CHAPTER XV

Robert, accompanied by Lord Reckage, arrived in London the following

Wednesday. Pensee and Brigit went from St. Malo to Paris, where the

unhappy girl hoped to enter the Conservatoire. All had been arranged by

Robert himself, and he had shown a calmness during the ordeal which

might have deceived his two friends had they been even a little

insincere themselves or a shade less fond. His Journal at that period

contains two entries, however, which show that neither Lady Fitz Rewes

nor Reckage were wrong in fearing he had received a mortal blow which no

earthly influence could make endurable.

_Oct., 1869._--I am once more at Almouth House. Beauclerk's

consideration for me is almost more than I can bear. The rest is

not borne. If it were not cowardly, I would go away alone, and

brood at my leisure and yield to the appalling yet all but

irresistible wretchedness which calls me, which I actually crave.

An effort not to depress or discourage others may be right and my

duty. I cannot be sure of this. Sometimes I feel as though it would

be wiser to meet the dark hours and make acquaintance with them....

And what is to become of her? The longing to see her--even in the

distance....

To-night I talked with Reckage about his Bond of Association. Most

of the members feel toward him that insipid kind of hatred which

passes for friendship in public life. If he were naturally

observant, he would see this; if he were given at all to

self-doubt, he would feel it. But his way is to regard most men as

ill-mannered and well-meaning.

_Tuesday._--Another day. I begin to see that I have been called to

make every sacrifice--marriage, ambition, happiness, all must be

abandoned: abandoned while I live, not after I have made myself, by

years of self-discipline, indifferent to such considerations....

But for its piety, the _Imitation_ is, I think, the most

pessimistic book in the world. The _Exercises_ of St. Ignatius

(perhaps because he was a saint) produce quite an opposite effect

upon me; they exhort us to hope, action, courage. They make one a

citizen of both worlds. Merely to read him is a campaign in the

open air against a worthy foe. I defy any man to go through the

_Exercises_ with his whole heart, and even whine again. I have

resolved to write willingly no more, to speak willingly no more, on

the subject of my marriage. That page is turned for ever: there

shall be no glancing back. Moods inevitably must come; spasms of

despair are as little tractable as spasms of physical pain. But I

can at least keep silent about their true cause. The first step

toward the cure of egoism is to lock away one's Journal. I shall

add no more to this till I have mastered my present state. And I

wonder what that mastery will mean? Are some victories better lost?

The Journal ends abruptly at this point, and no more was added that

year. His letter to Lord Wight has been preserved because his lordship

sent it to Pensee in some anger, begging her to explain such

callousness. Pensee, being a woman, brought a gentler understanding to

the inquiry.

"Don't you see," she said, "that his heart is broken?"

"I see," returned his lordship drily, "he is a born R. C. ecclesiastic.

Religious instinct is the ruling passion of Orange. That poor young

woman--with whom he is madly in love--was merely an accident of his

career. She has affected his character--yes. I suppose Cardinal

Manning's wife had her influence in her day. But Robert will work better

than ever after this. Whereas look at me, my dear. When I lost Sybil, I

was completely done for. I tried to set up for myself, but I couldn't. I

hope I am a Christian; God forbid that I should quarrel with His will.

Yet I cannot think I am a better man for my poor darling's death. Don't

talk to me. Don't say anything."

The letter in question ran as follows:--

ALMOUTH HOUSE.

MY DEAR LORD WIGHT,--

The messages which you have sent by Lady Fitz Rewes have helped me

where I most needed assistance. When I tell you this, it would be

more possible for you to imagine my gratitude than for me to

express it--at least, in words, and for that matter I can't see how

any act of mine could prove even a fraction of it. Shall I resume

my work on the 28th? I have had to learn that one does not always

choose one's vocation. It is sometimes chosen for us. May I beg

you, as one more favour, never to talk to me about the events of

the last fortnight? In one sense I am able--too able--to discuss

them. This is why I must not indulge myself. In times to come I may

find it, perhaps, a certain effort to speak of it all. Then I will

tell you gladly anything your kindness may seek to know. But just

now it is my duty to keep silent. One cannot fight the wild beasts,

and describe them fairly, at the same hour. Either they seem more

formidable than they are, or they are even more terrible than they

seem. But the order has gone forth--"Face them."

