CHAPTER CLXXXVIII.

THE CONFESSIONS OF A LUNATIC.

“My blood has been boiling like a lava-stream. It appears to me as if

I can now freely respire the fresh air, after having only breathed

by gasps. What agony, then, has it been that has thus convulsed my

soul?--of what kind was the anguish which has left such strange and

unnatural sensations behind? Have I just awakened from a reverie

of burning thoughts and appalling visions?--or was there any truth

in the hideous things which seem to have passed like a frightful

phantasmagoria through my brain? What means this suffocating sob that

has struggled upward, and as it were spontaneously from my breast?

O God! it appears to me now as if the wildest--most maniacal ideas

have crowded into volumes, but become compressed into instants! Do I

rave?--am I really here--in a room elegantly furnished--and seated at

this table, writing? Is the bright sun-light streaming in at the open

casement?--and does the breeze penetrate into the chamber, fanning my

feverish cheek and throbbing brow, and wafting to me the delicious

perfume of flowers? Is all this true--or a dream? Am I still a denizen

of the earth,--that earth of which I seem for some time to have lost

all forgetfulness--dwelling during the interval in a chaos peopled with

horrible images--ghastly spectres--frightful beings of nondescript

shape? Oh, I remember--I found this paper, this pen, and this ink in

that large and massive ward-robe so exquisitely carved;--and something

tells me that there are persons watching my movements--spying my

actions--and who will be angry with me--perhaps ill-treat me--if they

behold me writing down my ideas. Oh! I am afraid--I am afraid. My God!

where am I? There is a hurry in my brain--my blood again begins to

boil--my hand trembles as I write. But wherefore do I write at all? I

know not:--and yet it seems to do me good!

“If any persons--any of those men whom I remember to have seen just

now--should endeavour to enter the room, I will hide my papers in

yonder ward-robe. Or else under the bed?--or between the mattresses?

No: in that ward-robe--it is the safest place, I feel confident.

“But why should I not go forth and walk in that garden which I can

see from the window?--or else penetrate into the fields at a great

distance, and lie down and think? If the breeze coming into this room,

does me good, how much more refreshed should I feel were I to ramble

about in the open country! Yes--I will go.

“What does this mean? I have tried the door--and it is locked! Who

dares to treat me thus--_me_--a gentleman of birth and fortune? I will

not endure such conduct: I will appeal to my brother, the magistrate,

for protection. He shall hang the wretches who have perpetrated this

insolence.

“O God! what do I see? There are bars at the window! Great heavens! I

shall go mad!

* * * * *

“MAD! Yes--that was the last word that I wrote yesterday--I suppose

it must have been yesterday--when I so hastily concealed my

papers, on hearing some one approach the door. I remember _that_

full well! Yes--it was an elderly man, with a mild and benevolent

countenance--dressed in black, with linen beautifully white--and with

a massive chain and seals. I looked at him well: but I knew him not. I

do not think that I ever saw him before. He sate down by my side--felt

my pulse--and asked me several questions. Ah! a thought flashes to my

mind: that good old gentleman is a doctor. And now,--yes--I think I can

recollect it all,--I abused him--I insulted him very grossly;--and then

some men entered and compelled me to go to bed. They undressed me by

force. I struggled against them; but it was useless.

“Oh! what does it all mean? Why those men to coerce me?--why that

doctor to attend upon me?--and why those bars at the window? Gracious

God! it cannot be--no--no--the horrible thought----

“Yes: it must be so--I am really mad!

* * * * *

“Again I sit down, calmly and tranquilly, to write. I have weighed well

my condition--have asked myself a thousand questions--have read what

I have written above--have striven to recollect all the past--have

carefully examined the present--and have dared to think of the future.

By all this--and by the bars at the window--I know that I am _mad_!

“Yes: but I can write the word now without growing excited; and I

must practise writing it again, so that I may by degrees gather to my

aid such an amount of self-possession as to be able to trace on this

paper all that has occurred to me. Then shall I possess a positive

memorial--a substantial key to the past; and should I again forget, in

an interval of delirium, all that has occurred, I can speedily recommit

the mournful history to my memory during a lucid interval like the

present.

“_Mad--mad--mad--mad!_ There--now I can write the word without the

least excitement; and this is a triumph already achieved. By gaining

a complete and accurate knowledge of my real position, I shall know

how to act. I am aware that I am in a lunatic asylum: I am also aware

that I have passed through intervals of fearful delirium. But I must

compose myself as much as possible. I cannot remain in this horrible

place;--and if I cannot become really sane again, I may at all events

pretend to be so--and then they will let me out. But in order to regain

my intellects, or appear to recover my reason, I must remember all that

has occurred to me, so as to be enabled to converse calmly and sensibly

on the subject. Stay! I will think--I will reflect profoundly for the

rest of the day; and to-morrow I will resume my pen.

“God forbid that the doctor or his men--or that prying old housekeeper,

should look into the wardrobe! I would not lose my manuscript for

worlds.

* * * * *

“_June 13th, 1846._

“I have learnt the day of the month. The doctor has been with me for

an hour; and he readily complied with my request to be furnished with

an almanack. He told me that this is the 13th of June; and henceforth

I hope I shall be enabled to keep the dates accurately. When I was

at school--but that is many years ago!--I used to make an almanack

to calculate how long it was to the holidays; and every evening I

scratched out the day that had just passed. Oh! happy--happy age of

boyhood--wilt thou never come back? hast thou gone for ever? Now must

I erase each day as it passes, and hope that the period of my release

is near at hand. _That_ shall be the holiday of my manhood, to which I

must look forward with such anxious--fervid--burning hope!

“But to my narrative.

