CHAPTER XLVIII

We repair to the coffee-house, where we overhear a curious dispute

between Wagtail and Medlar, which is referred to our decision—the

Doctor gives an account of his experiment—Medlar is roasted by Banter

at the ordinary—the old gentleman’s advice to me

Being as willing to drop the theme as he was to propose it, I

accompanied him thither, where we found Mr. Medlar and Dr. Wagtail

disputing upon the word Custard, which the physician affirmed should be

spelt with a G, observing that it was derived from the Latin verb

gustare, “to taste;” but Medlar pleaded custom in behalf of C,

observing, that, by the Doctor’s rule, we ought to change pudding into

budding, because it is derived from the French word boudin; and in that

case why not retain the original orthography and pronunciation of all

the foreign words we have adopted, by which means our language would

become a dissonant jargon without standard or propriety? The

controversy was referred to us; and Banter, notwithstanding his real

opinion to the contrary, decided it in favour of Wagtail; upon which

the peevish annuitant arose, and uttering the monosyllable pish! with

great emphasis, removed to another table.

We then inquired of the doctor, what progress he had made in the

experiment of distilling tinder-water; and he told us he had been at

all the glass-houses about town, but could find nobody who would

undertake to blow a retort large enough to hold the third part of the

quantity prescribed; but he intended to try the process on as much as

would produce five drops, which would be sufficient to prove the

specific, and then he would make it a parliamentary affair; that he had

already purchased a considerable weight of rags, in reducing which to

tinder, he had met with a misfortune, which had obliged him to change

his lodgings; for he had gathered them in a heap on the floor, and set

fire to them with a candle, on the supposition that the boards would

sustain no damage, because it is the nature of flame to ascend; but, by

some very extraordinary accident, the wood was invaded, and began to

blaze with great violence, which disordered him so much, that he had

not the presence of mind enough to call for assistance, and the whole

house must have been consumed with him in the midst of it, had not the

smoke that rolled out of the windows in clouds alarmed the

neighbourhood, and brought people to his succour: that he had lost a

pair of black velvet breeches and a tie-wig in the hurry, besides the

expense of the rags, which were rendered useless by the water used to

quench the flame, and the damage of the floor, which he was compelled

to repair; that his landlord, believing him distracted, had insisted on

his quitting his apartment at a minute’s warning, and he was put to

incredible inconvenience; but now he was settled in a very comfortable

house, and had the use of a large paved yard for preparing his tinder;

so that he hoped in a very short time to reap the fruits of his labour.

After having congratulated the doctor on his prospect, and read the

papers, we repaired to an auction of pictures, where we entertained

ourselves an hour or two; from thence we adjourned to the Mall, and,

after two or three turns, went back to dinner, Banter assuring us, that

he intended to roast Medlar at the ordinary; and, indeed, we were no

sooner set than this cynic began to execute his purpose, by telling the

old gentleman that he looked extremely well, considering the little

sleep he had enjoyed last night. To this compliment Medlar made no

reply, but by a stare, accompanied with a significant grin; and Banter

went on thus; “I don’t know whether most to admire the charity of your

mind, or the vigour of your body. Upon my soul, Mr. Medlar, you do

generous things with the best taste of any man I know! You extend your

compassion to real objects, and exact only such returns as they are

capable of making. You must know, gentlemen,” said he, turning to the

company, “I had been up most part of the night with a friend who is ill

of a fever, and, on my return home this morning, chanced to pass by a

gin shop still open, whence issued a confused sound of mirth and

jollity: upon which, I popped in my head, and perceived Mr. Medlar

dancing bareheaded in the midst of ten or twenty ragged bunters, who

rejoiced at his expense. But indeed, Mr. Medlar, you should not

sacrifice your constitution to your benevolence. Consider, you grow old

apace; and, therefore, have a reverend care of your health, which must

certainly be very much impaired by these nocturnal expeditions.” The

testy senior could no longer contain himself, but cried hastily, “’Tis

well known that your tongue is no slanderer.” “I think,” said the

other, “you might spare that observation, as you are very sensible,

that my tongue has done you signal service on many occasions. You may

remember, that, when you made your addresses to the fat widow who kept

a public-house at Islington, there was a report spread very much to the

prejudice of your manhood, which coming to the ears of your mistress,

you were discarded immediately: and I brought matters to a

reconciliation, by assuring her you had three bastards at nurse in the

country. How you ruined your own affair afterwards, it is neither my

business nor inclination to relate.”

This anecdote, which had no other foundation than in Banter’s own

invention, afforded a good deal of mirth to everybody present, and

provoked Mr. Medlar beyond all sufferance; so that he started up in a

mighty passion, and, forgetting that his mouth was full, bespattered

those who sat next to him, while he discharged his indignation in a

volley of oaths, and called Banter insignificant puppy, impertinent

jackanapes, and a hundred such appellations; telling the company he had

invented these false and malicious aspersions, because he would not

lend him money to squander away upon rooks and whores. “A very likely

story,” said Banter, “that I should attempt to borrow money of a man

who is obliged to practise a thousand shifts to make his weekly

allowance hold out till Saturday night. Sometimes he sleeps

four-and-twenty hours at a stretch, by which means he saves three

meals, besides coffee-house expense. Sometimes he is fain to put up

with bread and cheese and small beer for dinner; and sometimes he

regales on twopennyworth of ox cheek in a cellar.” “You are a lying

miscreant!” cried Medlar, in an ecstacy of rage; “I can always command

money enough to pay your tailor’s bill, which I am sure is no trifle;

and I have a good mind to give you a convincing proof of my

circumstances, by prosecuting you for defamation, sirrah.” By this time

the violence of his wrath had deprived him of his appetite, and he sat

silent, unable to swallow one mouthful, while his tormentor enjoyed his

mortification, and increased his chagrin, by advising him to lay in

plentifully for his next day’s fast.

Dinner being ended, we came down stairs to the coffee room, and Banter

went away to keep an appointment, saying, he supposed he should see

Wagtail and me in the evening at the Bedford Coffee-house. He was no

sooner gone than the old gentleman took me aside, and said, he was

sorry to see me so intimate with that fellow, who was one of the most

graceless rakes about town, and had already wasted a good estate and

constitution upon harlots; that he had been the ruin of many a young

man, by introducing them into debauched company, and setting a lewd

example of all manner of wickedness; and that, unless I were on my

guard, he would strip me in a short time both of my money and

reputation. I thanked him for his information, and promised to conduct

myself accordingly, wishing, however, his caution had been a few hours

more early, by which means I might have saved five guineas.

Notwithstanding this intelligence, I was inclinable to impute some part

of the charge to Medlar’s revenge for the liberties taken with him at

dinner; and therefore, as soon as I could disengage myself, applied to

Wagtail for his opinion of the character in question, resolved to

compare their accounts, allowing for the prejudice of each, and to form

my judgment upon both, without adhering strictly to either. The doctor

assured me, that he was a very pretty gentleman of family and fortune;

a scholar, a wit, a critic, and perfectly well acquainted with the

town; that his honour and courage were unquestionable, though some

extravagances he had been guilty of, and his talents for satire had

procured him enemies, and made some people shy of his acquaintance.

From these different sketches, I concluded that Banter was a young

fellow of some parts, who had spent his fortune, but retained his

appetites, and fallen out with the world, because he could not enjoy it

to his wish.

I went to the Bedford Coffee-house in the evening, where I met my

friends, from thence proceeded to the play, and afterwards carried them

home to my lodgings, where we supped in great good humour.