Your affectionate and grateful,

ROBERT de H. ORANGE.

Robert himself, after he had written this final letter, decided to reply

in person to a note which he had received that morning from Lady Sara.

He walked to St. James's Square wondering, without much interest,

whether Fate would have her absent or at home. As a matter of fact, she

had felt a presentiment of his call, and he found her, beautifully

dressed in violet tints, copying some Mass music in the drawing-room.

"I hoped you would come," she said, when the servant had closed the

door. "Nothing else could have shown me that you didn't mind my writing.

I had to write. I wrote badly, but indeed I understood. It takes an

eternity to sound the infinite. We won't talk of you: we can talk about

other people. Ask me what I have been doing."

All this time she held his hand, but in such sisterly, kind fashion,

that he felt more at ease with her than it was ever possible to be with

Pensee, who was timid, and therefore disturbing.

"Have you accepted Marshire?" he asked at once.

"No," she said, blushing; "I do not love him sufficiently to marry him."

"How is this?"

"You know that I always fly from important mediocrities. You think that

sounds heartless. He has been so kind to me. But I love as I must--not

as I ought. My dear friend, all the trouble in life is due to forced

affection. Look at Beauclerk! Think of Agnes Carillon! What fiery

fierceness of sorrow in both their hearts! Papa and I were at Lady

Churleigh's last Sunday. Agnes was there, looking, believe me, lovely.

No portrait does her justice. One finds marvellous beauty, now and

again, in the middle classes. She is an exquisite _bourgeoise_. She is

not clever enough to feel bored; she is too well brought up to be

fascinating; too handsome to insist on homage. Plain women are exacting

and capricious--they make themselves _worth while_. _Il faut se faire

valoir!_ That is why a man will often adore an ugly woman for ever,

whereas an Agnes--an Agnes----"

She paused, gave him a glance, and laughed.

"Does Beauclerk adore Agnes?" said she.

"Can one man judge another in these questions?"

"If neither are hypocrites--yes."

"As for conscious hypocrisy, a priest of great experience once told me

that in twenty years he had met but one deliberate hypocrite. You must

be less cynical. Men, however, don't watch each other closely as a rule

in sentimental matters."

"If that is a reproof, I thank you for it," she answered. "It may do me

good. This wayward soul of mine is all wrong. Be patient with me. I

can't help thinking that most men living are, at the bottom, wholly

selfish and truly miserable."

"Very few people are truly miserable. If this were not the case, the

world and all creatures must have perished long ago."

"Well, I can tell you of three wretches at any rate."

"Three--against the world and all the planets and heaven?" said he.

"Yes. They are Beauclerk, and Agnes and I. We want time and space

annihilated in order that we may be happy. We must be humorous studies

to those looking on, but we are, nevertheless, utterly desperate. This

is true. Scold me now--if you can. Tell me what is to become of us--if

you dare."

She stood up. She clenched her small hands, set her lips, and grew so

pale that the pearls around her neck seemed dark.

"Tell me what is to become of us--if you dare," she repeated, "because

mischief is certain. You belong to those who endure and fight good

fights, and keep the faith. Beauclerk and I are of another order

altogether. We suffer without endurance, we fight without winning, and

the little faith we have is so little that it is taken away from us. As

for Agnes--wait! She is encased, at present, in conventionalities. But

she is gradually getting rid of these wrappings and trappings. She will

surprise you all yet."

"I can believe that. She is a woman, and a good one. All the surprising,

inconceivable things are done by good women."

"And most of the wicked things, too."

"Possibly."

"Let me tell you then that, if it is possible in the circumstances,

Agnes ought to give Beauclerk his release. It would be no more than his

right to demand this."

"A right is something independent of circumstances, and paramount to

them. But when you once talk of your rights and your wrongs in love, all

love is gone, or going. I hope it hasn't come to that--with Reckage!"

