CHAPTER VI.

Bad events peep out o' the tail of good purposes.--Bartholomew Fair.

IT was not long before there was a visible improvement in the pages

of “The Asinaeum.” The slashing part of that incomparable journal

was suddenly conceived and carried on with a vigour and spirit which

astonished the hallowed few who contributed to its circulation. It

was not difficult to see that a new soldier had been enlisted in the

service; there was something so fresh and hearty about the abuse that it

could never have proceeded from the worn-out acerbity of an old slasher.

To be sure, a little ignorance of ordinary facts, and an innovating

method of applying words to meanings which they never were meant to

denote, were now and then distinguishable in the criticisms of the new

Achilles; nevertheless, it was easy to attribute these peculiarities

to an original turn of thinking; and the rise of the paper on the

appearance of a series of articles upon contemporary authors, written

by this “eminent hand,” was so remarkable that fifty copies--a number

perfectly unprecedented in the annals of “The Asinaeum”--were absolutely

sold in one week; indeed, remembering the principle on which it was

founded, one sturdy old writer declared that the journal would soon do

for itself and become popular. There was a remarkable peculiarity about

the literary debutant who signed himself “Nobilitas:” he not only put

old words to a new sense, but he used words which had never, among the

general run of writers, been used before. This was especially remarkable

in the application of hard names to authors. Once, in censuring a

popular writer for pleasing the public and thereby growing rich, the

“eminent hand” ended with “He who surreptitiously accumulates bustle

[money] is, in fact, nothing better than a buzz gloak!” [Pickpocket].

These enigmatical words and recondite phrases imparted a great air of

learning to the style of the new critic; and from the unintelligible

sublimity of his diction, it seemed doubtful whether he was a poet from

Highgate or a philosopher from Konigsberg. At all events, the reviewer

preserved his incognito, and while his praises were rung at no less

than three tea-tables, even glory appeared to him less delicious than

disguise.

In this incognito, reader, thou hast already discovered Paul; and now

we have to delight thee with a piece of unexampled morality in the

excellent MacGrawler. That worthy Mentor, perceiving that there was an

inherent turn for dissipation and extravagance in our hero, resolved

magnanimously rather to bring upon himself the sins of treachery and

malappropriation than suffer his friend and former pupil to incur those

of wastefulness and profusion. Contrary therefore to the agreement

made with Paul, instead of giving that youth the half of those profits

consequent on his brilliant lucubrations, he imparted to him only one

fourth, and, with the utmost tenderness for Paul's salvation, applied

the other three portions of the same to his own necessities. The best

actions are, alas! often misconstrued in this world; and we are now

about to record a remarkable instance of that melancholy truth.

One evening MacGrawler, having “moistened his virtue” in the same manner

that the great Cato is said to have done, in the confusion which such a

process sometimes occasions in the best regulated heads, gave Paul what

appeared to him the outline of a certain article which he wished to be

slashingly filled up, but what in reality was the following note from

the editor of a monthly periodical:--

SIR,--Understanding that my friend, Mr.---, proprietor of “The

Asinaeum,” allows the very distinguished writer whom you have introduced

to the literary world, and who signs himself “Nobilitas,” only five

shillings an article, I beg, through you, to tender him double that sum.

The article required will be of an ordinary length.

I am, sir, etc.,

Now, that very morning, MacGrawler had informed Paul of this offer,

altering only, from the amiable motives we have already explained, the

sum of ten shillings to that of four; and no sooner did Paul read

the communication we have placed before the reader than, instead

of gratitude to MacGrawler for his consideration of Paul's moral

infirmities, he conceived against that gentleman the most bitter

resentment. He did not, however, vent his feelings at once upon the

Scotsman,--indeed, at that moment, as the sage was in a deep sleep

under the table, it would have been to no purpose had he unbridled his

indignation,--but he resolved without loss of time to quit the abode of

the critic. “And, indeed,” said he, soliloquizing, “I am heartily tired

of this life, and shall be very glad to seek some other employment.

Fortunately, I have hoarded up five guineas and four shillings; and with

that independence in my possession, since I have forsworn gambling, I

cannot easily starve.”

To this soliloquy succeeded a misanthropical revery upon the

faithlessness of friends; and the meditation ended in Paul's making up a

little bundle of such clothes, etc., as Dummie had succeeded in removing

from the Mug, and which Paul had taken from the rag-merchant's abode one

morning when Dummie was abroad.

