BOOK II

I will now call to mind my past foulness, and the carnal corruptions of

my soul; not because I love them, but that I may love Thee, O my God.

For love of Thy love I do it; reviewing my most wicked ways in the very

bitterness of my remembrance, that Thou mayest grow sweet unto me (Thou

sweetness never failing, Thou blissful and assured sweetness); and

gathering me again out of that my dissipation, wherein I was torn

piecemeal, while turned from Thee, the One Good, I lost myself among a

multiplicity of things. For I even burnt in my youth heretofore, to be

satiated in things below; and I dared to grow wild again, with these

various and shadowy loves: my beauty consumed away, and I stank in Thine

eyes; pleasing myself, and desirous to please in the eyes of men.

And what was it that I delighted in, but to love, and be loved? but

I kept not the measure of love, of mind to mind, friendship's bright

boundary: but out of the muddy concupiscence of the flesh, and the

bubblings of youth, mists fumed up which beclouded and overcast my

heart, that I could not discern the clear brightness of love from the

fog of lustfulness. Both did confusedly boil in me, and hurried my

unstayed youth over the precipice of unholy desires, and sunk me in a

gulf of flagitiousnesses. Thy wrath had gathered over me, and I knew it

not. I was grown deaf by the clanking of the chain of my mortality, the

punishment of the pride of my soul, and I strayed further from Thee,

and Thou lettest me alone, and I was tossed about, and wasted, and

dissipated, and I boiled over in my fornications, and Thou heldest Thy

peace, O Thou my tardy joy! Thou then heldest Thy peace, and I wandered

further and further from Thee, into more and more fruitless seed-plots

of sorrows, with a proud dejectedness, and a restless weariness.

Oh! that some one had then attempered my disorder, and turned to account

the fleeting beauties of these, the extreme points of Thy creation! had

put a bound to their pleasureableness, that so the tides of my youth

might have cast themselves upon the marriage shore, if they could not be

calmed, and kept within the object of a family, as Thy law prescribes,

O Lord: who this way formest the offspring of this our death, being

able with a gentle hand to blunt the thorns which were excluded from Thy

paradise? For Thy omnipotency is not far from us, even when we be far

from Thee. Else ought I more watchfully to have heeded the voice from

the clouds: Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh, but I

spare you. And it is good for a man not to touch a woman. And, he that

is unmarried thinketh of the things of the Lord, how he may please the

Lord; but he that is married careth for the things of this world, how he

may please his wife.

To these words I should have listened more attentively, and being

severed for the kingdom of heaven's sake, had more happily awaited Thy

embraces; but I, poor wretch, foamed like a troubled sea, following the

rushing of my own tide, forsaking Thee, and exceeded all Thy limits; yet

I escaped not Thy scourges. For what mortal can? For Thou wert ever with

me mercifully rigorous, and besprinkling with most bitter alloy all my

unlawful pleasures: that I might seek pleasures without alloy. But where

to find such, I could not discover, save in Thee, O Lord, who teachest

by sorrow, and woundest us, to heal; and killest us, lest we die from

Thee. Where was I, and how far was I exiled from the delights of Thy

house, in that sixteenth year of the age of my flesh, when the madness

of lust (to which human shamelessness giveth free licence, though

unlicensed by Thy laws) took the rule over me, and I resigned myself

wholly to it? My friends meanwhile took no care by marriage to save my

fall; their only care was that I should learn to speak excellently, and

be a persuasive orator.

For that year were my studies intermitted: whilst after my return from

Madaura (a neighbour city, whither I had journeyed to learn grammar and

rhetoric), the expenses for a further journey to Carthage were being

provided for me; and that rather by the resolution than the means of my

father, who was but a poor freeman of Thagaste. To whom tell I this? not

to Thee, my God; but before Thee to mine own kind, even to that small

portion of mankind as may light upon these writings of mine. And to what

purpose? that whosoever reads this, may think out of what depths we are

to cry unto Thee. For what is nearer to Thine ears than a confessing

heart, and a life of faith? Who did not extol my father, for that beyond

the ability of his means, he would furnish his son with all necessaries

for a far journey for his studies' sake? For many far abler citizens

did no such thing for their children. But yet this same father had no

concern how I grew towards Thee, or how chaste I were; so that I were

but copious in speech, however barren I were to Thy culture, O God, who

art the only true and good Lord of Thy field, my heart.

