CHAPTER XLIV

In order to be revenged, I learn the Science of Defence—we join

Mareschal Duc de Noailles, are engaged with the Allies of Dettingen,

and put to flight—the behaviour of the French soldiers on that

occasion—I industriously seek another combat with the old Gascon, and

vanquish him in my turn—our regiment is put into Winter Quarters at

Rheims, where I find my friend Strap—our Recognition—he supplies me

with Money, and procures my Discharge—we take a trip to Paris; from

whence, by the way of Flanders, we set out for London; where we safely

arrive

He was disconcerted at this declaration, to which he made no reply, but

repaired to the dancers, among whom he recounted his victory with many

exaggerations and gasconades; while I, taking up my sword, went to my

quarters, and examined my wound, which I found was of no consequence.

The same day an Irish drummer, having heard of my misfortune, visited

me, and after having condoled me on the chance of war, gave me to

understand, that he was master of the sword, and would in a very short

time instruct me so thoroughly in that noble science, that I should be

able to chastise the old Gascon for his insolent boasting at my

expense. This friendly office he proffered on pretence of the regard he

had for his countrymen; but I afterwards learned the true motive was no

other than a jealousy he entertained of a correspondence between the

Frenchman and his wife, which he did not think proper to resent in

person. Be this as it will, I accepted his offer and practised his

lessons with such application, that I soon believed myself a match for

my conqueror. In the meantime we continued our march, and arrived at

the Camp of Mareschal Noailles the night before the battle at

Dettingen: notwithstanding the fatigue we had undergone, our regiment

was one of those that were ordered next day to cross the river, under

the command of the Duc de Grammont, to take possession of a narrow

defile, through which the allies must of necessity have passed at a

great disadvantage, or remain where they were, and perish for want of

provision, if they would not condescend to surrender at discretion. How

they suffered themselves to be pent up in this manner it is not my

province to relate; I shall only observe that, when we had taken

possession of our ground, I heard an old officer in conversation with

another express a surprise at the conduct of Lord Stair, who had the

reputation of a good general. But it seems, at this time, that nobleman

was overruled, and only acted in an inferior character; so that no part

of the blame could be imputed to him, who declared his disapprobation

of the step, in consequence of which the whole army was in the utmost

danger; but Providence or destiny acted miracles in their behalf, by

disposing the Duc de Grammont to quit his advantageous post, pass the

defile, and attack the English, who were drawn up in order of battle on

the plain, and who handled us so roughly that, after having lost a

great number of men, we turned our backs without ceremony, and fled

with such precipitation that many hundreds perished in the river

through pure fear and confusion: for the enemy were so generous that

they did not pursue us one inch of ground; and, if our consternation

would have permitted, we might have retreated with great order and

deliberation. But, notwithstanding the royal clemency of the king of

Great Britain, who headed the allies in person, and, no doubt, put a

stop to the carnage, our loss amounted to five thousand men, among whom

were many officers of distinction. Our miscarriage opened a passage for

the foe to Haynau, whither they immediately marched, leaving their sick

and wounded to the care of the French, who next day took possession of

the field of battle, buried the dead, and treated the living with

humanity.

This circumstance was a great consolation to us, who thence took

occasion to claim the victory; and the genius of the French nation

never appeared more conspicuous than now, in the rhodomontades they

uttered on the subject of their generosity and courage. Every man (by

his own account) performed feats that eclipsed all the heroes of

antiquity. One compared himself to a lion retiring at leisure from his

cowardly pursuers, who keep at a wary distance, and gall him with their

darts. Another likened himself to a bear that retreats with his face to

the enemy, who dare not assail him; and the third assumed the character

of a desperate stag, that turns upon the hounds and keeps them at bay.