"You have great knowledge of him and know how to press it home when you

choose. Can't you see, plainly enough, that he is on the road to

disaster?"

"No. One may easily be a long way from happiness and still be nowhere

near disaster," he said, checking a deep sigh. "Of course, if he feels

that he cannot in honour remain in his present situation, he must act at

once. Men who are desirous to satisfy all their friends soon become

irresolute on every occasion. That is all I shall say upon the subject,

and this, perhaps, may be saying more than I ought."

"Another reproof! So be it. But I am thinking of his contentment, and

you are thinking of his duty. What is duty? It generally means that

which your acquaintances--for no reason and without warrant--expect of

you. I take a larger view."

"People of Beauclerk's stamp are so constituted that they can rarely

find contentment by defying a general opinion."

"But Agnes is not a pretty, crying, fluttering creature who would excite

compassion. Who, for instance, could jilt Pensee? I don't wish Beauclerk

to jilt anybody, however. I want Agnes to take the step."

"Why?" he asked.

"Because he will break his heart and die--if she doesn't. There!"

"Then it will be your fault."

"Mr. Orange!"

"You know it, and I mean it."

She smiled at him and shrugged her shoulders.

"Do you think I would ever take the commonplace course?" she said

proudly. "I did hope that you could appreciate motives for which the

world at large is slow enough to give credit. Beauclerk is weak,

attractive, and in perplexity; I search my heart again and again, and I

find nothing but friendship there--for him. I am careful of every word I

speak, and every look, and every thought. My interest is unselfish.

But," she added, "what can any of us do, after all, toward raising

either dead bodies or dead souls?"

"Dead souls?"

"Yes. Beauclerk might have been something once; he is still very clever;

he will soon be a man for occasional addresses. I believe in him, you

see."

"I know that."

She was smiling, yet almost in tears, and her voice trembled. He wished

to speak, if only to break the sudden, oppressive silence which followed

her last words; but neither of them could find a thought to offer. They

sat facing each other, lost in following out unutterable conjectures,

fancies, and doubts, each painfully aware of a certain mystery, each

filled with a sure premonition of troubles to come.

"I could almost pray," she exclaimed at last, "that you didn't trust

him. Because--in spite of himself--he must disappoint every one. He is

not a deliberate traitor--but a born one."

As Sara spoke the double doors were thrown open.

Lord Reckage was announced.

"Beauclerk!" she exclaimed.

His lordship, self-absorbed, did not perceive her confusion--which she

was too young to dissemble perfectly.

"The man told me that you were here," he said, addressing Orange and

seating himself by Sara. "I call this luck--finding you both together. I

have just been with my Committee. They always expect the worst of me

now, and they are always cheerful in the expectation."

Sara began to disentangle some silk fringe on her skirt; she did not

look up, and she offered no comment.

"What is the matter now?" asked Robert.

"They want to get rid of me. You see, one might practise very

considerably on the credulity of the members if one chose, and these

fellows on the Executive wish me to take a cautious line with regard to

Dr. Temple's nomination.[Footnote: Mr. Gladstone's nomination of Dr.

Temple to the See of Exeter.] It is all very well for Pusey to write,

'Do you prefer your party to Almighty God and to the souls of men?' But,

as Aumerle says, Pusey is not in the House of Commons. An attack on

Temple will be highly unpopular. We have sounded opinion in various

quarters, and we receive the unanimous reply--'Have nothing to do with

it.' There is a feeling in the clubs, too, that vapid, colourless

orthodoxy is not wanted in England. Healthy disagreement within limits

suits us. The question is, then: Ought I to go against this strong tide

and get myself disliked?"

"Yes," said Sara at once.

"You think so?"

"Beyond a doubt."

