CHAPTER VI.

A continuation of the state of England under Queen Anne. The character

of a first minister of state in European courts.

My master was yet wholly at a loss to understand what motives could

incite this race of lawyers to perplex, disquiet, and weary themselves,

and engage in a confederacy of injustice, merely for the sake of

injuring their fellow-animals; neither could he comprehend what I meant

in saying, they did it for hire. Whereupon I was at much pains to

describe to him the use of money, the materials it was made of, and the

value of the metals; “that when a _Yahoo_ had got a great store of this

precious substance, he was able to purchase whatever he had a mind to;

the finest clothing, the noblest houses, great tracts of land, the most

costly meats and drinks, and have his choice of the most beautiful

females. Therefore since money alone was able to perform all these

feats, our _Yahoos_ thought they could never have enough of it to

spend, or to save, as they found themselves inclined, from their

natural bent either to profusion or avarice; that the rich man enjoyed

the fruit of the poor man’s labour, and the latter were a thousand to

one in proportion to the former; that the bulk of our people were

forced to live miserably, by labouring every day for small wages, to

make a few live plentifully.”

I enlarged myself much on these, and many other particulars to the same

purpose; but his honour was still to seek; for he went upon a

supposition, that all animals had a title to their share in the

productions of the earth, and especially those who presided over the

rest. Therefore he desired I would let him know, “what these costly

meats were, and how any of us happened to want them?” Whereupon I

enumerated as many sorts as came into my head, with the various methods

of dressing them, which could not be done without sending vessels by

sea to every part of the world, as well for liquors to drink as for

sauces and innumerable other conveniences. I assured him “that this

whole globe of earth must be at least three times gone round before one

of our better female _Yahoos_ could get her breakfast, or a cup to put

it in.” He said “that must needs be a miserable country which cannot

furnish food for its own inhabitants. But what he chiefly wondered at

was, how such vast tracts of ground as I described should be wholly

without fresh water, and the people put to the necessity of sending

over the sea for drink.” I replied “that England (the dear place of my

nativity) was computed to produce three times the quantity of food more

than its inhabitants are able to consume, as well as liquors extracted

from grain, or pressed out of the fruit of certain trees, which made

excellent drink, and the same proportion in every other convenience of

life. But, in order to feed the luxury and intemperance of the males,

and the vanity of the females, we sent away the greatest part of our

necessary things to other countries, whence, in return, we brought the

materials of diseases, folly, and vice, to spend among ourselves. Hence

it follows of necessity, that vast numbers of our people are compelled

to seek their livelihood by begging, robbing, stealing, cheating,

pimping, flattering, suborning, forswearing, forging, gaming, lying,

fawning, hectoring, voting, scribbling, star-gazing, poisoning,

whoring, canting, libelling, freethinking, and the like occupations:”

every one of which terms I was at much pains to make him understand.

“That wine was not imported among us from foreign countries to supply

the want of water or other drinks, but because it was a sort of liquid

which made us merry by putting us out of our senses, diverted all

melancholy thoughts, begat wild extravagant imaginations in the brain,

raised our hopes and banished our fears, suspended every office of

reason for a time, and deprived us of the use of our limbs, till we

fell into a profound sleep; although it must be confessed, that we

always awaked sick and dispirited; and that the use of this liquor

filled us with diseases which made our lives uncomfortable and short.

“But beside all this, the bulk of our people supported themselves by

furnishing the necessities or conveniences of life to the rich and to

each other. For instance, when I am at home, and dressed as I ought to

be, I carry on my body the workmanship of a hundred tradesmen; the

building and furniture of my house employ as many more, and five times

the number to adorn my wife.”

I was going on to tell him of another sort of people, who get their

livelihood by attending the sick, having, upon some occasions, informed

his honour that many of my crew had died of diseases. But here it was

with the utmost difficulty that I brought him to apprehend what I

meant. “He could easily conceive, that a _Houyhnhnm_, grew weak and

heavy a few days before his death, or by some accident might hurt a

limb; but that nature, who works all things to perfection, should

suffer any pains to breed in our bodies, he thought impossible, and

desired to know the reason of so unaccountable an evil.”

I told him “we fed on a thousand things which operated contrary to each

other; that we ate when we were not hungry, and drank without the

provocation of thirst; that we sat whole nights drinking strong

liquors, without eating a bit, which disposed us to sloth, inflamed our

bodies, and precipitated or prevented digestion; that prostitute female

_Yahoos_ acquired a certain malady, which bred rottenness in the bones

of those who fell into their embraces; that this, and many other

diseases, were propagated from father to son; so that great numbers

came into the world with complicated maladies upon them; that it would

be endless to give him a catalogue of all diseases incident to human

bodies, for they would not be fewer than five or six hundred, spread

over every limb and joint—in short, every part, external and intestine,

having diseases appropriated to itself. To remedy which, there was a

sort of people bred up among us in the profession, or pretence, of

curing the sick. And because I had some skill in the faculty, I would,

in gratitude to his honour, let him know the whole mystery and method

by which they proceed.

“Their fundamental is, that all diseases arise from repletion; whence

they conclude, that a great evacuation of the body is necessary, either

through the natural passage or upwards at the mouth. Their next

business is from herbs, minerals, gums, oils, shells, salts, juices,

sea-weed, excrements, barks of trees, serpents, toads, frogs, spiders,

dead men’s flesh and bones, birds, beasts, and fishes, to form a

composition, for smell and taste, the most abominable, nauseous, and

detestable, they can possibly contrive, which the stomach immediately

rejects with loathing, and this they call a vomit; or else, from the

same store-house, with some other poisonous additions, they command us

to take in at the orifice above or below (just as the physician then

happens to be disposed) a medicine equally annoying and disgustful to

the bowels; which, relaxing the belly, drives down all before it; and

this they call a purge, or a clyster. For nature (as the physicians

allege) having intended the superior anterior orifice only for the

intromission of solids and liquids, and the inferior posterior for

ejection, these artists ingeniously considering that in all diseases

nature is forced out of her seat, therefore, to replace her in it, the

body must be treated in a manner directly contrary, by interchanging

the use of each orifice; forcing solids and liquids in at the anus, and

making evacuations at the mouth.