When this easy task was concluded, Paul wrote a short and upbraiding

note to his illustrious preceptor, and left it unsealed on the table.

He then, upsetting the ink-bottle on MacGrawler's sleeping countenance,

departed from the house, and strolled away he cared not whither.

The evening was gradually closing as Paul, chewing the cud of his bitter

fancies, found himself on London Bridge. He paused there, and leaning

over the bridge, gazed wistfully on the gloomy waters that rolled

onward, caring not a minnow for the numerous charming young ladies

who have thought proper to drown themselves in those merciless waves,

thereby depriving many a good mistress of an excellent housemaid or an

invaluable cook, and many a treacherous Phaon of letters beginning with

“Parjured Villen,” and ending with “Your affectionot but melancholy

Molly.”

While thus musing, he was suddenly accosted by a gentleman in boots and

spurs, having a riding-whip in one hand, and the other hand stuck in the

pocket of his inexpressibles. The hat of the gallant was gracefully and

carefully put on, so as to derange as little as possible a profusion of

dark curls, which, streaming with unguents, fell low not only on either

side of the face, but on the neck and even the shoulders of the owner.

The face was saturnine and strongly marked, but handsome and

striking. There was a mixture of frippery and sternness in its

expression,--something between Madame Vestries and T. P. Cooke, or

between “lovely Sally” and a “Captain bold of Halifax.” The stature of

this personage was remarkably tall, and his figure was stout, muscular,

and well knit. In fine, to complete his portrait, and give our readers

of the present day an exact idea of this hero of the past, we shall add

that he was altogether that sort of gentleman one sees swaggering in

the Burlington Arcade, with his hair and hat on one side, and a military

cloak thrown over his shoulders; or prowling in Regent Street, towards

the evening, whiskered and cigarred.

Laying his hand on the shoulder of our hero, this gentleman said, with

an affected intonation of voice,--

“How dost, my fine fellow? Long since I saw you! Damme, but you look the

worse for wear. What hast thou been doing with thyself?”

“Ha!” cried our hero, returning the salutation of the stranger, “and is

it Long Ned whom I behold? I am indeed glad to meet you; and I say, my

friend, I hope what I heard of you is not true!”

“Hist!” said Long Ned, looking round fearfully, and sinking his voice;

“never talk of what you hear of gentlemen, except you wish to bring them

to their last dying speech and confession. But come with me, my lad;

there is a tavern hard by, and we may as well discuss matters over a

pint of wine. You look cursed seedy, to be sure; but I can tell Bill the

waiter--famous fellow, that Bill!--that you are one of my tenants, come

to complain of my steward, who has just distrained you for rent, you

dog! No wonder you look so worn in the rigging. Come, follow me. I can't

walk with thee. It would look too like Northumberland House and the

butcher's abode next door taking a stroll together.”

“Really, Mr. Pepper,” said our hero, colouring, and by no means pleased

with the ingenious comparison of his friend, “if you are ashamed of my

clothes, which I own might be newer, I will not wound you with my--”

“Pooh! my lad, pooh!” cried Long Ned, interrupting him; “never take

offence. I never do. I never take anything but money, except, indeed,

watches. I don't mean to hurt your feelings; all of us have been poor

once. 'Gad, I remember when I had not a dud to my back; and now, you see

me,--you see me, Paul! But come, 't is only through the streets you need

separate from me. Keep a little behind, very little; that will do. Ay,

that will do,” repeated Long Ned, mutteringly to himself; “they'll take

him for a bailiff. It looks handsome nowadays to be so attended; it

shows one had credit once!”

Meanwhile Paul, though by no means pleased with the contempt expressed

for his personal appearance by his lengthy associate, and impressed with

a keener sense than ever of the crimes of his coat and the vices of

his other garment,--“Oh, breathe not its name!”--followed doggedly

and sullenly the strutting steps of the coxcombical Mr. Pepper. That

personage arrived at last at a small tavern, and arresting a waiter

who was running across the passage into the coffee-room with a dish of

hung-beef, demanded (no doubt from a pleasing anticipation of a similar

pendulous catastrophe) a plate of the same excellent cheer, to be

carried, in company with a bottle of port, into a private apartment. No

sooner did he find himself alone with Paul than, bursting into a

loud laugh, Mr. Ned surveyed his comrade from head to foot through an

eyeglass which he wore fastened to his button-hole by a piece of blue

ribbon.