"Of course," said his lordship, readily enough, "a combination in

defence of any article of the faith is a noble thing. My original idea

was to get up a combination of High and Low and Broad Churchmen, and

make a stand on purely legal grounds. For instance, how can the bishops,

_without previous explanation_, consecrate one lying under the censure

of their House? That is all. There is nothing offensive in that. We

merely ask for an explanation: we offer no judgment: we state no

prejudice. If Dr. Temple intends to withdraw his paper from _Essays and

Reviews_--well and good. Personally, he bears the highest character. He

would be, in many ways, an acquisition to the Church. But does he

himself believe in the Church as a Divine institution--mark you, a

_Divine_ institution? Neither the _Outs_ nor the _Ins_, I should think,

could object to this question. Aumerle and the Executive, however, are

dead against any proceedings at all. They think we ought to give our

Association a more secular character. They say we are hampered by too

vehement a religious tone. They say that broad Christian principles are

more workable. Besides, the word Christian always attracts the

Nonconformists in spite of themselves. They are bound to support you if

you stick to the line of a believer in Christ--irrespective of

particular doctrines. And so on and so on. I prefer something more hard

and fast myself. Yet they may be right. One must go with the times."

He shifted his chair several times during this speech, looking first at

Orange and then at Sara for encouragement.

"Your Executive are poor creatures," said Sara, with a curling lip;

"your weak theologians have become flabby politicians--their one rule of

action is to avoid everything which demands even the possibility of

self-sacrifice or adverse criticism."

"That is most unfair," said Reckage hotly. "One must see where one is

going."

"The world," said Sara, "in the long run, despises those who pander to

it."

"Yes, but it is in the _long_ run, and no mistake! What a fellow you

are, Robert! Why don't you suggest something? Are you trying to find the

civilest thing you can say of the performance?"

"It is the system which you must attack in the present difficulty. The

system is at fault--not Dr. Temple," said Robert.

"No other system can be now looked to as a substitute," answered Reckage

impatiently. "The thing cannot be done away now, the danger is too

near."

"Exactly. The English can never deal with systems or ideas. They can

only attack individuals--you depend in a crisis on the passions of men,

never on their reason. Whereas if you overhauled their reason, worked

it, and trained it, the passions, at the critical moment, would be

roused with better effect, and would be properly organised. Organised

passions are what you need for a strong public movement. Whirling

emotions in contrary currents are utterly futile."

"I daresay. I hoped we might make such efforts as to fix a lasting

impression on both Houses that the State appointment of bishops, coupled

with the farce of a _conge d'elire_, is rank blasphemy. This outrage on

good taste ought to occupy the attention of every man. It is quite

enough to fill the minds of all."

"It won't," said Robert. "You must remember that whatever strikes the

mind of an average man, as the result of his own observation and

discovery, makes always the strongest impression upon him. Now the

average man is not engaged in studying Church government. He will not

thank you for calling his attention to it."

"Then what do you want Beauclerk to do?" asked Sara.

"He must fight just the same, of course. I merely wish him to see what

he has to encounter. By dragging the clergy into the movement you make

it savour--to the popular intelligence--of professional jealousy. By

making Dr. Temple your example, you render those who respect his

character powerless to express their opinion. Given the system, he is

unquestionably the fittest man to profit by it."

Reckage took many turns round the room.

"The personal character of Dean Ethbin," he said, at last, "is not

exactly square. He acts a trimming part. But now and again he sums up a

situation. He says that the English people do not choose to keep up an

Established Church which shall be independent of its Sovereign and

Legislature. I have seen most of the bishops and archdeacons. They are

against Temple; they say very little about the system. Even men with

nothing to gain by it," he added, ingenuously, "don't appear to

criticise it."

"For all that, the Church must deliver her conscience at whatever risk.

She ought to assert her will--even against her interest--in order to

show England that she is her own mistress!"

"You mean that ironically! What does for Rome, however, doesn't do for

us. The Church of England is It--not She--to most people. As for Rome,

nothing in her belongs to humanity, except the Vatican discipline--the

life of which, I confess, is a permanent miracle!"

"My best friends," entreated Sara gaily, "do not--do not fight. Be nice

to each other and listen to me. The English never read history. Why not

get up a kind of Historical Commission and examine the validity of the

Anglican Orders? There you can work at the roots of things. After that,

introduce a Bill for the admission of clergymen to Parliament. You have

spiritual peers, why not spiritual Commons?"

