CHAPTER VI.
SEVERAL CONTRIVANCES OF THE AUTHOR TO PLEASE THE KING AND QUEEN. HE
SHOWS HIS SKILL IN MUSIC. THE KING INQUIRES INTO THE STATE OF
ENGLAND, WHICH THE AUTHOR RELATES TO HIM. THE KING'S OBSERVATIONS
THEREON.
I used to attend the king's levee[73] once or twice a week, and had
often seen him under the barber's hand, which indeed was at first very
terrible to behold; for the razor was almost twice as long as an
ordinary scythe. His majesty, according to the custom of the country,
was only shaved twice a week. I once prevailed on the barber to give me
some of the suds or lather, out of which I picked forty or fifty of the
strongest stumps of hair, I then took a piece of fine wood and cut it
like the back of a comb, making several holes in it at equal distance
with as small a needle as I could get from Glumdalclitch. I fixed in the
stumps so artificially, scraping and sloping them with my knife towards
the points, that I made a very tolerable comb; which was a seasonable
supply, my own being so much broken in the teeth that it was almost
useless: neither did I know any artist in that country so nice and exact
as would undertake to make me another.
And this puts me in mind of an amusement wherein I spent many of my
leisure hours. I desired the queen's woman to save for me the combings
of her majesty's hair, whereof in time I got a good quantity; and
consulting with my friend the cabinet-maker, who had received general
orders to do little jobs for me, I directed him to make two
chair-frames, no larger than those I had in my box, and then to bore
little holes with a fine awl round those parts where I designed the
backs and seats; through these holes I wove the strongest hairs I could
pick out, just after the manner of cane chairs in England. When they
were finished I made a present of them to her majesty, who kept them in
her cabinet, and used to shew them for curiosities, as indeed they were
the wonder of every one that beheld them. Of these hairs (as I had
always a mechanical genius) I likewise made a neat little purse, about
five feet long, with her majesty's name deciphered in gold letters,
which I gave to Glumdalclitch, by the queen's consent. To say the truth,
it was more for show than use, being not of strength to bear the weight
of the larger coins, and therefore she kept nothing in it, but some
little coins that girls are fond of.
The king, who delighted in music, had frequent concerts at court, to
which I was sometimes carried, and set in my box on a table to hear
them; but the noise was so great that I could hardly distinguish the
tunes. I am confident that all the drums and trumpets of a royal army
beating and sounding together just at your ears, could not equal it. My
practice was to have my box removed from the place where the performers
sat, as far as I could, then to shut the doors and windows of it, and
draw the window-curtains, after which I found their music not
disagreeable.
[Illustration]
I had learnt in my youth to play a little upon the spinet.[74]
Glumdalclitch kept one in her chamber, and a master attended twice a
week to teach her. I called it a spinet, because it somewhat resembled
that instrument, and was played upon in the same manner.
A fancy came into my head that I would entertain the king and queen
with an English tune upon this instrument. But this appeared extremely
difficult; for the spinet was nearly sixty feet long, each key being
almost a foot wide, so that with my arms extended I could not reach to
above five keys, and to press them down required a good smart stroke
with my fist, which would be too great a labor, and to no purpose. The
method I contrived was this: I prepared two round sticks, about the
bigness of common cudgels; they were thicker at one end than the other,
and I covered the thicker ends with a piece of mouse's skin, that by
rapping on them I might neither damage the tops of the keys nor
interrupt the sound. Before the spinet a bench was placed about four
feet below the keys, and I was put upon the bench. I ran sideling upon
it that way and this as fast as I could, banging the proper keys with my
two sticks, and made a shift to play a jig to the great satisfaction of
both their majesties; but it was the most violent exercise I ever
underwent, and yet I could not strike above sixteen keys, nor
consequently play the bass and treble together as other artists do,
which was a great disadvantage to my performance.
The king, who, as I before observed, was a prince of excellent
understanding, would frequently order that I should be brought in my
box, and set upon the table in his closet.[75] He would then command me
to bring one of my chairs out of the box, and sit down within three
yards distance upon the top of the cabinet, which brought me almost to a
level with his face. In this manner I had several conversations with
him. I one day took the freedom to tell his majesty that the contempt
he discovered towards Europe and the rest of the world did not seem
answerable to those excellent qualities of mind that he was master of;
that reason did not extend itself with the bulk of the body; on the
contrary, we observed in our country that the tallest persons were
usually least provided with it. That, among other animals, bees and ants
had the reputation of more industry, art, and sagacity than many of the
larger kinds; and that, as inconsiderable as he took me to be, I hoped I
might live to do his majesty some signal[76] service. The king heard me
with attention, and began to conceive a much better opinion of me than
he had ever before. He desired I would give him as exact an account of
the government of England as I possibly could because, as fond as
princes commonly are of their own customs (for he conjectured of other
monarchs by my former discourses), he should be glad to hear of anything
that might deserve imitation.
