CHAPTER XCIII.

A TRUE LOVER.

Hetta Carbury, out of the fulness of her heart, having made up her

mind that she had been unjust to her lover, wrote to him a letter

full of penitence, full of love, telling him at great length all

the details of her meeting with Mrs. Hurtle, and bidding him come

back to her, and bring the brooch with him. But this letter she had

unfortunately addressed to the Beargarden, as he had written to her

from that club; and partly through his own fault, and partly through

the demoralisation of that once perfect establishment, the letter

never reached his hands. When, therefore, he returned to London he

was justified in supposing that she had refused even to notice his

appeal. He was, however, determined that he would still make further

struggles. He had, he felt, to contend with many difficulties. Mrs.

Hurtle, Roger Carbury, and Hetta's mother were, he thought, all

inimical to him. Mrs. Hurtle, though she had declared that she would

not rage as a lioness, could hardly be his friend in the matter.

Roger had repeatedly declared his determination to regard him as

a traitor. And Lady Carbury, as he well knew, had always been and

always would be opposed to the match. But Hetta had owned that she

loved him, had submitted to his caresses, and had been proud of

his admiration. And Paul, though he did not probably analyze very

carefully the character of his beloved, still felt instinctively

that, having so far prevailed with such a girl, his prospects could

not be altogether hopeless. And yet how should he continue the

struggle? With what weapons should he carry on the fight? The writing

of letters is but a one-sided, troublesome proceeding, when the

person to whom they are written will not answer them; and the calling

at a door at which the servant has been instructed to refuse a

visitor admission, becomes, disagreeable,--if not degrading,--after a

time.

But Hetta had written a second epistle,--not to her lover, but to one

who received his letters with more regularity. When she rashly and

with precipitate wrath quarrelled with Paul Montague, she at once

communicated the fact to her mother, and through her mother to her

cousin Roger. Though she would not recognise Roger as a lover, she

did acknowledge him to be the head of her family, and her own special

friend, and entitled in some special way to know all that she herself

did, and all that was done in regard to her. She therefore wrote to

her cousin, telling him that she had made a mistake about Paul, that

she was convinced that Paul had always behaved to her with absolute

sincerity, and, in short, that Paul was the best, and dearest, and

most ill-used of human beings. In her enthusiasm she went on to

declare that there could be no other chance of happiness for her in

this world than that of becoming Paul's wife, and to beseech her

dearest friend and cousin Roger not to turn against her, but to lend

her an aiding hand. There are those whom strong words in letters

never affect at all,--who, perhaps, hardly read them, and take what

they do read as meaning no more than half what is said. But Roger

Carbury was certainly not one of these. As he sat on the garden wall

at Carbury, with his cousin's letter in his hand, her words had

their full weight with him. He did not try to convince himself

that all this was the verbiage of an enthusiastic girl, who might

soon be turned and trained to another mode of thinking by fitting

admonitions. To him now, as he read and re-read Hetta's letter

sitting on the wall, there was not at any rate further hope for

himself. Though he was altogether unchanged himself, though he was

altogether incapable of change,--though he could not rally himself

sufficiently to look forward to even a passive enjoyment of life

without the girl whom he had loved,--yet he told himself what he

believed to be the truth. At last he owned directly and plainly that,

whether happy or unhappy, he must do without her. He had let time

slip by with him too fast and too far before he had ventured to love.

He must now stomach his disappointment, and make the best he could

of such a broken, ill-conditioned life as was left to him. But, if

he acknowledged this,--and he did acknowledge it,--in what fashion

should he in future treat the man and woman who had reduced him so

low?