“A hundred thousand pounds became mine on the day that I attained my

majority. That was nine years ago! I was my own master: my parents had

long been dead--and my guardians attempted not even to advise me--much

less control me. They were not relations--mere men of business to whom

my fortune had been intrusted, with a view to its accumulation. The

moment I became possessed of that wealth, I plunged headlong into the

vortex of pleasure. Heavens! in what dissipation did I indulge. Who

could drink deeper than I, and walk home steadily afterwards?--who

was more sought after and caressed amongst the fair sex?--who was

a more constant attendant at race-courses, gaming-houses, and the

haunts of fashionable vice and aristocratic debauchery? Fool that

I was! I imagined that to spend money profusely, was to enjoy life

largely. I had three mistresses at the same time,--three women, having

each a separate establishment, maintained at my cost! What were the

consequences? At five-and-twenty my constitution was nearly ruined,

and eighty thousand pounds of my fortune had been expended. The very

principles of my existence seemed to be undermined--disease was gnawing

at my vitals--an unbroken career of the wildest dissipation was

hurrying me, with race-horse speed, to the tomb!

“Suddenly I awoke, as from a dream. But it was not because remorse

touched me,--nor because good counsels were proffered me,--nor because

some latent feelings of virtue sprang into existence. Neither was it

because my fortune was nearly wasted and my health failing rapidly.

No: but it was because I at that epoch saw my Editha for the first

time! Oh! how can I retain my calmness _now_, when I think of her as

I _then_ beheld her,--beheld her in all the glory of her matchless

beauty--radiant with that loveliness that seemed to surround her with

the halo that only angels have! Yes--I was then twenty-five, and Editha

Greville was nineteen--that delightful age when the female figure

swells into womanly loveliness--round, full, and exquisitely modelled!

“We loved--almost at first sight; and though several weeks passed ere

I ventured to declare my passion, I could read in Editha’s eyes that

I was far from being displeasing to her. She was an only child; her

father was dead; her mother, though a woman of considerable wealth,

mixed little in society; and the wildness of my conduct was not

therefore fully known to Mrs. Greville. At the same time, she had heard

that I was extravagant and imprudent; but when I implored her to bestow

upon me the hand of her daughter, she yielded her assent, expressing

a hope that I had sown all my wild oats by that time, and should grow

steady in a matrimonial state. Thus was it that I became the recognised

suitor of Editha; and when some of Mrs. Greville’s friends, who knew

me well, represented to her that I was notoriously a half-ruined rake,

the old lady had too much confidence in all the promises of reformation

which I had made, to revoke the consent she had given to our union.

Besides, she saw that Editha was deeply attached to me, and that the

beauteous girl’s happiness depended on the smooth progress of love’s

course.

[Illustration]

“But, alas! painful thoughts forced themselves upon my mind. I felt

that my constitution was ruined--and I believed myself to be in a

consumption. Faithful to the solemn pledges which I had made to Mrs.

Greville, I established a complete change in my habits; and instead of

drinking wine to excess, I foreswore all alcoholic liquor whatsoever.

Likewise, instead of passing my nights in dissipation, I returned

home at an early hour and sought my couch. But the suddenness of this

alteration in my habits produced effects which I can only compare to

the terrible reaction that a man experiences when waking in the morning

after a night of deep debauch. A dead weight fell upon my spirits. I

became so low and depressed that horrible thoughts of suicide were

constantly floating in my brain. My nervousness was extreme, and

intensely painful. An unusually loud knock or ring at the front-door

would make me start as if I had committed a crime and was expecting

the officers of justice to come and arrest me. I was constantly

conjuring up the most shocking visions respecting the future; and when

immersed in those reveries, I verily believed that I was contemplating

realities--such was the morbid state of my mind!

“It was therefore natural that I should begin to reflect upon the step

which I had taken with regard to Editha. I had sought and won the

affections of a beautiful creature, who was possessed of a generous

heart, an amiable disposition, and a loving soul; and I was shocked to

think that such a being, in all the vigorous health of youthfulness,

should be led to the altar by one whose constitution was shattered,

whose vital energies were almost ruined, and who seemed to be hovering

on the very verge of the tomb! Oh! how maddening were these thoughts!

I looked upon myself as a villain--a deceiver; and often--often was I

on the point of throwing myself at Mrs. Greville’s feet and exclaiming,

‘_Pardon me, madam, for having dared to ask the hand of your daughter

in marriage! I am but a phantom--a shadow: the finger of Death is upon

me,--and if Editha should accompany me to the altar, it is probable

that in less than a year she will have to follow me to the tomb!_’--But

when I thought of Editha’s matchless beauty, and pondered upon the

immensity of the love that I experienced for her, I could not command

the courage necessary to enable me to resign the hope of possessing

such a treasure. Besides, in her society I could smile and be gay: her

musical voice was more ravishing to my ears than the inspired strains

of an improvisatrice;--her breath was more fragrant than the perfume of

flowers--her lips more delicious than the honey-dew upon the blossoms!

Oh! no--no: I could not resign my Editha! But no day had been as yet

fixed for our marriage--and six weeks had already elapsed since I had

proposed and was accepted. Shall I confess the truth? I dared not

ask her mother to name the day: I shrank from the idea as if I were

meditating a murder--had marked out my victim--but dreaded to settle

in my own mind the night and the hour when the assassin-blow should be

struck!

“I was lying in bed one morning, reflecting on all these things--for

the dark fit of despondency was upon me--when my valet entered the

room with the morning’s newspapers. I listlessly unfolded one of the

journals, when my eyes suddenly caught sight of an advertisement,

headed thus:--‘_Manhood, the Reasons of its Early Decline; with Plain

Hints for its Complete Resuscitation._’ This book was announced to

be an emanation from the pen of T. L. Surtees and Co., Consulting

Surgeons, residing in one of the streets leading out of Soho Square;

and it appeared by certain quotations of notices from the leading

newspapers, that the book was a medical treatise of great utility,

merit, and importance. Hope now dawned in upon my soul. Perhaps my

constitution was not irretrievably damaged? Perchance I might not be in

a consumption, after all? Such were my thoughts, after perusing that

advertisement over and over again; and I resolved to lose no time in

calling upon the able practitioners who undertook the resuscitation

of any constitution, no matter how hopeless the case might seem.