Imagine with thyself, courteous reader, how often I then wished for the
tongue of Demosthenes or Cicero, that might have enabled me to celebrate
the praise of my own dear native country, in a style equal to its merits
and felicity.
[Illustration: "THE MOST VIOLENT EXERCISE I EVER UNDERWENT." P. 71.]
I began my discourse by informing his majesty that our dominions
consisted of two islands, which composed three mighty kingdoms, under
one sovereign, besides our plantations in America. I dwelt long upon the
fertility of our soil and the temperature of our climate. I then spoke
at large upon the constitution of an English parliament, partly made up
of an illustrious body, called the House of Peers, persons of the
noblest blood and of the most ancient and ample patrimonies. I
described that extraordinary care always taken of their education in
arts and arms, to qualify them for being counsellors both to the king
and kingdom; to have a share in the legislature; to be members of the
highest court of judicature, from whence there could be no appeal; and
to be champions always ready for the defence of their prince and
country, by their valor, conduct, and fidelity. That these were the
ornament and bulwark of the kingdom, worthy followers of their most
renowned ancestors, whose honor had been the reward of their virtue,
from which their posterity were never once known to degenerate. To these
were joined several holy persons, as part of that assembly, under the
title of bishops, whose peculiar business it is to take care of
religion, and those who instruct the people therein. These were searched
and sought out through the whole nation, by the prince and his wisest
counsellors, among such of the priesthood as were most deservedly
distinguished by the sanctity of their lives and the depth of their
erudition, who were indeed the spiritual fathers of the clergy and the
people.
That the other part of the parliament consisted of an assembly, called
the House of Commons, who were all principal gentlemen, _freely_ picked
and culled out by the people themselves, for their great abilities and
love of their country, to represent the wisdom of the whole nation. And
that these two bodies made up the most august assembly in Europe, to
whom, in conjunction with the prince, the whole legislature is
committed.
I then descended to the courts of justice, over which the judges, those
venerable sages and interpreters of the law, presided, for determining
the disputed rights and properties of men, as well as for the punishment
of vice and protection of innocence. I mentioned the prudent management
of our treasury, the valor and achievements of our forces by sea and
land. I computed the number of our people, by reckoning how many
millions there might be of each religious sect or political party among
us. I did not omit even our sports and pastimes, or any other
particular, which I thought might redound to the honor of my country.
And I finished all with a brief historical account of affairs and events
in England for about a hundred years past.
This conversation was not ended under five audiences, each of several
hours; and the king heard the whole with great attention, frequently
taking notes of what I spoke, as well as memorandums of what questions
he intended to ask me.
When I had put an end to these long discourses, his majesty, in a sixth
audience, consulting his notes, proposed many doubts, queries, and
objections, upon every article. He asked what methods were used to
cultivate the minds and bodies of our young nobility, and in what kind
of business they commonly spent the first and teachable part of their
lives? What course was taken to supply that assembly when any noble
family became extinct? What qualifications were necessary in those who
are to be created new lords; whether the humor of the prince, a sum of
money to a court lady as a prime minister, or a design of strengthening
a party opposite to the public interest, ever happened to be motives in
those advancements? What share of knowledge these lords had in the laws
of their country, and how they came by it, so as to enable them to
decide the properties of their fellow-subjects in the last resort?
Whether they were always so free from avarice, partialities, or want,
that a bribe or some other sinister view could have no place among them?
Whether those holy lords I spoke of were always promoted to that rank
upon account of their knowledge in religious matters and the sanctity of
their lives; had never been compilers with the times while they were
common priests, or slavish prostitute chaplains to some noblemen, whose
opinions they continued servilely to follow, after they were admitted
into that assembly?
He then desired to know what arts were practised in electing those whom
I called commoners; whether a stranger, with a strong purse, might not
influence the vulgar voters to choose him before their own landlord, or
the most considerable gentleman in the neighborhood? How it came to pass
that people were so violently bent upon getting into this assembly,
which I allowed to be a great trouble and expense, often to the ruin of
their families, without any salary or pension: because this appeared
such an exalted strain of virtue and public spirit, that his majesty
seemed to doubt it might possibly not be always sincere; and he desired
to know whether such zealous gentlemen could have any views of refunding
themselves for the charges and trouble they were at, by sacrificing the
public good to the designs of a weak and vicious prince, in conjunction
with a corrupted ministry? He multiplied his questions, and sifted me
thoroughly upon every part of this head, proposing numberless inquiries
and objections, which I think it not prudent or convenient to repeat.
