CHAPTER VI. ILL AND CONSCIENCE-STRICKEN

When I came down to the ship I found it strangely removed. The

forecastle, which lay before buried in sand, was heaved up at least six

feet, and the stern, which was broke in pieces and parted from the rest

by the force of the sea, soon after I had left rummaging her, was

tossed as it were up, and cast on one side; and the sand was thrown so

high on that side next her stern, that whereas there was a great place

of water before, so that I could not come within a quarter of a mile of

the wreck without swimming I could now walk quite up to her when the

tide was out. I was surprised with this at first, but soon concluded it

must be done by the earthquake; and as by this violence the ship was

more broke open than formerly, so many things came daily on shore,

which the sea had loosened, and which the winds and water rolled by

degrees to the land.

This wholly diverted my thoughts from the design of removing my

habitation, and I busied myself mightily, that day especially, in

searching whether I could make any way into the ship; but I found

nothing was to be expected of that kind, for all the inside of the ship

was choked up with sand. However, as I had learned not to despair of

anything, I resolved to pull everything to pieces that I could of the

ship, concluding that everything I could get from her would be of some

use or other to me.

_May_ 3.—I began with my saw, and cut a piece of a beam through, which

I thought held some of the upper part or quarter-deck together, and

when I had cut it through, I cleared away the sand as well as I could

from the side which lay highest; but the tide coming in, I was obliged

to give over for that time.

_May_ 4.—I went a-fishing, but caught not one fish that I durst eat of,

till I was weary of my sport; when, just going to leave off, I caught a

young dolphin. I had made me a long line of some rope-yarn, but I had

no hooks; yet I frequently caught fish enough, as much as I cared to

eat; all which I dried in the sun, and ate them dry.

_May_ 5.—Worked on the wreck; cut another beam asunder, and brought

three great fir planks off from the decks, which I tied together, and

made to float on shore when the tide of flood came on.

_May_ 6.—Worked on the wreck; got several iron bolts out of her and

other pieces of ironwork. Worked very hard, and came home very much

tired, and had thoughts of giving it over.

_May_ 7.—Went to the wreck again, not with an intent to work, but found

the weight of the wreck had broke itself down, the beams being cut;

that several pieces of the ship seemed to lie loose, and the inside of

the hold lay so open that I could see into it; but it was almost full

of water and sand.

_May_ 8.—Went to the wreck, and carried an iron crow to wrench up the

deck, which lay now quite clear of the water or sand. I wrenched open

two planks, and brought them on shore also with the tide. I left the

iron crow in the wreck for next day.

_May_ 9.—Went to the wreck, and with the crow made way into the body of

the wreck, and felt several casks, and loosened them with the crow, but

could not break them up. I felt also a roll of English lead, and could

stir it, but it was too heavy to remove.

_May_ 10–14.—Went every day to the wreck; and got a great many pieces

of timber, and boards, or plank, and two or three hundredweight of

iron.

_May_ 15.—I carried two hatchets, to try if I could not cut a piece off

the roll of lead by placing the edge of one hatchet and driving it with

the other; but as it lay about a foot and a half in the water, I could

not make any blow to drive the hatchet.

_May_ 16.—It had blown hard in the night, and the wreck appeared more

broken by the force of the water; but I stayed so long in the woods, to

get pigeons for food, that the tide prevented my going to the wreck

that day.

_May_ 17.—I saw some pieces of the wreck blown on shore, at a great

distance, near two miles off me, but resolved to see what they were,

and found it was a piece of the head, but too heavy for me to bring

away.

_May_ 24.—Every day, to this day, I worked on the wreck; and with hard

labour I loosened some things so much with the crow, that the first

flowing tide several casks floated out, and two of the seamen’s chests;

but the wind blowing from the shore, nothing came to land that day but

pieces of timber, and a hogshead, which had some Brazil pork in it; but

the salt water and the sand had spoiled it. I continued this work every

day to the 15th of June, except the time necessary to get food, which I

always appointed, during this part of my employment, to be when the

tide was up, that I might be ready when it was ebbed out; and by this

time I had got timber and plank and ironwork enough to have built a

good boat, if I had known how; and also I got, at several times and in

several pieces, near one hundredweight of the sheet lead.

_June_ 16.—Going down to the seaside, I found a large tortoise or

turtle. This was the first I had seen, which, it seems, was only my

misfortune, not any defect of the place, or scarcity; for had I

happened to be on the other side of the island, I might have had

hundreds of them every day, as I found afterwards; but perhaps had paid

dear enough for them.

