CHAPTER XVII

I go to Surgeons’ Hall, when I meet Mr. Jackson—am examined—a fierce

dispute arises between two of the examiners—Jackson disguises himself

to attract respect—irises himself to attract respect—is detected—in

hazard of being sent to Bridewell—he treats us at a Tavern—carries us

to a Night-house—A troublesome adventure there—we are committed to the

Round-house—carried before a Justice—his behaviour

With the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me almost all

the money he earned, I preserved my half-guinea entire till the day of

examination, when I went with a quaking heart to Surgeons’ Hall, in

order to undergo that ceremony. Among a crowd of young fellows who

walked in the outward hall, I perceived Mr. Jackson, to whom I

immediately went up; and, inquiring into the state of his love affair,

understood it was still undetermined, by reason of his friend’s

absence, and the delay of the recall at Chatham, which put it out of

his power to bring it to a conclusion. I then asked what his business

was in this place; he replied, he was resolved to have two strings to

his bow, that in case the one failed, he might use the other; and, with

this view, he was to pass that night for a higher qualification. At

that instant, a young fellow came out from the place of examination,

with a pale countenance, his lip quivering, and his looks as wild as if

he had seen a ghost. He no sooner appeared, than we all flocked about

him with the utmost eagerness to know what reception he had met with;

which, after some pause, he described, recounting all the questions

they had asked, with the answers he made. In this manner we obliged no

less than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was past, they

did with pleasure, before it fell to my lot: at length the beadle

called my name, with a voice that made me tremble. However, there was

no remedy. I was conducted into a large hall, where I saw about a dozen

of grim faces sitting at a long table: one of whom bade me come

forward, in such an imperious tone, that I was actually for a minute or

two bereft of my senses. The first question he put to me was, “Where

was you born?” To which I answered, “In Scotland.” “In Scotland,” said

he; “I know that very well—we have scarce any other countrymen to

examine here—you Scotchmen have overspread us of late as the locusts

did Egypt. I ask you in what part of Scotland was you born?” I named

the place of my nativity, which he had never heard of; he then

proceeded to interrogate me about my age, the town where I served my

time, with the term of my apprenticeship; and when I informed him that

I served three years only, he fell into a violent passion, swore it was

a shame and a scandal to send such raw boys into the world as surgeons;

that it was great presumption in me, and an affront upon the English,

to pretend sufficient skill in my business, having served so short a

time, when every apprentice in England was bound seven years at least:

that my friends would have done better if they had made me a weaver or

shoemaker; but their pride would have me a gentleman, he supposed, at

any rate, and their poverty could not afford the necessary education.

This exordium did not at all contribute to the recovery of my spirits;

but on the contrary, reduced me to such a situation that I was scarcely

able to stand; which being perceived by a plump gentleman who sat

opposite to me with a skull before him, he said, Mr. Snarler was too

severe upon the young man; and, turning towards me, told me I need not

be afraid, for nobody would do me any harm: then, bidding me take time

to recollect myself, he examined me, touching the operation of the

trepan, and was very well satisfied with my answers. The next person

who questioned me was a wag, who began by asking if I had ever seen

amputation performed; and I replying in the affirmative, he shook his

head and said, “What! upon a dead subject, I suppose?” “If,” continued

he, “during an engagement at sea, a man should be brought to you with

his head shot off, how would you behave?” After some hesitation, I

owned such a case had never come under my observation, neither did I

remember to have seen any method of care proposed for such an accident,

in any of the systems of surgery I had perused.

Whether it was owing to the simplicity of my answer, or the archness of

the question, I know not, but every member at the board deigned to

smile, except Mr. Snarler, who seemed to have very little of the

‘animal risible’ in his constitution. The facetious member, encouraged

by the success of his last joke, went on thus: “Suppose you was called

to a patient of a plethoric habit, who has been bruised by a fall, what

would you do?” I answered, “I would bleed him immediately.” “What!”

said he, “before you had tied up his arm?” But this stroke of wit not

answering his expectation, he desired me to advance to the gentleman

who sat next him; and who, with a pert air, asked, what method of cure

I would follow in wounds of the intestines. I repeated the method of

care as it is prescribed by the best chirurgical writers, which he

heard to an end, and then said with a supercilious smile, “So you think

with such treatment the patient might recover?” I told him I saw

nothing to make me think otherwise. “That may be,” resumed he; “I won’t

answer for your foresight, but did you ever know a case of this kind

succeed?” I acknowledged I did not, and was about to tell him I had

never seen a wounded intestine; but he stopt me, by saying, with some

precipitation, “Nor never will! I affirm that all wounds of the

intestines, whether great or small, are mortal.” “Pardon me, brother,”

says the fat gentleman, “there is very good authority—” Here he was

interrupted by the other with—“Sir, excuse me, I despise all

authority—Nullius in verbo—I stand on my own bottom.” “But sir, sir,”

replied his antagonist, “the reason of the thing shows—” “A fig for

reason,” cries this sufficient member; “I laugh at reason; give me

ocular demonstratio.” The corpulent gentleman began to wax warm, and

observed, that no man acquainted with the anatomy of the parts would

advance such an extravagant assertion. This inuendo enraged the other

so much, that he started up, and in a furious tone exclaimed: “What,

Sir! do you question my knowledge in anatomy?”