Upon what I said in relation to our courts of justice, his majesty
desired to be satisfied in several points; and this I was the better
able to do, having been formerly almost ruined by a long suit in
chancery,[77] which was decreed for me with costs. He asked what time
was usually spent in determining between right and wrong, and what
degree of expense? Whether advocates and orators had liberty to plead in
causes, manifestly known to be unjust, vexatious, or oppressive? Whether
party in religion or politics was observed to be of any weight in the
scale of justice? Whether those pleading orators were persons educated
in the general knowledge of equity, or only in provincial, national, and
other local customs? Whether they, or their judges, had any part in
penning those laws which they assumed the liberty of interpreting and
glossing[78] upon at their pleasure? Whether they had ever, at different
times, pleaded for or against the same cause, and cited precedents to
prove contrary opinions? Whether they were a rich or a poor corporation?
Whether they received any pecuniary reward for pleading or delivering
their opinions? And, particularly, whether they were admitted as members
in the lower senate?
He fell next upon the management of our treasury, and said he thought my
memory had failed me, because I computed our taxes at about five or six
millions a year, and, when I came to mention the issues, he found they
sometimes amounted to more than double; for the notes he had taken were
very particular in this point, because he hoped, as he told me, that the
knowledge of our conduct might be useful to him, and he could not be
deceived in his calculations. But if what I told him were true, he was
still at a loss how a kingdom could run out of its estate like a private
person. He asked me who were our creditors, and where we found to pay
them. He wondered to hear me talk of such chargeable and expensive wars;
that certainly we must be a quarrelsome people, or live among very bad
neighbors and that our generals must needs be richer than our kings. He
asked what business we had out of our own islands, unless upon the score
of trade or treaty, or to defend the coasts with our fleet. Above all,
he was amazed to hear me talk of a mercenary standing army in the midst
of peace and among a free people. He said if we were governed by our own
consent, in the persons of our representatives, he could not imagine of
whom we were afraid, or against whom we were to fight; and would hear my
opinion, whether a private man's house might not better be defended by
himself, his children, and family, than by half-a-dozen rascals, picked
up at a venture in the streets for small wages, who might get a hundred
times more by cutting their throats?
He laughed at my odd kind of arithmetic (as he was pleased to call it),
in reckoning the numbers of our people by a computation drawn from the
several sects among us, in religion and politics. He said, he knew no
reason why those who entertain opinions prejudicial to the public should
be obliged to change, or should not be obliged to conceal them. And as
it was tyranny in any government to require the first, so it was
weakness not to enforce the second: for a man may be allowed to keep
poisons in his closet, but not to vend them about for cordials.
He observed, that among the diversions of our nobility and gentry, I had
mentioned gaming: he desired to know at what age this entertainment was
usually taken up, and when it was laid down; how much of their time it
employed: whether it ever went so high as to affect their fortunes:
whether mean, vicious people, by their dexterity in that art, might not
arrive at great riches, and sometimes keep our very nobles in
dependence, as well as habituate them to vile companions, wholly take
them from the improvement of their minds, and force them, by the losses
they received, to learn and practise that infamous dexterity upon
others?
He was perfectly astonished with the historical account I gave him of
our affairs during the last century, protesting it was only a heap of
conspiracies, rebellions, murders, massacres, revolutions, banishments,
the very worst effects that avarice, faction, hypocrisy, perfidiousness,
cruelty, rage, madness, hatred, envy, lust, malice, and ambition, could
produce.
His majesty, in another audience, was at the pains to recapitulate the
sum of all I had spoken; compared the questions he made with the answers
I had given; then taking me into his hands, and stroking me gently,
delivered himself in these words which I shall never forget, nor the
manner he spoke them in: "My little friend Grildrig, you have made a
most admirable panegyric upon your country; you have clearly proved that
ignorance, idleness, and vice are the proper ingredients for qualifying
a legislator; that laws are best explained, interpreted, and applied by
those whose interest and abilities lie in perverting, confounding, and
eluding them. I observe among you some lines of an institution, which in
its original might have been tolerable, but these half erased, and the
rest wholly blurred and blotted by corruptions. It doth not appear, from
all you have said, how any one perfection is required towards the
procurement of any one station among you; much less that men are
ennobled on account of their virtue, that priests are advanced for their
piety or learning, soldiers for their conduct or valor, judges for their
integrity, senators for the love of their country, or counsellors for
their wisdom. As for yourself, continued the king, who have spent the
greatest part of your life in travelling, I am well disposed to hope you
may hitherto have escaped many vices of your country. But by what I have
gathered from your own relation, and the answers I have with much pains
wrung and extorted from you, I cannot but conclude the bulk of your
natives to be the most pernicious race of little odious vermin that
nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth."
[Illustration: "YOU HAVE MADE A MOST ADMIRABLE PANEGYRIC." P. 79.]