Chapter iii.

The arrival of Mr Western, with some matters concerning the paternal

authority.

Mrs Miller had not long left the room when Mr Western entered; but not

before a small wrangling bout had passed between him and his chairmen;

for the fellows, who had taken up their burden at the Hercules

Pillars, had conceived no hopes of having any future good customer in

the squire; and they were moreover farther encouraged by his

generosity (for he had given them of his own accord sixpence more than

their fare); they therefore very boldly demanded another shilling,

which so provoked the squire, that he not only bestowed many hearty

curses on them at the door, but retained his anger after he came into

the room; swearing that all the Londoners were like the court, and

thought of nothing but plundering country gentlemen. “D--n me,” says

he, “if I won't walk in the rain rather than get into one of their

hand-barrows again. They have jolted me more in a mile than Brown Bess

would in a long fox-chase.”

When his wrath on this occasion was a little appeased, he resumed the

same passionate tone on another. “There,” says he, “there is fine

business forwards now. The hounds have changed at last; and when we

imagined we had a fox to deal with, od-rat it, it turns out to be a

badger at last!”

“Pray, my good neighbour,” said Allworthy, “drop your metaphors, and

speak a little plainer.” “Why, then,” says the squire, “to tell you

plainly, we have been all this time afraid of a son of a whore of a

bastard of somebody's, I don't know whose, not I. And now here's a

confounded son of a whore of a lord, who may be a bastard too for what

I know or care, for he shall never have a daughter of mine by my

consent. They have beggared the nation, but they shall never beggar

me. My land shall never be sent over to Hanover.”

“You surprize me much, my good friend,” said Allworthy. “Why, zounds!

I am surprized myself,” answered the squire. “I went to zee sister

Western last night, according to her own appointment, and there I was

had into a whole room full of women. There was my lady cousin

Bellaston, and my Lady Betty, and my Lady Catherine, and my lady I

don't know who; d--n me, if ever you catch me among such a kennel of

hoop-petticoat b--s! D--n me, I'd rather be run by my own dogs, as one

Acton was, that the story-book says was turned into a hare, and his

own dogs killed un and eat un. Od-rabbit it, no mortal was ever run in

such a manner; if I dodged one way, one had me; if I offered to clap

back, another snapped me. `O! certainly one of the greatest matches in

England,' says one cousin (here he attempted to mimic them); `A very

advantageous offer indeed,' cries another cousin (for you must know

they be all my cousins, thof I never zeed half o' um before).

`Surely,' says that fat a--se b--, my Lady Bellaston, `cousin, you

must be out of your wits to think of refusing such an offer.'”

“Now I begin to understand,” says Allworthy; “some person hath made

proposals to Miss Western, which the ladies of the family approve, but

is not to your liking.”

“My liking!” said Western, “how the devil should it? I tell you it is

a lord, and those are always volks whom you know I always resolved to

have nothing to do with. Did unt I refuse a matter of vorty years'

purchase now for a bit of land, which one o' um had a mind to put into

a park, only because I would have no dealings with lords, and dost

think I would marry my daughter zu? Besides, ben't I engaged to you,

and did I ever go off any bargain when I had promised?”

“As to that point, neighbour,” said Allworthy, “I entirely release you

from any engagement. No contract can be binding between parties who

have not a full power to make it at the time, nor ever afterwards

acquire the power of fulfilling it.”

“Slud! then,” answered Western, “I tell you I have power, and I will

fulfil it. Come along with me directly to Doctors' Commons, I will get

a licence; and I will go to sister and take away the wench by force,

and she shall ha un, or I will lock her up, and keep her upon bread

and water as long as she lives.”

“Mr Western,” said Allworthy, “shall I beg you will hear my full

sentiments on this matter?”--“Hear thee; ay, to be sure I will,”

answered he. “Why, then, sir,” cries Allworthy, “I can truly say,

without a compliment either to you or the young lady, that when this

match was proposed, I embraced it very readily and heartily, from my

regard to you both. An alliance between two families so nearly

neighbours, and between whom there had always existed so mutual an

intercourse and good harmony, I thought a most desirable event; and

with regard to the young lady, not only the concurrent opinion of all

who knew her, but my own observation assured me that she would be an

inestimable treasure to a good husband. I shall say nothing of her

personal qualifications, which certainly are admirable; her good

nature, her charitable disposition, her modesty, are too well known to

need any panegyric: but she hath one quality which existed in a high

degree in that best of women, who is now one of the first of angels,

which, as it is not of a glaring kind, more commonly escapes

observation; so little indeed is it remarked, that I want a word to

express it. I must use negatives on this occasion. I never heard

anything of pertness, or what is called repartee, out of her mouth; no

pretence to wit, much less to that kind of wisdom which is the result

only of great learning and experience, the affectation of which, in a

young woman, is as absurd as any of the affectations of an ape. No

dictatorial sentiments, no judicial opinions, no profound criticisms.

