CHAPTER V

The Schoolmaster uses me barbarously—I form a Project of Revenge, in

which I am assisted by my Uncle—I leave the Village—am settled at a

University by his Generosity

On our way back to the village, my uncle spoke not a word during the

space of a whole hour, but whistled with great vehemence the tune of

“Why should we quarrel for riches,” etc. his visage being contracted

all the while into a most formidable frown. At length his pace

increased to such a degree that I was left behind a considerable way:

then he waited for me; and when I was almost up with him, called out in

a surly tone, “Bear a hand, damme! must I bring to every minute for

you, you lazy dog.” Then, laying hold of me by the arm, hauled me

along, until his good nature (of which he had a great share) and

reflection getting the better of his he said, “Come, my boy, don’t be

cast down,—the old rascal is in hell, that’s some satisfaction; you

shall go to sea with me, my lad. A light heart and a thin pair of

breeches goes through the world, brave boys, as the song goes—eh!”

Though this proposal did not at all suit my inclination, I was afraid

of discovering my aversion to it, lest I should disoblige the only

friend I had in the world; and he was so much a seaman that he never

dreamt I could have had any objection to his design; consequently gave

himself no trouble in consulting my approbation. But this resolution

was soon dropped, by the device of our usher, who assured Mr. Bowling,

it would be a thousand pities to balk my genius, which would certainly

one day make my fortune on shore, provided it received due cultivation.

Upon which, this generous tar determined (though he could ill afford

it) to give me university education; and accordingly settled my board

and other expenses, at a town not many miles distant, famous for its

colleges, whither we repaired in a short time. But, before the day of

our departure, the schoolmaster, who no longer had the fear of my

grandfather before his eyes, laid aside all decency and restraint, and

not only abused me in the grossest language his rancour could suggest,

as a wicked, profligate, dull, beggarly miscreant, whom he had taught

out of charity; but also inveighed in the most bitter manner against

the memory of the judge (who by the by had procured that settlement for

him), hinting, in pretty plain terms, that the old gentleman’s soul was

damned to all eternity for his injustice in neglecting to pay for my

learning.

This brutal behaviour, added to the sufferings I had formerly undergone

made me think it high time to be revenged on this insolent pedagogue.

Having consulted my adherents, I found them all staunch in their

promises to stand by me; and our scheme was this:—In the afternoon

preceding to the day of our departure for the University, I resolved to

take the advantage of the usher’s going out to make water (which he

regularly did at four o’clock), and shut the great door, that he might

not come to the assistance of his superior. This being done, the

assault was to be begun by my advancing to my master and spitting in

his face. I was to be seconded by two of the strongest boys in the

school, who were devoted to me; their business was to join me in

dragging the tyrant to a bench, over which he was to be laid, and his

bare posteriors heartily flogged, with his own birch, which we proposed

to wrest from him in his struggle; but if we should find him too many

for us all three, we were to demand the assistance of our competitors,

who should be ready to enforce us, or oppose anything that might be

undertaken for the master’s relief. One of my principal assistants was

called Jeremy Gawky, son and heir of a wealthy gentleman in the

neighbourhood; and the name of the other, Hugh Strap, the cadet of a

family which had given shoemakers to the village time out of mind. I

had once saved Gawky’s life, by plunging into a river and dragging him

on shore, when he was on the point of being drowned. I had often

rescued him from the clutches of those whom his insufferable arrogance

had provoked to a resentment he was not able to sustain; and many times

saved his reputation and posteriors, by performing his exercises at

school; so that it is not to be wondered at, if he had a particular

regard for me and my interests. The attachment of Strap flowed from a

voluntary, disinterested inclination, which had manifested itself on

many occasions in my behalf, he having once rendered me the same

service that I had rendered Gawky, by saving my life at the risk of his

own; and often fathered offences that I had committed, for which he

suffered severely, rather than I should feel the weight of the

punishment. These two champions were the more willing to engage in this

enterprise, because they intended to leave the school next day, as well

as I; the first being ordered by his father to return into the country,

and the other being bound apprentice to his barber, at a market town

not far off.

In the meantime, my uncle, being informed of my master’s behaviour to

me, was enraged at his insolence, and vowed revenge so heartily that I

could not refrain from telling him the scheme I had concerted, while he

heard with great satisfaction, at every sentence squirting out a

mouthful of spittle, tinctured with tobacco, of which he constantly

chewed a large quid. At last, pulling up his breeches, he cried, “No,

no, z—ds! that won’t do neither; howsoever, ’tis a bold undertaking, my

lad, that I must say, i’faith; but lookee, lookee, how do you propose

to get clear off—won’t the enemy give chase, my boy?—ay, ay, that he

will, I warrant, and alarm the whole coast; ah! God help thee, more

sail than ballast, Rory. Let me alone for that—leave the whole to me.