At this moment his mind was tuned to high thoughts. If it were

possible he would be unselfish. He could not, indeed, bring himself

to think with kindness of Paul Montague. He could not say to himself

that the man had not been treacherous to him, nor could he forgive

the man's supposed treason. But he did tell himself very plainly that

in comparison with Hetta the man was nothing to him. It could hardly

be worth his while to maintain a quarrel with the man if he were once

able to assure Hetta that she, as the wife of another man, should

still be dear to him as a friend might be dear. He was well aware

that such assurance, such forgiveness, must contain very much. If it

were to be so, Hetta's child must take the name of Carbury, and must

be to him as his heir,--as near as possible his own child. In her

favour he must throw aside that law of primogeniture which to him was

so sacred that he had been hitherto minded to make Sir Felix his heir

in spite of the absolute unfitness of the wretched young man. All

this must be changed, should he be able to persuade himself to give

his consent to the marriage. In such case Carbury must be the home

of the married couple, as far as he could induce them to make it

so. There must be born the future infant to whose existence he was

already looking forward with some idea that in his old age he might

there find comfort. In such case, though he should never again be

able to love Paul Montague in his heart of hearts, he must live

with him for her sake on affectionate terms. He must forgive Hetta

altogether,--as though there had been no fault; and he must strive to

forgive the man's fault as best he might. Struggling as he was to be

generous, passionately fond as he was of justice, yet he did not know

how to be just himself. He could not see that he in truth had been to

no extent ill-used. And ever and again, as he thought of the great

prayer as to the forgiveness of trespasses, he could not refrain from

asking himself whether it could really be intended that he should

forgive such trespass as that committed against him by Paul Montague!

Nevertheless, when he rose from the wall he had resolved that Hetta

should be pardoned entirely, and that Paul Montague should be treated

as though he were pardoned. As for himself,--the chances of the world

had been unkind to him, and he would submit to them!

Nevertheless he wrote no answer to Hetta's letter. Perhaps he felt,

with some undefined but still existing hope, that the writing of such

a letter would deprive him of his last chance. Hetta's letter to

himself hardly required an immediate answer,--did not, indeed, demand

any answer. She had simply told him that, whereas she had for certain

reasons quarrelled with the man she had loved, she had now come to

the conclusion that she would quarrel with him no longer. She had

asked for her cousin's assent to her own views, but that, as Roger

felt, was to be given rather by the discontinuance of opposition than

by any positive action. Roger's influence with her mother was the

assistance which Hetta really wanted from him, and that influence

could hardly be given by the writing of any letter. Thinking of all

this, Roger determined that he would again go up to London. He would

have the vacant hours of the journey in which to think of it all

again, and tell himself whether it was possible for him to bring his

heart to agree to the marriage;--and then he would see the people,

and perhaps learn something further from their manner and their

words, before he finally committed himself to the abandonment of his

own hopes and the completion of theirs.

He went up to town, and I do not know that those vacant hours served

him much. To a man not accustomed to thinking there is nothing in

the world so difficult as to think. After some loose fashion we turn

over things in our mind and ultimately reach some decision, guided

probably by our feelings at the last moment rather than by any

process of ratiocination;--and then we think that we have thought.

But to follow out one argument to an end, and then to found on the

base so reached the commencement of another, is not common to us.

Such a process was hardly within the compass of Roger's mind,--who

when he was made wretched by the dust, and by a female who had a

basket of objectionable provisions opposite to him, almost forswore

his charitable resolutions of the day before; but who again, as he

walked lonely at night round the square which was near to his hotel,

looking up at the bright moon with a full appreciation of the beauty

of the heavens, asked himself what was he that he should wish to

interfere with the happiness of two human beings much younger than

himself, and much fitter to enjoy the world. But he had had a bath,

and had got rid of the dust, and had eaten his dinner.

