Chapter iii.

The arrival of Mr Jones with his lady at the inn; with a very full

description of the battle of Upton.

Though the reader, we doubt not, is very eager to know who this lady

was, and how she fell into the hands of Mr Northerton, we must beg him

to suspend his curiosity for a short time, as we are obliged, for some

very good reasons which hereafter perhaps he may guess, to delay his

satisfaction a little longer.

Mr Jones and his fair companion no sooner entered the town, than they

went directly to that inn which in their eyes presented the fairest

appearance to the street. Here Jones, having ordered a servant to show

a room above stairs, was ascending, when the dishevelled fair, hastily

following, was laid hold on by the master of the house, who cried,

“Heyday, where is that beggar wench going? Stay below stairs, I desire

you.” But Jones at that instant thundered from above, “Let the lady

come up,” in so authoritative a voice, that the good man instantly

withdrew his hands, and the lady made the best of her way to the

chamber.

Here Jones wished her joy of her safe arrival, and then departed, in

order, as he promised, to send the landlady up with some cloaths. The

poor woman thanked him heartily for all his kindness, and said, she

hoped she should see him again soon, to thank him a thousand times

more. During this short conversation, she covered her white bosom as

well as she could possibly with her arms; for Jones could not avoid

stealing a sly peep or two, though he took all imaginable care to

avoid giving any offence.

Our travellers had happened to take up their residence at a house of

exceeding good repute, whither Irish ladies of strict virtue, and many

northern lasses of the same predicament, were accustomed to resort in

their way to Bath. The landlady therefore would by no means have

admitted any conversation of a disreputable kind to pass under her

roof. Indeed, so foul and contagious are all such proceedings, that

they contaminate the very innocent scenes where they are committed,

and give the name of a bad house, or of a house of ill repute, to all

those where they are suffered to be carried on.

Not that I would intimate that such strict chastity as was preserved

in the temple of Vesta can possibly be maintained at a public inn. My

good landlady did not hope for such a blessing, nor would any of the

ladies I have spoken of, or indeed any others of the most rigid note,

have expected or insisted on any such thing. But to exclude all vulgar

concubinage, and to drive all whores in rags from within the walls, is

within the power of every one. This my landlady very strictly adhered

to, and this her virtuous guests, who did not travel in rags, would

very reasonably have expected of her.

Now it required no very blameable degree of suspicion to imagine that

Mr Jones and his ragged companion had certain purposes in their

intention, which, though tolerated in some Christian countries,

connived at in others, and practised in all, are however as expressly

forbidden as murder, or any other horrid vice, by that religion which

is universally believed in those countries. The landlady, therefore,

had no sooner received an intimation of the entrance of the above-said

persons than she began to meditate the most expeditious means for

their expulsion. In order to this, she had provided herself with a

long and deadly instrument, with which, in times of peace, the

chambermaid was wont to demolish the labours of the industrious

spider. In vulgar phrase, she had taken up the broomstick, and was

just about to sally from the kitchen, when Jones accosted her with a

demand of a gown and other vestments, to cover the half-naked woman

upstairs.

Nothing can be more provoking to the human temper, nor more dangerous

to that cardinal virtue, patience, than solicitations of extraordinary

offices of kindness on behalf of those very persons with whom we are

highly incensed. For this reason Shakespear hath artfully introduced

his Desdemona soliciting favours for Cassio of her husband, as the

means of inflaming, not only his jealousy, but his rage, to the

highest pitch of madness; and we find the unfortunate Moor less able

to command his passion on this occasion, than even when he beheld his

valued present to his wife in the hands of his supposed rival. In

fact, we regard these efforts as insults on our understanding, and to

such the pride of man is very difficultly brought to submit.

My landlady, though a very good-tempered woman, had, I suppose, some

of this pride in her composition, for Jones had scarce ended his

request, when she fell upon him with a certain weapon, which, though

it be neither long, nor sharp, nor hard, nor indeed threatens from its

appearance with either death or wound, hath been however held in great

dread and abhorrence by many wise men--nay, by many brave ones;

insomuch, that some who have dared to look into the mouth of a loaded

cannon, have not dared to look into a mouth where this weapon was

brandished; and rather than run the hazard of its execution, have

contented themselves with making a most pitiful and sneaking figure in

the eyes of all their acquaintance.

To confess the truth, I am afraid Mr Jones was one of these; for

though he was attacked and violently belaboured with the aforesaid

weapon, he could not be provoked to make any resistance; but in a most

cowardly manner applied, with many entreaties, to his antagonist to

desist from pursuing her blows; in plain English, he only begged her

with the utmost earnestness to hear him; but before he could obtain

his request, my landlord himself entered into the fray, and embraced

that side of the cause which seemed to stand very little in need of

assistance.

There are a sort of heroes who are supposed to be determined in their

chusing or avoiding a conflict by the character and behaviour of the

person whom they are to engage. These are said to know their men, and

Jones, I believe, knew his woman; for though he had been so submissive

to her, he was no sooner attacked by her husband, than he demonstrated

an immediate spirit of resentment, and enjoined him silence under a

very severe penalty; no less than that, I think, of being converted

into fuel for his own fire.