Accordingly, having hastily dressed myself, I repaired in a street

cab to the address indicated in the advertisement. The house was one

of imposing appearance; and the words ‘_Surtees and Co., Consulting

Surgeons_,’ were displayed in deep-black letters, on immense shining

zinc-plates. The fawn-coloured Venetian blinds were drawn down; and

I said to myself, as I alighted with a fluttering heart, ‘Doubtless

these eminent practitioners have patients waiting in every room to

consult them.’ Entering the passage, I found an inner door, with a

bronze knocker and a ground-glass fan-light, on which were inscribed

the same words as those that appeared on the polished zinc-plates. I

was immediately admitted by a footman, and conducted up stairs to a

drawing-room, every feature of which is at this moment as fresh in my

memory as if I were seated and writing there now.

“This apartment at first sight impressed me with an idea of luxurious

splendour; but a closer examination into its appointments showed me

that the most vulgar taste had presided over its fitting-up. The paper

was of crimson and gold; and to the walls were suspended several

paintings set in magnificent frames, which only rendered the daubs the

more miserably ludicrous. Two of them were covered with plate-glass,

as if they were very valuable; whereas they were as wretched as the

others. ‘Some unprincipled person,’ thought I, ‘must have imposed

upon these worthy doctors, by recommending pictures to which I would

not accord house-room. But men of philosophic minds and who are

devoted to professional studies, are seldom good judges of works of

art.’ Thus ruminating, I continued my examination of the apartment;

and I was struck with surprise at the utter vulgarity and absence of

taste which characterised the profusion of French porcelain ornaments

scattered about. Here was a Chinese Joss, with a moveable head: and

there was a pedlar mounted on a gigantic goat. At the corners of the

fire-place were two paintings evidently cut out of a picture, and

representing little charity-school girls. In the centre of the room

stood a loo-table, upon which a writing-desk was placed; and this was

surrounded by medical publications, bearing on their title-pages the

magical names of those gentlemen whom I was so anxiously waiting to

see. I had the curiosity to open one of the works: but I was disgusted

with the obscenity of the coloured plates which it contained. A

moment’s reflection, however, induced me to believe that there could

be nothing indecent in the development of the divine art of surgery;

and I felt ashamed of myself for having even for an instant entertained

such scruples. As a concluding observation respecting the drawing-room

itself, I must remark that its entire appearance indicated the taste of

a vulgar upstart, rather than the refined elegance of a polished mind.

“Having waited nearly three quarters of an hour, a footman made his

appearance, and, with many obsequious bows, conducted me down stairs

into a dining-room most gaudily and extravagantly furnished. The

same grovelling vulgarity of taste which I had noticed elsewhere

was apparent in the crimson damask curtains with yellow fringes and

tassels--the looking-glasses in ponderous frames--the showy daubs

suspended to the walls--and the furniture arranged for the purpose of

display. Folding-doors admitted me into an inner apartment, of equally

vulgar appearance; and beyond was a little room, only a few feet

square, and which the footman, as he ushered me in, denominated _the

surgery_.

“I must confess that my heart beat violently as I traversed those

two apartments leading to the _sanctum_ where I expected to find

myself in the presence of the eminent medical practitioners. I had

pictured to myself a couple of old and venerable-looking gentlemen,

with genius stamped upon their high bald foreheads, and their eyes

expressing all the powers of vigorous intellects. I was therefore

somewhat surprised when, on being introduced into the surgery, I beheld

only one individual, who was the very reverse of the portraiture I

had drawn by anticipation. His features were of the Jewish cast: his

complexion was of that swarthy and greasy description peculiar to the

lower order of the Hebrew race;--his hair was black and very thick;

and his whiskers met beneath his chin. His eyes were dark, and one

of them was larger than the other: his bottle-nose was rather on one

side; and his countenance altogether was as ignoble, as vulgar, and

as unintellectual as ever served as an index to a sordid, grovelling

soul. His dress was of the flashy kind which belongs partly to the

upstart or _parvenu_, and partly to the swell-mob’s-man. He wore a blue

dress-coat, a gaudy waistcoat, and large loose trousers hollowed at the

instep so as to be shaped to the polished leathern boot. A profusion of

jewellery decorated his person;--a thick gold chain, with a large key,

depended to his watch--his worked shirt was fastened with diamond and

blue enamel studs;--and his dirty hands were covered with costly rings,

which appeared as ill-placed upon the clumsy, grimy fingers as pearls

would be round the neck of a pig.

“Such was the individual in whose presence I found myself; and had I

not been at the time in such a desperate state of mind that I was eager

to clutch at a straw, I should at once have seen through the man and

his system. But I reassured myself with the adage which teaches that

we should never judge by outward appearances; and it flashed to my

mind that many men remarkable for the brilliancy of their intellect,

were far from being prepossessing in either person, manners, or

address. Moreover, I never had partaken in the shameful, unjust, and

absurd prejudices which too many of my fellow-countrymen entertain in

respect to the Jews; and therefore the mere fact of this Mr. Surtees

being a member of the Hebrew race produced on my mind no unfavourable

impression with regard to him.

“‘Pray be seated,’ said the medical gentleman, with a tone and

manner which I at the time mistook for professional independence,

but which I have since discovered to be the vulgar insolence of an

ignorant, self-sufficient upstart. I took a chair in compliance with

the invitation given; and when he had seated himself at his desk, he

extended his dirty but jewel-bedizened paw, saying, ‘Vill you obleege

me vith yer card?’--I did as requested; but not without a little

hesitation, for I had hoped to avoid giving my name and address.--‘Ah!

I see,’ said Mr. Surtees, in a musing tone, as he examined the card:

‘_Mr. Macdonald_,’ he continued, reading my name. ‘By the vay, air

you any relation to the Markiss of Burlington? ’cos his family name

is the same as your’n.’--I replied that I was not a relative of the

nobleman mentioned.--‘Vell, it don’t sinnify,’ proceeded Mr. Surtees.

