CHAPTER III

Lord Peter finished a Scarlatti sonata, and sat looking thoughtfully

at his own hands. The fingers were long and muscular, with wide, flat

joints and square tips. When he was playing, his rather hard grey eyes

softened, and his long, indeterminate mouth hardened in compensation.

At no other time had he any pretensions to good looks, and at all times

he was spoilt by a long, narrow chin, and a long, receding forehead,

accentuated by the brushed-back sleekness of his tow-coloured hair.

Labour papers, softening down the chin, caricatured him as a typical

aristocrat.

“That’s a wonderful instrument,” said Parker.

“It ain’t so bad,” said Lord Peter, “but Scarlatti wants a harpsichord.

Piano’s too modern—all thrills and overtones. No good for our job,

Parker. Have you come to any conclusion?”

“The man in the bath,” said Parker, methodically, “was _not_ a well-off

man careful of his personal appearance. He was a labouring man,

unemployed, but who had only recently lost his employment. He had been

tramping about looking for a job when he met with his end. Somebody

killed him and washed him and scented him and shaved him in order to

disguise him, and put him into Thipps’s bath without leaving a trace.

Conclusion: the murderer was a powerful man, since he killed him with

a single blow on the neck, a man of cool head and masterly intellect,

since he did all that ghastly business without leaving a mark, a man

of wealth and refinement, since he had all the apparatus of an elegant

toilet handy, and a man of bizarre, and almost perverted imagination,

as is shown in the two horrible touches of putting the body in the bath

and of adorning it with a pair of pince-nez.”

“He is a poet of crime,” said Wimsey. “By the way, your difficulty

about the pince-nez is cleared up. Obviously, the pince-nez never

belonged to the body.”

“That only makes a fresh puzzle. One can’t suppose the murderer left

them in that obliging manner as a clue to his own identity.”

“We can hardly suppose that; I’m afraid this man possessed what most

criminals lack—a sense of humour.”

“Rather macabre humour.”

“True. But a man who can afford to be humorous at all in such

circumstances is a terrible fellow. I wonder what he did with the

body between the murder and depositing it chez Thipps. Then there are

more questions. How did he get it there? And why? Was it brought in

at the door, as Sugg of our heart suggests? or through the window,

as we think, on the not very adequate testimony of a smudge on the

window-sill? Had the murderer accomplices? Is little Thipps really

in it, or the girl? It don’t do to put the notion out of court merely

because Sugg inclines to it. Even idiots occasionally speak the truth

accidentally. If not, why was Thipps selected for such an abominable

practical joke? Has anybody got a grudge against Thipps? Who are the

people in the other flats? We must find out that. Does Thipps play

the piano at midnight over their heads or damage the reputation of

the staircase by bringing home dubiously respectable ladies? Are there

unsuccessful architects thirsting for his blood? Damn it all, Parker,

there must be a motive somewhere. Can’t have a crime without a motive,

you know.”

“A madman—” suggested Parker, doubtfully.

“With a deuced lot of method in his madness. He hasn’t made a

mistake—not one, unless leaving hairs in the corpse’s mouth can be

called a mistake. Well, anyhow, it’s not Levy—you’re right there. I

say, old thing, neither your man nor mine has left much clue to go

upon, has he? And there don’t seem to be any motives knockin’ about,

either. And we seem to be two suits of clothes short in last night’s

work. Sir Reuben makes tracks without so much as a fig-leaf, and a

mysterious individual turns up with a pince-nez, which is quite useless

for purposes of decency. Dash it all! If only I had some good excuse

for takin’ up this body case officially—”

The telephone bell rang. The silent Bunter, whom the other two had

almost forgotten, padded across to it.

“It’s an elderly lady, my lord,” he said. “I think she’s deaf—I can’t

make her hear anything, but she’s asking for your lordship.”

Lord Peter seized the receiver, and yelled into it a “Hullo!” that

might have cracked the vulcanite. He listened for some minutes with an

incredulous smile, which gradually broadened into a grin of delight.