“Well, 'gad now,” said he, stopping ever and anon, as if to laugh the

more heartily, “stab my vitals, but you are a comical quiz. I wonder

what the women would say, if they saw the dashing Edward Pepper,

Esquire, walking arm in arm with thee at Ranelagh or Vauxhall! Nay, man,

never be downcast; if I laugh at thee, it is only to make thee look

a little merrier thyself. Why, thou lookest like a book of my

grandfather's called Burton's 'Anatomy of Melancholy;' and faith, a

shabbier bound copy of it I never saw.”

“These jests are a little hard,” said Paul, struggling between anger

and an attempt to smile; and then recollecting his late literary

occupations, and the many extracts he had taken from “Gleanings of the

Belles Lettres,” in order to impart elegance to his criticisms, he threw

out his hand theatrically, and spouted with a solemn face,--

“'Of all the griefs that harass the distrest,

Sure the most bitter is a scornful jest!'”

“Well, now, prithee forgive me,” said Long Ned, composing his features,

“and just tell me what you have been doing the last two months.”

“Slashing and plastering!” said Paul, with conscious pride.

“Slashing and what? The boy's mad. What do you mean, Paul?”

“In other words,” said our hero, speaking very slowly, “know, O very

Long Ned! that I have been critic to 'The Asinaeum.'”

If Paul's comrade laughed at first, he now laughed ten times more

merrily than ever. He threw his full length of limb upon a neighbouring

sofa, and literally rolled with cachinnatory convulsions; nor did his

risible emotions subside until the entrance of the hung-beef restored

him to recollection. Seeing, then, that a cloud lowered over Paul's

countenance, he went up to him with something like gravity, begged his

pardon for his want of politeness, and desired him to wash away all

unkindness in a bumper of port. Paul, whose excellent dispositions we

have before had occasion to remark, was not impervious to his friend's

apologies. He assured Long Ned that he quite forgave him for his

ridicule of the high situation he (Paul) had enjoyed in the literary

world; that it was the duty of a public censor to bear no malice, and

that he should be very glad to take his share in the interment of the

hung-beef.

The pair now sat down to their repast; and Paul, who had fared but

meagerly in that Temple of Athena over which MacGrawler presided, did

ample justice to the viands before him. By degrees, as he ate and

drank, his heart opened to his companion; and laying aside that Asinaeum

dignity which he had at first thought it incumbent on him to assume, he

entertained Pepper with all the particulars of the life he had lately

passed. He narrated to him his breach with Dame Lobkins, his agreement

with MacGrawler, the glory he had acquired, and the wrongs he had

sustained; and he concluded, as now the second bottle made its

appearance, by stating his desire of exchanging for some more active

profession that sedentary career which he had so promisingly begun.

This last part of Paul's confessions secretly delighted the soul of Long

Ned; for that experienced collector of the highways--Ned was, indeed, of

no less noble a profession--had long fixed an eye upon our hero, as

one whom he thought likely to be an honour to that enterprising calling

which he espoused, and an useful assistant to himself. He had not, in

his earlier acquaintance with Paul, when the youth was under the roof

and the surveillance of the practised and wary Mrs. Lobkins, deemed

it prudent to expose the exact nature of his own pursuits, and had

contented himself by gradually ripening the mind and the finances of

Paul into that state when the proposition of a leap from a hedge would

not be likely greatly to revolt the person to whom it was made. He now

thought that time near at hand; and filling our hero's glass up to the

brim, thus artfully addressed him:--

“Courage, my friend! Your narration has given me a sensible pleasure;

for curse me if it has not strengthened my favourite opinion,--that

everything is for the best. If it had not been for the meanness of that

pitiful fellow, MacGrawler, you might still be inspired with the paltry

ambition of earning a few shillings a week and vilifying a parcel of

poor devils in the what-d'ye-call it, with a hard name; whereas now, my

good Paul, I trust I shall be able to open to your genius a new career,

in which guineas are had for the asking,--in which you may wear fine

clothes, and ogle the ladies at Ranelagh; and when you are tired of

glory and liberty, Paul, why, you have only to make your bow to an

heiress, or a widow with a spanking jointure, and quit the hum of men

like a Cincinnatus!”