‘The Markiss is a hexcellent friend of mine. He lays under a sight

of hobligations to me. He come to me in the first hinstance vith a

constitootion so veared out and shattered that no medical carpenter in

all Hingland could have mended it up except me. But in the course of a

foo weeks I putt him as right as a trivet; and now he’d go through fire

and vater to sarve me. It on’y cost him a couple of thousand pounds to

get quite cured; and that was cheap enow, ’evvins knows! But how comed

you to call upon me this mornin’? Were it in consekvence of having

perooged von of my medical vorks? Ah! them sells vell, them does! Or

were it ’cos you seed my adwer_tise_ment in the noospapers?’--I was

so completely bewildered by this outpouring of execrable English and

vile grammar, that for some moments I was utterly unable to answer the

questions put to me. Was it possible that this coarse, ignorant, and

self-sufficient vulgarian could be an eminent medical authority--the

author of valuable publications--the celebrated surgeon whom the

extracts from newspapers[21] quoted in his advertisement, spoke of so

highly? I was astounded. But again did hope blind me to what the man

really was: again did I reassure myself by the reflection that Mr.

Surtees might be an excellent surgeon, although he was a miserable

grammarian; and I accordingly recovered my self-possession sufficiently

to inform him that I had called in consequence of reading his

advertisement in the newspapers.

“The doctor seemed pleased at my answer, and immediately exclaimed,

‘Vell, sir, and vot a blessin’ it is that people _do_ read

adwer_tise_ments: ’cos vy? they gets at the knowledge of heminent

medikle prektishoners, which has devoted their lives to the hart of

ealing all kinds of diseases. You see before you, sir,’ he continued,

in a pompous tone, and with arrogant air, ‘a man vot knows hevery hin

and hout of the human constitootion. No von knows so vell as myself wot

consumption raly is.’--‘Then you have made consumption your particular

study, sir?’ I observed, seeing that he paused, in order to elicit some

remark from me.--‘Rayther!’ was his laconic answer. ‘The fact is,’ he

continued, ‘foo medikle men is aweer what consumption is, nor in vot

part of the frame it begins. Vy, I vonce knowed a gentleman, sir, which

had a rapid decline begin in the great toe of his left foot, and travel

up’ards, till it spread itself over the hentire system. The doctors

had all give him up, and the undertaker was actiwally thinking of the

good job he should soon have putt into his hand, ven I vos consulted. I

made him take seventeen bottles of my bootiful _Balm of Zura_, and he

rekivered in less than a fortnit.’

“Weak, nervous, and attenuated as I was, this anecdote made a deep

impression upon me. I forgot the bad grammar--I lost sight of the

arrogance and self-sufficient vulgarity: I saw and heard only the man

who solemnly assured me that he had redeemed a fellow-creature from the

jaws of death, when all other members of the faculty had given up the

case as hopeless. Mr. Surtees doubtless perceived that he had worked

me up to the pitch suitable to his purposes; and he accordingly said,

‘Vell, my good sir, vill you be so good as to explain wot it is that

you’ve come to consult me for?’ I then frankly and candidly confessed

that I had expended four-fifths of a large fortune in a career of

unbroken dissipation--that my constitution was grievously impaired,

if not absolutely ruined--that since I had given up drinking and all

other sources of unnatural excitement, I was subject to such frequent

fits of despondency that the idea of suicide was almost constantly

in my imagination--that I loved and was beloved by a beautiful girl

who was possessed of property--but that I felt afraid to contract the

matrimonial engagement, lest I should leave her an unprotected widow in

the course of a short time. Mr. Surtees listened with great attention;

and when I had concluded, he appeared to reflect profoundly. At length

he said, ‘Vell, let’s feel yer pulse.’--I extended my hand towards

him; and he applied his thumb to a part of my wrist where I did not

suppose that a pulse lay: but I concluded at the time that his great

proficiency in medicine had led him to discover a new pulse, and that

the best mode to test it was with the thumb.--‘Wery veak pulse indeed!’

he said, shaking his head with as much solemnity as the Chinese Joss

up in his drawing-room might have been expected to display. ‘But don’t

go for to give vay to despair, my dear sir; the case is a bad ’un, I

admit--a wery, wery bad ’un; and I can’t say as how that I ever knowed

a wusser. Pray, who’s the young lady which you intends to marry? I’ve

a motive in axing.’--I thought that as the learned gentleman was

already acquainted with my name and address, there could be no harm in

answering this new question, the more especially as even if I refused

to reply, he could easily institute those enquiries that would lead to

a knowledge of the fact: I accordingly satisfied him on that head. ‘Ah!

I don’t know her,’ he observed, carelessly: then, after a few moments’

reflection, he said ‘Vell, I undertake to cure you; but the business

vill be a hexpensive von. You must write me a cheque for a hundred

guineas, my consultation fee; and then I’ll tell you wot you must do

next.’--Reassured by the promises he thus held out, I unhesitatingly

gave him a draft for the amount demanded. He then opened a drawer,

and drew forth a small case containing six bottles. ‘This here is

the rale elixir of life,’ he said, in a tone of solemn mystery: ‘it

inwigorates the constitootion in no time, and puts a reglar stopper on

the adwance of consumption. The Grand Turk has a case sent every veek

to him through his Hambassador, and all the crowned heads in Europe is

patients of mine, I may say. Take a bottle of this bootiful balm daily;

and ven it’s all gone, come back again to me. The price of them six is

fifteen guineas; and you can write me out another cheque at vonce.’--I

hastened to comply with this demand; and Mr. Surtees bowed me out of

the surgery.

“But here I must leave off writing; for I am wearied--my brain begins

to grow confused--and my memory fails me. Oh! what a fool--what an

idiot I was, not to have seen through the man and his quackery on the

occasion of that visit, the particulars of which I have detailed at

such length.

* * * * *

“_June 18th, 1846._

“I again resume my narrative. Five days have elapsed since I last put

pen to paper; and that interval has been one of darkness. Yes--the fit

was upon me: but it has passed--and I am now calm and collected once

again. I have just read over all that I have written above; and I have

laughed heartily at the fidelity and minuteness of my description of

the first visit that I paid to the quack-doctor. Let me now continue my

narrative; for the incidents are once more all fresh and vivid in my

memory.

