CHAPTER XX

I am assaulted and dangerously wounded—suspect O’Donnell, and am

confirmed in my opinion—concert a scheme of revenge, and put it into

execution—O’Donnell robs his own servant and disappears—make my

addresses to a lady, and am miraculously delivered from her snare

One night, at about twelve o’clock, as I returned from visiting a

patient at Chelsea, I received a blow on my head from an unseen hand,

that stretched me senseless on the ground; and was left for dead with

three stabs of a sword in my body. The groans I uttered when I

recovered the use of my reason alarmed the people of a solitary

alehouse that stood near the spot where I lay: and they were humane

enough to take me in, and send for a surgeon, who dressed my wounds,

and assured me they were not mortal. One of them penetrated through the

skin and muscles of one side of my belly in such a manner, that

doubtless the assassin imagined he had run me through the entrails. The

second slanted along one of my ribs; and the last, which was intended

for the finishing stroke, having been directed to my heart, the sword

snapped upon my breast-bone, and the point remained sticking in the

skin. When I reflected upon this event, I could not persuade myself

that I had been assaulted by a common footpad, because it is not usual

for such people to murder though they rob, especially when they meet

with no resistance; and I found my money, and everything else about me

but my carcase, safe. I concluded, therefore, that I must either have

been mistaken for another, or obliged to the private resentment of some

secret enemy for what had happened; and as I could remember nobody who

had the least cause of complaint against me, except Captain O’Donnell

and my master’s daughter, my suspicion settled upon them, though I took

care to conceal it, that I might the sooner arrive at confirmation.

With this view, I went home in the chair about ten o’clock in the

morning; and as the chairman supported me into the house, met the

captain in the passage, who no sooner saw me than he started back and

gave evident signs of guilty confusion, which he would have accounted

for from surprise occasioned by the seeing me in such a condition. My

master having heard my story, condoled me with a good deal of sympathy,

and when he understood my wounds were not dangerous, ordered me to be

carried upstairs to bed; though not without some opposition from his

wife, who was of opinion that it would be better for me to go to an

hospital, where I should be more carefully attended. My meditation was

employed in concerting with myself some method of revenge against

Squire O’Donnell and his inamorata, whom I looked upon as the author of

my misfortune; when miss, who was not at home at my arrival, entered my

chamber, and saying she was sorry for the accident that had befallen

me, asked if I suspected anybody to be the assassin; upon which I fixed

my eyes steadfastly upon her and answered, “Yes.” She discovered no

symptom of confusion, but replied hastily, “If that be the case, why

don’t you take out a warrant, to have him apprehended? It will cost but

a trifle—if you have no money, I’ll lend you.” This frankness not only

cured me of my suspicion with respect to her, but even staggered my

belief with regard to the captain, of whose guilt I resolved to have

further proof before I should enterprise anything in the way of

revenge. I thanked her kindly for her generous offer, which, however, I

had no occasion to accept, being determined to do nothing rashly: for

though I could plainly perceive the person who attacked me to be a

soldier, whose face I thought was familiar to me, I could not swear

with a safe conscience to any particular man; and, granting I could, my

prosecution of him would not much avail.

This uncertainty I pretended, lest the captain, hearing from her that I

knew the person who wounded me, might think proper to withdraw before I

could be in a condition to requite him. In two days I was up and able

to do a little business, so that Mr. Lavement made shift to carry on

his practice without hiring another journeyman in my room.

The first thing I attempted towards a certain discovery of my secret

enemy, was to get into O’Donnell’s apartment, while he was abroad in an

undress, and examine his sword, the point of which being broken off, I

applied the fragment that was found sticking in my body, and found it

answered the fractured part exactly. There was no room left for doubt;

and all that remained was to fix upon a scheme of revenge, which almost

solely engrossed my thoughts during the space of eight nights and days.

Sometimes I was tempted to fall upon him in the same manner as he had

practised upon me, and kill him outright. But this assault my honour

opposed as a piece of barbarous cowardice, in which he was not to be

imitated. At other times I entertained thoughts of demanding

satisfaction in an honourable way; but was diverted from this

undertaking by considering the uncertainty of the event, and the nature

of the injury he had done me, which did not entitle him to such easy

terms. At last I determined to pursue a middle course, and actually put

my design in execution after this manner. Having secured the assistance

of Strap and two of his acquaintance whom he could depend upon, we

provided ourselves with disguises, and I caused the following letter to

be delivered to him by one of our associates in livery, one Sunday

evening:—

“Sir—If I may be allowed to judge from appearance, it will not be

disagreeable for you to hear that my husband is gone to Bagshot to

visit a patient, and will not return till to-morrow night; so that, if

you have anything to propose to me (as your behaviour on many occasions

has seemed to insinuate), you will do well to embrace the present

opportunity of seeing,

Yours, etc.”