But while in that my sixteenth year I lived with my parents, leaving all

school for a while (a season of idleness being interposed through the

narrowness of my parents' fortunes), the briers of unclean desires grew

rank over my head, and there was no hand to root them out. When that my

father saw me at the baths, now growing towards manhood, and endued

with a restless youthfulness, he, as already hence anticipating his

descendants, gladly told it to my mother; rejoicing in that tumult of

the senses wherein the world forgetteth Thee its Creator, and becometh

enamoured of Thy creature, instead of Thyself, through the fumes of that

invisible wine of its self-will, turning aside and bowing down to the

very basest things. But in my mother's breast Thou hadst already begun

Thy temple, and the foundation of Thy holy habitation, whereas my

father was as yet but a Catechumen, and that but recently. She then was

startled with a holy fear and trembling; and though I was not as yet

baptised, feared for me those crooked ways in which they walk who turn

their back to Thee, and not their face.

Woe is me! and dare I say that Thou heldest Thy peace, O my God, while I

wandered further from Thee? Didst Thou then indeed hold Thy peace to me?

And whose but Thine were these words which by my mother, Thy faithful

one, Thou sangest in my ears? Nothing whereof sunk into my heart, so as

to do it. For she wished, and I remember in private with great anxiety

warned me, "not to commit fornication; but especially never to defile

another man's wife." These seemed to me womanish advices, which I should

blush to obey. But they were Thine, and I knew it not: and I thought

Thou wert silent and that it was she who spake; by whom Thou wert not

silent unto me; and in her wast despised by me, her son, the son of Thy

handmaid, Thy servant. But I knew it not; and ran headlong with such

blindness, that amongst my equals I was ashamed of a less shamelessness,

when I heard them boast of their flagitiousness, yea, and the more

boasting, the more they were degraded: and I took pleasure, not only in

the pleasure of the deed, but in the praise. What is worthy of dispraise

but vice? But I made myself worse than I was, that I might not be

dispraised; and when in any thing I had not sinned as the abandoned

ones, I would say that I had done what I had not done, that I might not

seem contemptible in proportion as I was innocent; or of less account,

the more chaste.

Behold with what companions I walked the streets of Babylon, and

wallowed in the mire thereof, as if in a bed of spices and precious

ointments. And that I might cleave the faster to its very centre, the

invisible enemy trod me down, and seduced me, for that I was easy to be

seduced. Neither did the mother of my flesh (who had now fled out of

the centre of Babylon, yet went more slowly in the skirts thereof as

she advised me to chastity, so heed what she had heard of me from her

husband, as to restrain within the bounds of conjugal affection, if it

could not be pared away to the quick) what she felt to be pestilent

at present and for the future dangerous. She heeded not this, for she

feared lest a wife should prove a clog and hindrance to my hopes. Not

those hopes of the world to come, which my mother reposed in Thee; but

the hope of learning, which both my parents were too desirous I should

attain; my father, because he had next to no thought of Thee, and of

me but vain conceits; my mother, because she accounted that those

usual courses of learning would not only be no hindrance, but even some

furtherance towards attaining Thee. For thus I conjecture, recalling, as

well as I may, the disposition of my parents. The reins, meantime, were

slackened to me, beyond all temper of due severity, to spend my time in

sport, yea, even unto dissoluteness in whatsoever I affected. And in all

was a mist, intercepting from me, O my God, the brightness of Thy truth;

and mine iniquity burst out as from very fatness.

Theft is punished by Thy law, O Lord, and the law written in the hearts

of men, which iniquity itself effaces not. For what thief will abide a

thief? not even a rich thief, one stealing through want. Yet I lusted to

thieve, and did it, compelled by no hunger, nor poverty, but through a

cloyedness of well-doing, and a pamperedness of iniquity. For I stole

that, of which I had enough, and much better. Nor cared I to enjoy what

I stole, but joyed in the theft and sin itself. A pear tree there was

near our vineyard, laden with fruit, tempting neither for colour nor

taste. To shake and rob this, some lewd young fellows of us went, late

one night (having according to our pestilent custom prolonged our sports

in the streets till then), and took huge loads, not for our eating, but

to fling to the very hogs, having only tasted them. And this, but to

do what we liked only, because it was misliked. Behold my heart, O

God, behold my heart, which Thou hadst pity upon in the bottom of the

bottomless pit. Now, behold, let my heart tell Thee what it sought

there, that I should be gratuitously evil, having no temptation to ill,

but the ill itself. It was foul, and I loved it; I loved to perish,

I loved mine own fault, not that for which I was faulty, but my fault

itself. Foul soul, falling from Thy firmament to utter destruction; not

seeking aught through the shame, but the shame itself!