There was not a private soldier engaged who had not by the prowess of

his single arm demolished a whole platoon, or put a squadron of horse

to flight; and, among others, the meagre Gascon extolled his exploits

above those of Hercules or Charlemagne. As I still retained my

resentment for the disgrace I suffered in my last rencontre with him,

and, now that I thought myself qualified, longed for an opportunity to

retrieve my honour, I magnified the valour of the English with all the

hyperboles I could imagine, and described the pusillanimity of the

French in the same style, comparing them to hares flying before

greyhounds, or mice pursued by cats; and passed an ironical compliment

on the speed he exerted in his flight, which, considering his age and

infirmities I said was surprising. He was stung to the quick by this

sarcasm, and, with an air of threatening disdain, bade me know myself

better, and remember the correction I had already received from him for

my insolence; for he might not always be in the humour of sparing a

wretch who abused his goodness. To this inuendo I made no reply but by

a kick on the breech, which overturned him in an instant. He started up

with wonderful agility, and, drawing his sword, attacked me with great

fury. Several people interposed, but, when he informed them of its

being an affair of honour, they retired, and left us to decide the

battle by ourselves. I sustained his onset with little damage, having

only received a small scratch on my right shoulder, and, seeing his

breath and vigour almost exhausted, assaulted him in my turn, closed

with him, and wrested his sword out of his hand in the struggle. Having

thus acquired the victory, I desired him to beg his life; to which

demand he made no answer, but shrugged up his shoulders to his ears,

expanded his hands, elevated the skin on his forehead and eyebrows, and

depressed the corners of his mouth in such a manner, that I could

scarce refrain from laughing aloud at his grotesque appearance. That I

might, however, mortify his vanity, which triumphed without bounds over

my misfortune, I thrust his sword up to the hilt in something (it was

not a tansy), that lay smoking on the plain, and joined the rest of the

soldiers with an air of tranquillity and indifference.

There was nothing more of moment attempted by either of the armies

during the remaining part of the campaign, which being ended, the

English marched back to the Netherlands; part of our army was detached

to French Flanders, and our regiment ordered into winter quarters in

Champagne. It was the fate of the grenadier company, to which I now

belonged, to lie at Rheims, where I found myself in the utmost want of

everything, my pay, which amounted to five sols a day, far from

supplying me with necessaries, being scarce sufficient to procure a

wretched subsistence to keep soul and body together; so that I was, by

hunger and hard duty, brought down to the meagre condition of my

fellow-soldiers, and my linen reduced from three tolerable shirts to

two pair of sleeves and necks, the bodies having been long ago

converted into spatterdaches; and after all, I was better provided than

any private man in the regiment. In this urgency of my affairs, I wrote

to my uncle in England, though my hopes from that quarter were not at

all sanguine, for the reasons I have already explained; and in the

meantime had recourse to my old remedy patience, consoling myself with

the flattering suggestions of a lively imagination, that never

abandoned me in my distress.

One day, while I stood sentinel at the gate of a general officer, a

certain nobleman came to the door, followed by a gentleman in mourning,

to whom, at parting, I heard him say, “You may depend upon my good

offices.” This assurance was answered by a low bow of the person in

black, who, turning to go away, discovered to me the individual

countenance of my old friend and adherent Strap. I was so much

astonished at the sight, that I lost the power of utterance, and,

before I could recollect myself, he was gone without taking any notice

of me. Indeed, had he stayed, I scarcely should have ventured to accost

him; because, though I was perfectly well acquainted with the features

of his face, I could not be positively certain as to the rest of his

person, which was very much altered for the better since he left me at

London, neither could I conceive by which means he was enabled to

appear in the sphere of a gentleman, to which, while I knew him, he had

not even the ambition to aspire. But I was too much concerned in the

affair to neglect further information, and therefore took the first

opportunity of asking the porter if he knew the gentleman to whom the

marquis spoke. The Swiss told me his name was Monsieur d’Estrapes, that

he had been valet-de-chambre to an English gentleman lately deceased,

and that he was very much regarded by the marquis for his fidelity to

his master, between whom and that nobleman a very intimate friendship

had subsisted. Nothing could be more agreeable to me than this piece of

intelligence, which banished all doubt of its being my friend, who had

found means to frenchify his name as well as his behaviour since we

parted. As soon, therefore, as I was relieved, I went to his lodging,

according to a direction given me by the Swiss, and had the good

fortune to find him at home. That I might surprise him the more, I

concealed my name and business, and only desired the servant of the

house to tell Monsieur d’Estrapes that I begged the honour of

half-an-hour’s conversation with him. He was confounded and dismayed at

this message, when he understood it was sent by a soldier; though he

was conscious to himself of no crime, all that he had heard of the

Bastille appeared to his imagination with aggravated horror, but it was

not before I had waited a considerable time that he had resolution

enough to bid the servant show me up-stairs.

