CHAPTER XLIX

I receive a Challenge—the Consequence of it—the Quarrel being made up,

am put in Arrest by the Care and Affection of Strap—but immediately

released upon explaining my Affair—the Behaviour of Mr. Oregan and his

two Friends—I visit Melinda, whom I divert with an account of the

Duel—propose Marriage—she refers the Matter to her Mother, of whom I

make a solemn Demand of her Daughter—the old Lady’s behaviour—I am

discarded—-resent their Disdain

When I was ready to go abroad next day, Strap brought me a letter, To

Mr. Random, Esq., these; which, upon opening, I found contained a

challenge conceived in these very extraordinary terms:

“Sir,—Whereas I am informed that you make love to Miss Melinda

Goosetrap, this is to let you know that she is under promise of

marriage to me; and that I am at this present waiting at the back of

Montague House, with a pair of good pistols in my hand; and if you will

keep your appointment, I will make your tongue confess (after the

breath is out of your body) that you do not deserve her so well as

Yours, etc.

Rourk Oregan.”

I guessed, from the style and superscription of this billet, that my

rival was a true Milesian, and was not a little uneasy at the contents;

especially that part, in which he asserted his right to my mistress by

promise, a circumstance I did not not know how to reconcile to her good

sense and penetration. However, this was no time for me to decline the

defiance, because the success of my addresses in a great measure

depended upon my behaviour in that affair. I therefore immediately

loaded my pistols, and betook myself in a hackney coach to the place

appointed, where I found a tall raw-boned man, with a hard-featured

countenance and black bushy beard, walking by himself, wrapped up in a

shabby green coat, over which his own hair descended in leathern queue

from his head, that was covered with a greasy hat trimmed with a

tarnished pointe d’Espagne. He had no sooner perceived me advancing

than he pulled a pistol from his bosom, and, presenting it at me,

snapped it without the least preamble. Alarmed at this rude salutation,

I made a stand, and, before he could adjust his other piece, fired one

of mine at him, without doing any damage, By this time he was ready

with his second, that flashed in the pan without going off; upon which

he called, with a true Tipperary cadence, “Fire away, honey!” and began

to hammer his flint with great deliberation. But I was resolved to make

use of the advantage fortune had given me, and therefore stepped up

without throwing away my fire, desiring him to ask his life, or prepare

for another world; but this stout Hibernian refused to condescend, and

complained bitterly of my having quitted my ground before he could

return my shot: saying I ought to go back to my station, and let him

have an equal chance with me. I endeavoured to persuade him that I had

given him a double chance already: and it was my business to prevent

him from enjoying a third; but now, since I had an opportunity, I

demanded a parley, and desired to know his condition and reason for

calling me to the field, who, to the best of my remembrance, far from

having done him any injury, had never before seen him. He told me that

he was a gentleman of fortune, who had spent all he had, and, hearing

that Melinda had got ten thousand pounds, he intended to make himself

master of that sum by espousing her, and he was determined, in an

honourable way, to cut the throats of all those who stood between him

and his hopes.

I then demanded to know the foundation of his hopes; and now that I had

seen him, being more and more astonished at the circumstance of the

promise, desired that he would explain that mystery. He gave me to

understand, that he trusted entirely to his birth and personal merit;

that he had frequently written to Melinda, setting forth his claim and

pretensions, but she was never kind enough to send an answer, or even

to admit him into her presence; and that the promise he mentioned in

his letter was made by his friend Mr. Gahagan, who assured him that no

woman could resist a man of his appearance. I could not forbear

laughing to excess at the simplicity of my rival, who did not seem to

relish my mirth, but began to be very serious: upon which I endeavoured

to appease him, by giving him my word and honour that, far from

prejudicing his addresses to the lady, I would represent him to her in

the most favourable light I could with any regard to truth; but he must

not be surprised if she should remain blind to his deserts, for nothing

was more capricious than a woman’s mind, and the affection of that sex

was seldom purchased with virtue alone. That my declaration might have

the better effect, I took notice of his deshabille, and, professing

sorrow at seeing a gentleman reduced, slipped two guineas into his

hand, at sight of which he threw away his pistols, and hugging me in

his arms, cried, “Arrah, by Jasus, now, you are the best friend I have

met with these seven long years!” When I had suffered some minutes in

his embrace, he quitted me, and picking up his rusty arms, wished the

devil might burn him if ever he should give me any further trouble

about womankind.

The quarrel being thus amicably composed, I begged leave to look at his

pistols, which I found so crazy and so foul, that I believe it was

happy for him neither of them was discharged, for one of them would

certainly have split in the going off, and he would, in all

probability, have lost his hand in the explosion; but what gave me a

lively idea of the man’s character was, to find, upon examination, that

one of them had been loaded without being primed, and the other primed

without a charge.