“I am well aware that the imagination has much to do with our diseases

and our cures. Possessed of what I deemed to be a salutary medicine,

my spirits rose; and at the close of each of the six days during which

the supply of balm lasted, I said to myself, ‘I certainly feel stronger

and better.’ The fits of despondency were far less frequent, and less

intense: my appetite improved--and the colour came partially back

to my cheeks. This change was no doubt effected principally by the

steady life which I adopted, and by the increased mental tranquillity

which I experienced. I was moreover filled with hope that a complete

restoration to health would be accomplished; and thus, while at the

time I attributed everything to the medicine, I have not the least

doubt that the stuff was utterly valueless in itself. Editha was

rejoiced to find my spirits so much improving; and her mother expressed

her delight at the regular habits which I had adopted. I did not

mention to a soul my visit to Mr. Surtees: that was my secret--and a

sense of shame made me cherish it religiously. At the expiration of the

week I called upon him again, and on this occasion was at once admitted

into his surgery. There was another fee of a hundred guineas--another

six bottles of medicine prescribed, and another cheque given for the

amount thereof. He asked me if I had read his book yet; and I was

compelled to reply in the negative. ‘Vell, never mind,’ he said; ‘I

ain’t offended; but you shall have a hopportunlty of perooging it

before you come agen. I’ll jest step up into the drawing-room and get

you von.’ He accordingly quitted the surgery; and during his temporary

absence an irresistible feeling of curiosity prompted me to look at a

note which lay open upon the table. I read it; and thus it ran, word

for word:--‘_Dear Joe, You ax me 2 lend you mi dipplomy for a few days,

just to make a show with to a new payshent; but i vunce for all tell

you as how i’d rayther not lett it go out of my house. Besides, it’s of

no use to you, ’cos it’s made out in the name of La’Vert, and you’ve

took the name of Surtees. So no more from your affecshonate brother,

&c._’--This note was signed by the name of La’Vert; and therefore it

was apparent that the real appellation of my friend Mr. Surtees was

Joseph La’Vert. It struck me in a moment that I had become the dupe

of a quack; but I had sufficient command over myself to restrain my

indignation when he returned to the room. He was accompanied by a

woman--I cannot say a lady--whom he introduced to me as his wife. And

here I must pause to say a few descriptive words of her.

“Mrs. Surtees was a vulgar, dark-complexioned Jewess, with a long

hooked nose. Her flesh seemed as if it had been smeared with oil, and

then wiped with a dry towel; but on her cheeks she wore an immoderate

quantity of rouge. She was exceedingly stout, with an enormous bust:

her hair, rough and wavy, was arranged in bands and plastered down

with quince-pips. She was dressed in the most outrageous style, and

as she herself expressed it, ’was about to go hout for a haring in

the carridge.’ Her gown was of green velvet; her shawl of bright red;

and her bonnet of rose pink, adorned with a profusion of artificial

flowers, inside and out. She wore very pink silk stockings and short

petticoats, as she had conceived the erroneous impression that there

was something attractive in her elephantine leg. As a matter of course,

she carried a complete jeweller’s shop about her person. She wore no

gloves; and her large red hands were covered with rings. Her ear-rings

were of gold studded with turquoise; and now her portraiture is

complete.

“Scarcely had the ceremony of introduction taken place, when another

female bounced into the apartment, and she was immediately presented

to me as Mrs. Surtees’ sister. Such a pair was never seen before!

They looked like a butcher’s daughters in their Sunday’s best; and

they were attired with an evidently studied view to contrast. For the

sister’s gown was of blue velvet, her shawl of flaunting yellow hue,

and her bonnet white. These ladles, having favoured me with a good long

stare and a few observations relative to the weather and such-like

common-place topics, quitted the room to enter their vehicle which was

waiting at the door. Mr. Surtees had the gallantry to accompany them

as far as the carriage; and the moment I was alone again, I had the

curiosity to traverse the two rooms and take a peep from the front

window. The equipage was in perfect keeping with the appointments of

the house and the attire of the occupants. It was a barouche, painted

bright blue on the body: but all the under part and wheels were of

straw colour. The inside was lined with yellow morocco. It was drawn by

two brown cobs, the harness exhibiting a profusion of silver; and the

coachman’s livery was of a gaudy blue, with buttons also of silver.

“But while I was making these observations from the window, my ears

were saluted with a brief colloquy that took place in the passage

between Mr. Surtees and his wife, ere he handed her to the carriage.

They doubtless believed that I had remained in the surgery, and

little thought that I was near enough to catch all they said.--‘Vell,

Joe,’ exclaimed Mrs. Surtees, ‘any monzel[22] vith that pale-faced

young feller vich you said were so ’ansome and made me come in to

see?’--‘A good moza-motton,’[23] he answered, with a vulgar chuckling

laugh.--‘Oh! then, he stumped the guelt?’[24] demanded the woman,

joining in the cachinnation.--‘To be sure he did, my love,’ responded

this precious consulting-surgeon: ‘and I means to have a good deal more

out on him afore I’ve done.’--‘Oh! wery vell, then,’ returned Mrs.

Surtees: ‘in this case the boy Abey must have a new polka hat, and

little Joe a new welwet dress out of it’--‘All right!’ exclaimed the

consulting-surgeon. ‘Come, cut along, and astonish the natives in the

park a bit. I shall jine you presently.’ He then handed the two women

into the carriage; and I hurried back to the surgery, where I seated

myself till his return--so that he could not suspect I had quitted the

place during his temporary absence. I longed to tell him all I knew or

suspected relative to his real character: but a fear of exposure made

me silent--and I took my leave of him with as much civility as I could

bring myself to bestow upon such a person.

“I knew that I had been completely and thoroughly victimised: but on

reflection, I was glad of it. I saw that the circumstance of taking

the medicine had stimulated my imagination, and had thereby aided in

improving my health. On my return home, I threw the six bottles away

without drinking another drop of the trashy balm; and I sent at once

for a respectable physician, who, for a fee of five guineas, gave me

proper advice. I then came to the conclusion that it is always better,

under any emergency, to have recourse to legitimate assistance than to

seek the aid of advertisers--no matter whether the subject involved

be medicine, law, or money. My health improved rapidly; and at the

expiration of three months I became the happy husband of the equally

happy Editha.

Here must I pause for a time: the recollection of my wedding-day has

revived memories which overpower me!