When I entered his chamber, he returned my bow with great civility, and

endeavoured, with forced complaisance, to disguise his fear, which

appeared in the paleness of his face, the wildness of his looks, and

the shaking of his limbs. I was diverted at his consternation, which

redoubled, when I told him in French, I had business for his private

ear and demanded a particular audience. The valet being withdrawn, I

asked in the same language if his name was d’Estrapes, to which he

answered with a faltering tongue, “The same, at your service.” “Are you

a Frenchman?” Said I. “I have not the honour of being a Frenchman

born,” replied he, “but I have an infinite veneration for the country.”

I then desired he would do me the honour to look at me, which he no

sooner did than, struck with my appearance, he started back, and cried

in English, “O Jesus!—sure it can’t! No ’tis impossible!” I smiled at

his interjections, saying, “I suppose you are too much of a gentleman

to own your friend in adversity.” When he heard me pronounce these

words in our own language, he leaped upon me in a transport of joy,

hung about my neck, kissed me from ear to ear, and blubbered like a

great schoolboy who had been whipped. Then, observing my dress, he set

up his throat, crying, “O Lord! O Lord! that ever I should live to see

my dearest friend reduced to the condition of a foot soldier in the

French service! Why did you consent to my leaving you?—but I know the

reason—you thought you had got more creditable friends, and grew

ashamed of my acquaintance. Ah! Lord help us! though I was a little

short-sighted, I was not altogether blind: and though I did not

complain, I was not the less sensible of your unkindness, which was

indeed the only thing that induced me to ramble abroad, the Lord knows

whither; but I must own it has been a lucky ramble for me, and so I

forgive you, and may God forgive you! O Lord! Lord! is it come to

this?” I was nettled at the charge, which, though just, I could not

help thinking unseasonable, and told him with some tartness that,

whether his suspicions were well or ill grounded, he might have chosen

a more convenient opportunity of introducing them; and that the

question now was whether or no he found himself disposed to lend me any

assistance. “Disposed!” replied he with great emotion; “I thought you

had known me so well as to assure yourself without asking, that I, and

all that belongs to me, are at your command. In the meantime you shall

dine with me, and I will tell you something that, perhaps, will not be

displeasing unto you.” Then, wringing my hand, he said, “It makes my

heart bleed to see you in that garb!” I thanked him for his invitation,

which, I observed, could not be unwelcome to a person who had not eaten

a comfortable meal these seven months; but I had another request to

make, which I begged he would grant before dinner, and that was the

loan of a shirt; for although my back had been many weeks a stranger to

any comfort of that kind, my skin was not yet familiarised to the want

of it. He stared in my face, with a woful countenance, at this

declaration, which he could scarce believe, until I explained it by

unbuttoning my coat and disclosing my naked body—a circumstance which

shocked the tender-hearted Strap, who, with tears in his eyes, ran to a

chest of drawers, and taking out some linen, presented to me a very

fine ruffled Holland shirt and cambric neckcloth, assuring me he had

three dozen of the same kind at my service.

I was ravished at this piece of good news and, having accommodated

myself in a moment, hugged my benefactor for his generous offer,

saying, I was overjoyed to find him undebauched by prosperity, which

seldom fails to corrupt the heart. He bespoke for dinner some soup and

bouilli, a couple of pullets roasted, and a dish of asparagus, and in

the interim entertained me with biscuit and Burgundy, after which

repast he entreated me to gratify his longing desire of knowing every

circumstance of my fortune since his departure from London. This

request I complied with, beginning at the adventure of Gawky, and

relating every particular event in which I had been concerned from that

day to the present hour. During the recital, my friend was strongly

affected, according to the various situations described. He stared with

surprise, glowed with indignation, gaped with curiosity, smiled with

pleasure, trembled with fear, and wept with sorrow, as the vicissitudes

of my life inspired these different passions; and, when my story was

ended, signified his amazement on the whole, by lifting up his eyes and

hands and protesting that, though I was a young man, had suffered more

than all the blessed martyrs.