At length he screamed: “All right! all right!” several times, and rang

off.

“By Jove!” he announced, beaming, “sportin’ old bird! It’s old Mrs.

Thipps. Deaf as a post. Never used the ’phone before. But determined.

Perfect Napoleon. The incomparable Sugg has made a discovery and

arrested little Thipps. Old lady abandoned in the flat. Thipps’s last

shriek to her: ‘Tell Lord Peter Wimsey.’ Old girl undaunted. Wrestles

with telephone book. Wakes up the people at the exchange. Won’t take

no for an answer (not bein’ able to hear it), gets through, says:

‘Will I do what I can?’ Says she would feel safe in the hands of a

real gentleman. Oh, Parker, Parker! I could kiss her, I reely could,

as Thipps says. I’ll write to her instead—no, hang it, Parker, we’ll

go round. Bunter, get your infernal machine and the magnesium. I say,

we’ll all go into partnership—pool the two cases and work ’em out

together. You shall see my body tonight, Parker, and I’ll look for your

wandering Jew tomorrow. I feel so happy, I shall explode. O Sugg, Sugg,

how art thou suggified! Bunter, my shoes. I say, Parker, I suppose

yours are rubber-soled. Not? Tut, tut, you mustn’t go out like that.

We’ll lend you a pair. Gloves? Here. My stick, my torch, the lampblack,

the forceps, knife, pill-boxes—all complete?”

“Certainly, my lord.”

“Oh, Bunter, don’t look so offended. I mean no harm. I believe in

you, I trust you—what money have I got? That’ll do. I knew a man

once, Parker, who let a world-famous poisoner slip through his fingers

because the machine on the Underground took nothing but pennies. There

was a queue at the booking office and the man at the barrier stopped

him, and while they were arguing about accepting a five-pound-note

(which was all he had) for a twopenny ride to Baker Street, the

criminal had sprung into a Circle train, and was next heard of in

Constantinople, disguised as an elderly Church of England clergyman

touring with his niece. Are we all ready? Go!”

They stepped out, Bunter carefully switching off the lights behind them.

* * * * *

As they emerged into the gloom and gleam of Piccadilly, Wimsey stopped

short with a little exclamation.

“Wait a second,” he said. “I’ve thought of something. If Sugg’s there

he’ll make trouble. I must short-circuit him.”

He ran back, and the other two men employed the few minutes of his

absence in capturing a taxi.

Inspector Sugg and a subordinate Cerberus were on guard at 59, Queen

Caroline Mansions, and showed no disposition to admit unofficial

inquirers. Parker, indeed, they could not easily turn away, but Lord

Peter found himself confronted with a surly manner and what Lord

Beaconsfield described as a masterly inactivity. It was in vain that

Lord Peter pleaded that he had been retained by Mrs. Thipps on behalf

of her son.

“Retained!” said Inspector Sugg, with a snort. “_She’ll_ be retained

if she doesn’t look out. Shouldn’t wonder if she wasn’t in it herself,

only she’s so deaf, she’s no good for anything at all.”

“Look here, Inspector,” said Lord Peter, “what’s the use of bein’ so

bally obstructive? You’d much better let me in—you know I’ll get there

in the end. Dash it all, it’s not as if I was takin’ the bread out of

your children’s mouths. Nobody paid me for finding Lord Attenbury’s

emeralds for you.”

“It’s my duty to keep out the public,” said Inspector Sugg, morosely,

“and it’s going to stay out.”

“I never said anything about your keeping out of the public,” said

Lord Peter, easily, sitting down on the staircase to thrash the matter

out comfortably, “though I’ve no doubt pussyfoot’s a good thing, on

principle, if not exaggerated. The golden mean, Sugg, as Aristotle

says, keeps you from bein’ a golden ass. Ever been a golden ass, Sugg?

I have. It would take a whole rose-garden to cure me, Sugg—

“‘You are my garden of beautiful roses,

My own rose, my one rose, that’s you!’”