For there is an attractiveness in beautiful bodies, in gold and silver,

and all things; and in bodily touch, sympathy hath much influence, and

each other sense hath his proper object answerably tempered. Worldy

honour hath also its grace, and the power of overcoming, and of mastery;

whence springs also the thirst of revenge. But yet, to obtain all these,

we may not depart from Thee, O Lord, nor decline from Thy law. The life

also which here we live hath its own enchantment, through a certain

proportion of its own, and a correspondence with all things beautiful

here below. Human friendship also is endeared with a sweet tie, by

reason of the unity formed of many souls. Upon occasion of all these,

and the like, is sin committed, while through an immoderate inclination

towards these goods of the lowest order, the better and higher are

forsaken,--Thou, our Lord God, Thy truth, and Thy law. For these lower

things have their delights, but not like my God, who made all things;

for in Him doth the righteous delight, and He is the joy of the upright

in heart.

When, then, we ask why a crime was done, we believe it not, unless it

appear that there might have been some desire of obtaining some of those

which we called lower goods, or a fear of losing them. For they are

beautiful and comely; although compared with those higher and beatific

goods, they be abject and low. A man hath murdered another; why? he

loved his wife or his estate; or would rob for his own livelihood; or

feared to lose some such things by him; or, wronged, was on fire to be

revenged. Would any commit murder upon no cause, delighted simply in

murdering? who would believe it? for as for that furious and savage man,

of whom it is said that he was gratuitously evil and cruel, yet is the

cause assigned; "lest" (saith he) "through idleness hand or heart should

grow inactive." And to what end? that, through that practice of guilt,

he might, having taken the city, attain to honours, empire, riches, and

be freed from fear of the laws, and his embarrassments from domestic

needs, and consciousness of villainies. So then, not even Catiline

himself loved his own villainies, but something else, for whose sake he

did them.

What then did wretched I so love in thee, thou theft of mine, thou deed

of darkness, in that sixteenth year of my age? Lovely thou wert not,

because thou wert theft. But art thou any thing, that thus I speak to

thee? Fair were the pears we stole, because they were Thy creation, Thou

fairest of all, Creator of all, Thou good God; God, the sovereign good

and my true good. Fair were those pears, but not them did my wretched

soul desire; for I had store of better, and those I gathered, only that

I might steal. For, when gathered, I flung them away, my only feast

therein being my own sin, which I was pleased to enjoy. For if aught

of those pears came within my mouth, what sweetened it was the sin.

And now, O Lord my God, I enquire what in that theft delighted me; and

behold it hath no loveliness; I mean not such loveliness as in justice

and wisdom; nor such as is in the mind and memory, and senses, and

animal life of man; nor yet as the stars are glorious and beautiful in

their orbs; or the earth, or sea, full of embryo-life, replacing by its

birth that which decayeth; nay, nor even that false and shadowy beauty

which belongeth to deceiving vices.

For so doth pride imitate exaltedness; whereas Thou alone art God

exalted over all. Ambition, what seeks it, but honours and glory?

whereas Thou alone art to be honoured above all, and glorious for

evermore. The cruelty of the great would fain be feared; but who is

to be feared but God alone, out of whose power what can be wrested or

withdrawn? when, or where, or whither, or by whom? The tendernesses of

the wanton would fain be counted love: yet is nothing more tender than

Thy charity; nor is aught loved more healthfully than that Thy truth,

bright and beautiful above all. Curiosity makes semblance of a desire

of knowledge; whereas Thou supremely knowest all. Yea, ignorance

and foolishness itself is cloaked under the name of simplicity and

uninjuriousness; because nothing is found more single than Thee: and

what less injurious, since they are his own works which injure the

sinner? Yea, sloth would fain be at rest; but what stable rest besides

the Lord? Luxury affects to be called plenty and abundance; but Thou art

the fulness and never-failing plenteousness of incorruptible pleasures.

Prodigality presents a shadow of liberality: but Thou art the most

overflowing Giver of all good. Covetousness would possess many things;

and Thou possessest all things. Envy disputes for excellency: what more

excellent than Thou? Anger seeks revenge: who revenges more justly

than Thou? Fear startles at things unwonted and sudden, which endangers

things beloved, and takes forethought for their safety; but to Thee what

unwonted or sudden, or who separateth from Thee what Thou lovest? Or

where but with Thee is unshaken safety? Grief pines away for things

lost, the delight of its desires; because it would have nothing taken

from it, as nothing can from Thee.