While we walked home together, I expressed a desire of knowing my new

friend’s history; and he informed me of his having served in the German

army as a volunteer against the Turks; that for his behaviour at the

siege of Belgrade, he had been honoured with an ensign’s commission,

and afterwards promoted to the rank of lieutenant, in which station it

was his misfortune to affront his captain, who challenged him to the

field, and was killed in the duel, upon which he was obliged to

retreat; that he had been in England some years soliciting his friends

for provision in the British army; but being hitherto unsuccessful, was

desired by Mr. Gahagan to turn his thoughts to matrimony, and make his

fortune by an advantageous match; in consequence of which advice, he

had made up to Melinda: and, having heard by means of an Irish footman

in the family, that I was her chief favourite, had called me out in

hopes of removing by my death the greatest obstruction to his desires;

but now he was convinced of my honour and generosity, he swore by the

blessed Virgin, he would think of her no more, if there were not

another woman in the world. As a further proof of his veracity, which I

did not at all doubt, he opened an old iron snuff-box, and pulled out

his commission in the Imperial army, and his captain’s challenge, which

he preserved as testimonials of his character. I was so well convinced

of this poor man’s honesty and courage, that I determined to speak in

his behalf to some of my acquaintance, who might recommend his case to

the consideration of those who could provide for him; and in the

meantime to accommodate him with a few clothes, by which his appearance

would be much mended, and himself enabled to renew his solicitations in

person.

As we walked along conversing socially together, we were met by a file

of musketeers, and Strap at their head, who no sooner approached than,

with a frantic look, he cried, “Seize them! In the name of God seize

them!” We were accordingly surrounded, and I put in arrest by the

corporal, who was commanding officer; but Captain Oregan disengaged

himself, and ran with such speed towards Tottenham Court Road that he

was out of sight in a moment. When my arms were delivered up, and

myself secured, Strap became a little more composed, and asked pardon

for the liberty he had taken, which he hoped I would excuse, as it

proceeded from his affection. He then told me that, suspecting the

letter (which by the by was brought by the author himself) contained

something extraordinary, he had peeped through the keyhole, and seen me

load my pistols; upon which he ran down to Whitehall, and applied to

the officer on guard for a party to put me in arrest, but before he

returned, I was gone in a coach; that he had inquired which way I went,

and, having heard that duels were commonly fought at the back of

Montague House, he conducted the guard to this place, where he thanked

God for having found me safe and sound. I gave him to understand that I

forgave his officious concern for once, but cautioned him in pretty

severe terms for making me the subject of idle conversation for the

future; then turning to the corporal, thanked him for his care, and

gave him a crown to drink with his men, assuring him that the rencontre

was over long before he came up, and everything compromised, as he

might have observed by our behaviour; as a farther proof of which, he

would find upon examination that one of my pistols had been discharged:

but this civil person, without giving himself or me any farther

trouble, received the bounty with a thousand bows and acknowledgments,

and, returning the pistols, released me immediately.

He was not gone a hundred yards, when my friend Oregan came up in order

to rescue me, with two tatterdemalions, whom he had engaged for that

purpose about the purlieus of St. Giles’s. One of them was armed with a

musket that wanted a lock, and another with a rusty broadsword, but

their dress surpassed all description. When he understood I was already

free he made an apology for his abrupt departure, and introduced me to

his two companions: First, to Counsellor Fitzclabber, who, he told me,

was then employed in compiling a history of the kings of Minster, from

Irish manuscripts; and then to his friend Mr. Gahagan, who was a

profound philosopher and politician, and had projected many excellent

schemes for the good of his country. But it seems these literati had

been very ill rewarded for their ingenious labours; for, between them

both, there was but one shirt, and half a pair of breeches. I thanked

them very kindly for their readiness to assist me, and, having offered

my service in my turn, bade them good morrow, desiring Oregan to

accompany me to my lodgings, where he was fitted with decent clothes

from my wardrobe, so much to his satisfaction, that he swore eternal

gratitude and friendship to me, and, at my request, recounted all the

adventures of his life.