The husband, with great indignation, but with a mixture of pity,

answered, “You must pray first to be made able. I believe I am a

better man than yourself; ay, every way, that I am;” and presently

proceeded to discharge half-a-dozen whores at the lady above stairs,

the last of which had scarce issued from his lips, when a swinging

blow from the cudgel that Jones carried in his hand assaulted him over

the shoulders.

It is a question whether the landlord or the landlady was the most

expeditious in returning this blow. My landlord, whose hands were

empty, fell to with his fist, and the good wife, uplifting her broom

and aiming at the head of Jones, had probably put an immediate end to

the fray, and to Jones likewise, had not the descent of this broom

been prevented--not by the miraculous intervention of any heathen

deity, but by a very natural though fortunate accident, viz., by the

arrival of Partridge; who entered the house at that instant (for fear

had caused him to run every step from the hill), and who, seeing the

danger which threatened his master or companion (which you chuse to

call him), prevented so sad a catastrophe, by catching hold of the

landlady's arm, as it was brandished aloft in the air.

The landlady soon perceived the impediment which prevented her blow;

and being unable to rescue her arm from the hands of Partridge, she

let fall the broom; and then leaving Jones to the discipline of her

husband, she fell with the utmost fury on that poor fellow, who had

already given some intimation of himself, by crying, “Zounds! do you

intend to kill my friend?”

Partridge, though not much addicted to battle, would not however stand

still when his friend was attacked; nor was he much displeased with

that part of the combat which fell to his share; he therefore returned

my landlady's blows as soon as he received them: and now the fight was

obstinately maintained on all parts, and it seemed doubtful to which

side Fortune would incline, when the naked lady, who had listened at

the top of the stairs to the dialogue which preceded the engagement,

descended suddenly from above, and without weighing the unfair

inequality of two to one, fell upon the poor woman who was boxing with

Partridge; nor did that great champion desist, but rather redoubled

his fury, when he found fresh succours were arrived to his assistance.

Victory must now have fallen to the side of the travellers (for the

bravest troops must yield to numbers) had not Susan the chambermaid

come luckily to support her mistress. This Susan was as two-handed a

wench (according to the phrase) as any in the country, and would, I

believe, have beat the famed Thalestris herself, or any of her subject

Amazons; for her form was robust and man-like, and every way made for

such encounters. As her hands and arms were formed to give blows with

great mischief to an enemy, so was her face as well contrived to

receive blows without any great injury to herself, her nose being

already flat to her face; her lips were so large, that no swelling

could be perceived in them, and moreover they were so hard, that a

fist could hardly make any impression on them. Lastly, her cheek-bones

stood out, as if nature had intended them for two bastions to defend

her eyes in those encounters for which she seemed so well calculated,

and to which she was most wonderfully well inclined.

This fair creature entering the field of battle, immediately filed to

that wing where her mistress maintained so unequal a fight with one of

either sex. Here she presently challenged Partridge to single combat.

He accepted the challenge, and a most desperate fight began between

them.

Now the dogs of war being let loose, began to lick their bloody lips;

now Victory, with golden wings, hung hovering in the air; now Fortune,

taking her scales from her shelf, began to weigh the fates of Tom

Jones, his female companion, and Partridge, against the landlord, his

wife, and maid; all which hung in exact balance before her; when a

good-natured accident put suddenly an end to the bloody fray, with

which half of the combatants had already sufficiently feasted. This

accident was the arrival of a coach and four; upon which my landlord

and landlady immediately desisted from fighting, and at their entreaty

obtained the same favour of their antagonists: but Susan was not so

kind to Partridge; for that Amazonian fair having overthrown and

bestrid her enemy, was now cuffing him lustily with both her hands,

without any regard to his request of a cessation of arms, or to those

loud exclamations of murder which he roared forth.

No sooner, however, had Jones quitted the landlord, than he flew to

the rescue of his defeated companion, from whom he with much

difficulty drew off the enraged chambermaid: but Partridge was not

immediately sensible of his deliverance, for he still lay flat on the

floor, guarding his face with his hands; nor did he cease roaring till

Jones had forced him to look up, and to perceive that the battle was

at an end.

The landlord, who had no visible hurt, and the landlady, hiding her

well-scratched face with her handkerchief, ran both hastily to the

door to attend the coach, from which a young lady and her maid now

alighted. These the landlady presently ushered into that room where Mr

Jones had at first deposited his fair prize, as it was the best

apartment in the house. Hither they were obliged to pass through the

field of battle, which they did with the utmost haste, covering their

faces with their handkerchiefs, as desirous to avoid the notice of any

one. Indeed their caution was quite unnecessary; for the poor

unfortunate Helen, the fatal cause of all the bloodshed, was entirely

taken up in endeavouring to conceal her own face, and Jones was no

less occupied in rescuing Partridge from the fury of Susan; which

being happily effected, the poor fellow immediately departed to the

pump to wash his face, and to stop that bloody torrent which Susan had

plentifully set a-flowing from his nostrils.