* * * * *

“_June 20th, 1846._

“I resume my narrative. Twelve months had elapsed after my marriage

with the loveliest and most amiable woman in the universe; and

nothing had transpired to interrupt our felicity. A boy had blest our

union--and I was as happy as a husband and father could possibly be.

My health was almost completely re-established; and my habits were

regular and domestic. I loathed the idea of those exciting pleasures

and feverish enjoyments in the vortex of which I had nearly wrecked

everything--health, fortune, and reputation; and Mrs. Greville, who

dwelt with us, would often assure me with a smile that I was the very

pattern of good husbands. My brother, who had become a magistrate, was

a frequent visitor at our house; and all was progressing in peace,

comfort, and tranquillity, when an incident suddenly occurred to

interfere with that smiling prospect.

“It was late one evening, shortly after my beloved Editha’s recovery

from her confinement, that I was informed that a person who refused

to give his name desired to speak with me in private. I ordered the

servant to show him into the library; and thither I immediately

afterwards proceeded. The man whom I encountered there was a short,

thick-set fellow, with a forbidding countenance: he was flashily

dressed, and had about him an air of jaunty impudence as if he had

come upon some evil mission in which he knew that he should succeed.

I asked him his business, without inviting him to be seated--for I

conceived a dislike to him the instant I set eyes upon his sinister

features. ‘Your name is Macdonald?’ he said, flinging himself into a

chair in a very free-and-easy manner.--‘There is no necessity for you

to acquaint me with that fact,’ I observed, assuming as chilling a

tone as possible.--‘Oh! but there is, though!’ he ejaculated: ‘because

I must make sure that I am speaking to the right person. Well, you

admit your name: now will you tell me whether you’re the gentleman

that married Miss Editha Greville?’--‘What means this impudence?’

I demanded angrily. ‘Explain your business, sir, without farther

circumlocution.’--‘I’ll come to the point in a minute,’ returned the

man, quite unabashed. ‘Fifteen or sixteen months ago you used to visit

a certain gentleman who lives not a hundred miles from Soho Square.’--I

started and turned pale: for it struck me in a moment that the fellow

was alluding to the _consulting-surgeon_.--‘Well, now I see that it’s

all right,’ he exclaimed, doubtless drawing this inference from the

confusion of my manner. ‘Of course you would rather it shouldn’t be

known that you _did_ visit the gentleman,’ he added emphatically.--‘I

do not understand your meaning,’ I replied.--‘Look here, then,’

continued the fellow: ‘it would not be very pleasant to have your

brother, your mother-in-law, your friends, your tradesmen, your

servants, and even your wife, made acquainted with the fact that you

were under Mr. Surtees for some time previous to your marriage.’--‘I

never visited him but twice!’ were the words that I gasped out, for

horrible sensations were coming rapidly over me.--‘Never mind how often

it was,’ cried the man, in a brutal tone: ‘you did call to consult him,

and that’s enough for me. Now then, ’tis for you to say how much you’ll

give me to keep the secret.’--‘Wretch! extortioner!’ I ejaculated, rage

succeeding alarm in my breast--‘It’s of no use to attempt to bully

me,’ said the ruffian, with the most cold-blooded composure: ‘I want

money, and I mean to get it out of you.’--‘Or else?’ I said, all my

wretched feelings returning, as I saw myself threatened with exposure,

shame, and irretrievable degradation.--‘Or else,’ he repeated, ‘I shall

tell the secret to all the people I have named; and then we shall see

whether you will ever hold up your head in society again.’--‘And how

much money do you require?’ I asked, my heart sinking within me.--‘Five

hundred will do for the present,’ he responded imperiously.--‘For the

present?’ I cried, echoing his words: ‘what! do you mean to visit me

again for such a purpose?’--‘Not if you shell out at once, and without

making any more words about it,’ he said.--There was no alternative

save to comply; and I accordingly counted into his hand the Bank-notes

for the sum named. In another minute he had taken his departure--and I

was left alone to meditate upon the scene that had just occurred.

“It was a long time before I could so far compose my countenance and

my feelings as to be able to return to the parlour without exciting

the suspicions of my wife and mother-in-law that something unpleasant

had taken place. But I managed to conceal the sorrow which the event

of the evening had engendered within me; and early on the following

morning I paid a visit to Mr. Surtees. He did not appear at first to

recollect me--or, at all events, if he did, he was a wonderful adept

in playing the part of forgetfulness: but when I mentioned my name,

he exclaimed, ‘Vy, is it possible that you’ve come back to consult me

again?’--‘Far from it,’ I answered, with a bitterness which I could

not hide, and which he failed not to notice; for he bit his lip, and

coloured deeply. I then related to him the particulars of the visit

I had received on the previous evening, and accused him of being the

prime mover in the matter. But he repelled the charge with so much

indignation--whether real or feigned I cannot even now determine--that

I certainly believed him at the time; and, were I at present writing

for the purpose of having my narrative read by the world, I should be

loth indeed to have it inferred that Mr. Surtees was in reality mixed

up with the case of extortion. Much as I hate and despise him, I will

not do him a wanton injustice; and I am therefore bound to state that

he was warm and energetic in his assurances of complete innocence

respecting the transaction.--‘But how could the man have known that I

ever _did_ visit you?’ I asked.--‘Vell things does get abroad in a many

most unaccountable vays,’ he responded: ‘but I take my Gosh to witness

that I’m as clear of this business as the babe vot’s unborn. Vot can I

do to conwince you that such is the fect?’--‘I do not entertain such

a dreadful opinion of human nature as to disbelieve you, sir,’ was my

rejoinder; and I took my leave. But, distressed and harassed as I was,

I could not help noticing the strong and disagreeable odour of fried

fish that came up from the lower regions of the dwelling: nor could I

avoid a smile as I caught a glimpse of Mrs. Surtees, who was running

hastily up stairs, having evidently emerged from the kitchen--for her

swarthy countenance was as greasy as it could be, and her appearance

was dirty and slovenly in the extreme. Yet, a few hours later in the

day, this woman would doubtless turn out in all the flaunting gaud of

her rainbow attire and in the profuse display of her costly jewellery!

