Chapter V.

On the Brink

Of the four days that followed, I do not, even now, like to think.

The dreadful change that was coming into my life loomed up every

moment more distinct, more threatening, more terrible. The hideous

realities of what was about to happen to me refused to be ignored.

They thrust themselves upon me and filled my thoughts every instant of

the day and haunted my dreams at night. There were times when I turned

a wistful eye upon that solution of the hopeless difficulties of life

at which my father had hinted; but alas! even that was no solution as

matters stood. Death, which would have released me from this bondage

into which I had sold myself, would have left my father unemancipated;

and to attain it by my own act would have been a grossly dishonest

evasion of the covenant into which I had entered with Mr. Otway.

Expediency and honour both demanded that I should carry out the terms

of my agreement.

But it was a terrible burden that I bore during those four days, and

bore, of necessity, with a cheerful face and as little change as might

be from my usual manner. That was the most difficult part of all. To

keep up the appearance of quiet gaiety, which was the tone of our

house; to smile, to jest, to discuss projected work and to talk over

the history which I was supposed still to be reading; and all the time

to feel the day of doom creeping upon me, nearer and nearer with every

beat of my aching heart. That was the hardest part. But it had to be

done and done with thoroughness; for my father’s watchful and

sympathetic eye would have detected at once the smallest flutter of a

signal of distress. And it was imperative that he should be kept in

the dark.

And that, perhaps, was the bitterest drop in this bitter potion. For

the first time in my life I had a secret from my father. I was

systematically deceiving him. And the secret that I withheld from him

and shared with a mere stranger--with an enemy, in fact--was one that

concerned him profoundly. And yet that, too, had to be. It was of the

essence of the transaction. For, if he had suspected, for one instant,

what I proposed to do, he would certainly have interfered; and I knew

him well enough to feel sure that his interference would not have

taken the form of mere persuasion. He was a quiet man, suave and

gentle in manner; even-tempered, patient, forebearing--up to a certain

point; but when that point was passed, a change occurred which was apt

to surprise those who knew him but slightly. Like a heavy body, he was

difficult to move and difficult to stop when moved. If he had

suspected Mr. Otway of putting unfair pressure on me--which he would

certainly have done--then I would not have answered for the

consequences to Mr. Otway.

But strive as I would to keep my secret, the intolerable strain of

those days of misery must have made itself visible in some change in

my appearance. Once or twice I caught my father looking at me narrowly

with something of anxiety in his expression, and hastened to put on a

little extra spurt of gaiety and to divert his attention from myself.

Still, he was not entirely deceived by my assumed cheerfulness, though

he made no remark until the very last evening, when, I suppose, my

efforts to conceal the grief and wretchedness that were gnawing at my

heart were less successful than usual. Then it was that he took me

quite seriously to task.

“I wonder what is the matter with my little girl,” he said, looking at

me reflectively as we sat at the supper table. “She has been getting a

little pale of late, and looks tired and worn. Is it too much Queen

Anne and not enough sleep, think you?”

“I am feeling quite well,” I replied.

“That is an evasion, my dear, and a tarradiddle to boot, I suspect.

You are looking quite well. What is it, Jimmy?”

“I don’t think it is anything, Pater, dear,” I answered, not without a

qualm of conscience at the direct untruth. “I haven’t been sleeping so

very well lately, but that is not due to my sitting up reading.

Perhaps it’s the weather.”

“H’m!” he grunted; “perhaps it is--and perhaps it isn’t. Are you sure

there is nothing troubling you? No--what shall we say? Well, to put it

bluntly, no young man, for instance, competing with the good Queen

Anne for your attention?”

I laughed a little, bitterly. If only there had been!

But, alas! I was only too well secured against any troubles of that

sort. So I was able to reply with a moderately clear conscience.

“No, of course there isn’t. You know that perfectly well. How could

there be when you keep me so securely in my little hutch?”

“That’s true, Jimmy,” he answered. “I certainly haven’t noticed any

buck rabbit sniffing around. But perhaps it is the hutch itself that

is the trouble. It is a dull life for a girl, to be shut up with an

old fellow like me. Coal-scuttles and such-like are all very well for

an ancient fossil who has sucked all the juice out of life and must

needs content himself with a modest nibble at the rind that’s left.

But it’s not the sort of thing for a girl. Your orange is still

unsucked, Jimmy, dear, and we mustn’t leave it to get over-ripe.”

“I’ve always been very happy with you, dear old Pater,” I said; and a

lump rose in my throat as I spoke. How happy I had been! And oh, how

thankfully would I have gone on with that serene, peaceful life and

never asked for anything different, if only it might have been so!

“I know you have, my dear,” he rejoined; “always contented and

cheerful and kind to your old father. But still--well, we mustn’t get

too groovy. We must have a little change now and again. I have been

rather preoccupied these last few days, but I shall be more free now.

What do you say to a few days in London? It’s quite a long time since

we’ve been to town. Shall we take a week off and dissipate a little?

Just spread a thin wash of carmine--quite a thin and delicate

one--over the metropolis, and incidentally see for ourselves if the

population of the great world doesn’t still contain a few presentable

human males. What do you say?”