After dinner, I desired in my turn to know the particulars of his

peregrination, and he satisfied me in a few words, by giving me to

understand that he had lived a year at Paris with his master, who, in

that time having acquired the language, as well as the fashionable

exercises to perfection, made a tour of France and Holland, during

which excursion he was so unfortunate as to meet with three of his own

countrymen on their travels, in whose company he committed such

excesses, that his constitution failed, and he fell into a consumption;

that by the advice of physicians, he went to Montpelier for the benefit

of good air, and recovered so well in six weeks, that he returned to

Rheims seemingly in good health, where he had not continued above a

month, when he was seized with a looseness that carried him off in ten

days, to the unspeakable sorrow of all who knew him and especially of

Strap, who had been very happy in his service, and given such

satisfaction, that his master, on his death-bed recommended him to

several persons of distinction for his diligence, sobriety, and

affection, and left him by will his wearing apparel, gold watch, sword,

rings, ready money, and all the moveables he had in France, to the

value of three hundred pounds “which I now,” said he, “in the sight of

God and man, surrender to your absolute disposal: here are my keys;

take them, I beseech you, and God give you joy of the possession.” My

brain was almost turned by this sudden change of fortune, which I could

scarce believe real: however, I positively refused this extravagant

proffer of my friend, and put him in mind of my being a soldier; at

which hint he started, crying, “Odso! that’s true! we must procure your

discharge. I have some interest with a nobleman who is able to do me

that favour.”

We consulted about this affair, and it was determined that Monsieur

d’Estrapes should wait upon the Marquis in the morning, and tell him he

had by accident found his brother, whom he had not seen for many years

before, a private soldier in the regiment of Picardy, and implore that

nobleman’s interest for his discharge. In the meantime, we enjoyed

ourselves over a bottle of good Burgundy, and spent the evening in

concerting schemes for our future conduct, in case I should be so lucky

as to get rid of the army. The business was to make ourselves easy for

life by means of his legacy, a task very difficult, and, in the usual

methods of laying out money, altogether impracticable, so that, after

much canvassing, we could come to no resolution that night, but when we

parted, recommended the matter to the serious attention of each other.

As for my own part, I puzzled my imagination to no purpose. When I

thought of turning merchant, the smallness of our stock, and the risk

of seas, enemies, and markets, deterred me from that scheme. If I

should settle as a surgeon in my own country, I would find the business

already overstocked; or, if I pretended to set up in England, must

labour under want of friends and powerful opposition, obstacles

insurmountable by the most shining merit: neither should I succeed in

my endeavours to rise in the state, inasmuch as I could neither flatter

nor pimp for courtiers, nor prostitute my pen in defence of a wicked

and contemptible administration. Before I could form any feasible

project, I fell asleep, and my fancy was blest with the image of the

dear Narcissa, who seemed to smile upon my passion, and offer her hand

as a reward for all my toils.