The next morning he was in Welbeck Street at an early hour. When he

knocked he had not made up his mind whether he would ask for Lady

Carbury or her daughter, and did at last inquire whether "the ladies"

were at home. The ladies were reported as being at home, and he was

at once shown into the drawing-room, where Hetta was sitting. She

hurried up to him, and he at once took her in his arms and kissed

her. He had never done such a thing before. He had never even kissed

her hand. Though they were cousins and dear friends, he had never

treated her after that fashion. Her instinct told her immediately

that such a greeting from him was a sign of affectionate compliance

with her wishes. That this man should kiss her as her best and

dearest relation, as her most trusted friend, as almost her brother,

was certainly to her no offence. She could cling to him in fondest

love,--if he would only consent not to be her lover. "Oh, Roger, I am

so glad to see you," she said, escaping gently from his arms.

"I could not write an answer, and so I came."

"You always do the kindest thing that can be done."

"I don't know. I don't know that I can do anything now,--kind or

unkind. It is all done without any aid from me. Hetta, you have been

all the world to me."

"Do not reproach me," she said.

"No;--no. Why should I reproach you? You have committed no fault. I

should not have come had I intended to reproach any one."

"I love you so much for saying that."

"Let it be as you wish it,--if it must. I have made up my mind to

bear it, and there shall be an end of it." As he said this he took

her by the hand, and she put her head upon his shoulder and began to

weep. "And still you will be all the world to me," he continued, with

his arm round her waist. "As you will not be my wife, you shall be my

daughter."

"I will be your sister, Roger."

"My daughter rather. You shall be all that I have in the world. I

will hurry to grow old that I may feel for you as the old feel for

the young. And if you have a child, Hetta, he must be my child." As

he thus spoke her tears were renewed. "I have planned it all out in

my mind, dear. There! If there be anything that I can do to add to

your happiness, I will do it. You must believe this of me,--that to

make you happy shall be the only enjoyment of my life."

It had been hardly possible for her to tell him as yet that the

man to whom he was thus consenting to surrender her had not even

condescended to answer the letter in which she had told him to come

back to her. And now, sobbing as she was, overcome by the tenderness

of her cousin's affection, anxious to express her intense gratitude,

she did not know how first to mention the name of Paul Montague.

"Have you seen him?" she said in a whisper.

"Seen whom?"

"Mr. Montague."

"No;--why should I have seen him? It is not for his sake that I am

here."

"But you will be his friend?"

"Your husband shall certainly be my friend;--or, if not, the fault

shall not be mine. It shall all be forgotten, Hetta,--as nearly as

such things may be forgotten. But I had nothing to say to him till

I had seen you." At that moment the door was opened and Lady Carbury

entered the room, and, after her greeting with her cousin, looked

first at her daughter and then at Roger. "I have come up," said he,

"to signify my adhesion to this marriage." Lady Carbury's face fell

very low. "I need not speak again of what were my own wishes. I have

learned at last that it could not have been so."

"Why should you say so?" exclaimed Lady Carbury.

"Pray, pray, mamma--," Hetta began, but was unable to find words with

which to go on with her prayer.

"I do not know that it need be so at all," continued Lady Carbury. "I

think it is very much in your own hands. Of course it is not for me

to press such an arrangement, if it be not in accord with your own

wishes."

"I look upon her as engaged to marry Paul Montague," said Roger.

"Not at all," said Lady Carbury.

"Yes; mamma,--yes," cried Hetta boldly. "It is so. I am engaged to

him."

"I beg to let your cousin know that it is not so with my

consent,--nor, as far as I can understand at present, with the

consent of Mr. Montague himself."

"Mamma!"

"Paul Montague!" ejaculated Roger Carbury. "The consent of Paul

Montague! I think I may take upon myself to say that there can be no

doubt as to that."

"There has been a quarrel," said Lady Carbury.

"Surely he has not quarrelled with you, Hetta?"

"I wrote to him,--and he has not answered me," said Hetta piteously.

Then Lady Carbury gave a full and somewhat coloured account of what

had taken place, while Roger listened with admirable patience. "The

marriage is on every account objectionable," she said at last. "His

means are precarious. His conduct with regard to that woman has been

very bad. He has been sadly mixed up with that wretched man who

destroyed himself. And now, when Henrietta has written to him without

my sanction,--in opposition to my express commands,--he takes no

notice of her. She, very properly, sent him back a present that he

made her, and no doubt he has resented her doing so. I trust that his

resentment may be continued."