I don’t know what I said, or how I controlled the almost irresistible

impulse to fling myself on his neck and sob my secret into his ear. It

was terrible to listen to him making these plans for one of those

blissful little holidays that we had enjoyed together from time to

time, and to know that the morrow would see my own life spoiled

irrevocably and his home made desolate. Some vague answer I murmured,

and then managed to lead the conversation into a less distressing

channel. But once or twice during the evening he reverted to the

subject, and when, at a rather early hour, I wished him “good-night,”

he said, as he held my hands and looked me over-critically:

“Yes; the blossom is undoubtedly a little faded. We must see to it,

Jimmy. Think over my proposal and consider whether there is any

particular kind of jaunt that you would like; whether, for instance,

you would rather go to the sea than to London.”

“Very well, Pater, dear,” I replied; “I’ll think about it,” and with

this only too easily fulfilled promise I turned away and went

upstairs.

It was my last night at home; the last night of my girlhood and of

freedom. Virtually and to all intents, I had said farewell to my

father for ever; for though, hereafter, we should meet, I should be

his daughter, in the old sense--no more. I should be the chattel of

another man, and that man no friend of his.

For long after I went to my room I sat thinking these thoughts and

gazing with scared, bewildered eyes into the dark future on whose

threshold I already stood. What that future held for me, beyond the

certainty of misery and degradation, who could tell? I dared not try

to pierce that dread obscurity. From what might lie beyond that

threshold my thoughts shrank back, appalled. The whole thing seemed

like some hideous dream from which I should presently awaken,

trembling, but with a sigh of relief. And yet it was not. Unbelievable

as was this awful thing that had descended upon me in a moment, it was

yet but too real for any hope of awakening.

And what of my father? For him, too, the old pleasant life was at an

end. The quiet gaiety, the serene happiness of his home was gone for

ever. Henceforth he would be a lonely man, mourning the loss of his

companion and cherishing a bitter resentment against the man who had

stolen her away. But what would he feel about this shipwreck of my

life--for so he would certainly regard it? What portion of the

wretchedness and degradation into which I had sold myself would have

to be borne by him? It was a question which I had hardly asked myself

before; but now, when I thought of his devotion to me, of his sympathy

with me and his self-forgetfulness, a sudden misgiving crept into my

mind. Was it worth while, after all? If my father and I were both to

be made wretched for life, what good had I done by this sacrifice?

I thought of him as he had been this evening and for the last day or

two. All his light-heartedness had come back. He was quite himself

again. Since I had delivered Mr. Otway’s letter, all signs of care had

vanished. That letter had apparently put him entirely at his ease;

naturally enough, since it had put an end to his immediate

difficulties, and since he knew nothing of the price at which it had

been purchased. And though I knew better, yet his ease and confidence

were not without their effect on me. Under the clear sky and in the

sunshine, it was hard to believe that the thunderbolt was still ready

to fall. And so it was that, more than once on that night, I found

myself asking if it were possible that I had done the wrong thing? Had

been too precipitate.

But it was of no use to think of that now. The bargain had been made,

and payment accepted in advance. Nor if it had been possible for me to

go back on a promise voluntarily given--which it obviously was

not--could Mr. Otway have been held to his. The original situation

would have been created afresh.

Before undressing, I sat down at my little bureau and wrote a letter

to my father in case there should be no time on the morrow. For the

arrangements--which Mr. Otway had communicated to me in a letter

addressed in a feminine handwriting--were necessarily of a somewhat

clandestine character. Mr. Otway had obtained a special license and

had given notice to the clergyman of a small church on the outskirts

of the town, and on the by-road leading to the church I was to meet

him on Thursday morning as near as possible to eleven o’clock. There

was not likely to be any difficulty in carrying out my part of the

arrangement, but nevertheless, it was as well to leave nothing to be

done on the morrow.

The letter that I wrote to my father was quite short. There was no

need for a long one, since the facts to be communicated were of the

simplest and I should probably see him in the course of the day. What

I wrote was as follows:

“My dearest Father,

“I am writing to tell you that I am about to do a thing of which I

fear you will disapprove. I am going to marry Mr. Otway; and by the

time you get this, the marriage will have taken place.

“You will understand why I have done this when I tell you that I

accidentally became aware of your difficulties and of the claim which

he had on you, and you will understand, too, why I have kept my

intention secret from you. It was the only way out for us; and you are

not to think that I have done it for you only. I was equally

concerned, and have acted in my own interests as well as yours.

“Please, dearest, try to forgive me for taking this step without your

sanction. You would never have consented, and yet it had to be.

“Your loving daughter,

“Helen.”

I sealed the letter, and, having addressed it, placed it in my bureau

in readiness for the morning. Then I made various little arrangements

of my possessions, tidying up my bureau and wardrobe, tearing up

letters that had been answered and packing a small trunk with

necessary articles of dress, to be sent for on the morrow; and all

this I did with a curious stony calm and the sense of setting my

affairs in order as if preparing to bid farewell to life. And this

calm--a calm like that which persons of character often exhibit in the

face of unavoidable death, or on the eve of a dangerous operation,

continued even after I went to bed, so that, in contrast to the

perturbed nights that I had passed since my interview with Mr. Otway,

I presently fell into a sound sleep and slept late into the morning.