Though Paul's perception into the abstruser branches of morals was not

very acute,--and at that time the port wine had considerably confused

the few notions he possessed upon “the beauty of virtue,”--yet he could

not but perceive that Mr. Pepper's insinuated proposition was far from

being one which the bench of bishops or a synod of moralists would

conscientiously have approved. He consequently remained silent; and Long

Ned, after a pause, continued:--

“You know my genealogy, my good fellow? I was the son of Lawyer Pepper,

a shrewd old dog, but as hot as Calcutta; and the grandson of Sexton

Pepper, a great author, who wrote verses on tombstones, and kept a stall

of religious tracts in Carlisle. My grandfather, the sexton, was the

best temper of the family; for all of us are a little inclined to be hot

in the mouth. Well, my fine fellow, my father left me his blessing,

and this devilish good head of hair. I lived for some years on my own

resources. I found it a particularly inconvenient mode of life, and of

late I have taken to live on the public. My father and grandfather did

it before me, though in a different line. 'T is the pleasantest plan

in the world. Follow my example, and your coat shall be as spruce as my

own. Master Paul, your health!”

“But, O longest of mortals!” said Paul, refilling his glass, “though

the public may allow you to eat your mutton off their backs for a short

time, they will kick up at last, and upset you and your banquet; in

other words (pardon my metaphor, dear Ned, in remembrance of the part

I have lately maintained in 'The Asinaeum,' that most magnificent and

metaphorical of journals!),--in other words, the police will nab thee

at last; and thou wilt have the distinguished fate, as thou already hast

the distinguishing characteristic, of Absalom!”

“You mean that I shall be hanged,” said Long Ned, “that may or may

not be; but he who fears death never enjoys life. Consider, Paul, that

though hanging is a bad fate, starving is a worse; wherefore fill your

glass, and let us drink to the health of that great donkey, the people,

and may we never want saddles to ride it!”

“To the great donkey,” cried Paul, tossing off his bumper; “may your

(y)ears be as long! But I own to you, my friend, that I cannot enter

into your plans. And, as a token of my resolution, I shall drink no

more, for my eyes already begin to dance in the air; and if I listen

longer to your resistless eloquence, my feet may share the same fate!”

So saying, Paul rose; nor could any entreaty, on the part of his

entertainer, persuade him to resume his seat.

“Nay, as you will,” said Pepper, affecting a nonchalant tone, and

arranging his cravat before the glass,--“nay, as you will. Ned Pepper

requires no man's companionship against his liking; and if the noble

spark of ambition be not in your bosom, 't is no use spending my breath

in blowing at what only existed in my too flattering opinion of your

qualities. So then, you propose to return to MacGrawler (the scurvy old

cheat!), and pass the inglorious remainder of your life in the mangling

of authors and the murder of grammar? Go, my good fellow, go! scribble

again and forever for MacGrawler, and let him live upon thy brains

instead of suffering thy brains to--”

“Hold!” cried Paul. “Although I may have some scruples which prevent my

adoption of that rising line of life you have proposed to me, yet you

are very much mistaken if you imagine me so spiritless as any longer to

subject myself to the frauds of that rascal MacGrawler. No! My present

intention is to pay my old nurse a visit. It appears to me passing

strange that though I have left her so many weeks, she has never

relented enough to track me out, which one would think would have been

no difficult matter; and now, you see, that I am pretty well off, having

five guineas and four shillings all my own, and she can scarcely think I

want her money, my heart melts to her, and I shall go and ask pardon for

my haste!”

“Pshaw! sentimental,” cried Long Ned, a little alarmed at the thought

of Paul's gliding from those clutches which he thought had now so firmly

closed upon him. “Why, you surely don't mean, after having once tasted

the joys of independence, to go back to the boozing-ken, and bear all

Mother Lobkins's drunken tantrums! Better have stayed with MacGrawler,

of the two!”

“You mistake me,” answered Paul; “I mean solely to make it up with her,

and get her permission to see the world. My ultimate intention is--to

travel.”

“Right,” cried Ned, “on the high-road,--and on horseback, I hope.”

“No, my Colossus of Roads! no. I am in doubt whether or not I shall

enlist in a marching regiment, or--Give me your advice on it! I fancy I

have a great turn for the stage, ever since I saw Garrick in 'Richard.'