This letter was signed with the name of an apothecary’s wife who lived

in Chelsea, of whom I had heard O’Donnell was an admirer. Everything

succeeded to our wish. The hero hastened towards the place of

appointment, and was encountered by us in the very place where he had

assaulted me. We rushed upon him all at once, secured his sword,

stripped off his clothes even to the skin, which was scourged with

nettles till he was blistered from head to foot, notwithstanding all

the eloquence of his tears and supplications. When I was satisfied with

the stripes I had bestowed, we carried off his clothes, which we hid in

a hedge near the place, and left him stark naked to find his way home

in the best manner he could, while I took care to be there before him.

I afterwards understood that, in his way to the lodgings of a friend,

who lived in the skirts of the town, he was picked up by the watch, who

carried him to the round-house, from whence he sent for clothes to his

lodgings, and next morning arrived at the door in a chair, wrapt up in

a blanket he had borrowed; for his body was so sore and swelled, that

he could not bear to be confined in his wearing apparel. He was treated

with the utmost tenderness by my mistress and her daughter, who vied

with each other in their care and attendance of him; but Lavement

himself could not forbear expressing his joy, by several malicious

grins, while he ordered me to prepare an unguent for his sores. As to

myself, nobody can doubt my gratification, when I had every day an

opportunity of seeing my revenge protracted on the body of my

adversary, by the ulcers of which I had been the cause; and, indeed, I

not only enjoyed the satisfaction of having flea’d him alive, but

another also which I had not foreseen. The story of his being attacked

and stripped in such a place having been inserted in the news, gave

information to those who found his clothes next day, whither to bring

them; and accordingly he retrieved everything he had lost except a few

letters, among which was that which I had writ to him in the name of

the apothecary’s wife. This, and the others, which were all on the

subject of love (for this Hibernian hero was one of those people who

are called fortune-hunters), fell into the hands of a certain female

author, famous for the scandal she has published; who, after having

embellished them with some ornaments of her own invention, gave them to

the to town in print. I was very much shocked on reflection, that I

might possibly be the occasion of a whole family’s unhappiness on

account of the letter I had written; but was eased of that

apprehension, when I understood that the Chelsea apothecary had

commenced a lawsuit against the printer for defamation, and looked upon

the whole as a piece of forgery committed by the author, who had

disappeared. But whatever might be his opinion of the matter, our two

ladies seemed to entertain a different idea of it: for as soon as the

pamphlet appeared, I could perceive their care of their patient

considerably diminish, till at last it ended in a total neglect. It was

impossible for him to be ignorant of this change, any more than of the

occasion of it; but as he was conscious to himself of having deserved

worse than contempt at their hands, he was glad to come off so cheaply,

and contented himself with muttering curses and threats against the

apothecary, who, as he imagined, having got an inkling of the

appointment with his wife, had taken revenge of him in the manner

described. By the time he had got a new scarf skin his character was

become so notorious, that he thought it high time for him to decamp;

and his retreat he performed in one night, without beat of drum, after

having robbed his own servant of everything that belonged to him except

the clothes he had on his back.

A few days after he disappeared, Mr. Lavement, for his own security,

took into his custody a large old trunk which he had left; and as it

was very heavy, made no question that the contents were sufficient to

indemnify him for what O’Donnell owed in lodging. But a month being

elapsed without hearing any tidings of this adventurer, and my master

being impatient to know what the trunk contained, he ordered me to

break it open in his presence, which task I performed with the pestle

of our great mortar, and discovered, to his inexpressible astonishment

and mortification, a heap of stones.

About this time, my friend Strap informed me of an offer he had to go

abroad with a gentleman in quality of valet de chambre and at the same

time assured me that, whatever advantage he might propose to himself

from this prospect, he could not bear the thoughts of parting from me,

so much was he attached to my fortune. In spite of all the obligations

I owed to this poor, honest fellow, ingratitude is so natural to the

heart of man, that I began to be tired of his acquaintance: and now

that I had contracted other friendships which appeared more creditable,

was even ashamed to see a journeyman barber inquiring after me with the

familiarity of a companion. I therefore, on pretence of consulting his

welfare, insisted upon his accepting the proposal, which he at last

determined to embrace, with great reluctance, and in a few days, took

his leave of me, shedding a flood of tears, which I could not behold

without emotion. I now began to look upon me as of a gentleman in

reality; learned to dance, frequented plays during the holidays; became

the oracle of an ale-house, where every dispute was referred to my

decision; and at length contracted an acquaintance with a young lady,

who found means to make a conquest of my heart, and upon whom I

prevailed, after much attendance and solicitation, to give me a promise

of marriage. As this beautiful creature passed for a rich heiress, I

blessed my good fortune, and was actually on the point of crowning all

my wishes by matrimony, when I made such a discovery as effectually

turned me from my design, and I abandoned all thoughts of marriage for

the future.