Whenever I have seen her in the company of men, she hath been all

attention, with the modesty of a learner, not the forwardness of a

teacher. You'll pardon me for it, but I once, to try her only, desired

her opinion on a point which was controverted between Mr Thwackum and

Mr Square. To which she answered, with much sweetness, `You will

pardon me, good Mr Allworthy; I am sure you cannot in earnest think me

capable of deciding any point in which two such gentlemen disagree.'

Thwackum and Square, who both alike thought themselves sure of a

favourable decision, seconded my request. She answered with the same

good humour, `I must absolutely be excused: for I will affront neither

so much as to give my judgment on his side.' Indeed, she always shewed

the highest deference to the understandings of men; a quality

absolutely essential to the making a good wife. I shall only add, that

as she is most apparently void of all affectation, this deference must

be certainly real.”

Here Blifil sighed bitterly; upon which Western, whose eyes were full

of tears at the praise of Sophia, blubbered out, “Don't be

chicken-hearted, for shat ha her, d--n me, shat ha her, if she was

twenty times as good.”

“Remember your promise, sir,” cried Allworthy, “I was not to be

interrupted.” “Well, shat unt,” answered the squire; “I won't speak

another word.”

“Now, my good friend,” continued Allworthy, “I have dwelt so long on

the merit of this young lady, partly as I really am in love with her

character, and partly that fortune (for the match in that light is

really advantageous on my nephew's side) might not be imagined to be

my principal view in having so eagerly embraced the proposal. Indeed,

I heartily wished to receive so great a jewel into my family; but

though I may wish for many good things, I would not, therefore, steal

them, or be guilty of any violence or injustice to possess myself of

them. Now to force a woman into a marriage contrary to her consent or

approbation, is an act of such injustice and oppression, that I wish

the laws of our country could restrain it; but a good conscience is

never lawless in the worst regulated state, and will provide those

laws for itself, which the neglect of legislators hath forgotten to

supply. This is surely a case of that kind; for, is it not cruel, nay,

impious, to force a woman into that state against her will; for her

behaviour in which she is to be accountable to the highest and most

dreadful court of judicature, and to answer at the peril of her soul?

To discharge the matrimonial duties in an adequate manner is no easy

task; and shall we lay this burthen upon a woman, while we at the same

time deprive her of all that assistance which may enable her to

undergo it? Shall we tear her very heart from her, while we enjoin her

duties to which a whole heart is scarce equal? I must speak very

plainly here. I think parents who act in this manner are accessories

to all the guilt which their children afterwards incur, and of course

must, before a just judge, expect to partake of their punishment; but

if they could avoid this, good heaven! is there a soul who can bear

the thought of having contributed to the damnation of his child?

“For these reasons, my best neighbour, as I see the inclinations of

this young lady are most unhappily averse to my nephew, I must decline

any further thoughts of the honour you intended him, though I assure

you I shall always retain the most grateful sense of it.”

“Well, sir,” said Western (the froth bursting forth from his lips the

moment they were uncorked), “you cannot say but I have heard you out,

and now I expect you'll hear me; and if I don't answer every word

on't, why then I'll consent to gee the matter up. First then, I

desire you to answer me one question--Did not I beget her? did not I

beget her? answer me that. They say, indeed, it is a wise father that

knows his own child; but I am sure I have the best title to her, for

I bred her up. But I believe you will allow me to be her father, and

if I be, am I not to govern my own child? I ask you that, am I not to

govern my own child? and if I am to govern her in other matters,

surely I am to govern her in this, which concerns her most. And what

am I desiring all this while? Am I desiring her to do anything for

me? to give me anything?--Zu much on t'other side, that I am only

desiring her to take away half my estate now, and t'other half when I

die. Well, and what is it all vor? Why, is unt it to make her happy?

It's enough to make one mad to hear volks talk; if I was going to

marry myself, then she would ha reason to cry and to blubber; but, on

the contrary, han't I offered to bind down my land in such a manner,

that I could not marry if I would, seeing as narro' woman upon earth

would ha me. What the devil in hell can I do more? I contribute to

her damnation!--Zounds! I'd zee all the world d--n'd bevore her

little vinger should be hurt. Indeed, Mr Allworthy, you must excuse

me, but I am surprized to hear you talk in zuch a manner, and I must

say, take it how you will, that I thought you had more sense.”