"One at a time," said Reckage; "what ideas you have! Say them again. I

believe they are not half bad. But do go more slowly."

Sara, with a becoming instinct of meekness, took her favourite seat on

the fender, and at the feet of the two men, looking up humbly, began to

explain herself with that lightness of phrase only possible to those

who have a profound knowledge of their subject. Her submissive attitude,

her soft, musical voice, and her docile expression made both men

insensible to the actual commands insinuated into the emotional wit and

acute arguments of her little speech. Reckage was fascinated. He sat

there drinking in her beauty and wisdom--the one stimulated his senses,

the other pierced his intelligence, making him feel that, with such a

companion ever by his side, he might achieve heroism with a good

conscience. As matters were, he was often dissatisfied, sleepless, and

oppressed--particularly under praise. He was not often set right, as he

would have said it, in his own opinion--even when the world and his

Executive Committee were disposed to cry out--"Well done."

"I didn't run within pounds of my form," was the cry of self-reproach he

invariably heard above the applause of his colleagues or the

commendation of the Press. Sara, he believed, would give him the courage

of his own better nature. These thoughts were passing rosily in his

heart, when Lord Garrow, accompanied by Agnes Carillon, entered the

room.

"My love," said Lord Garrow to Sara, "I met Miss Carillon on the steps

of the London Library, and I have brought her in to tea. But why do you

sit in the firelight? Why haven't they lit the gas? And who is here?"

A sudden flame from the grate illuminated the faces of Orange and Lord

Reckage. The two ladies greeted each other. All spoke, and then all were

silent. It was an awkward meeting for every one present. Lord Garrow

rang the bell, and the small company sat there without a word, watching

the footman light the gas in the glass chandelier.

"What do you suppose we have been talking about?" asked Sara

desperately.

"I can't imagine, my dear," said her father. "I am far too cross. I hate

these odd ways."

"We were discussing the validity of Anglican Orders."

"God bless my soul!" exclaimed his lordship; "what next?"

Agnes, who was looking pale and worried, frowned with displeasure.

"But how disloyal!" she said severely. "As if one could even discuss

such a question!"

"Mr. Orange is a Roman Catholic," answered Sara, "so he is not disloyal.

I am nothing--so I have no obligations. Lord Reckage is in public life

and has to meet the problems of the age. Don't be narrow, dear Agnes."

"I think it too bad, all the same," replied Miss Carillon--"even in fun.

I am sure I am right."

Lord Reckage tried to conceal his annoyance, but his voice shook a

little as he said--

"We were not joking. New men will come in, not improbably with new

ideas. I must be ready for them. An ignorance of men's moods is fatal."

He hoped she would take this warning to herself. She was, however, too

stirred to consider anything except the cause of their common agitation.

"Dr. Benson was saying to papa only last week," she answered, "that

there is no apparent recognition of the Divine presence in our daily

affairs. It is most shocking."

"The clergy are doing their level best, by bigotry, to make Benson's

assertion true. At any rate, I am not going about, as the French put it,

with my paws in the air. I feel strongly tempted to throw up my present

line, and give the whole Association to the best qualified hypocrite of

my acquaintance."

"The sure way out of that temptation is not to think yourself exposed to

it," said Robert quickly.

"I hate sophistries," said Agnes, tightening her lips. "And I hope,

Beauclerk, that you will never remain in any painful situation against

your will."

These words seemed to bear an ominous significance. Agnes herself,

having uttered them, received one of those sudden inward illuminations

which, in some natures, amount to second-sight. But she was

unimaginative and not especially observant, sensitive, or skilled in

discerning the signs of any psychological disturbance. She felt only, on

this occasion, that a crisis had been reached, that Reckage was vexed

with himself, with her, with life generally. She had a letter in her

pocket from David Rennes--a beautiful, touching letter, full of longing

for a faith, a hope--love, he said, he possessed, alas! What a

difference in the two men!