_June_ 17.—I spent in cooking the turtle. I found in her three-score

eggs; and her flesh was to me, at that time, the most savoury and

pleasant that ever I tasted in my life, having had no flesh, but of

goats and fowls, since I landed in this horrid place.

_June_ 18.—Rained all day, and I stayed within. I thought at this time

the rain felt cold, and I was something chilly; which I knew was not

usual in that latitude.

_June_ 19.—Very ill, and shivering, as if the weather had been cold.

_June_ 20.—No rest all night; violent pains in my head, and feverish.

_June_ 21.—Very ill; frighted almost to death with the apprehensions of

my sad condition—to be sick, and no help. Prayed to God, for the first

time since the storm off Hull, but scarce knew what I said, or why, my

thoughts being all confused.

_June_ 22.—A little better; but under dreadful apprehensions of

sickness.

_June_ 23.—Very bad again; cold and shivering, and then a violent

headache.

_June_ 24.—Much better.

_June_ 25.—An ague very violent; the fit held me seven hours; cold fit

and hot, with faint sweats after it.

_June_ 26.—Better; and having no victuals to eat, took my gun, but

found myself very weak. However, I killed a she-goat, and with much

difficulty got it home, and broiled some of it, and ate, I would fain

have stewed it, and made some broth, but had no pot.

_June_ 27.—The ague again so violent that I lay a-bed all day, and

neither ate nor drank. I was ready to perish for thirst; but so weak, I

had not strength to stand up, or to get myself any water to drink.

Prayed to God again, but was light-headed; and when I was not, I was so

ignorant that I knew not what to say; only I lay and cried, “Lord, look

upon me! Lord, pity me! Lord, have mercy upon me!” I suppose I did

nothing else for two or three hours; till, the fit wearing off, I fell

asleep, and did not wake till far in the night. When I awoke, I found

myself much refreshed, but weak, and exceeding thirsty. However, as I

had no water in my habitation, I was forced to lie till morning, and

went to sleep again. In this second sleep I had this terrible dream: I

thought that I was sitting on the ground, on the outside of my wall,

where I sat when the storm blew after the earthquake, and that I saw a

man descend from a great black cloud, in a bright flame of fire, and

light upon the ground. He was all over as bright as a flame, so that I

could but just bear to look towards him; his countenance was most

inexpressibly dreadful, impossible for words to describe. When he

stepped upon the ground with his feet, I thought the earth trembled,

just as it had done before in the earthquake, and all the air looked,

to my apprehension, as if it had been filled with flashes of fire. He

was no sooner landed upon the earth, but he moved forward towards me,

with a long spear or weapon in his hand, to kill me; and when he came

to a rising ground, at some distance, he spoke to me—or I heard a voice

so terrible that it is impossible to express the terror of it. All that

I can say I understood was this: “Seeing all these things have not

brought thee to repentance, now thou shalt die;” at which words, I

thought he lifted up the spear that was in his hand to kill me.

No one that shall ever read this account will expect that I should be

able to describe the horrors of my soul at this terrible vision. I

mean, that even while it was a dream, I even dreamed of those horrors.

Nor is it any more possible to describe the impression that remained

upon my mind when I awaked, and found it was but a dream.

I had, alas! no divine knowledge. What I had received by the good

instruction of my father was then worn out by an uninterrupted series,

for eight years, of seafaring wickedness, and a constant conversation

with none but such as were, like myself, wicked and profane to the last

degree. I do not remember that I had, in all that time, one thought

that so much as tended either to looking upwards towards God, or

inwards towards a reflection upon my own ways; but a certain stupidity

of soul, without desire of good, or conscience of evil, had entirely

overwhelmed me; and I was all that the most hardened, unthinking,

wicked creature among our common sailors can be supposed to be; not

having the least sense, either of the fear of God in danger, or of

thankfulness to God in deliverance.

In the relating what is already past of my story, this will be the more

easily believed when I shall add, that through all the variety of

miseries that had to this day befallen me, I never had so much as one

thought of it being the hand of God, or that it was a just punishment

for my sin—my rebellious behaviour against my father—or my present

sins, which were great—or so much as a punishment for the general

course of my wicked life. When I was on the desperate expedition on the

desert shores of Africa, I never had so much as one thought of what

would become of me, or one wish to God to direct me whither I should

go, or to keep me from the danger which apparently surrounded me, as

well from voracious creatures as cruel savages. But I was merely

thoughtless of a God or a Providence, acted like a mere brute, from the

principles of nature, and by the dictates of common sense only, and,

indeed, hardly that. When I was delivered and taken up at sea by the

Portugal captain, well used, and dealt justly and honourably with, as

well as charitably, I had not the least thankfulness in my thoughts.

