CHAPTER VI.

Several contrivances of the author to please the king and queen. He

shows his skill in music. The king inquires into the state of England,

which the author relates to him. The king’s observations thereon.

I used to attend the king’s levee once or twice a week, and had often

seen him under the barber’s hand, which indeed was at first very

terrible to behold; for the razor was almost twice as long as an

ordinary scythe. His majesty, according to the custom of the country,

was only shaved twice a week. I once prevailed on the barber to give me

some of the suds or lather, out of which I picked forty or fifty of the

strongest stumps of hair. I then took a piece of fine wood, and cut it

like the back of a comb, making several holes in it at equal distances

with as small a needle as I could get from Glumdalclitch. I fixed in

the stumps so artificially, scraping and sloping them with my knife

toward the points, that I made a very tolerable comb; which was a

seasonable supply, my own being so much broken in the teeth, that it

was almost useless: neither did I know any artist in that country so

nice and exact, as would undertake to make me another.

And this puts me in mind of an amusement, wherein I spent many of my

leisure hours. I desired the queen’s woman to save for me the combings

of her majesty’s hair, whereof in time I got a good quantity; and

consulting with my friend the cabinet-maker, who had received general

orders to do little jobs for me, I directed him to make two

chair-frames, no larger than those I had in my box, and to bore little

holes with a fine awl, round those parts where I designed the backs and

seats; through these holes I wove the strongest hairs I could pick out,

just after the manner of cane chairs in England. When they were

finished, I made a present of them to her majesty; who kept them in her

cabinet, and used to show them for curiosities, as indeed they were the

wonder of every one that beheld them. The queen would have me sit upon

one of these chairs, but I absolutely refused to obey her, protesting I

would rather die than place a dishonourable part of my body on those

precious hairs, that once adorned her majesty’s head. Of these hairs

(as I had always a mechanical genius) I likewise made a neat little

purse, about five feet long, with her majesty’s name deciphered in gold

letters, which I gave to Glumdalclitch, by the queen’s consent. To say

the truth, it was more for show than use, being not of strength to bear

the weight of the larger coins, and therefore she kept nothing in it

but some little toys that girls are fond of.

The king, who delighted in music, had frequent concerts at court, to

which I was sometimes carried, and set in my box on a table to hear

them: but the noise was so great that I could hardly distinguish the

tunes. I am confident that all the drums and trumpets of a royal army,

beating and sounding together just at your ears, could not equal it. My

practice was to have my box removed from the place where the performers

sat, as far as I could, then to shut the doors and windows of it, and

draw the window curtains; after which I found their music not

disagreeable.

I had learned in my youth to play a little upon the spinet.

Glumdalclitch kept one in her chamber, and a master attended twice a

week to teach her: I called it a spinet, because it somewhat resembled

that instrument, and was played upon in the same manner. A fancy came

into my head, that I would entertain the king and queen with an English

tune upon this instrument. But this appeared extremely difficult: for

the spinet was near sixty feet long, each key being almost a foot wide,

so that with my arms extended I could not reach to above five keys, and

to press them down required a good smart stroke with my fist, which

would be too great a labour, and to no purpose. The method I contrived

was this: I prepared two round sticks, about the bigness of common

cudgels; they were thicker at one end than the other, and I covered the

thicker ends with pieces of a mouse’s skin, that by rapping on them I

might neither damage the tops of the keys nor interrupt the sound.

Before the spinet a bench was placed, about four feet below the keys,

and I was put upon the bench. I ran sideling upon it, that way and

this, as fast as I could, banging the proper keys with my two sticks,

and made a shift to play a jig, to the great satisfaction of both their

majesties; but it was the most violent exercise I ever underwent; and

yet I could not strike above sixteen keys, nor consequently play the

bass and treble together, as other artists do; which was a great

disadvantage to my performance.

The king, who, as I before observed, was a prince of excellent

understanding, would frequently order that I should be brought in my

box, and set upon the table in his closet: he would then command me to

bring one of my chairs out of the box, and sit down within three yards

distance upon the top of the cabinet, which brought me almost to a

level with his face. In this manner I had several conversations with

him. I one day took the freedom to tell his majesty, “that the contempt

he discovered towards Europe, and the rest of the world, did not seem

answerable to those excellent qualities of mind that he was master of;

that reason did not extend itself with the bulk of the body; on the

contrary, we observed in our country, that the tallest persons were

usually the least provided with it; that among other animals, bees and

ants had the reputation of more industry, art, and sagacity, than many

of the larger kinds; and that, as inconsiderable as he took me to be, I

hoped I might live to do his majesty some signal service.” The king

heard me with attention, and began to conceive a much better opinion of

me than he had ever before. He desired “I would give him as exact an

account of the government of England as I possibly could; because, as

fond as princes commonly are of their own customs (for so he

conjectured of other monarchs, by my former discourses), he should be

glad to hear of any thing that might deserve imitation.”

