CHAPTER XLVII

Strap communicates to me a conquest he had made of a Chandler’s

Widow—finds himself miserably mistaken—I go to the Opera—admire

Melinda—am cautioned by Banter—go to the Assembly at Hampstead—dance

with that young lady—receive an insolent message from Bragwell, whose

mettle is soon cooled—am in favour with my Mistress, whom I visit next

day, and am bubbled out of eighteen guineas at cards—Strap triumphs at

my success, but is astonished at my expense—Banter comes to my lodging,

is very sarcastic at my expense, and borrows five guineas from me, as a

proof of his friendship

In the morning, before I got up, Strap came into my chamber, and,

finding me awake, hemmed several times, scratched his head, cast his

eyes upon the ground, and, with a very foolish kind of simper upon his

face gave me to understand he had something to communicate. “By your

countenance,” said I, “I expect to hear good tidings.” “Indifferently,”

replied he, tittering, “that is, hereafter as it shall be. You must

know, I have some thoughts of altering my condition.” “What!” cried I,

astonished, “a matrimonial scheme? O rare Strap! thou hast got the

heels of me at last.” “N—no less, I assure you,” said he, bursting into

a laugh of self-approbation: “a tallow chandler’s widow that lives hard

by, has taken a liking to me, a fine jolly dame, as plump as a

partridge. She has a well-furnished house, a brisk trade, and a good

deal of the ready. I may have her for the asking. She told a friend of

mine, a brother footman, that she would take me out of a stinking

clout. But I refused to give my final answer, till I knew your opinion

of the matter.” I congratulated Monsieur d’Estrapes upon his conquest,

and approved of the scheme, provided he could be assured of those

circumstances of her fortune; but advised him to do nothing rashly, and

give me an opportunity of seeing the lady before matters should be

brought to a conclusion. He assured me he would do nothing without my

consent and approbation, and that very morning, while I was at

breakfast, introduce his inamorata to my acquaintance. She was a short

thick woman, about the age of thirty-six, and had a particular

prominence of belly, which I perceived at first sight, not without some

suspicion of foul play. I desired her, however, to sit, and treated her

with a dish of tea; the discourse turning on the good qualities of

Strap, whom I represented as a prodigy of sobriety, industry and

virtue. When she took her leave, he followed her to the door, and

returned licking his lips, and asking if I did not think she was a

luscious creature. I made no mystery of my apprehension, but declared

my sentiments of her without reserve; at which he was not surprised,

telling me he had observed the same symptom, but was informed by his

friend that she was only livergrown and would in few months be as small

in the waist as ever. “Yes,” said I, “a few weeks, I believe, will do

the business. In short, Strap, it is my opinion, that you are

egregiously imposed upon; and that this friend is no other than a

rascal who wants to palm his trull upon you for a wife, that he may at

once deliver himself from the importunities of the mother and the

expense of her bantling; for which reason I would not have you trust

implicitly to the report he makes of her wealth, which is inconsistent

with his behaviour, nor run your head precipitately into a noose, that

you may afterwards wish exchanged for the hangman’s.” He seemed very

much startled at my insinuation, and promised to look twice before he

leaped; saying, with some heat, “Odds, if I find his intention is to

betray me, we shall see which of us is the better man.” My prediction

was verified in less than a fortnight, her great belly producing an

infant, to the unspeakable amazement of Strap, who was before this

happened, inclinable to believe I had refined a little too much in my

penetration. His false friend disappeared; and a few days after an

execution was issued against her goods and household furniture, which

were seized by the creditors.

Meanwhile I met my friend Banter at the ordinary, and in the evening

went to the Opera with him and Mr Chatter, who pointed out Melinda in

one of the boxes, and offered to introduce me to her, observing at the

same time, that she was a reigning toast worth ten thousand pounds.

