Chapter xi.

In which a simile in Mr Pope's period of a mile introduces as bloody a

battle as can possibly be fought without the assistance of steel or

cold iron.

As in the season of _rutting_ (an uncouth phrase, by which the vulgar

denote that gentle dalliance, which in the well-wooded[*] forest of

Hampshire, passes between lovers of the ferine kind), if, while the

lofty-crested stag meditates the amorous sport, a couple of puppies,

or any other beasts of hostile note, should wander so near the temple

of Venus Ferina that the fair hind should shrink from the place,

touched with that somewhat, either of fear or frolic, of nicety or

skittishness, with which nature hath bedecked all females, or hath at

least instructed them how to put it on; lest, through the indelicacy

of males, the Samean mysteries should be pryed into by unhallowed

eyes: for, at the celebration of these rites, the female priestess

cries out with her in Virgil (who was then, probably, hard at work on

such celebration),

_--Procul, o procul este, profani;

Proclamat vates, totoque absistite luco._

--Far hence be souls profane,

The sibyl cry'd, and from the grove abstain.--DRYDEN.

[*] This is an ambiguous phrase, and may mean either a forest well

cloathed with wood, or well stript of it.

If, I say, while these sacred rites, which are in common to _genus

omne animantium,_ are in agitation between the stag and his mistress,

any hostile beasts should venture too near, on the first hint given by

the frighted hind, fierce and tremendous rushes forth the stag to the

entrance of the thicket; there stands he centinel over his love,

stamps the ground with his foot, and with his horns brandished aloft

in air, proudly provokes the apprehended foe to combat.

Thus, and more terrible, when he perceived the enemy's approach,

leaped forth our heroe. Many a step advanced he forwards, in order to

conceal the trembling hind, and, if possible, to secure her retreat.

And now Thwackum, having first darted some livid lightning from his

fiery eyes, began to thunder forth, “Fie upon it! Fie upon it! Mr

Jones. Is it possible you should be the person?”--“You see,” answered

Jones, “it is possible I should be here.”--“And who,” said Thwackum,

“is that wicked slut with you?”--“If I have any wicked slut with me,”

cries Jones, “it is possible I shall not let you know who she is.”--“I

command you to tell me immediately,” says Thwackum: “and I would not

have you imagine, young man, that your age, though it hath somewhat

abridged the purpose of tuition, hath totally taken away the authority

of the master. The relation of the master and scholar is indelible;

as, indeed, all other relations are; for they all derive their

original from heaven. I would have you think yourself, therefore, as

much obliged to obey me now, as when I taught you your first

rudiments.”--“I believe you would,” cries Jones; “but that will not

happen, unless you had the same birchen argument to convince

me.”--“Then I must tell you plainly,” said Thwackum, “I am resolved to

discover the wicked wretch.”--“And I must tell you plainly,” returned

Jones, “I am resolved you shall not.” Thwackum then offered to

advance, and Jones laid hold of his arms; which Mr Blifil endeavoured

to rescue, declaring, “he would not see his old master insulted.”

Jones now finding himself engaged with two, thought it necessary to

rid himself of one of his antagonists as soon as possible. He

therefore applied to the weakest first; and, letting the parson go, he

directed a blow at the young squire's breast, which luckily taking

place, reduced him to measure his length on the ground.

Thwackum was so intent on the discovery, that, the moment he found

himself at liberty, he stept forward directly into the fern, without

any great consideration of what might in the meantime befal his

friend; but he had advanced a very few paces into the thicket, before

Jones, having defeated Blifil, overtook the parson, and dragged him

backward by the skirt of his coat.

This parson had been a champion in his youth, and had won much honour

by his fist, both at school and at the university. He had now indeed,

for a great number of years, declined the practice of that noble art;

yet was his courage full as strong as his faith, and his body no less

strong than either. He was moreover, as the reader may perhaps have

conceived, somewhat irascible in his nature. When he looked back,

therefore, and saw his friend stretched out on the ground, and found

himself at the same time so roughly handled by one who had formerly

been only passive in all conflicts between them (a circumstance which

highly aggravated the whole), his patience at length gave way; he

threw himself into a posture of offence; and collecting all his force,

attacked Jones in the front with as much impetuosity as he had

formerly attacked him in the rear.

Our heroe received the enemy's attack with the most undaunted

intrepidity, and his bosom resounded with the blow. This he presently

returned with no less violence, aiming likewise at the parson's

breast; but he dexterously drove down the fist of Jones, so that it

reached only his belly, where two pounds of beef and as many of

pudding were then deposited, and whence consequently no hollow sound

could proceed. Many lusty blows, much more pleasant as well as easy to

have seen, than to read or describe, were given on both sides: at last

a violent fall, in which Jones had thrown his knees into Thwackum's

breast, so weakened the latter, that victory had been no longer

dubious, had not Blifil, who had now recovered his strength, again

renewed the fight, and by engaging with Jones, given the parson a

moment's time to shake his ears, and to regain his breath.

And now both together attacked our heroe, whose blows did not retain

that force with which they had fallen at first, so weakened was he by

his combat with Thwackum; for though the pedagogue chose rather to

play _solos_ on the human instrument, and had been lately used to

those only, yet he still retained enough of his antient knowledge to

perform his part very well in a _duet_.

The victory, according to modern custom, was like to be decided by

numbers, when, on a sudden, a fourth pair of fists appeared in the

battle, and immediately paid their compliments to the parson; and the

owner of them at the same time crying out, “Are not you ashamed, and

be d--n'd to you, to fall two of you upon one?”

The battle, which was of the kind that for distinction's sake is

called royal, now raged with the utmost violence during a few minutes;

till Blifil being a second time laid sprawling by Jones, Thwackum

condescended to apply for quarter to his new antagonist, who was now

found to be Mr Western himself; for in the heat of the action none of

the combatants had recognized him.

In fact, that honest squire, happening, in his afternoon's walk with

some company, to pass through the field where the bloody battle was

fought, and having concluded, from seeing three men engaged, that two

of them must be on a side, he hastened from his companions, and with

more gallantry than policy, espoused the cause of the weaker party. By

which generous proceeding he very probably prevented Mr Jones from

becoming a victim to the wrath of Thwackum, and to the pious

friendship which Blifil bore his old master; for, besides the

disadvantage of such odds, Jones had not yet sufficiently recovered

the former strength of his broken arm. This reinforcement, however,

soon put an end to the action, and Jones with his ally obtained the

victory.