Early in the morning, I went to the lodgings of my friend, whom I found

exulting over his happy invention! for I no sooner entered his

apartment, than he addressed himself to me in these words, with a smile

of self-applause: “Well, Mr. Random, a lucky thought may come into a

fool’s head sometimes. I have hit it—I’ll hold you a button my plan is

better than yours, for all your learning. But you shall have the

preference in this as in all other things; therefore proceed, and let

us know the effects of your meditation; and then I will impart my own

simple excogitations.” I told him, that not one thought had occurred to

me which deserved the least notice, and signified my impatience to be

acquainted with the fruits of his reflection. “As we have not,” said

he, “money sufficient to maintain us during a tedious expectation, it

is my opinion that a bold push must be made; and I see none so likely

to succeed as your appearing in the character of a gentleman (which is

your due), and making your addresses to some lady of fortune, who can

render you independent at once. Nay, don’t stare—I affirm that this

scheme is both prudent and honourable; for I would not have you throw

yourself away upon an old toothless wheezing dame, whose breath would

stink you into a consumption in less than three months, neither would I

advise you to assume the character of a wealthy squire, as your common

fortune-hunters do, by which means many a poor lady is cheated into

matrimony, and instead of enjoying the pomp and grandeur that was

promised, sees her dowry seized by her husband’s rapacious creditors,

and herself reduced to misery and despair. No, I know you have a soul

that disdains such imposition; and are master of qualifications, both

of mind and body, which alone entitle you to a match that will set you

above the world. I have clothes in my possession that a duke need not

be ashamed to wear. I believe they will fit you as they are, if not

there are plenty of tailors in France. Let us take a short trip to

Paris, and provide ourselves with all other necessaries, then set out

for England, where I intend to do myself the honour of attending you in

quality of a valet. This expedient will save you the expense of a

servant, shaving, and dressing; and I doubt not but, by the blessing of

God, we shall bring matters to a speedy and fortunate issue.”

Extravagant as this proposal was, I listened to it with pleasure,

because it flattered my vanity, and indulged a ridiculous hope I began

to entertain of inspiring Narcissa with a mutual flame.

After breakfast, Monsieur d’Estrapes went to pay his devoirs to the

marquis, and was so successful in his application, that I obtained a

discharge in a few days, upon which we set out for Paris. Here I had

time to reflect and congratulate myself upon this sudden transition of

fate, which to bear with moderation required some degree of philosophy

and self-denial. This truth will be more obvious, if I give a detail of

the particulars, to the quiet possession of which I was raised in an

instant, from the most abject misery and contempt. My wardrobe

consisted of five fashionable coats full mounted, two of which were

plain, one of cut velvet, one trimmed with gold, and another with

silver lace, two frocks, one of white drab, with large plate buttons,

the other of blue with gold binding; one waistcoat of gold brocade; one

of blue satin, embroidered with silver; one of green silk, trimmed with

figured broad gold lace; one of black silk, with fringes; one of white

satin, one of black cloth, and one of scarlet; six pair of cloth

breeches; one pair of crimson, and another of black velvet; twelve pair

of white silk stockings, as many of black silk, and the same number of

white cotton; one hat, laced with gold point d’Espagne, another with

silver lace scolloped, a third with gold binding, and a fourth plain;

three dozen of fine ruffled shirts, as many neckcloths; one dozen of

cambric handkerchiefs, and the like number of silk. The other

moveables, which I possessed by the generosity and friendship of Strap,

were a gold watch with a chased case, two valuable diamond rings, two

mourning swords, one with a silver handle, and a fourth cut steel

inlaid with gold, a diamond stock buckle, and a set of stone buckles

for the knees and shoes; a pair of silver-mounted pistols with rich

housings; a gold-headed cane, and a snuff-box of tortoiseshell, mounted

with gold, having the picture of a lady in the top. The gentleman left

many other things of value, which my friend had converted into cash

before I met with him; so that, over and above these particulars, our

stock in ready money amounted to something more than two hundred

pounds.

Thus equipped, I put on the gentleman of figure, and, attended by my

honest friend, who was contented with the station of my valet, visited

the Louvre, examined the gallery of Luxembourg, and appeared at

Versailles, where I had the honour of seeing his Most Christian Majesty

eat a considerable quantity of olives. During the month I spent at

Paris, I went several times to court, the Italian comedy, opera, and

playhouse, danced at a masquerade, and, in short, saw everything

remarkable in and about that capital. Then we set out for England by

the way of Flanders, passed through Brussels, Ghent, and Bruges, and

took shipping at Ostend, from whence, in fourteen hours, we arrived at

Deal, hired a postchaise, and in twelve hours more got safe to London,

having disposed of our heavy baggage in the waggon.