which could be

mimicked by such diminutive insects as I: and yet,” says he, “I dare

engage these creatures have their titles and distinctions of honour;

they contrive little nests and burrows, that they call houses and

cities; they make a figure in dress and equipage; they love, they

fight, they dispute, they cheat, they betray!” And thus he continued

on, while my colour came and went several times, with indignation, to

hear our noble country, the mistress of arts and arms, the scourge of

France, the arbitress of Europe, the seat of virtue, piety, honour, and

truth, the pride and envy of the world, so contemptuously treated.

But as I was not in a condition to resent injuries, so upon mature

thoughts I began to doubt whether I was injured or no. For, after

having been accustomed several months to the sight and converse of this

people, and observed every object upon which I cast my eyes to be of

proportionable magnitude, the horror I had at first conceived from

their bulk and aspect was so far worn off, that if I had then beheld a

company of English lords and ladies in their finery and birth-day

clothes, acting their several parts in the most courtly manner of

strutting, and bowing, and prating, to say the truth, I should have

been strongly tempted to laugh as much at them as the king and his

grandees did at me. Neither, indeed, could I forbear smiling at myself,

when the queen used to place me upon her hand towards a looking-glass,

by which both our persons appeared before me in full view together; and

there could be nothing more ridiculous than the comparison; so that I

really began to imagine myself dwindled many degrees below my usual

size.

Nothing angered and mortified me so much as the queen’s dwarf; who

being of the lowest stature that was ever in that country (for I verily

think he was not full thirty feet high), became so insolent at seeing a

creature so much beneath him, that he would always affect to swagger

and look big as he passed by me in the queen’s antechamber, while I was

standing on some table talking with the lords or ladies of the court,

and he seldom failed of a smart word or two upon my littleness; against

which I could only revenge myself by calling him brother, challenging

him to wrestle, and such repartees as are usually in the mouths of

court pages. One day, at dinner, this malicious little cub was so

nettled with something I had said to him, that, raising himself upon

the frame of her majesty’s chair, he took me up by the middle, as I was

sitting down, not thinking any harm, and let me drop into a large

silver bowl of cream, and then ran away as fast as he could. I fell

over head and ears, and, if I had not been a good swimmer, it might

have gone very hard with me; for Glumdalclitch in that instant happened

to be at the other end of the room, and the queen was in such a fright,

that she wanted presence of mind to assist me. But my little nurse ran

to my relief, and took me out, after I had swallowed above a quart of

cream. I was put to bed: however, I received no other damage than the

loss of a suit of clothes, which was utterly spoiled. The dwarf was

soundly whipt, and as a farther punishment, forced to drink up the bowl

of cream into which he had thrown me: neither was he ever restored to

favour; for soon after the queen bestowed him on a lady of high

quality, so that I saw him no more, to my very great satisfaction; for

I could not tell to what extremities such a malicious urchin might have

carried his resentment.

He had before served me a scurvy trick, which set the queen a-laughing,

although at the same time she was heartily vexed, and would have

immediately cashiered him, if I had not been so generous as to

intercede. Her majesty had taken a marrow-bone upon her plate, and,

after knocking out the marrow, placed the bone again in the dish erect,

as it stood before; the dwarf, watching his opportunity, while

Glumdalclitch was gone to the side-board, mounted the stool that she

stood on to take care of me at meals, took me up in both hands, and

squeezing my legs together, wedged them into the marrow bone above my

waist, where I stuck for some time, and made a very ridiculous figure.

I believe it was near a minute before any one knew what was become of

me; for I thought it below me to cry out. But, as princes seldom get

their meat hot, my legs were not scalded, only my stockings and

breeches in a sad condition. The dwarf, at my entreaty, had no other

punishment than a sound whipping.

I was frequently rallied by the queen upon account of my fearfulness;

and she used to ask me whether the people of my country were as great

cowards as myself? The occasion was this: the kingdom is much pestered

with flies in summer; and these odious insects, each of them as big as

a Dunstable lark, hardly gave me any rest while I sat at dinner, with

their continual humming and buzzing about mine ears. They would

sometimes alight upon my victuals, and leave their loathsome excrement,

or spawn behind, which to me was very visible, though not to the

natives of that country, whose large optics were not so acute as mine,

in viewing smaller objects. Sometimes they would fix upon my nose, or

forehead, where they stung me to the quick, smelling very offensively;

and I could easily trace that viscous matter, which, our naturalists

tell us, enables those creatures to walk with their feet upwards upon a

ceiling. I had much ado to defend myself against these detestable

animals, and could not forbear starting when they came on my face. It

was the common practice of the dwarf, to catch a number of these

insects in his hand, as schoolboys do among us, and let them out

suddenly under my nose, on purpose to frighten me, and divert the

queen. My remedy was to cut them in pieces with my knife, as they flew

in the air, wherein my dexterity was much admired.

I remember, one morning, when Glumdalclitch had set me in a box upon a

window, as she usually did in fair days to give me air (for I durst not

venture to let the box be hung on a nail out of the window, as we do

with cages in England), after I had lifted up one of my sashes, and sat

down at my table to eat a piece of sweet cake for my breakfast, above

twenty wasps, allured by the smell, came flying into the room, humming

louder than the drones of as many bagpipes. Some of them seized my

cake, and carried it piecemeal away; others flew about my head and

face, confounding me with the noise, and putting me in the utmost

terror of their stings. However, I had the courage to rise and draw my

hanger, and attack them in the air. I dispatched four of them, but the

rest got away, and I presently shut my window. These insects were as

large as partridges: I took out their stings, found them an inch and a

half long, and as sharp as needles. I carefully preserved them all; and

having since shown them, with some other curiosities, in several parts

of Europe, upon my return to England I gave three of them to Gresham

College, and kept the fourth for myself.