“I’m not going to stay any longer talking to you,” said the harassed

Sugg; “it’s bad enough— Hullo, drat that telephone. Here, Cawthorn, go

and see what it is, if that old catamaran will let you into the room.

Shutting herself up there and screaming,” said the Inspector, “it’s

enough to make a man give up crime and take to hedging and ditching.”

The constable came back:

“It’s from the Yard, sir,” he said, coughing apologetically; “the Chief

says every facility is to be given to Lord Peter Wimsey, sir. Um!” He

stood apart noncommittally, glazing his eyes.

“Five aces,” said Lord Peter, cheerfully. “The Chief’s a dear friend

of my mother’s. No go, Sugg, it’s no good buckin’; you’ve got a full

house. I’m goin’ to make it a bit fuller.”

He walked in with his followers.

The body had been removed a few hours previously, and when the bathroom

and the whole flat had been explored by the naked eye and the camera

of the competent Bunter, it became evident that the real problem of

the household was old Mrs. Thipps. Her son and servant had both been

removed, and it appeared that they had no friends in town, beyond

a few business acquaintances of Thipps’s, whose very addresses the

old lady did not know. The other flats in the building were occupied

respectively by a family of seven, at present departed to winter

abroad, an elderly Indian colonel of ferocious manners, who lived

alone with an Indian man-servant, and a highly respectable family on

the third floor, whom the disturbance over their heads had outraged to

the last degree. The husband, indeed, when appealed to by Lord Peter,

showed a little human weakness, but Mrs. Appledore, appearing suddenly

in a warm dressing-gown, extricated him from the difficulties into

which he was carelessly wandering.

“I am sorry,” she said, “I’m afraid we can’t interfere in any way.

This is a very unpleasant business, Mr.— I’m afraid I didn’t catch

your name, and we have always found it better not to be mixed up with

the police. Of course, _if_ the Thippses are innocent, and I am sure

I hope they are, it is very unfortunate for them, but I must say that

the circumstances seem to me most suspicious, and to Theophilus too,

and I should not like to have it said that we had assisted murderers.

We might even be supposed to be accessories. Of course you are young,

Mr.—”

“This is Lord Peter Wimsey, my dear,” said Theophilus mildly.

She was unimpressed.

“Ah, yes,” she said, “I believe you are distantly related to my late

cousin, the Bishop of Carisbrooke. Poor man! He was always being taken

in by impostors; he died without ever learning any better. I imagine

you take after him, Lord Peter.”

“I doubt it,” said Lord Peter. “So far as I know he is only a

connection, though it’s a wise child that knows its own father. I

congratulate you, dear lady, on takin’ after the other side of the

family. You’ll forgive my buttin’ in upon you like this in the middle

of the night, though, as you say, it’s all in the family, and I’m

sure I’m very much obliged to you, and for permittin’ me to admire

that awfully fetchin’ thing you’ve got on. Now, don’t you worry, Mr.

Appledore. I’m thinkin’ the best thing I can do is to trundle the old

lady down to my mother and take her out of your way, otherwise you

might be findin’ your Christian feelin’s gettin’ the better of you some

fine day, and there’s nothin’ like Christian feelin’s for upsettin’

a man’s domestic comfort. Good-night, sir—good-night, dear lady—it’s

simply rippin’ of you to let me drop in like this.”

“Well!” said Mrs. Appledore, as the door closed behind him.

And—

“I thank the goodness and the grace

That on my birth have smiled,”

said Lord Peter, “and taught me to be bestially impertinent when I

choose. Cat!”

Two a.m. saw Lord Peter Wimsey arrive in a friend’s car at the Dower

House, Denver Castle, in company with a deaf and aged lady and an

antique portmanteau.

* * * * *

“It’s very nice to see you, dear,” said the Dowager Duchess, placidly.

She was a small, plump woman, with perfectly white hair and exquisite

hands. In feature she was as unlike her second son as she was like

him in character; her black eyes twinkled cheerfully, and her manners

and movements were marked with a neat and rapid decision. She wore a

charming wrap from Liberty’s, and sat watching Lord Peter eat cold beef

and cheese as though his arrival in such incongruous circumstances and

company were the most ordinary event possible, which with him, indeed,

it was.