This piece of information made my heart bound with joy, and I

discovered great eagerness to accept the proposal; upon which he

assured me I should dance with her at the next assembly, if he had any

influence in that quarter: so saying, he went round, spoke to her some

minutes, and, as I imagined, pointed at me; then returning, told me, to

my inexpressible pleasure, that I might depend upon what he had

promised, for she was now engaged as my partner. Banter in a whisper,

gave me to understand that she was an incorrigible coquette, who would

grant the same favour to any young fellow in England of a tolerable

appearance, merely to engage him among the herd of her admirers, that

she might have the pleasure of seeing them daily increase; that she was

of a cold insensible disposition, dead to every passion but vanity, and

so blind to merit, that he would lay any wager the wealthiest fool

would carry her at last. I attributed a good deal of this intelligence

to the satirical turn of my friend, or resentment for having himself

suffered a rebuff from the lady in question, and, at any rate, trusted

so much to my own accomplishments as to believe no woman could resist

the ardour of my addresses.

Full of this confidence I repaired to Hampstead in company with Billy

Chatter, my Lord Hobble, and Doctor Wagtail. There I saw a very

brilliant assembly, before whom I had the honour to walk a minuet with

Melinda, who charmed me with her frank manner and easiness of

behaviour. Before the country dances began, I received a message by a

person I did not know from Bragwell, who was present, importing that

nobody who knew him presumed to dance with Melinda while he was there

in person, that I would do well to relinquish her without noise,

because he had a mind to lead up a country dance with her. This

extraordinary intimation, which was delivered in the lady’s hearing,

did not at all discompose me, who, by this time, was pretty well

acquainted with the character of my rival. I therefore, without the

least symptom of concern bade the gentleman tell Mr. Bragwell, that

since I was so happy as to obtain the lady’s consent, I should not be

solicitous about his; and desired the bearer himself to bring me no

such impertinent messages for the future. Melinda, affected a sort of

confusion, and pretended to wonder that Mr. Bragwell should give

himself such liberties with regard to her, who had no manner of

connection with the fellow. I laid hold of this opportunity to display

my valour, and offered to call him to an account for his insolence, a

proposal which she absolutely refused, under pretence of consulting my

safety; though I could perceive, by the sparkling of her eyes, that she

would not have thought herself affronted by being the subject of a

duel. I was by no means pleased with this discovery of her thoughts,

which not only argued the most unjustifiable vanity, but likewise the

most barbarous indifference; however, I was allured by her fortune, and

resolved to gratify her pride, in making her the occasion of a public

quarrel between me and Bragwell, who, I was pretty certain, would never

drive matters to a dangerous extremity.

While we danced together, I observed this formidable rival at one end

of the room, encircled with a cluster of beaux, to whom he talked with

great vehemence, casting many big looks at me from time to time. I

guessed the subject of his discourse, and as soon as I had handed my

partner to her seat, strutted up to the place where he stood, and,

cocking my hat in his face, demanded aloud, if he had anything to say

to me. He answered with a sullen tone, “Nothing, at present, sir;” and

turned about upon his heel. “Well,” said I, “you know where I am to be

found at any time.” His companions stared at one another, and I

returned to the lady, whose features brightened at my approach, and

immediately a whisper ran through the whole room; after which so many

eyes were turned upon me that I was ready to sink with confusion. When

the ball broke up, I led her to her coach, and, like a true French

gallant, would have got up behind it, in order to protect her from

violence on the road, but she absolutely refused my offer, and

expressed her concern that there was not an empty seat for me within

the vehicle.

Next day, in the afternoon, I waited on her at her lodgings, by

permission, in company with Chatter, and was very civilly received by

her mother, with whom she lived. There were a good many fashionable

people present, chiefly young fellows, and immediately after tea, a

couple of card tables were set, at one of which I had the honour to

play with Melinda, who in less than three hours, made shift to plunder

me of eight guineas. I was well enough content to lose a little money

with a good grace, that I might have an opportunity in the meantime to

say soft things, which are still most welcome when attended with good

luck; but I was by no means satisfied of her fair play, a circumstance

that shocked me not a little, and greatly impaired my opinion of her

disinterestedness and delicacy. However, I was resolved to profit by

this behaviour, and treat her in my turn with less ceremony;

accordingly, I laid close siege to her, and, finding her not at all

disgusted with the gross incense I offered, that very night made a

declaration of love in plain terms. She received my addresses with

great gaiety, and pretended to laugh them off, but at the same time

treated me with such particular complacency that I was persuaded I had

made a conquest of her heart, and concluded myself the happiest man

alive. Elevated with these flattering ideas, I sat down again to cards

after supper, and with great cheerfulness suffered myself to be cheated

of ten guineas more.

