CHAPTER I

Of my Birth and Parentage

I was born in the northern part of this united kingdom, in the house of

my grandfather, a gentleman of considerable fortune and influence, who

had on many occasions signalised himself in behalf of his country; and

was remarkable for his abilities in the law, which he exercised with

great success in the station of a judge, particularly against beggars,

for whom he had a singular aversion.

My father (his youngest son) falling in love with a poor relation, who

lived with the old gentleman in quality of a housekeeper, espoused her

privately; and I was the first fruit of that marriage. During her

pregnancy, a dream discomposed my mother so much that her husband,

tired with her importunity, at last consulted a highland seer, whose

favourable interpretation he would have secured beforehand by a bribe,

but found him incorruptible. She dreamed she was delivered of a

tennis-ball, which the devil (who, to her great surprise, acted the

part of a midwife) struck so forcibly with a racket that it disappeared

in an instant; and she was for some time inconsolable for the lost of

her offspring; when, all on a sudden, she beheld it return with equal

violence, and enter the earth, beneath her feet, whence immediately

sprang up a goodly tree covered with blossoms, the scent of which

operated so strongly on her nerves that she awoke. The attentive sage,

after some deliberation, assured my parents, that their firstborn would

be a great traveller; that he would undergo many dangers and

difficulties, and at last return to his native land, where he would

flourish in happiness and reputation. How truly this was foretold will

appear in the sequel. It was not long before some officious person

informed my grandfather of certain familiarities that passed between

his son and housekeeper which alarmed him so much that, a few days

after, he told my father it was high time for him to think of settling;

and that he had provided a match for him, to which he could in justice

have no objections. My father, finding it would be impossible to

conceal his situation much longer, frankly owned what he had done; and

excused himself for not having asked the consent of his father, by

saying, he knew it would have been to no purpose; and that, had his

inclination been known, my grandfather might have taken such measures

as would have effectually put the gratification of it out of his power:

he added, that no exceptions could be taken to his wife’s virtue,

birth, beauty, and good sense, and as for fortune, it was beneath his

care. The old gentleman, who kept all his passions, except one, in

excellent order, heard him to an end with great temper, and then calmly

asked, how he proposed to maintain himself and spouse? He replied, he

could be in no danger of wanting while his father’s tenderness

remained, which he and his wife should always cultivate with the utmost

veneration; and he was persuaded his allowance would be suitable to the

dignity and circumstances of his family, and to the provision already

made for his brothers and sisters, who were happily settled under his

protection. “Your brothers and sisters,” said my grandfather, “did not

think it beneath them to consult me in an affair of such importance as

matrimony; neither, I suppose, would you have omitted that piece of

duty, had you not some secret fund in reserve; to the comforts of which

I leave you, with a desire that you will this night seek out another

habitation for yourself and wife, whither, in a short time, I will send

you an account of the expense I have been at in your education, with a

view of being reimbursed. Sir, you have made the grand tour—you are a

polite gentleman—a very pretty gentleman—I wish you a great deal of

joy, and am your very humble servant.”

So saying, he left my father in a situation easily imagined. However,

he did not long hesitate; for, being perfectly well acquainted with his

father’s disposition, he did not doubt that he was glad of this

pretence to get rid of him; and his resolves being as invariable as the

laws of the Medes and Persians, he knew it would be to no purpose to

attempt him by prayers and entreaties; so without any farther

application, he betook himself, with his disconsolate bedfellow to a

farm-house, where an old servant of his mother dwelt: there they

remained some time in a situation but ill adapted to the elegance of

their desires and tenderness of their love; which nevertheless my

father chose to endure, rather than supplicate an unnatural and

inflexible parent but my mother, foreseeing the inconveniences to which

she must have been exposed, had she been delivered in this place (and

her pregnancy was very far advanced), without communicating her design

to her husband, went in disguise to the house of my grandfather, hoping

that her tears and condition would move him to compassion, and

reconcile him to an event which was now irrecoverably past.

She found means to deceive the servants, and get introduced as an

unfortunate lady, who wanted to complain of some matrimonial

grievances, it being my grandfather’s particular province to decide in

all cases of scandal. She was accordingly admitted into his presence,

where, discovering herself, she fell at his feet, and in the most

affecting manner implored his forgiveness; at the same time

representing the danger that threatened not only her life, but that of

his own grandchild, which was about to see the light. He told her he

was sorry that the indiscretion of her and his son had compelled him to

make a vow, which put it out of his power to give them any assistance;

that he had already imparted his thoughts on that subject to her

husband, and was surprised that they should disturb his peace with any

farther importunity. This said, he retired.

The violence of my mother’s affliction had such an effect on her

constitution that she was immediately seized with the pains of

childbed; and had not an old maidservant, to whom she was very dear,

afforded her pity and assistance, at the hazard of incurring my

grandfather’s displeasure, she and the innocent fruit of her womb must

have fallen miserable victims to his rigour and inhumanity. By the

friendship of this poor woman she was carried up to a garret, and

immediately delivered of a man child, the story of whose unfortunate

birth he himself now relates. My father, being informed of what had

happened, flew to the embraces of his darling spouse, and while he

loaded his offspring with paternal embraces, could not forbear shedding

a flood of tears on beholding the dear partner of his heart (for whose

ease he would have sacrificed the treasures of the east) stretched upon

a flock bed, in a miserable apartment, unable to protect her from the

inclemencies of the weather. It is not to be supposed that the old

gentleman was ignorant of what passed, though he affected to know

nothing of the matter, and pretended to be very much surprised, when

one of his grandchildren, by his eldest son deceased, who lived with

him as his heir apparent, acquainted him with the affair; he determined

therefore to observe no medium, but immediately (on the third day after

her delivery) sent her a peremptory order to be gone, and turned off

the servant who had preserved her life. This behaviour so exasperated

my father that he had recourse to the most dreadful imprecations; and

on his bare knees implored that Heaven would renounce him if ever he

should forget or forgive the barbarity of his sire.

The injuries which this unhappy mother received from her removal in

such circumstances, and the want of necessaries where she lodged,

together with her grief and anxiety of mind, soon threw her into a

languishing disorder, which put an end to her life. My father, who

loved her tenderly, was so affected with her death that he remained six

weeks deprived of his senses; during which time, the people where he

lodged carried the infant to the old man who relented so far, on

hearing the melancholy story of his daughter-in-law’s death, and the

deplorable condition of his son, as to send the child to nurse, and he

ordered my father to be carried home to his house, where he soon

recovered the use of his reason.

Whether this hardhearted judge felt any remorse for his cruel treatment

of his son and daughter, or (which is more probable) was afraid his

character would suffer in the neighbourhood, he professed great sorrow

for his conduct to my father, whose delirium was succeeded by a

profound melancholy and reserve. At length he disappeared, and,

notwithstanding all imaginable inquiry, could not be heard of; a

circumstance which confirmed most people in the opinion of his having

made away with himself in a fit of despair. How I understood the

particulars of my birth will appear in the course of these memoirs.