In the afternoon, I waited on Melinda, who received me with great

kindness and familiarity, and laughed excessively at my adventure with

the Irishman, to whose wishes she was no stranger, having more than a

dozen letters in her possession, which he had written to her on the

subject of love, and which, for my entertainment, she submitted to my

perusal. Having made ourselves merry at the expense of this poor

admirer, I seized the opportunity of her mother’s going out of the

room, and introduced my own passion, which I recommended to her with

all the ardour and eloquence I was master of. I flattered, sighed,

swore, entreated, and acted a thousand extravagancies, in hopes of

making some impression on her heart; but she heard everything I said

without discovering the least emotion; and other company came in before

she would vouchsafe one serious reply. After tea, the cards were

brought in according to custom, and it was my good fortune to have

Melinda for my partner; by which means, instead of losing, I came off

with five guineas clear gain.

I soon became acquainted with a good many people of fashion, and spent

my time in the modish diversions of the town, such as plays, operas,

masquerades, drums, assemblies, and muppet-shows; chiefly in company

with Melinda, whom I cultivated with all the eagerness and address that

my prospect could inspire, and my education afford. I spared neither my

person nor my purse to gratify her vanity and pride; my rivals were

intimidated, and indeed outshone; and, after all, I began to fear that

the dear creature had not a heart to lose.

At last, finding myself unable to support the expense of this amour

much longer, I was determined to bring the matter to a crisis; and one

evening, while we were together by ourselves, complained of her

indifference, described the tortures of suspense to a love-sick mind,

and pressed her to disclose her sentiments of matrimony and me with

such earnestness, that she could not, with all her art, shift the

subject, but was obliged to come to an eclaircissement. She told me,

with a careless air, that she had no objection to my person, and if I

could satisfy her mother in other particulars, I should not find her

averse to the match; but she was resolved to do nothing in such a

momentous concern without the advice and consent of her parent. This

was no very agreeable declaration to me, whose aim had been to win her

inclination first, and then secure my conquest by a private marriage,

to which I flattered myself she would express no reluctance. That I

might not, however, desert my cause before it was desperate, I waited

on her mother; and, with great formality, demanded the daughter in

marriage. The good lady, who was a very notable woman, behaved with

great state and civility; thanked me for the honour I intended her

family; and said, she did not doubt that I was in all respects

qualified to make a woman happy; but it concerned her as a parent

anxious about the welfare of her child, to inquire into the particulars

of my fortune, and know what settlement I proposed to make. To this

intimation, which would have utterly disconcerted me if I had not

expected it, I replied, without hesitation that, though my fortune was

very small, I was a gentleman by birth and education, would maintain

her daughter in the sphere of a gentlewoman, and settle her own dowry

on her and her heirs for ever. This careful matron did not seem to

relish my proposal, but observed, with a demure countenance, that there

was no necessity for settling that upon her child which was her own

already; however, if I pleased, her lawyer should confer with mine upon

the matter; and, in the meantime, she desired I would favour her with a

perusal of my rent-roll. Notwithstanding the vexation I was under, I

could scarce forbear laughing in her face at the mention of my

rent-roll, which was indeed a severe piece of satire upon my

pretensions. I frankly owned I had no landed estate; and told her that

I could not exactly specify the sum I was master of, until I had

regulated my affairs, which were at present in some disorder; but that

I would take an opportunity of satisfying her on that head very soon.

It was not long before I took my leave, and returned to my lodgings in

a very melancholy mood, persuaded that I had nothing more to expect

from that quarter. I was confirmed in this opinion next day, when I

went back with a view of explaining myself more fully to the old

gentlewoman; and was told by the footman that his ladies were not at

home, although I had seen Melinda through the blinds at a parlour

window, as I went up to the door. Incensed at this affront, I quitted

the door without saying one word, and as I repassed the parlour, bowed

to Miss, who still remained in the same situation, securely screened,

as she thought, from my view.

This disappointment gave me more uneasiness on Strap’s account than my

own, for I was in no danger of dying for love of Melinda; on the

contrary, the remembrance of my charming Narcissa was a continual check

upon my conscience during the whole course of my addresses; and perhaps

contributed to the bad success of my scheme, by controlling my raptures

and condemning my design.

There was a necessity for informing my companion of everything that

happened to me and I performed this piece of duty in an affected

passion, swearing I would be his pack-horse no longer, and desiring him

to take the management of his affairs into his own hands. This finesse

had the desired effect, for, instead of grumbling over my miscarriage,

Strap was frightened at the passion I feigned, and begged me, for the

love of God, to be appeased; observing that, although we had suffered a

great loss, it was not irreparable; and if Fortune frowned to-day, she

might perhaps smile to-morrow. I pretended to acquiesce in his remarks,

praise his equanimity, and promised to improve my misfortune. He, on

the other hand, pretended to be perfectly well satisfied with my

conduct, and conjured me to follow the dictates of my own reflection;

but, in spite of all his affectation, I could perceive his inward

affliction, and his visage sensibly increased in longitude from that

day.