Thus doth the soul commit fornication, when she turns from Thee, seeking

without Thee, what she findeth not pure and untainted, till she returns

to Thee. Thus all pervertedly imitate Thee, who remove far from Thee,

and lift themselves up against Thee. But even by thus imitating Thee,

they imply Thee to be the Creator of all nature; whence there is no

place whither altogether to retire from Thee. What then did I love in

that theft? and wherein did I even corruptly and pervertedly imitate my

Lord? Did I wish even by stealth to do contrary to Thy law, because

by power I could not, so that being a prisoner, I might mimic a maimed

liberty by doing with impunity things unpermitted me, a darkened

likeness of Thy Omnipotency? Behold, Thy servant, fleeing from his Lord,

and obtaining a shadow. O rottenness, O monstrousness of life, and depth

of death! could I like what I might not, only because I might not?

What shall I render unto the Lord, that, whilst my memory recalls these

things, my soul is not affrighted at them? I will love Thee, O Lord,

and thank Thee, and confess unto Thy name; because Thou hast forgiven me

these so great and heinous deeds of mine. To Thy grace I ascribe it, and

to Thy mercy, that Thou hast melted away my sins as it were ice. To Thy

grace I ascribe also whatsoever I have not done of evil; for what might

I not have done, who even loved a sin for its own sake? Yea, all I

confess to have been forgiven me; both what evils I committed by my own

wilfulness, and what by Thy guidance I committed not. What man is

he, who, weighing his own infirmity, dares to ascribe his purity and

innocency to his own strength; that so he should love Thee the less, as

if he had less needed Thy mercy, whereby Thou remittest sins to those

that turn to Thee? For whosoever, called by Thee, followed Thy voice,

and avoided those things which he reads me recalling and confessing

of myself, let him not scorn me, who being sick, was cured by that

Physician, through whose aid it was that he was not, or rather was less,

sick: and for this let him love Thee as much, yea and more; since by

whom he sees me to have been recovered from such deep consumption of

sin, by Him he sees himself to have been from the like consumption of

sin preserved.

What fruit had I then (wretched man!) in those things, of the

remembrance whereof I am now ashamed? Especially, in that theft which

I loved for the theft's sake; and it too was nothing, and therefore the

more miserable I, who loved it. Yet alone I had not done it: such was I

then, I remember, alone I had never done it. I loved then in it also

the company of the accomplices, with whom I did it? I did not then love

nothing else but the theft, yea rather I did love nothing else; for that

circumstance of the company was also nothing. What is, in truth? who can

teach me, save He that enlighteneth my heart, and discovereth its

dark corners? What is it which hath come into my mind to enquire, and

discuss, and consider? For had I then loved the pears I stole,

and wished to enjoy them, I might have done it alone, had the bare

commission of the theft sufficed to attain my pleasure; nor needed

I have inflamed the itching of my desires by the excitement of

accomplices. But since my pleasure was not in those pears, it was in the

offence itself, which the company of fellow-sinners occasioned.

What then was this feeling? For of a truth it was too foul: and woe was

me, who had it. But yet what was it? Who can understand his errors? It

was the sport, which as it were tickled our hearts, that we beguiled

those who little thought what we were doing, and much disliked it. Why

then was my delight of such sort that I did it not alone? Because none

doth ordinarily laugh alone? ordinarily no one; yet laughter sometimes

masters men alone and singly when no one whatever is with them, if

anything very ludicrous presents itself to their senses or mind. Yet

I had not done this alone; alone I had never done it. Behold my God,

before Thee, the vivid remembrance of my soul; alone, I had never

committed that theft wherein what I stole pleased me not, but that

I stole; nor had it alone liked me to do it, nor had I done it. O

friendship too unfriendly! thou incomprehensible inveigler of the soul,

thou greediness to do mischief out of mirth and wantonness, thou thirst

of others' loss, without lust of my own gain or revenge: but when it is

said, "Let's go, let's do it," we are ashamed not to be shameless.

Who can disentangle that twisted and intricate knottiness? Foul is it: I

hate to think on it, to look on it. But Thee I long for, O Righteousness

and Innocency, beautiful and comely to all pure eyes, and of a

satisfaction unsating. With Thee is rest entire, and life imperturbable.

Whoso enters into Thee, enters into the joy of his Lord: and shall not

fear, and shall do excellently in the All-Excellent. I sank away from

Thee, and I wandered, O my God, too much astray from Thee my stay, in

these days of my youth, and I became to myself a barren land.