By this time, all the examiners had espoused the opinion of one or

other of the disputants, and raised their voices altogether, when the

chairman commanded silence, and ordered me to withdraw. In less than a

quarter of an hour, I was called in again, received my qualification

scaled up, and was ordered to pay five shillings. I laid down my

half-guinea upon the table, and stood some time, until one of them bade

me begone; to this I replied, “I will when I have got my change:” upon

which another threw me five shillings and sixpence, saying, I should

not be a true Scotchman if I went away without my change. I was

afterwards obliged to give three shillings and sixpence to the beadles,

and a shilling to an old woman who swept the hall: this disbursement

sank my finances to thirteen-pence halfpenny, with which I was sneaking

off, when Jackson, perceiving it, came up to me, and begged I would

tarry for him, and he would accompany me to the other end of the town,

as soon as his examination should be over. I could not refuse this to a

person that was so much my friend; but I was astonished at the change

of his dress which was varied in half-an-hour from what I have already

described to a very grotesque fashion. His head was covered with an old

smoke tie-wig that did not boast one crooked hair, and a slouched hat

over it, which would have very well become a chimney-sweeper, or a

dustman; his neck was adorned with a black crape, the ends of which he

had twisted, and fixed in the button-hole of a shabby greatcoat that

wrapped up his whole body; his white silk stockings were converted into

black worsted hose: and his countenance was rendered venerable by

wrinkles, and a beard of his own painting. When I expressed my surprise

at this metamorphosis, he laughed, and told me it was done by the

advice and assistance of a friend, who lived over the way, and would

certainly produce something very much to his advantage; for it gave him

the appearance of age, which never fails of attracting respect. I

applauded his sagacity, and waited with impatience for the effects of

it. At length he was called in; but whether the oddness of his

appearance excited a curiosity more than small in the board, or his

behaviour was not suitable to his figure, I know not, he was discovered

to be an imposter, and put into the hands of the beadle in order to be

sent to Bridewell. So that instead of seeing him come out with a

cheerful countenance, and a surgeon’s qualification in his hand, I

perceived him led through the outer hall as a prisoner; and was very

much alarmed, and anxious to know the occasion; when he called with a

lamentable voice, and a piteous aspect to me, and some others who know

him, “For God’s sake, gentlemen bear witness that I am the same

individual John Jackson who served as surgeon’s second mate on board

the Elizabeth, or else I shall go to Bridewell!”

It would have been impossible for the most austere hermit that ever

lived to have refrained from laughing at his appearance and address: we

therefore indulged ourselves a good while at his expense, and

afterwards pleaded his cause so effectually with the beadle who was

gratified with half-a-crown, that the prisoner was dismissed, and in a

few moments renewed his former gaiety—swearing, since the board had

refused his money, he would spend every shilling before he went to bed,

in treating his friends; at the same time inviting us all to favour him

with our company. It was now ten o’clock at night, and, as I had a

great way to walk through streets that were utterly unknown to me, I

was prevailed on to be of their party, in hopes he would afterwards

accompany me to my lodgings, according to his promise. He conducted me

to his friend’s house, who kept a tavern over the way where we

continued drinking punch, until the liquor mounted up to our heads, and

made us all extremely frolicsome. I, in particular, was so much

elevated, that nothing would serve me but a wench; at which demand

Jackson expressed much joy, and assured me I should have my desire.

before we parted Accordingly, when he had paid the reckoning, we

sallied out, roaring and singing; and were conducted by our leader to a

place of nocturnal entertainment, where Mr. Jackson’s dress attracted

the assiduities of two or three nymphs, who loaded him with caresses,

in return for the arrack punch with which he treated them, till at

length sleep began to exert his power over us all, and our conductor

called “To pay.” When the bill was brought, which amounted to twelve

shillings, he put his hand in his pocket, but might have saved himself

the trouble, for his purse was gone. This accident disconcerted him a

good deal at first; but after some recollection, he seized the two

ladies who sat by him, one in each hand, and swore if they did not

immediately restore his money he would charge a constable with them.

The good lady at the bar, seeing what passed, whispered something to

the drawer, who went out; and then with great composure, asked what was

the matter? Jackson told her he was robbed, and swore if she refused

him satisfaction, he would have her and her female friends committed to

Bridewell. “Robbed!” cried she, “robbed in my house! Gentlemen and

Ladies, I take you all to witness, this person has scandalised my

reputation.” At that instant, seeing the constable and watch enter, she

proceeded “What! you must not only endeavour by your false aspersions

to ruin my character, but even commit an assault upon my family! Mr.

Constable, I charge you with this uncivil person, who has been guilty

of a riot here; I shall take care and bring an action against him for

defamation.”