"You don't understand," said Sara. "You are right because you haven't

heard enough. Mr. Orange is going to give a lecture on Church History,

and Lord Reckage has promised to be chairman. They will hold the meeting

at St. James's Hall, and I am sure it will be most interesting. More I

cannot tell you, because they have gone no further in their plans."

But misfortune had entered the room, and that wayfarer--once

admitted--asserts her ill-will without let or hindrance. Agnes, barely

touching her tea, rose to say goodbye. Lord Garrow and Reckage escorted

her to the hall. They helped her into a carriage (lent her for that

afternoon by the Duchess of Pevensey), and she drove away, trembling,

tearful, afraid, not reminding her _fiance_ that they were to meet at

dinner in the evening. He walked homeward, but not until he had decided,

after much hesitation, that he could scarcely go back again to Lady

Sara. His thoughts were fixed now to one refrain--"I must have my

freedom." Freedom, at that moment, had a mocking, lovely face, the

darkest blue eyes, and quantities of long, black hair. She wore a violet

dress, her hands were white, and she talked like a Blue Book set to

music by Beethoven. Yes, he must have his freedom and live.

Sara and Orange, meanwhile, left alone in the drawing-room, were

exchanging interrogatory glances, "What do you think now?" she asked;

"do you pretend to believe that Agnes and Beauclerk can make each other

even moderately contented?"

"Then you are to blame."

A flush swept over her face. She looked bitter reproaches, but she made

no answer.

"And why are you so interested in Anglican Orders?" he continued. "How

is it that you know your subject so well? For you do know it well."

"Catholic questions always appeal to me," she said coldly. "I have no

religion, but I come from a race of politicians and soldiers--on my

mother's side. I must have an intellectual _pied a terre_, and I require

a good cause. Party politics are too parochial for me. So I am on the

side of the Vatican."

"_La reine s'amuse_," said Robert. "Is that all?"

"Yes, that's all."

She turned over the music on her writing-table and hummed some bars from

the Kyrie of Mozart's Twelfth Mass.

"If you were a Jesuit," said she, "you would try to convert me."

"St. Ignatius never wasted time over insincere women."

"I am not insincere," she said frankly. "I own I may seem so. But you

are not kind, and some day you may be sorry for this."

Her eyes filled with tears--which he noticed and attributed to fatigue.

"I wonder how men ever accomplish anything!" she exclaimed.

"Why?"

"They have no insight. They mistake self-control for coldness, and

despair for flippancy. Isn't that the case?"

"One can be light and true as well as light and false. Now you are

witty, beautiful, brilliant--but you don't always ring true."

She seemed confused for a minute, and hung her head.

"All the same," she said, suddenly, "I am always sincere with you. It is

not in my power to be so with every one. 'Fate overrules my will.'"

"That is the trouble with most of us."

Then he wished her goodbye, promising, however, to call again with

regard to the Meeting. Lord Garrow met him on the staircase.

"I congratulate you on your election to Brookes's," stammered his

lordship, "but for Heaven's sake be cautious at play. Really, the

younger men there are trying to revive the worst traditions in gaming.

The loo was rather high at Chetwynd's last night," he added, with a

studied air of guilt. "I won L500 from my host. I call that the

limit--even on old Cabinet Steinberg!"

He smiled, he waved his hand, feeling that he had displayed great taste

in a situation of enormous difficulty. Something unusual, too, in the

young man's face touched his heart. It seemed to him that here was one

who had felt the world's buffets.

"I have never been just in my estimate of Mr. Orange," said he to Sara,

as he re-entered the drawing-room. "I quite took to him to-day. He has a

fine countenance, and I am sure he is very much cut up by this painful

affair. It's a pity he's a Catholic, for he would make such an excellent

canon for St. Paul's. He would _look_ the part so well."

"'Happiness, that nymph with unreturning feet,' has passed him by," said

Sara, watching herself in one of the mirrors.

"She has passed a good many," sighed his lordship. "But play me that

lovely air which Titiens sings in _Il Flauto Magico_."