Shall I turn stroller? It must be a merry life.”

“Oh, the devil!” cried Ned. “I myself once did Cassio in a barn, and

every one swore I enacted the drunken scene to perfection; but you have

no notion what a lamentable life it is to a man of any susceptibility.

No, my friend, no! There is only one line in all the old plays worthy

thy attention,--

“'Toby [The highway] or not toby, that is the question.'

“I forget the rest!”

“Well,” said our hero, answering in the same jocular vein, “I confess

I have 'the actor's high ambition.' It is astonishing how my heart beat

when Richard cried out, 'Come bustle, bustle!' Yes, Pepper, avaunt!--

“'A thousand hearts are great within my bosom.'”

“Well, well,” said Long Ned, stretching himself, “since you are so fond

of the play, what say you to an excursion thither to-night? Garrick

acts.”

“Done!” cried Paul.

“Done!” echoed lazily Long Ned, rising with that blase air which

distinguishes the matured man of the world from the enthusiastic

tyro,-“done! and we will adjourn afterwards to the White Horse.”

“But stay a moment,” said Paul; “if you remember, I owed you a guinea

when I last saw you,--here it is!”

“Nonsense,” exclaimed Long Ned, refusing the money,--“nonsense! You

want the money at present; pay me when you are richer. Nay, never be coy

about it; debts of honour are not paid now as they used to be. We lads

of the Fish Lane Club have changed all that. Well, well, if I must!”

And Long Ned, seeing that Paul insisted, pocketed the guinea. When this

delicate matter had been arranged,--“Come,” said Pepper, “come, get your

hat; but, bless me! I have forgotten one thing.”

“What?”

“Why, my fine Paul, consider. The play is a bang-up sort of a place;

look at your coat and your waistcoat, that's all!”

Our hero was struck dumb with this argumentum ad hominem. But Long Ned,

after enjoying his perplexity, relieved him of it by telling him that

he knew of an honest tradesman who kept a ready-made shop just by the

theatre, and who could fit him out in a moment.

In fact, Long Ned was as good as his word; he carried Paul to a tailor,

who gave him for the sum of thirty shillings--half ready money, half

on credit-a green coat with a tarnished gold lace, a pair of red

inexpressibles, and a pepper-and-salt waistcoat. It is true, they were

somewhat of the largest, for they had once belonged to no less a person

than Long Ned himself; but Paul did not then regard those niceties of

apparel, as he was subsequently taught to do by Gentleman George (a

personage hereafter to be introduced to our reader), and he went to the

theatre as well satisfied with himself as if he had been Mr. T---- or

the Count de ----.

Our adventurers are now quietly seated in the theatre; and we shall

not think it necessary to detail the performances they saw, or the

observations they made. Long Ned was one of those superior beings of the

road who would not for the world have condescended to appear anywhere

but in the boxes; and, accordingly, the friends procured a couple of

places in the dress-tier. In the next box to the one our adventurers

adorned they remarked, more especially than the rest of the audience, a

gentleman and a young lady seated next each other; the latter, who was

about thirteen years old, was so uncommonly beautiful that Paul,

despite his dramatic enthusiasm, could scarcely divert his eyes from her

countenance to the stage. Her hair, of a bright and fair auburn, hung

in profuse ringlets about her neck, shedding a softer shade upon a

complexion in which the roses seemed just budding as it were into blush.

Her eyes, large, blue, and rather languishing than brilliant, were

curtained by the darkest lashes; her mouth seemed literally girt with

smiles, so numberless were the dimples that every time the full, ripe,

dewy lips were parted rose into sight; and the enchantment of the

dimples was aided by two rows of teeth more dazzling than the richest

pearls that ever glittered on a bride. But the chief charm of the face

was its exceeding and touching air of innocence and girlish softness;

you might have gazed forever upon that first unspeakable bloom, that all

untouched and stainless down, which seemed as if a very breath could mar

it. Perhaps the face might have wanted animation; but perhaps, also, it

borrowed from that want an attraction. The repose of the features was so

soft and gentle that the eye wandered there with the same delight, and

left it with the same reluctance, which it experiences in dwelling on

or in quitting those hues which are found to harmonize the most with its

vision. But while Paul was feeding his gaze on this young beauty, the

keen glances of Long Ned had found an object no less fascinating in a

large gold watch which the gentleman who accompanied the damsel ever

and anon brought to his eye, as if he were waxing a little weary of the

length of the pieces or the lingering progression of time.