“Have you got the old lady to bed?” asked Lord Peter.

“Oh, yes, dear. Such a striking old person, isn’t she? And very

courageous. She tells me she has never been in a motor-car before. But

she thinks you a very nice lad, dear—that careful of her, you remind

her of her own son. Poor little Mr. Thipps—whatever made your friend

the inspector think he could have murdered anybody?”

“My friend the inspector—no, no more, thank you, Mother—is determined

to prove that the intrusive person in Thipps’s bath is Sir Reuben Levy,

who disappeared mysteriously from his house last night. His line of

reasoning is: We’ve lost a middle-aged gentleman without any clothes on

in Park Lane; we’ve found a middle-aged gentleman without any clothes

on in Battersea. Therefore they’re one and the same person, Q.E.D., and

put little Thipps in quod.”

“You’re very elliptical, dear,” said the Duchess, mildly. “Why should

Mr. Thipps be arrested even if they are the same?”

“Sugg must arrest somebody,” said Lord Peter, “but there is one odd

little bit of evidence come out which goes a long way to support

Sugg’s theory, only that I know it to be no go by the evidence of

my own eyes. Last night at about 9.15 a young woman was strollin’ up

the Battersea Park Road for purposes best known to herself, when she

saw a gentleman in a fur coat and top-hat saunterin’ along under an

umbrella, lookin’ at the names of all the streets. He looked a bit out

of place, so, not bein’ a shy girl, you see, she walked up to him, and

said: ‘Good-evening.’ ‘Can you tell me, please,’ says the mysterious

stranger, ‘whether this street leads into Prince of Wales Road?’ She

said it did, and further asked him in a jocular manner what he was

doing with himself and all the rest of it, only she wasn’t altogether

so explicit about that part of the conversation, because she was

unburdenin’ her heart to Sugg, d’you see, and he’s paid by a grateful

country to have very pure, high-minded ideals, what? Anyway, the old

boy said he couldn’t attend to her just then as he had an appointment.

‘I’ve got to go and see a man, my dear,’ was how she said he put it,

and he walked on up Alexandra Avenue towards Prince of Wales Road. She

was starin’ after him, still rather surprised, when she was joined

by a friend of hers, who said: ‘It’s no good wasting your time with

him—that’s Levy—I knew him when I lived in the West End, and the girls

used to call him Peagreen Incorruptible’—friend’s name suppressed,

owing to implications of story, but girl vouches for what was said. She

thought no more about it till the milkman brought news this morning

of the excitement at Queen Caroline Mansions; then she went round,

though not likin’ the police as a rule, and asked the man there whether

the dead gentleman had a beard and glasses. Told he had glasses but

no beard, she incautiously said: ‘Oh, then, it isn’t him,’ and the

man said: ‘Isn’t who?’ and collared her. That’s her story. Sugg’s

delighted, of course, and quodded Thipps on the strength of it.”

“Dear me,” said the Duchess, “I hope the poor girl won’t get into

trouble.”

“Shouldn’t think so,” said Lord Peter. “Thipps is the one that’s going

to get it in the neck. Besides, he’s done a silly thing. I got that

out of Sugg, too, though he was sittin’ tight on the information.

Seems Thipps got into a confusion about the train he took back from

Manchester. Said first he got home at 10.30. Then they pumped Gladys

Horrocks, who let out he wasn’t back till after 11.45. Then Thipps,

bein’ asked to explain the discrepancy, stammers and bungles and says,

first, that he missed the train. Then Sugg makes inquiries at St.

Pancras and discovers that he left a bag in the cloakroom there at ten.

Thipps, again asked to explain, stammers worse an’ says he walked about

for a few hours—met a friend—can’t say who—didn’t meet a friend—can’t

say what he did with his time—can’t explain why he didn’t go back for

his bag—can’t say what time he _did_ get in—can’t explain how he got a

bruise on his forehead. In fact, can’t explain himself at all. Gladys

Horrocks interrogated again. Says, this time, Thipps came in at 10.30.