It was late before I took my leave, after being favoured with a general

invitation; and, when I got into bed, the adventures of the day

hindered me from sleeping. Sometimes I pleased myself with the hopes of

possessing a fine woman with ten thousand pounds; then I would ruminate

on the character I had heard of her from Banter, and compare it with

the circumstances of her conduct towards me, which seemed to bear too

great a resemblance to the picture he had drawn. This introduced a

melancholy reflection on the expense I had undergone, and the smallness

of my funds to support it, which, by-the-by, were none of my own. In

short, I found myself involved in doubts and perplexities, that kept me

awake the greatest part of the night.

In the morning, Strap, with whom I had not conversed for two days,

presented himself with the utensils for shaving me; upon which, I asked

his opinion of the lady he had seen me conduct to her coach at

Hampstead. “Odds! she’s a delicious creature!” cried he, “and, as I am

informed, a great fortune. I am sorry you did not insist on going home

with her. I dare say, she would not have refused your company; for she

seems to be a good-humoured soul.” “There’s a time for all things,”

said I, “you must know, Strap, I was in company with her till one

o’clock this morning.” I had no sooner pronounced these words than he

began to caper about the room, and snap his fingers, crying in a

transport, “The day’s our own—the day’s our own!” I gave him to

understand that his triumph was a little premature, and that I had more

difficulties to surmount than he was aware of; then I recounted to him

the intelligence I had received from Banter. At which he changed

colour, shook his head, and observed there was no faith in woman. I

told him I was resolved to make a bold push notwithstanding, although I

foresaw it would lead me into a great expense; and bade him guess the

sum I had lost last night at cards. He scratched his chin, and

protested his abhorrence of cards, the very name of which being

mentioned, made him sweat with vexation, as it recalled the

money-dropper to his remembrance. “But, however,” said he, “you have to

do with other guess people now. Why, I suppose, if you had a bad run

last night, you would scarce come off for less than ten or twelve

shilling.” I was mortified at this piece of simplicity, which I

imagined, at that time, was all affected by way of reprimand for my

folly; and asked with some heat if he thought I had spent the evening

in a cellar with chairmen and bunters; giving him to know, at the same

time, that my expense had amounted to eighteen guineas.

It would require the pencil of Hogarth to express the astonishment and

concern of Strap on hearing this piece of news; the basin, in which he

was preparing the lather for my chin, dropped out of his hands, and he

remained some time immovable in that ludicrous attitude, with his mouth

open, and his eyes thrust forward considerably beyond their station;

but, remembering my disposition, which was touchy, and impatient of

control, he smothered his chagrin, and attempted to recollect himself.

With this view he endeavoured to laugh, but in spite if his teeth,

broke out in a whimper, took up his wash-ball and pewter-pot, scrubbed

my beard with the one, and discharged the other upon my face. I took no

notice of this confusion, but after he had fully recovered himself, put

him in mind of his right, and assured him of my readiness to surrender

my effects whenever he should think proper to demand them. He was

nettled at my insinuation, which he thought proceeded from my distrust

of his friendship; and begged I would never talk to him in that strain

again, unless I had a mind to break his heart.

This good creature’s unalterable friendship for me affected me with the

most grateful sentiments, and acted as a spur to my resolution of

acquiring a fortune, that I might have it in my power to manifest my

generosity in my turn. For this purpose, I determined to bring matters

to a speedy conclusion with Melinda; well knowing that a few such

nights as the last would effectually incapacitate me from prosecuting

that or any other advantageous amour.