Imagine with thyself, courteous reader, how often I then wished for the

tongue of Demosthenes or Cicero, that might have enabled me to

celebrate the praise of my own dear native country in a style equal to

its merits and felicity.

I began my discourse by informing his majesty, that our dominions

consisted of two islands, which composed three mighty kingdoms, under

one sovereign, beside our plantations in America. I dwelt long upon the

fertility of our soil, and the temperature of our climate. I then spoke

at large upon the constitution of an English parliament; partly made up

of an illustrious body called the House of Peers; persons of the

noblest blood, and of the most ancient and ample patrimonies. I

described that extraordinary care always taken of their education in

arts and arms, to qualify them for being counsellors both to the king

and kingdom; to have a share in the legislature; to be members of the

highest court of judicature, whence there can be no appeal; and to be

champions always ready for the defence of their prince and country, by

their valour, conduct, and fidelity. That these were the ornament and

bulwark of the kingdom, worthy followers of their most renowned

ancestors, whose honour had been the reward of their virtue, from which

their posterity were never once known to degenerate. To these were

joined several holy persons, as part of that assembly, under the title

of bishops, whose peculiar business is to take care of religion, and of

those who instruct the people therein. These were searched and sought

out through the whole nation, by the prince and his wisest counsellors,

among such of the priesthood as were most deservedly distinguished by

the sanctity of their lives, and the depth of their erudition; who were

indeed the spiritual fathers of the clergy and the people.

That the other part of the parliament consisted of an assembly called

the House of Commons, who were all principal gentlemen, freely picked

and culled out by the people themselves, for their great abilities and

love of their country, to represent the wisdom of the whole nation. And

that these two bodies made up the most august assembly in Europe; to

whom, in conjunction with the prince, the whole legislature is

committed.

I then descended to the courts of justice; over which the judges, those

venerable sages and interpreters of the law, presided, for determining

the disputed rights and properties of men, as well as for the

punishment of vice and protection of innocence. I mentioned the prudent

management of our treasury; the valour and achievements of our forces,

by sea and land. I computed the number of our people, by reckoning how

many millions there might be of each religious sect, or political party

among us. I did not omit even our sports and pastimes, or any other

particular which I thought might redound to the honour of my country.

And I finished all with a brief historical account of affairs and

events in England for about a hundred years past.

This conversation was not ended under five audiences, each of several

hours; and the king heard the whole with great attention, frequently

taking notes of what I spoke, as well as memorandums of what questions

he intended to ask me.

When I had put an end to these long discourses, his majesty, in a sixth

audience, consulting his notes, proposed many doubts, queries, and

objections, upon every article. He asked, “What methods were used to

cultivate the minds and bodies of our young nobility, and in what kind

of business they commonly spent the first and teachable parts of their

lives? What course was taken to supply that assembly, when any noble

family became extinct? What qualifications were necessary in those who

are to be created new lords: whether the humour of the prince, a sum of

money to a court lady, or a design of strengthening a party opposite to

the public interest, ever happened to be the motive in those

advancements? What share of knowledge these lords had in the laws of

their country, and how they came by it, so as to enable them to decide

the properties of their fellow-subjects in the last resort? Whether

they were always so free from avarice, partialities, or want, that a

bribe, or some other sinister view, could have no place among them?

Whether those holy lords I spoke of were always promoted to that rank

upon account of their knowledge in religious matters, and the sanctity

of their lives; had never been compliers with the times, while they

were common priests; or slavish prostitute chaplains to some nobleman,

whose opinions they continued servilely to follow, after they were

admitted into that assembly?”

He then desired to know, “What arts were practised in electing those

whom I called commoners: whether a stranger, with a strong purse, might

not influence the vulgar voters to choose him before their own

landlord, or the most considerable gentleman in the neighbourhood? How

it came to pass, that people were so violently bent upon getting into

this assembly, which I allowed to be a great trouble and expense, often

to the ruin of their families, without any salary or pension? because

this appeared such an exalted strain of virtue and public spirit, that

his majesty seemed to doubt it might possibly not be always sincere.”

And he desired to know, “Whether such zealous gentlemen could have any

views of refunding themselves for the charges and trouble they were at

by sacrificing the public good to the designs of a weak and vicious

prince, in conjunction with a corrupted ministry?” He multiplied his

questions, and sifted me thoroughly upon every part of this head,

proposing numberless inquiries and objections, which I think it not

prudent or convenient to repeat.

Upon what I said in relation to our courts of justice, his majesty

desired to be satisfied in several points: and this I was the better

able to do, having been formerly almost ruined by a long suit in

chancery, which was decreed for me with costs. He asked, “What time was

usually spent in determining between right and wrong, and what degree

of expense? Whether advocates and orators had liberty to plead in

causes manifestly known to be unjust, vexatious, or oppressive? Whether

party, in religion or politics, were observed to be of any weight in

the scale of justice? Whether those pleading orators were persons

educated in the general knowledge of equity, or only in provincial,

national, and other local customs? Whether they or their judges had any