Hetta was now seated on a sofa hiding her face and weeping. Roger

stood perfectly still, listening with respectful silence till Lady

Carbury had spoken her last word. And even then he was slow to

answer, considering what he might best say. "I think I had better see

him," he replied. "If, as I imagine, he has not received my cousin's

letter, that matter will be set at rest. We must not take advantage

of such an accident as that. As to his income,--that I think may be

managed. His connection with Mr. Melmotte was unfortunate, but was

due to no fault of his." At this moment he could not but remember

Lady Carbury's great anxiety to be closely connected with Melmotte,

but he was too generous to say a word on that head. "I will see him,

Lady Carbury, and then I will come to you again."

Lady Carbury did not dare to tell him that she did not wish him to

see Paul Montague. She knew that if he really threw himself into

the scale against her, her opposition would weigh nothing. He was

too powerful in his honesty and greatness of character,--and had

been too often admitted by herself to be the guardian angel of the

family,--for her to stand against him. But she still thought that had

he persevered, Hetta would have become his wife.

It was late that evening before Roger found Paul Montague, who had

only then returned from Liverpool with Fisker,--whose subsequent

doings have been recorded somewhat out of their turn.

"I don't know what letter you mean," said Paul.

"You wrote to her?"

"Certainly I wrote to her. I wrote to her twice. My last letter was

one which I think she ought to have answered. She had accepted me,

and had given me a right to tell my own story when she unfortunately

heard from other sources the story of my journey to Lowestoft with

Mrs. Hurtle." Paul pleaded his own case with indignant heat, not

understanding at first that Roger had come to him on a friendly

mission.

"She did answer your letter."

"I have not had a line from her;--not a word!"

"She did answer your letter."

"What did she say to me?"

"Nay,--you must ask her that."

"But if she will not see me?"

"She will see you. I can tell you that. And I will tell you this

also;--that she wrote to you as a girl writes to the lover whom she

does wish to see."

"Is that true?" exclaimed Paul, jumping up.

"I am here especially to tell you that it is true. I should hardly

come on such a mission if there were a doubt. You may go to her, and

need have nothing to fear,--unless, indeed, it be the opposition of

her mother."

"She is stronger than her mother," said Paul.

"I think she is. And now I wish you to hear what I have to say."

"Of course," said Paul, sitting down suddenly. Up to this moment

Roger Carbury, though he had certainly brought glad tidings, had

not communicated them as a joyous, sympathetic messenger. His face

had been severe, and the tone of his voice almost harsh; and Paul,

remembering well the words of the last letter which his old friend

had written him, did not expect personal kindness. Roger would

probably say very disagreeable things to him, which he must bear with

all the patience which he could summon to his assistance.

"You know what my feelings have been," Roger began, "and how deeply

I have resented what I thought to be an interference with my

affections. But no quarrel between you and me, whatever the rights of

it may be--"

"I have never quarrelled with you," Paul began.

"If you will listen to me for a moment it will be better. No anger

between you and me, let it arise as it might, should be allowed to

interfere with the happiness of her whom I suppose we both love

better than all the rest of the world put together."

"I do," said Paul.

"And so do I;--and so I always shall. But she is to be your wife. She

shall be my daughter. She shall have my property,--or her child shall

be my heir. My house shall be her house,--if you and she will consent

to make it so. You will not be afraid of me. You know me, I think,

too well for that. You may now count on any assistance you could

have from me were I a father giving you a daughter in marriage. I do

this because I will make the happiness of her life the chief object

of mine. Now good night. Don't say anything about it at present.

By-and-by we shall be able to talk about these things with more

equable temper." Having so spoken he hurried out of the room, leaving

Paul Montague bewildered by the tidings which had been announced to

him.