While my meditation was busied in planning out my future conduct, Mr.

Banter favoured me with a visit, and after breakfast asked how I had

passed the preceding evening. I answered I was very agreeably

entertained at a private house. “Yes,” said he, with a sarcastic smile,

“you deserve something extraordinary for the price you paid.” I was

surprised at this remark, and pretended ignorance of his meaning.

“Come, come, Mr. Random,” continued he, “you need not make a mystery of

it to me; the whole town has it. I wish that foolish affair between you

and Bragwell at Hampstead had been less public. It has set all the

busybodies at work to find out your real character and situation; and

you cannot imagine what conjectures have already circulated at your

expense. One suspects you to be a Jesuit in disguise; another thinks

you are an agent from the Pretender; a third believes you to be an

upstart gamester, because nobody knows anything of your family or

fortune; a fourth is of opinion that you are an Irish fortune-hunter.”

This last hypothesis touched me so nearly that, to conceal my

confusion, I was fain to interrupt his detail, and damn the world for

an envious meddling community, that would not suffer a gentleman to

live without molestation. He took no notice of this apostrophe, but

went on. “For my own part, I neither know nor desire to know who or

what you are. This I am certain of, that few people make a mystery of

their origin or situation, who can boast of anything advantageous in

either; and my own opinion of the matter is that you have raised

yourself, by your industry, from nothing to the appearance you now

maintain, and which you endeavour to support by some matrimonial

scheme.” Here he fixed his eyes steadfastly upon me and perceiving my

face covered with blushes, told me, how he was confirmed in his

opinion. “Look ye, Random,” said he, “I have divined your plan, and am

confident it will never succeed. You are too honest and too ignorant of

the town to practise the necessary cheats of your profession, and

detect the conspiracies that will be formed against you. Besides, you

are downright bashful. What the devil! set up for a fortune hunter

before you have conquered the sense of shame! Perhaps you are entitled

by your merit, and I believe you are, to a richer and a better wife

than Melinda; but take my word for it, she is not to be won at that

rate;—or, if you are so lucky as to carry her, between you and me, you

may say, as Teague said, By my soul, I have gained a loss! She would

take care to spend her fortune in a twinkling, and soon make you sick

of her extravagance.”

I was alarmed by his discourse, while I resented the freedom of it, and

expressed my disgust by telling him, he was mistaken in my intentions,

and desiring he would give me leave to regulate my conduct according to

the dictates of my own reason. He made no apology for the liberty he

had taken, and ascribed it to the warmth of his friendship for me; as

an uncommon instance of which he borrowed five guineas, assuring me

there were very few people in the world whom he would so far favour

with his confidence. I gave him the money, and professed myself so well

convinced of his sincerity, that he had no occasion to put it to such

extraordinary proofs for the future. “I thought,” said he, “to have

asked five pieces more, but hearing you were bubbled of eighteen last

night, I presumed you might be out of cash, and resolved to model my

demand accordingly.” I could not help admiring the cavalier behaviour

of this spark, of whom I desired to know his reason for saying I was

bubbled. He then gave me to understand, that before he came to my

lodgings, he had beat up Tom Tossle, who, being present, informed him

of the particulars, rehearsed all the fine things I said to Melinda,

with which he proposed to entertain the town, and among other

circumstances, assured him my mistress cheated with so little art, that

nobody but a mere novice could be imposed upon.

The thoughts of becoming a subject of raillery for coxcombs, and losing

my money to boot, stung me to the quick; but I made a virtue of my

indignation, and swore that no man should with impunity either asperse

the character of Melinda, or turn my behaviour into ridicule. He

replied in a dry manner, that I would find it a Herculean task to

chastise everybody who should laugh at my expense; and, as for the

character of Melinda, he did not see how it could suffer by what was

laid to her charge; for that cheating at cards, far from being reckoned

a blemish among people of fashion, was looked upon as an honourable

indication of superior genius and address. “But let us waive this

subject,” said he, “and go to the coffee-house, in order to make a

party for dinner.”