“What a beautiful face!” whispered Paul.

“Is the face gold, then, as well as the back?” whispered Long Ned, in

return.

Our hero started, frowned, and despite the gigantic stature of his

comrade, told him, very angrily, to find some other subject for jesting.

Ned in his turn stared, but made no reply.

Meanwhile Paul, though the lady was rather too young to fall in love

with, began wondering what relationship her companion bore to her.

Though the gentleman altogether was handsome, yet his features and the

whole character of his face were widely different from those on

which Paul gazed with such delight. He was not, seemingly, above

five-and-forty, but his forehead was knit into many a line and furrow;

and in his eyes the light, though searching, was more sober and staid

than became his years. A disagreeable expression played about the

mouth; and the shape of the face, which was long and thin, considerably

detracted from the prepossessing effect of a handsome aquiline nose,

fine teeth, and a dark, manly, though sallow complexion. There was a

mingled air of shrewdness and distraction in the expression of his face.

He seemed to pay very little attention to the play, or to anything about

him; but he testified very considerable alacrity, when the play was

over, in putting her cloak around his young companion, and in threading

their way through the thick crowd that the boxes were now pouring forth.

Paul and his companion silently, and each with very different motives

from the other, followed them. They were now at the door of the theatre.

A servant stepped forward and informed the gentleman that his carriage

was a few paces distant, but that it might be some time before it could

drive up to the theatre.

“Can you walk to the carriage, my dear?” said the gentleman to his young

charge; and she answering in the affirmative, they both left the house,

preceded by the servant.

“Come on!” said Long Ned, hastily, and walking in the same direction

which the strangers had taken. Paul readily agreed. They soon overtook

the strangers. Long Ned walked the nearest to the gentleman, and brushed

by him in passing. Presently a voice cried, “Stop thief!” and Long Ned,

saying to Paul, “Shift for yourself, run!” darted from our hero's side

into the crowd, and vanished in a twinkling. Before Paul could recover

his amaze, he found himself suddenly seized by the collar; he turned

abruptly, and saw the dark face of the young lady's companion.

“Rascal!” cried the gentleman, “my watch!”

“Watch!” repeated Paul, bewildered, and only for the sake of the young

lady refraining from knocking down his arrester,--“watch!”

“Ay, young man!” cried a fellow in a great-coat, who now suddenly

appeared on the other side of Paul; “this gentleman's watch. Please your

honour,” addressing the complainant, “I be a watch too; shall I take up

this chap?”

“By all means,” cried the gentleman; “I would not have lost my watch

for twice its value. I can swear I saw this fellow's companion snatch

it from my fob. The thief's gone; but we have at least the accomplice. I

give him in strict charge to you, watchman; take the consequences if you

let him escape.” The watchman answered, sullenly, that he did not want

to be threatened, and he knew how to discharge his duty.

“Don't answer me, fellow!” said the gentleman, haughtily; “do as I tell

you!” And after a little colloquy, Paul found himself suddenly marched

off between two tall fellows, who looked prodigiously inclined to eat

him. By this time he had recovered his surprise and dismay. He did not

want the penetration to see that his companion had really committed

the offence for which he was charged; and he also foresaw that the

circumstance might be attended with disagreeable consequences to

himself. Under all the features of the case, he thought that an attempt

to escape would not be an imprudent proceeding on his part; accordingly,

after moving a few paces very quietly and very passively, he watched

his opportunity, wrenched himself from the gripe of the gentleman on

his left, and brought the hand thus released against the cheek of the

gentleman on his right with so hearty a good will as to cause him to

relinquish his hold, and retreat several paces towards the areas in a

slanting position. But that roundabout sort of blow with the left fist

is very unfavourable towards the preservation of a firm balance; and

before Paul had recovered sufficiently to make an effectual bolt, he was

prostrated to the earth by a blow from the other and undamaged watchman,

which utterly deprived him of his senses; and when he recovered those

useful possessions (which a man may reasonably boast of losing, since it

is only the minority who have them to lose), he found himself stretched

on a bench in the watchhouse.