I’ll show him the foretopsail, I will. If so be your shipmates are

jolly boys, and won’t flinch, you shall see, you shall see; egad, I’ll

play him such a salt-water trick I’ll bring him to the gangway and

anoint him with a cat-and-nine-tails; he shall have a round dozen

doubled, my lad, he shall—and be left lashed to his meditations.” We

were very proud of our associate, who immediately went to work, and

prepared the instrument of his revenge with great skill and expedition;

after which, he ordered our baggage to be packed up and sent off, a day

before our attempt, and got horses ready to be mounted, as soon as the

affair should be over. At length the hour arrived, when our auxiliary,

seizing the opportunity of the usher’s absence, bolted in, secured the

door, and immediately laid hold of the pedant by his collar who bawled

out, “Murder, Thieves,” with the voice of a Stentor. Though I trembled

all over like an aspen leaf, I knew there was no time to be lost, and

accordingly got up, and summoned our associates to our assistance.

Strap, without any hesitation, obeyed the signal, and seeing me leap

upon the master’s back, ran immediately to one of his legs, which

pulling with all his force, this dreadful adversary was humbled to the

ground; upon which Gawky, who had hitherto remained in his place, under

the influence of a universal trepidation, hastened to the scene of

action, and insulted the fallen tyrant with a loud huzza, in which the

whole school joined. The noise alarmed the usher, who, finding himself

shut out, endeavoured, partly by threats and partly by entreaties, to

procure admission. My uncle bade him have a little patience, and he

would let him in presently; but if he pretended to stir from that

place, it should fare the worse with the son of a bitch his superior,

on whom he intended only to bestow a little wholesome chastisement, for

his barbarous usage of Rory, “to which,” said he, “you are no

stranger.” By this time we had dragged the criminal to a post, to which

Bowling tied him with a rope he had provided on purpose; after having

secured his hands and stripped his back. In this ludicrous posture he

stood (to the no small entertainment of the boys, who crowded about

him, and shouted with great exultation at the novelty of the sight),

venting bitter imprecations against the lieutenant, and reproaching his

scholars with treachery and rebellion; when the usher was admitted,

whom my uncle accosted in this manner: “Harkee, Mr. Syntax, I believe

you are an honest man, d’ye see—and I have a respect for you—but for

all that, we must, for our own security, d’ye see, belay you for a

short time.” With these words, he pulled out some fathoms of cord,

which the honest man no sooner saw than he protested with great

earnestness he would allow no violence to be offered to him, at the

same time accusing me of perfidy and ingratitude. But Bowling

representing that it was in vain to resist, and that he did not mean to

use him with violence and indecency, but only to hinder him from

raising the hue and cry against us before we should be out of their

power, he allowed himself to be bound to his own desk, where he sat a

spectator of the punishment inflicted on his principal. My uncle,

having upbraided this arbitrary wretch with his inhumanity to me, told

him, that he proposed to give him a little discipline for the good of

his soul, which he immediately put in practice, with great vigour and

dexterity. This smart application to the pedant’s withered posteriors

gave him such exquisite pain that he roared like a mad bull, danced,

cursed, and blasphemed, like a frantic bedlamite. When the lieutenant

thought himself sufficiently revenged, he took his leave of him in

these words: “Now, friend, you’ll remember me the longest day you have

to live; I have given you a lesson that will let you know what flogging

is, and teach you to have more sympathy for the future. Shout, boys,

shout!”

This ceremony was no sooner over than my uncle proposed they should

quit the school, and convey their old comrade Rory to the public-house,

about a mile from the village, where he would treat them all. His offer

being joyfully embraced, he addressed himself to Mr. Syntax, and begged

him to accompany us; but this invitation he refused with great disdain,

telling my benefactor he was not the man he took him to be. “Well,

well, old surly,” replied my uncle, shaking his hand, “thou art an

honest fellow notwithstanding; and if ever I have the command of a

ship, thou shalt be our schoolmaster, i’faith.” So saying he dismissed

the boys, and locking the door, left the two preceptors to console one

another; while we moved forwards on our journey, attended by a numerous

retinue, whom he treated according to his promise.

We parted with many tears, and lay that night at an inn on the road,

about ten miles short of the town where I was to remain, at which we

arrived next day, and I found I had no cause to complain of the

accommodations provided for me, in being boarded at the house of an

apothecary, who had married a distant relation of my mother. In a few

days after, my uncle set out for his ship, having settled the necessary

funds for my maintenance and education.