“I must again repeat that I quitted Mr. Surtees’ abode with the

conviction that he was anything but an accomplice in the scheme of

extortion; and I said to myself, as I returned homeward, ‘The scene of

last night is one of those penalties which we are doomed to pay for the

irregularities and evil courses of our youthful years. But, even though

Surtees himself be innocent, is not the extortionate deed all the same

a result of an infamous system of quackery? Destroy that system--and

the quietude of men’s homes could not thus be troubled by the visits of

extortioners!’--By degrees my mind grew calmer; and as weeks and months

fled away, I had almost ceased to think of the occurrence which had

so much ruffled me, when one evening the man reappeared at the house.

Again was the ominous message delivered to me while I was seated in

the society of my beloved wife and her excellent mother--again did I

see the man in private--and again was I compelled to endure his cool

insolence and yield to his extortionate demands. Another five hundred

pounds was transferred from my pocket to his own;--and once more was

I forced to veil the real condition of my feelings when I rejoined

the ladies in the parlour. And now, as time slipped away, I did not

lose the misgivings that this second visit had excited in my mind--I

could not forget that I was in the power of a villain, who was certain

to come back again. Months passed; and a third time--I remember it

well--it was on Christmas eve,--the fatal message was delivered to me.

On this occasion I started so violently and betrayed so much confusion

that both my wife and mother-in-law observed my agitation. I however

hurried away, without responding to their anxious enquiries; and when

once more in the presence of the extortioner, I heaped the bitterest

reproaches upon him. He heard me with a coolness and a self-possession

that only augmented my wrath; and at length I ceased speaking through

sheer exhaustion. He then informed me, in his imperious and rude

manner, that he had an opportunity of emigrating under the most

favourable services--that he required a thousand pounds--and that if

I gave him this sum, he would never trouble me again. I bound him by

the most solemn oaths to that pledge; and, to save myself from a shame

that would have crushed me down to the very dust and rendered life

intolerable, I gave the miscreant a cheque on my bankers for the large

amount which he demanded. But on my return to the company of my Editha

and Mrs. Greville, I was compelled to invent falsehoods to account

for my confusion; and I beheld, with pain and bitter grief, that they

both saw that I was deceiving them--that I was concealing the real

truth--and that there was something upon my mind![25]

“Oh! yes--and they conjectured truly; for my peace was now so

thoroughly disturbed, that I despaired of regaining it. I felt

convinced that, in spite of the villain’s solemn vows, he would come

back again; and I dreaded to be at home--for every knock at the

door made me start nervously. If I walked or rode out, on my return

I dreaded lest the servants should inform me that a certain person

had called for me during my absence, and would look in again in the

evening. Thus my life became a veritable burthen to me; and my sorrow

was aggravated by the stern necessity of retaining it all in my own

breast. Often and often did I think of inventing some excuse to

induce my wife and her mother to consent that we should break up our

establishment in London, and repair to the continent. But what apology

could I devise for such a strange proceeding?--and, moreover, would not

the extortioner find me out, if he set himself to the work? because

to imagine any feasible ground for changing our name, was impossible.

Thus months passed away, without seeing me determine upon any plan to

frustrate the extortioner should he return; and I saw that my Editha’s

health and spirits began to fail--because she knew that I was secretly

unhappy!

“And the extortioner _did_ come back: and again was I forced to

yield to his demands. Two thousand pounds did he obtain from me

on this occasion; and when I reminded him of his solemn pledges

and sacred vows, he laughed outright in my face. Oh! how I

hated--abhorred--loathed that man! I could have slain him on the spot:

but I thought of my dear wife and innocent boy, and I restrained

my hand. And now my mind became seriously unsettled--a painful

nervousness constantly maintained its influence over me--my health

gave way again, as rapidly under the heavy weight of sorrow as it

did beneath the wearing effects of dissipation. Oh! yes--and what

was worse than all, was that my Editha grew paler and thinner day by

day--visibly;--and I dared not attempt to console her--I could not

force my tongue to frame a lie to assure her that I myself was happy.

Thus was our once happy home changed to a scene of gloom: a deep

despondency hung upon us all--and I perceived, with ineffable anguish,

that Mrs. Greville began to view me with distrust. Perhaps she thought

that some crime lay heavy upon my soul: yes--this must have been her

impression--or she would doubtless have questioned me. But she did

not live long enough to behold the sad catastrophe: a short though

severe illness snatched her to the tomb--and, circumstanced as I was,

I rejoiced in secret at the event,--for I said to myself, ‘There is at

all events one being the less to deceive--one being the less to watch

me with mournful and silently appealing looks!’--O God! It was not

strange--it was not wonderful if madness were beginning even then to

undermine the strong tower of my reason!

“Scarcely were the remains of my mother-in-law consigned to the tomb,

when the extortioner reappeared at the house. His demands increased

in proportion to the concessions which were made to him by my fears;

but I was totally unable to comply with his present exigences. It is

true that there was much property still left;--but it was settled on

my wife--and I could not command from my own resources the sum needed.

This I candidly told him, and besought him to be merciful;--yes, with

tears in my eyes did I beseech him. The wretch! the monster! what

cared he for my grief--my anguish? He desired me to have recourse

to a discounter--gave me the address of a money-lender--and said he

should return on the following evening. Accordingly--impelled by my

wretched, wretched destiny--I visited the money-lender, who advanced

me three thousand pounds on my own acceptance, and at most usurious

interest. The whole of that money found its way into the pocket of the

extortioner; and when he had taken his departure, I fell down in a fit.

For days and days did I keep my bed; and when I awoke to consciousness,

it was from a delirium. My dear wife was seated by my bed-side; but, O

God!--how pale--how altered--how wan she was with long vigils and deep

grief! I questioned her guardedly to ascertain whether in my ravings

I had betrayed my secret: but I learnt, beyond all doubt, that I had

_not_. Then I began to breathe more freely; and she, throwing her

arms about my neck, exclaimed, while tears streamed in torrents down

her cheeks, ‘My beloved husband, you have some dreadful grief preying

upon your mind. May I not be made your confidant? I have observed that

always after the visits of the man who calls every now and then, and

invariably in the evening, you are stricken as with a heavy affliction.