When, again, I was shipwrecked, ruined, and in danger of drowning on

this island, I was as far from remorse, or looking on it as a judgment.

I only said to myself often, that I was an unfortunate dog, and born to

be always miserable.

It is true, when I got on shore first here, and found all my ship’s

crew drowned and myself spared, I was surprised with a kind of ecstasy,

and some transports of soul, which, had the grace of God assisted,

might have come up to true thankfulness; but it ended where it began,

in a mere common flight of joy, or, as I may say, being glad I was

alive, without the least reflection upon the distinguished goodness of

the hand which had preserved me, and had singled me out to be preserved

when all the rest were destroyed, or an inquiry why Providence had been

thus merciful unto me. Even just the same common sort of joy which

seamen generally have, after they are got safe ashore from a shipwreck,

which they drown all in the next bowl of punch, and forget almost as

soon as it is over; and all the rest of my life was like it. Even when

I was afterwards, on due consideration, made sensible of my condition,

how I was cast on this dreadful place, out of the reach of human kind,

out of all hope of relief, or prospect of redemption, as soon as I saw

but a prospect of living and that I should not starve and perish for

hunger, all the sense of my affliction wore off; and I began to be very

easy, applied myself to the works proper for my preservation and

supply, and was far enough from being afflicted at my condition, as a

judgment from heaven, or as the hand of God against me: these were

thoughts which very seldom entered my head.

The growing up of the corn, as is hinted in my Journal, had at first

some little influence upon me, and began to affect me with seriousness,

as long as I thought it had something miraculous in it; but as soon as

ever that part of the thought was removed, all the impression that was

raised from it wore off also, as I have noted already. Even the

earthquake, though nothing could be more terrible in its nature, or

more immediately directing to the invisible Power which alone directs

such things, yet no sooner was the first fright over, but the

impression it had made went off also. I had no more sense of God or His

judgments—much less of the present affliction of my circumstances being

from His hand—than if I had been in the most prosperous condition of

life. But now, when I began to be sick, and a leisurely view of the

miseries of death came to place itself before me; when my spirits began

to sink under the burden of a strong distemper, and nature was

exhausted with the violence of the fever; conscience, that had slept so

long, began to awake, and I began to reproach myself with my past life,

in which I had so evidently, by uncommon wickedness, provoked the

justice of God to lay me under uncommon strokes, and to deal with me in

so vindictive a manner. These reflections oppressed me for the second

or third day of my distemper; and in the violence, as well of the fever

as of the dreadful reproaches of my conscience, extorted some words

from me like praying to God, though I cannot say they were either a

prayer attended with desires or with hopes: it was rather the voice of

mere fright and distress. My thoughts were confused, the convictions

great upon my mind, and the horror of dying in such a miserable

condition raised vapours into my head with the mere apprehensions; and

in these hurries of my soul I knew not what my tongue might express.

But it was rather exclamation, such as, “Lord, what a miserable

creature am I! If I should be sick, I shall certainly die for want of

help; and what will become of me!” Then the tears burst out of my eyes,

and I could say no more for a good while. In this interval the good

advice of my father came to my mind, and presently his prediction,

which I mentioned at the beginning of this story—viz. that if I did

take this foolish step, God would not bless me, and I would have

leisure hereafter to reflect upon having neglected his counsel when

there might be none to assist in my recovery. “Now,” said I, aloud, “my

dear father’s words are come to pass; God’s justice has overtaken me,

and I have none to help or hear me. I rejected the voice of Providence,

which had mercifully put me in a posture or station of life wherein I

might have been happy and easy; but I would neither see it myself nor

learn to know the blessing of it from my parents. I left them to mourn

over my folly, and now I am left to mourn under the consequences of it.

I abused their help and assistance, who would have lifted me in the

world, and would have made everything easy to me; and now I have

difficulties to struggle with, too great for even nature itself to

support, and no assistance, no help, no comfort, no advice.” Then I

cried out, “Lord, be my help, for I am in great distress.” This was the

first prayer, if I may call it so, that I had made for many years.