Allworthy resented this reflection only with a smile; nor could he, if

he would have endeavoured it, have conveyed into that smile any

mixture of malice or contempt. His smiles at folly were indeed such as

we may suppose the angels bestow on the absurdities of mankind.

Blifil now desired to be permitted to speak a few words. “As to using

any violence on the young lady, I am sure I shall never consent to it.

My conscience will not permit me to use violence on any one, much less

on a lady for whom, however cruel she is to me, I shall always

preserve the purest and sincerest affection; but yet I have read that

women are seldom proof against perseverance. Why may I not hope then

by such perseverance at last to gain those inclinations, in which for

the future I shall, perhaps, have no rival; for as for this lord, Mr

Western is so kind to prefer me to him; and sure, sir, you will not

deny but that a parent hath at least a negative voice in these

matters; nay, I have heard this very young lady herself say so more

than once, and declare that she thought children inexcusable who

married in direct opposition to the will of their parents. Besides,

though the other ladies of the family seem to favour the pretensions

of my lord, I do not find the lady herself is inclined to give him any

countenance; alas! I am too well assured she is not; I am too sensible

that wickedest of men remains uppermost in her heart.”

“Ay, ay, so he does,” cries Western.

“But surely,” says Blifil, “when she hears of this murder which he

hath committed, if the law should spare his life----”

“What's that?” cries Western. “Murder! hath he committed a murder, and

is there any hopes of seeing him hanged?--Tol de rol, tol lol de rol.”

Here he fell a singing and capering about the room.

“Child,” says Allworthy, “this unhappy passion of yours distresses me

beyond measure. I heartily pity you, and would do every fair thing to

promote your success.”

“I desire no more,” cries Blifil; “I am convinced my dear uncle hath a

better opinion of me than to think that I myself would accept of

more.”

“Lookee,” says Allworthy, “you have my leave to write, to visit, if

she will permit it--but I insist on no thoughts of violence. I will

have no confinement, nothing of that kind attempted.”

“Well, well,” cries the squire, “nothing of that kind shall be

attempted; we will try a little longer what fair means will effect;

and if this fellow be but hanged out of the way--Tol lol de rol! I

never heard better news in my life--I warrant everything goes to my

mind.--Do, prithee, dear Allworthy, come and dine with me at the

Hercules Pillars: I have bespoke a shoulder of mutton roasted, and a

spare-rib of pork, and a fowl and egg-sauce. There will be nobody but

ourselves, unless we have a mind to have the landlord; for I have sent

Parson Supple down to Basingstoke after my tobacco-box, which I left

at an inn there, and I would not lose it for the world; for it is an

old acquaintance of above twenty years' standing. I can tell you

landlord is a vast comical bitch, you will like un hugely.”

Mr Allworthy at last agreed to this invitation, and soon after the

squire went off, singing and capering at the hopes of seeing the

speedy tragical end of poor Jones.

When he was gone, Mr Allworthy resumed the aforesaid subject with much

gravity. He told his nephew, “He wished with all his heart he would

endeavour to conquer a passion, in which I cannot,” says he, “flatter

you with any hopes of succeeding. It is certainly a vulgar error, that

aversion in a woman may be conquered by perseverance. Indifference

may, perhaps, sometimes yield to it; but the usual triumphs gained by

perseverance in a lover are over caprice, prudence, affectation, and

often an exorbitant degree of levity, which excites women not

over-warm in their constitutions to indulge their vanity by prolonging

the time of courtship, even when they are well enough pleased with the

object, and resolve (if they ever resolve at all) to make him a very

pitiful amends in the end. But a fixed dislike, as I am afraid this

is, will rather gather strength than be conquered by time. Besides, my

dear, I have another apprehension which you must excuse. I am afraid

this passion which you have for this fine young creature hath her

beautiful person too much for its object, and is unworthy of the name

of that love which is the only foundation of matrimonial felicity. To

admire, to like, and to long for the possession of a beautiful woman,

without any regard to her sentiments towards us, is, I am afraid, too

natural; but love, I believe, is the child of love only; at least, I

am pretty confident that to love the creature who we are assured hates

us is not in human nature. Examine your heart, therefore, thoroughly,

my good boy, and if, upon examination, you have but the least

suspicion of this kind, I am sure your own virtue and religion will

impel you to drive so vicious a passion from your heart, and your good

sense will soon enable you to do it without pain.”

The reader may pretty well guess Blifil's answer; but, if he should be

at a loss, we are not at present at leisure to satisfy him, as our

history now hastens on to matters of higher importance, and we can no

longer bear to be absent from Sophia.