Oh! what does it all mean?--I endeavoured to console her--to soothe

her--to reassure her as well as I could; but I saw that she only

pretended to be solaced, for my sake!

“Well--I recovered: but happiness and I had shaken hands for ever. I

felt as if I were followed about by an invisible demon, whose breath

poisoned the very atmosphere that I breathed. I know that my brain was

reeling--that my reason was tottering that I was going mad! Often did

I think seriously of murdering my wife and child, and putting an end

to my own existence. But I dared not lay violent hands upon _them_;

and I had too much moral courage still left to seek death so long as

there remained a single tie, however feeble, to bind me to life. But

a new misfortune was in store for me--for _us_. A solicitor in whom I

and my wife trusted, obtained our signatures to certain deeds under

the foulest representations; and by virtue thereof he sold out all the

stock standing in Editha’s name in the Bank. He then absconded; and

we were suddenly reduced from affluence to comparative penury. I was

unable to honour my acceptance; and the discounter would listen to no

terms. He said that he had passed it away in the regular course of

business, and could not take it up himself. I was arrested and thrown

into prison. My friends deserted me, believing that wanton extravagance

on my part had led to this catastrophe. Yes: all save my beloved wife

deserted me--and she, the angel! remained faithful to me! We had two

hundred and fifty pounds a year still left; and on the houses which

produced this income, my wife insisted on raising the money necessary

to obtain my release. But such a proceeding would have left us beggars;

and I could not endure the idea of misery for one--two--three persons!

No: the property was so secured that my creditor could not touch

it--and I resolved, by the advice of an attorney, to apply for relief

to the Insolvents’ Court. I did so; and the creditor opposed me on the

ground of extravagance. I could give no account of the manner in which

I had disposed of the money he had advanced me--and when the opposing

counsel asked me, on my oath, whether I had not lost it at gambling,

I greedily snapped at the means of explanation thus furnished,

and perjured myself by the utterance of an affirmative. Oh! that

miscreant extortioner!--he drove me to ruin--a prison--the Insolvents’

Court--perjury--and lastly to a mad-house! Great God! how can I write

thus tranquilly when I think of all the wrongs that I have endured?

* * * * *

“_July 23rd, 1846._

“I have been compelled to desist again: but at length I resume my

pen. My ideas are rapidly becoming more settled: I think that I shall

recover altogether, if I can but manage to escape from this place!

“I stated that I appeared at the Insolvents’ Court, and was opposed

by the holder of the bill for three thousand pounds. The Commissioner

remanded me to prison for twelve months as a punishment for wanton and

profligate expenditure. I shall not dwell upon that long incarceration:

it was horrible to a sensitive soul like mine. Even Editha, patient and

loving as she was, failed to solace me altogether. There were intervals

of anguish so bitter that I fancied myself at times to be already dead

and enduring the torments of hell. Dreadful thought! But at length the

time passed--and I was once more free. We took a neat little cottage

in the suburbs of the metropolis; and tranquility seemed to have been

restored to us at last. Our son throve gloriously: Oh! what a handsome

boy he became--what a handsome boy he must be now! Nearly two yeas

passed--and I was recovering my mental serenity, when one day I met

the extortioner in the street. Oh! what a cold shudder came over me as

I saw his eyes fixed upon me! It seemed as if a horrible spectre had

suddenly started up from the earth to horrify and appal me. I beheld

_Ruin_ personified; and a faintness came over me. But I was recalled

to a poignant sense of my misery by the well-known voice, that fell

upon my ears, making fresh demands upon my purse. I took the man into

an obscure public-house close by; and, as there was no one in the

room save ourselves at the time, we could converse freely upon the

business. Freely, indeed! when every word he uttered fell like drops

of molten lead upon my heart--and every syllable I breathed in return

hissed from my parched tongue like water passing over red hot iron!

What could I do? The fiend insisted upon having money, and swore that

he would follow me home. He, however, measured his demands to my means,

and insisted upon having three hundred pounds by a given hour the next

evening. We parted--and I saw that he dogged me: indeed, he did not

attempt to conceal himself nor his intentions as he followed me until I

entered my own door--and I knew that it was useless either to turn upon

him in a hostile manner, or to attempt to baffle his aim.

[Illustration]

“Heaven only knows how I contrived to explain to my wife the reason

of my altered appearance--or rather, how I managed to conceal the

real cause beneath a falsehood. But I did succeed in reassuring her

somewhat; and on the following day I went to the discounter--the same

discounter who had lent me money before--to ask him for a loan. It

was a desperate step, taken by a desperate man: but, to my surprise,

he consented without the slightest hesitation to accommodate me. I

received the money--gave my note of hand--and paid the amount to the

extortioner. But things had now reached a crisis with me--and I became

so unsettled in my mind that Editha was seriously alarmed. I remember

that my brother, the magistrate, was sent for; and he visited the house

after having been long estranged from me. Then a mist came over my

memory; and, when I awoke, I was--here!

“Yes--here, where I now pen these lines! Oh! I have been mad--raving

mad; and Heaven knows that I have endured enough to make me so. Such

persecution could only end in insanity. But I am better now: nay--I

am well--although my friends will not believe it. My brother was here

yesterday; and I saw by the way in which he humoured me when I told

him I was fast recovering my reason, that he still imagines me to be

insane. I implored him to let me see Editha and my boy: he declared

that I should have that pleasure next Sunday. He likewise told me that

they were well in health, but deeply grieved on my account.

“Now I have made up my mind how to act. I shall escape from this

horrible place, and proceed to France. There I shall adopt an assumed

name--and thence I shall write to Editha to join me at once with our

son. We shall be beyond the reach of the extortioner--and tranquil,

if not happy days may yet await us. Yes--this is my hope! But shall I

destroy the manuscript upon which I have laboured so arduously, and

which has furnished me with an occupation that has done me so much

good? No: I cannot consent to annihilate the papers which contain a

narrative so fraught with awful warning. But does it not likewise

contain my secret?--and is not my name mentioned in the course of the

recital? Hark! footsteps approach--I must conceal my papers----”