But to return to my Journal.

_June_ 28.—Having been somewhat refreshed with the sleep I had had, and

the fit being entirely off, I got up; and though the fright and terror

of my dream was very great, yet I considered that the fit of the ague

would return again the next day, and now was my time to get something

to refresh and support myself when I should be ill; and the first thing

I did, I filled a large square case-bottle with water, and set it upon

my table, in reach of my bed; and to take off the chill or aguish

disposition of the water, I put about a quarter of a pint of rum into

it, and mixed them together. Then I got me a piece of the goat’s flesh

and broiled it on the coals, but could eat very little. I walked about,

but was very weak, and withal very sad and heavy-hearted under a sense

of my miserable condition, dreading, the return of my distemper the

next day. At night I made my supper of three of the turtle’s eggs,

which I roasted in the ashes, and ate, as we call it, in the shell, and

this was the first bit of meat I had ever asked God’s blessing to, that

I could remember, in my whole life. After I had eaten I tried to walk,

but found myself so weak that I could hardly carry a gun, for I never

went out without that; so I went but a little way, and sat down upon

the ground, looking out upon the sea, which was just before me, and

very calm and smooth. As I sat here some such thoughts as these

occurred to me: What is this earth and sea, of which I have seen so

much? Whence is it produced? And what am I, and all the other creatures

wild and tame, human and brutal? Whence are we? Sure we are all made by

some secret Power, who formed the earth and sea, the air and sky. And

who is that? Then it followed most naturally, it is God that has made

all. Well, but then it came on strangely, if God has made all these

things, He guides and governs them all, and all things that concern

them; for the Power that could make all things must certainly have

power to guide and direct them. If so, nothing can happen in the great

circuit of His works, either without His knowledge or appointment.

And if nothing happens without His knowledge, He knows that I am here,

and am in this dreadful condition; and if nothing happens without His

appointment, He has appointed all this to befall me. Nothing occurred

to my thought to contradict any of these conclusions, and therefore it

rested upon me with the greater force, that it must needs be that God

had appointed all this to befall me; that I was brought into this

miserable circumstance by His direction, He having the sole power, not

of me only, but of everything that happened in the world. Immediately

it followed: Why has God done this to me? What have I done to be thus

used? My conscience presently checked me in that inquiry, as if I had

blasphemed, and methought it spoke to me like a voice: “Wretch! dost

_thou_ ask what thou hast done? Look back upon a dreadful misspent

life, and ask thyself what thou hast _not_ done? Ask, why is it that

thou wert not long ago destroyed? Why wert thou not drowned in Yarmouth

Roads; killed in the fight when the ship was taken by the Sallee

man-of-war; devoured by the wild beasts on the coast of Africa; or

drowned _here_, when all the crew perished but thyself? Dost _thou_

ask, what have I done?” I was struck dumb with these reflections, as

one astonished, and had not a word to say—no, not to answer to myself,

but rose up pensive and sad, walked back to my retreat, and went up

over my wall, as if I had been going to bed; but my thoughts were sadly

disturbed, and I had no inclination to sleep; so I sat down in my

chair, and lighted my lamp, for it began to be dark. Now, as the

apprehension of the return of my distemper terrified me very much, it

occurred to my thought that the Brazilians take no physic but their

tobacco for almost all distempers, and I had a piece of a roll of

tobacco in one of the chests, which was quite cured, and some also that

was green, and not quite cured.

I went, directed by Heaven no doubt; for in this chest I found a cure

both for soul and body. I opened the chest, and found what I looked

for, the tobacco; and as the few books I had saved lay there too, I

took out one of the Bibles which I mentioned before, and which to this

time I had not found leisure or inclination to look into. I say, I took

it out, and brought both that and the tobacco with me to the table.

What use to make of the tobacco I knew not, in my distemper, or whether

it was good for it or no: but I tried several experiments with it, as

if I was resolved it should hit one way or other. I first took a piece

of leaf, and chewed it in my mouth, which, indeed, at first almost

stupefied my brain, the tobacco being green and strong, and that I had

not been much used to. Then I took some and steeped it an hour or two

in some rum, and resolved to take a dose of it when I lay down; and

lastly, I burnt some upon a pan of coals, and held my nose close over

the smoke of it as long as I could bear it, as well for the heat as

almost for suffocation. In the interval of this operation I took up the

Bible and began to read; but my head was too much disturbed with the

tobacco to bear reading, at least at that time; only, having opened the