While I was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me

quite sober, one of the ladies, being piqued at some repartee that

passed between us, cried, “They are all concerned!” and desired the

constable to take us all into custody; an arrest which was performed

instantly, to the utter astonishment and despair of us all, except

Jackson, who having been often in such scrapes, was very little

concerned, and charged the constable, in his turn, with the landlady

and her whole bevy; upon which we were carried altogether prisoners to

the round-house, where Jackson after a word of comfort to us, informed

the constable of his being robbed, to which he said he would swear next

morning before the justice. In a little time the constable, calling

Jackson into another room, spoke to him thus: “I perceive that you and

your company are strangers, and am very sorry for your being involved

in such an ugly business. I have known this woman a great while; she

has kept a notorious house in the neighbourhood this many years; and

although often complained of as a nuisance, still escapes through her

interest with the justices, to whom she and all of her employment pay

contribution quarterly for protection. As she charged me with you

first, her complaint will have the preference, and she can procure

evidence to swear whatsoever she shall please to desire of them; so

that, unless you can make it up before morning, you and your companions

may think yourselves happily quit for a month’s hard labour in

Bridewell. Nay, if she should swear a robbery or an assault against

you, you will be committed to Newgate and tried at the next session at

the Old Bailey for your life.” This last piece of information had such

an effect upon Jackson, that he agreed to make it up, provided his

money might be restored. The constable told him, that, instead of

retrieving what he had lost, he was pretty certain it would cost him

some more before they could come to any composition. But, however, he

had compassion on him, and would, if he pleased, sound them about a

mutual release. The unfortunate beau thanked him for his friendship,

and returning to us, acquainted us with the substance of this dialogue;

while the constable, desiring to speak in private with our adversary,

carried her into the next room, and pleaded, our cause so effectually,

that she condescended to make him umpire: he accordingly proposed an

arbitration, to which we gave our assent; and he fined each party in

three shillings, to be laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein we drowned

all animosities, to the inexpressible joy of my two late acquaintances

and me, who had been extremely uneasy ever since Jackson mentioned

Bridewell and Newgate. By the time we had finished our bowl—to which,

by the bye, I had contributed my last shilling—it was morning, and I

proposed to move homeward, when the constable gave me to understand, he

could discharge no prisoners but by order of the justice, before whom

we must appear. This renewed my chagrin, and I cursed the hour in which

I had yielded to Jackson’s invitation.

About nine o’clock, we were escorted to the house of a certain justice

not many miles distant from Covent Garden, who no sooner saw the

constable enter with a train of prisoners at his heels, than he saluted

him as follows: “So Mr. Constable, you are a diligent man. What den of

rogues have you been scouring?” Then looking at us, who appeared very

much dejected, he continued: “Ay, ay, thieves. I see—old offenders; oh,

your humble servant, Mrs. Harridan! I suppose these fellows have been

taken robbing your house. Yes, yes, here’s an old acquaintance of mine.

You have used expedition,” said he to me, “in returning from

transportation; but we shall save you that trouble for the future—the

surgeons will fetch you from your next transportation, at their

expense.” I assured his worship he was mistaken in me, for he had never

seen me in his life before. To this declaration he replied, “How! you

impudent rascal, dare you say so to my face? Do you think I am to be

imposed upon by that northern accent, which you have assumed? But it

shan’t avail you—you shall find me too far north for you. Here, clerk,

write this fellow’s mittimus. His name is Patrick Gaghagan.” Here Mr.

Jackson interposed, and told him I was a Scotchman lately come to town,

descended of a good family, and that my name was Random. The justice

looked upon this assertion as an outrage upon his memory, on which he

valued himself exceedingly; and strutting up to Jackson, with a fierce

countenance, put his hands in his side, and said, “Who are you, sir? Do

you give me the lie? Take notice, gentlemen, here’s a fellow who

affronts me upon the bench but I’ll lay you fast, sirrah, I will—for

notwithstanding your laced jacket, I believe you are a notorious

felon.” My friend was so much abashed at this menace, which was

thundered out with great vociferation, that he changed colour, and

remained speechless. This confusion his worship took for a symptom of

guilt, and, to complete the discovery, continued his threats, “Now, I

am convinced you are a thief—your face discovers it, you tremble all

over, your conscience won’t lie still—you’ll be hanged, sirrah,”

raising his voice, “you’ll be hanged; and happy had it been for the

world, as well as for your own miserable soul, if you had been

detected, and cut off in the beginning of your career. Come hither,

clerk, and take this man’s confession.” I was in an agony of

consternation, when the constable, going into another room with his

worship, acquainted him with the truth of the story; which having

learned, he returned with a smiling countenance, and, addressing

himself to us all, said it was always his way to terrify young people

when they came before him, that his threats might make a strong

impression on their minds, and deter them from engaging in scenes of

riot and debauchery, which commonly ended before the judge. Thus,

having cloaked his own want of discernment under the disguise of

paternal care, we were dismissed, and I found myself as much lightened

as if a mountain had been lifted off my breast.