Then admits she didn’t hear him come in. Can’t say why she didn’t hear

him come in. Can’t say why she said first of all that she _did_ hear

him. Bursts into tears. Contradicts herself. Everybody’s suspicion

roused. Quod ’em both.”

“As you put it, dear,” said the Duchess, “it all sounds very confusing,

and not quite respectable. Poor little Mr. Thipps would be terribly

upset by anything that wasn’t respectable.”

“I wonder what he did with himself,” said Lord Peter thoughtfully. “I

really don’t think he was committing a murder. Besides, I believe the

fellow has been dead a day or two, though it don’t do to build too much

on doctors’ evidence. It’s an entertainin’ little problem.”

“Very curious, dear. But so sad about poor Sir Reuben. I must write

a few lines to Lady Levy; I used to know her quite well, you know,

dear, down in Hampshire, when she was a girl. Christine Ford, she was

then, and I remember so well the dreadful trouble there was about her

marrying a Jew. That was before he made his money, of course, in that

oil business out in America. The family wanted her to marry Julian

Freke, who did so well afterwards and was connected with the family,

but she fell in love with this Mr. Levy and eloped with him. He was

very handsome, then, you know, dear, in a foreign-looking way, but he

hadn’t any means, and the Fords didn’t like his religion. Of course

we’re all Jews nowadays, and they wouldn’t have minded so much if he’d

pretended to be something else, like that Mr. Simons we met at Mrs.

Porchester’s, who always tells everybody that he got his nose in Italy

at the Renaissance, and claims to be descended somehow or other from

La Bella Simonetta—so foolish, you know, dear—as if anybody believed

it; and I’m sure some Jews are very good people, and personally I’d

much rather they believed something, though of course it must be very

inconvenient, what with not working on Saturdays and circumcising the

poor little babies and everything depending on the new moon and that

funny kind of meat they have with such a slang-sounding name, and never

being able to have bacon for breakfast. Still, there it was, and it was

much better for the girl to marry him if she was really fond of him,

though I believe young Freke was really devoted to her, and they’re

still great friends. Not that there was ever a real engagement, only

a sort of understanding with her father, but he’s never married, you

know, and lives all by himself in that big house next to the hospital,

though he’s very rich and distinguished now, and I know ever so many

people have tried to get hold of him—there was Lady Mainwaring wanted

him for that eldest girl of hers, though I remember saying at the

time it was no use expecting a surgeon to be taken in by a figure that

was all padding—they have so many opportunities of judging, you know,

dear.”

“Lady Levy seems to have had the knack of makin’ people devoted to

her,” said Peter. “Look at the pea-green incorruptible Levy.”

“That’s quite true, dear; she was a most delightful girl, and they

say her daughter is just like her. I rather lost sight of them when

she married, and you know your father didn’t care much about business

people, but I know everybody always said they were a model couple.

In fact it was a proverb that Sir Reuben was as well loved at home

as he was hated abroad. I don’t mean in foreign countries, you know,

dear—just the proverbial way of putting things—like ‘a saint abroad and

a devil at home’—only the other way on, reminding one of the _Pilgrim’s

Progress_.”

“Yes,” said Peter, “I daresay the old man made one or two enemies.”

“Dozens, dear—such a dreadful place, the City, isn’t it? Everybody

Ishmaels together—though I don’t suppose Sir Reuben would like to be

called that, would he? Doesn’t it mean illegitimate, or not a proper

Jew, anyway? I always did get confused with those Old Testament

characters.”

Lord Peter laughed and yawned.

“I think I’ll turn in for an hour or two,” he said. “I must be back in

town at eight—Parker’s coming to breakfast.”

The Duchess looked at the clock, which marked five minutes to three.

“I’ll send up your breakfast at half-past six, dear,” she said. “I hope

you’ll find everything all right. I told them just to slip a hot-water

bottle in; those linen sheets are so chilly; you can put it out if it’s

in your way.”