“But, besides real diseases, we are subject to many that are only

imaginary, for which the physicians have invented imaginary cures;

these have their several names, and so have the drugs that are proper

for them; and with these our female _Yahoos_ are always infested.

“One great excellency in this tribe, is their skill at prognostics,

wherein they seldom fail; their predictions in real diseases, when they

rise to any degree of malignity, generally portending death, which is

always in their power, when recovery is not: and therefore, upon any

unexpected signs of amendment, after they have pronounced their

sentence, rather than be accused as false prophets, they know how to

approve their sagacity to the world, by a seasonable dose.

“They are likewise of special use to husbands and wives who are grown

weary of their mates; to eldest sons, to great ministers of state, and

often to princes.”

I had formerly, upon occasion, discoursed with my master upon the

nature of government in general, and particularly of our own excellent

constitution, deservedly the wonder and envy of the whole world. But

having here accidentally mentioned a minister of state, he commanded

me, some time after, to inform him, “what species of _Yahoo_ I

particularly meant by that appellation.”

I told him, “that a first or chief minister of state, who was the

person I intended to describe, was the creature wholly exempt from joy

and grief, love and hatred, pity and anger; at least, makes use of no

other passions, but a violent desire of wealth, power, and titles; that

he applies his words to all uses, except to the indication of his mind;

that he never tells a truth but with an intent that you should take it

for a lie; nor a lie, but with a design that you should take it for a

truth; that those he speaks worst of behind their backs are in the

surest way of preferment; and whenever he begins to praise you to

others, or to yourself, you are from that day forlorn. The worst mark

you can receive is a promise, especially when it is confirmed with an

oath; after which, every wise man retires, and gives over all hopes.

“There are three methods, by which a man may rise to be chief minister.

The first is, by knowing how, with prudence, to dispose of a wife, a

daughter, or a sister; the second, by betraying or undermining his

predecessor; and the third is, by a furious zeal, in public assemblies,

against the corruptions of the court. But a wise prince would rather

choose to employ those who practise the last of these methods; because

such zealots prove always the most obsequious and subservient to the

will and passions of their master. That these ministers, having all

employments at their disposal, preserve themselves in power, by bribing

the majority of a senate or great council; and at last, by an

expedient, called an act of indemnity” (whereof I described the nature

to him), “they secure themselves from after-reckonings, and retire from

the public laden with the spoils of the nation.

“The palace of a chief minister is a seminary to breed up others in his

own trade: the pages, lackeys, and porters, by imitating their master,

become ministers of state in their several districts, and learn to

excel in the three principal ingredients, of insolence, lying, and

bribery. Accordingly, they have a subaltern court paid to them by

persons of the best rank; and sometimes by the force of dexterity and

impudence, arrive, through several gradations, to be successors to

their lord.

“He is usually governed by a decayed wench, or favourite footman, who

are the tunnels through which all graces are conveyed, and may properly

be called, in the last resort, the governors of the kingdom.”

One day, in discourse, my master, having heard me mention the nobility

of my country, was pleased to make me a compliment which I could not

pretend to deserve: “that he was sure I must have been born of some

noble family, because I far exceeded in shape, colour, and cleanliness,

all the _Yahoos_ of his nation, although I seemed to fail in strength

and agility, which must be imputed to my different way of living from

those other brutes; and besides I was not only endowed with the faculty

of speech, but likewise with some rudiments of reason, to a degree

that, with all his acquaintance, I passed for a prodigy.”

He made me observe, “that among the _Houyhnhnms_, the white, the

sorrel, and the iron-gray, were not so exactly shaped as the bay, the

dapple-gray, and the black; nor born with equal talents of mind, or a

capacity to improve them; and therefore continued always in the

condition of servants, without ever aspiring to match out of their own

race, which in that country would be reckoned monstrous and unnatural.”

I made his honour my most humble acknowledgments for the good opinion

he was pleased to conceive of me, but assured him at the same time,

“that my birth was of the lower sort, having been born of plain honest

parents, who were just able to give me a tolerable education; that

nobility, among us, was altogether a different thing from the idea he

had of it; that our young noblemen are bred from their childhood in

idleness and luxury; that, as soon as years will permit, they consume

their vigour, and contract odious diseases among lewd females; and when

their fortunes are almost ruined, they marry some woman of mean birth,

disagreeable person, and unsound constitution (merely for the sake of

money), whom they hate and despise. That the productions of such

marriages are generally scrofulous, rickety, or deformed children; by

which means the family seldom continues above three generations, unless

the wife takes care to provide a healthy father, among her neighbours

or domestics, in order to improve and continue the breed. That a weak

diseased body, a meagre countenance, and sallow complexion, are the

true marks of noble blood; and a healthy robust appearance is so

disgraceful in a man of quality, that the world concludes his real

father to have been a groom or a coachman. The imperfections of his

mind run parallel with those of his body, being a composition of

spleen, dullness, ignorance, caprice, sensuality, and pride.

“Without the consent of this illustrious body, no law can be enacted,

repealed, or altered: and these nobles have likewise the decision of

all our possessions, without appeal.” [514]